Have you ever ended a relationship with a good friend, why?

anncoates · 06-10-2014 11:33AM

Candie wrote: »

So I just asked her to stop speaking for a moment and laid out the whole thing. She was furious and marched off. .

This is instructive and speaks volumes. If somebody I cared about laid down something like this to me, I'd try and discuss it.

D_D · 06-10-2014 11:34AM

Gannicus wrote: »

Would they be the type of lads that would actually spike you or are they just joking.

To be honest you're probably better off bowing out. Would it be worth the risk to hang around.

I would hope they wouldn't be that stupid, but when you're off your face yourself, what is to stop you from doing something that idiotic?

Issue is, they're my only friends at the minute. If I cut them, I could be shooting myself in the foot...

suicide_circus · 06-10-2014 11:34AM

Time can never mend the careless whisper of a good friend. To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind. There's no comfort in the truth, pain is all you'll find

06-10-2014 11:36AM

anncoates wrote: »

This is instructive and speaks volumes. If somebody I cared about laid down something like this to me, I'd try and discuss it.

Yeah if I cared about someone and had fallen into the habit of talking too much about myself, I'd want to know, and I'd be very sorry for appearing as though I didn't care. Even if I felt it was unfair or untrue, I'd at least listen.

FairytaleGirl · 06-10-2014 11:37AM

Yes. For completely moralistic purposes. I had a friend who I was pretty close to for a few years but she had this habit of hanging around with younger ones - all girls here btw she's gay - (say we were 18/19 her other friends were 16/17)
She would often end up shifting them all at some point was kinda weird but I ignored it thinkin she didnt have alot of confidence or luck in the dating scene and maybe it was an ego boost.
But as her group of friends got older and started going to bars themselves she moved on to even younger ones again!buying drink and letting them drink in her house. The last straw for me was when she started it with girls from my younger sisters class (by this point the girls were 17, friend 25) I just cut ties and told her I couldn't be around her if she was gonna keep it up as she was gonna get into trouble at some point.
Havn't heard from her since - but heard she now has an actual girlfriend who's 18. She's 27. Least it's legal!

anncoates · 06-10-2014 11:40AM

Candie wrote: »

Yeah if I cared about someone and had fallen into the habit of talking too much about myself, I'd want to know, and I'd be very sorry for appearing as though I didn't care. Even if I felt it was unfair or untrue, I'd at least listen.

The friend I was taking abut knows why I've cut contact but won't countenance initiating a discussion about it. I'm far from an ideal friend or person but one of the things I most detest in people is an inability to admit they've been wrong or compromise.

06-10-2014 11:50AM

anncoates wrote: »

The friend I was taking abut knows why I've cut contact but won't countenance initiating a discussion about it. I'm far from an ideal friend or person but one of the things I most detest in people is an inability to admit they've been wrong or compromise.

They take it as a personal criticism, regardless of how you word it. I was very clear to my ex friend that I just wanted to understand why things had become that way, that I wasn't criticising, just that I was finding it difficult to talk about things that are important to me.

To be fair to her, maybe I thought the friendship was deeper or better than she did, and maybe I expected too much reciprocity. If one party can walk away and not even talk about it, there really wasn't much there to begin with.

Soups123 · 06-10-2014 12:02PM

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Honestly, i ended a 20year friendship with my oldest friend because she had kids and now is the most boring person in the entire world.

She kept saying 'oh you should have kids' even though the world and it's mother knows that I'm never going to have kids. I'm in my late 20s but have been adamant about it since i was about 7.

I have other friends with kids but they manage to have a conversation about things other than their children/pregnancy/car seats....blah...blah...blah but the minute she got pregnant it was like she lost her entire personality and after the birth of her second kid, i called it a day on the friendship.

I had a friend like this ( I had kids he didnt), was the only one out of the group and he would exclude me from emails or group texts when arranging nights out etc. Luckily others in our group where real friends and always looped me back in.

When I mentioned it too him he just said sure you always say no anyway (even though I didnt) and made reference to the fact I only every speak about the kids (again even though I didnt, although I would mention things that mattered at times to me). We went about 5/6 years without exchanging a word no fall out just no interest in speaking.

He then had a kid and all of a sudden he wore my shoes he invited me to the Christening and we obliged he turned into the person he thought I was, the child consumed him. The connection for me though remains distant friends

larrlin24 · 06-10-2014 12:04PM

Nope but I've had it happen to me. I went through a really bad time when I was about 17. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety which was caused by my Mom's diagnosis of Early Onset Dementia. I didn't tell anyone about her diagnosis for a while because I was embarrassed but they knew about my other problems. They all cut me off one by one. No one wants to be a part of your life when it isn't going the way they think it should. Haven't spoken to any of them in years.

06-10-2014 12:05PM

larrlin24 wrote: »

Nope but I've had it happen to me. I went through a really bad time when I was about 17. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety which was caused by my Mom's diagnosis of Early Onset Dementia. I didn't tell anyone about her diagnosis for a while because I was embarrassed but they knew about my other problems. They all cut me off one by one. No one wants to be a part of your life when it isn't going the way they think it should. Haven't spoken to any of them in years.

I'm really sorry you faced all those challenges, but all it really tells you is that those people weren't real friends. You'll make better ones, one's that care.

Gannicus · 06-10-2014 12:15PM

Candie wrote: »

I'm really sorry you faced all those challenges, but all it really tells you is that those people weren't real friends. You'll make better ones, one's that care.

Second that motion. Some people can be quite callous.

Hopefully given the fact that you were 17 you can chalk it up you childish naivety and don't worry, you'll meet nicer and better people along the way.

pharmaton · 06-10-2014 12:38PM

best friend many years ago, we grew up together and eventually moved in together, along with my daughter. We both worked hard, were single and lived quite happily together until we went out one night and she sees a guy she is interested in. I go over and introduce him to her, we all have a good night and later she invites him and his friend back to ours. Once home the guy takes my shoes off and drunkenly begins massaging my feet. I look awkwardly at friend and suggest to guy that maybe he could massage her feet instead, he was a bit drunk and apologized but was quite happy to comply. Eventually, over the next few weeks he slowly moves in, staying there a couple of nights a week. No biggie, only friend starts deciding my kids dad (who hadn't been on the scene since she was born) was not permitted into the house and we had to arrange visitation elsewhere. I decided it would be better to move out and I haven't seen her since. I met her once after a night out and some people were heading back to hers and the guy, her bf started screaming at me to gtf out. Afaik they married a couple of years later and have a few kids now. They're welcome to each other.

J Mysterio · 06-10-2014 12:43PM

Went through a traumatic event when I was younger and two friends who I considered my 'best friends' weren't there for me. I let it go. Drifted apart from one but wanted to stay friends with the other.

Had another traumatic event last year and same again. Was ready to call it quits at that point as I felt really let down at a really tough time. Tried to arrange a meetup three times over about three weeks and then just left it there. Just didnt care enough. Looking back he never really did and only wanted to be friends when it was most fun for them - good time charlie. Makes me pretty angry to think about it tbh, wankeŕ!

iDave · 06-10-2014 01:01PM

Was good friends with a lad in school. Probably cause we were a bit awkward socially as teenagers and got bullied a bit so made sense for us to hang. Very similar sense of humour and liked the same TV shows.
Anyway I went to college and he didn't. I blossomed more socially during those years but he remained his introverted/awkward self. Tried to keep in touch during the first year of college but by second he stopped replying to texts so just stopped bothering.
Anyway couple of years later and I'm working and I notice him on the bus. Get talking again. Crack the same jokes we always used to. Became a daily occurrence on that morning commute before out of nowhere he sends me a text on a Sunday afternoon telling me not to sit next to him on the bus anymore and to hang out with other people.
Said something like being around me was bringing him back to how he used to be or some sh1te.
Havent spoken since. Think its 7 years now.

grundie · 06-10-2014 01:18PM

I ended a freindship of about 10 years because his drinking was getting out of hand and I felt he was dragging me down with him.

We used to only drink one night at weekends, but then we would drink on Friday and Saturday. Then we started drinking on weeknights.

He wouldn't drink on his own, he needed a friend to validate his excessive consumption as a social thing. Any excuse I made to not go out would be ignored or cancelled out. E.G. If I said I had no money, he would give me money. I said I had to look after my ill mother, he would actually pay for a professional carer.

The thing is he couldn't handle his drink, plus I always tried to drink less than him. Most nights he'd be rat arsed pretty early and bouncers/bar staff would make me deal with him and get him home. This wasn't helping me find a girlfriend either. And when I did get a date, he would invite himself along.

One day, after many warnings, I decided enough was enough and I cut off all contact. I'm glad I did.

KomradeBishop · 06-10-2014 01:43PM

whatdoicare wrote: »

Had a really close friend for nearly ten years but she started acting a bit off towards me when we went to college.

It was like she was angry with me but wouldn't tell me why. She just cut contact with me one summer, so after a few attempts at contact I just left it assuming that was that but then she started texting me again out of the blue and still wouldn't explain what the cut contact was all about but I was a bit of a soft touch back then so let it go and resumed friendship.

She mentally tortured me for a few months after that, asking to meet up then cancelling, ditching me in bars, coming up to where i was in college, not telling me or meeting me but meeting my roommate who she wasnt pals with instead and general odd stuff like that. It was very strange.
She started doing weird impulsive stuff too, like accepting drugs off random passers by (I've never done drugs and am very strongly against it but all of a sudden she was mad into them) drinking drinks left on tables, just weird self destructive stuff and I was starting to feel like her minder all the time.

My mam was giving me a present of a holiday and not knowing what was going on invited this friend to go with me, she for some reason agreed, did all she could to try not go after it was booked and paid for, disappeared the whole holiday, tried to leave half way through and spent all her money in the first few days. Luckily for me, I was there with my boyfriend of the time too or I would have completely lost the plot. The holiday was a pure nightmare!

So about a few weeks after that and her texting me obscure riddles and asking me to meet somewhere weird to tell me what I did to her I just snapped and told her to fup off and cut all contact. I had started getting very depressed and was getting to the point of suicidal at this point but whatever way she worded this last text kinda woke me up from it all and I got angry. It was a real turning point for me.

Never spoke to her since, still don't know what I did, she told a load of my friends that I did horrible things to her that weren't true but luckily they didn't believe her. I don't hold any grudges, maybe I did do something to her, Ill never know, I wish her well but no way would I put myself through that again. It was a horrible time in my life.

Its filed under "WTF" in my life story.

Sounds nearly like gaslighting this - I would say it is nearly a certainty that you did not do anything to trigger that, she just had a serious screw loose.

Generic Dreadhead · 06-10-2014 02:01PM

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo wrote: »

Kids can change people. It's a pity that you say your friend lost her whole personality and all her time to just being a parent but sh1t happens. Maybe she needed a friend like you to give her a life outside of being a parent. To show her she can still have a good time and enjoy herself without her kids.

I don't know you and I'm not judging you but kids are the biggest life changing event you can go through bar none.

Ugh, ffs, here we go again :rolleyes:

06-10-2014 02:11PM

Cormac... wrote: »

Ugh, ffs, here we go again :rolleyes:

If a friend is going through a life changer like a death or an illness or having kids, or divorce, or a million other things, and you dump them because you're not having a good time anymore, you're not much of a friend.

An answer like 'Ugh, ffs...' to a perfectly polite and reasonable post says a lot about tolerance levels.

0byme75341jo28 · 06-10-2014 02:12PM

One day about four years ago I just woke up and ****ed my friend out of it for no reason.. Still don't know why I did it. Don't really care either...

Mrs Garth Brooks · 06-10-2014 02:20PM

Whatever about friends, its worse when it comes to family. There will be akward times and other family events that you will have meet again some day. I am dreading the day.

I had a brother who went to Australia over two and a half years ago. I tried keeping in touch, sent him messages, but it was me that was keeping in contact. I didn't hear from him for my birthday, when I was doing my exams, no good luck messages, when I passed my exams, when I graduated. Nothing. It didn't make it easier that he was ringing everyone else in the village, the neighbours, and other relatives. Whatever I did on him.

I brought it up with him last year, and asked him what's up, you're able to ring everyone else, and told him it was very hurtful not to give damn. That is how it looked.

And he fcuked me out of it, calling me every name under the sun. How it was my fault, I don't know.

I had my sister give me a talk that I could have made amends because he got someone knocked up. Could have congratulated him, could have apologised. Apologised, as if it was my fault.

He could have also made amends, see how i was doing when I went on a working holiday visa to Australia last year but instead i got nasty messages from him saying to stay away from him. Or how about an invite to his daughters christening, everyone got one.

Coming from my sister, and the same brother also ignored her messages. She might be happy to roll over and take whatever attention she gets.

But Australia can have the aggressive cnut.

Generic Dreadhead · 06-10-2014 02:25PM

Candie wrote: »

If a friend is going through a life changer like a death or an illness or having kids, or divorce, or a million other things, and you dump them because you're not having a good time anymore, you're not much of a friend.

An answer like 'Ugh, ffs...' to a perfectly polite and reasonable post says a lot about tolerance levels.

I'm all for people having kids, and i understand how some people take it in a better social stride then others, but at what point is the cut off for this "support" for the "life changing" event?
I'm not arguing so much as wondering at what point would YOU go, f**k this it's all about them and the kids, is it 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? 5 years?

Cause believe you me if you think it's socially acceptable for people to provide a one way street style of friendship for an overly long period of time, then you or anyone else is going to end up wasting (perhaps not a good choice of word but i can't think of another) a decent portion of your life giving support to a person who doesn't support you back.

Plenty of my friends and family have kids and coped with it differently

I don't support "dumping" anyone, i've had many friendships which have ended either amicably by drifting apart, or more aggressively via confrontation etc.

Calling me out for being one of the people to feel truly tired of the over used "i'm a parent, you'll understand when you have kids" rhetoric, does not give you the right to position it as if i'm heartless to peoples personal tragedies.

Leave your attempts at social policing at the door and understand that not everyone prescribes to the "Kids or GTFO" agenda.

I'm sure you're a perfectly reasonable person, and in hindsight i should have lead with this explanation instead of adopting my typical AH offhanded approach, for that I apologise.

TL DR: When do you want me to stop emotionally supporting people who have kids? When they finally feck off to college at 18 can I tell you about my hassle with the insurance company, cause you know, maybe thats causing me some low level stress and i'd really appreciate being able to talk to a friend about it

06-10-2014 02:32PM

Cormac... wrote: »

I'm all for people having kids, and i understand how some people take it in a better social stride then others, but at what point is the cut off for this "support" for the "life changing" event?
I'm not arguing so much as wondering at what point would YOU go, f**k this it's all about them and the kids, is it 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? 5 years?

Cause believe you me if you think it's socially acceptable for people to provide a one way street style of friendship for an overly long period of time, then you or anyone else is going to end up wasting (perhaps not a good choice of word but i can't think of another) a decent portion of your life giving support to a person who doesn't support you back.

Plenty of my friends and family have kids and coped with it differently

I don't support "dumping" anyone, i've had many friendships which have ended either amicably by drifting apart, or more aggressively via confrontation etc.

Calling me out for being one of the people to feel truly tired of the over used "i'm a parent, you'll understand when you have kids" rhetoric, does not give you the right to position it as if i'm heartless to peoples personal tragedies.

Leave your attempts at social policing at the door and understand that not everyone prescribes to the "Kids or GTFO" agenda.

I'm sure you're a perfectly reasonable person, and in hindsight i should have lead with this explanation instead of adopting my typical AH offhanded approach, for that I apologise.

TL DR: When do you want me to stop emotionally supporting people who have kids? When they finally feck off to college at 18 can I tell you about my hassle with the insurance company, cause you know, maybe thats causing me some low level stress and i'd really appreciate being able to talk to a friend about it

I've been there myself as an audience to a friends life, but your reply to a civilised post seems rude and intolerant, which can easily be assumed to be part of your character. I shouldn't have jumped to that conclusion however, and for that I apologise.

I've been in your shoes (but not to do with kids) and lasted a few years before it ended because I tried to talk about the one-sidedness of the friendship. There have been other friends who have gone through a prolonged difficulty, and as much of a slog as it's been sometimes, I've stuck with them because I know it's not in their character to be so self absorbed and that when times are better for them, they'll be better at friendships again.

TheBeardedLady · 06-10-2014 02:34PM

Candie wrote: »

TL:DR? You have to listen to your friends, but when you do nothing but listen and are never listened to you're not really a friend, you're just an audience.

This is quite common. I've had a few situations like this in my life and I don't know if it's because I'd naturally be a listener, so it might come across like I just want to listen...or if they actually don't care. How people can be so unself-aware is beyond me.

Green Giant · 06-10-2014 02:41PM

I was friends with a neighbour for the best part of 10 years until he suddenly decided to stop communicating me for no apparent reason and I later found out that he often criticised me behind my back, even though when I asked him if there was a problem he said no.

In Lonesome Dove · 06-10-2014 02:43PM

Mrs Garth Brooks wrote: »

Whatever about friends, its worse when it comes to family. There will be akward times and other family events that you will have meet again some day. I am dreading the day.

I had a brother who went to Australia over two and a half years ago. I tried keeping in touch, sent him messages, but it was me that was keeping in contact. I didn't hear from him for my birthday, when I was doing my exams, no good luck messages, when I passed my exams, when I graduated. Nothing. It didn't make it easier that he was ringing everyone else in the village, the neighbours, and other relatives. Whatever I did on him.

I brought it up with him last year, and asked him what's up, you're able to ring everyone else, and told him it was very hurtful not to give damn. That is how it looked.

And he fcuked me out of it, calling me every name under the sun. How it was my fault, I don't know.

I had my sister give me a talk that I could have made amends because he got someone knocked up. Could have congratulated him, could have apologised. Apologised, as if it was my fault.

He could have also made amends, see how i was doing when I went on a working holiday visa to Australia last year but instead i got nasty messages from him saying to stay away from him. Or how about an invite to his daughters christening, everyone got one.

Coming from my sister, and the same brother also ignored her messages. She might be happy to roll over and take whatever attention she gets.

Roll over?

She probably saw his lack of contact home in a different light than you. As him perhaps being busy with work, getting used to a new country and a new climate.

Some people unintentionally lose touch too.

It's easy when you're busy for one day to roll into the next, putting things on the long finger - 'ah sure I'll phone home at the weekend' and then it's put off. Before long weeks, even months go by.

TheBeardedLady · 06-10-2014 02:44PM

Candie wrote: »

They take it as a personal criticism, regardless of how you word it. I was very clear to my ex friend that I just wanted to understand why things had become that way, that I wasn't criticising, just that I was finding it difficult to talk about things that are important to me.

To be fair to her, maybe I thought the friendship was deeper or better than she did, and maybe I expected too much reciprocity. If one party can walk away and not even talk about it, there really wasn't much there to begin with.

It's not great to hear your faults and I understand the initial defensiveness if they catch you off guard but if a friend has ever broached a problem they have with me, I'd probably be shocked and get a bit defensive then I'd finally get a grip of myself and try to resolve it and make things right because when it comes to the crunch, I value that person in my life. If someone doesn't try to resolve the situation or find a middle ground, then you're better off leaving it completely.

I've only ever ended/phased out one long-term friendship but it wasn't related to an argument or anything but the friendship became more than I could handle without being a qualified counselor or psychologist and I had to leave it. I regret it though and would love to rekindle it again if I knew where she was. I don't live in Ireland anymore which makes it harder. It upsets me to think about it, actually and I'm studying psychology now and hopefully I can be of some help to her down the line.

Other friendships just ended of their own accord but that's life; friendships can be for a period of your life and when you accept that, you can be much happier.

Mrs Garth Brooks · 06-10-2014 02:58PM

In Lonesome Dove wrote: »

Roll over?

She probably saw his lack of contact home in a different light than you. As him perhaps being busy with work, getting used to a new country and a new climate.

Some people unintentionally lose touch too.

It's easy when you're busy for one day to roll into the next, putting things on the long finger - 'ah sure I'll phone home at the weekend' and then it's put off. Before long weeks, even months go by.

Busy with work, new country, new climate didn't stop him from ringing other people.

Months went by for his own family. But not the neighbours.

Generic Dreadhead · 06-10-2014 03:15PM

Mrs Garth Brooks wrote: »

Busy with work, new country, new climate didn't stop him from ringing other people.

Months went by for his own family. But not the neighbours.

He thinks he's better than you, well maybe not that, but something like that, so seeks validation from everyone who is not closest to him, as far as he considers it, he's already won you over, you already adore him, you think he's the bees knees, other people need more regular reminders.... THIS is why he exploded at you when you confronted him, confronted by his worst fear that not only does everyone not think he's a legend, but by the fact the people who should adore him by default do not..... You do realise he is very important, successful, handsome and clever don't you? Very Important.

I'm met people like him in Narcissists Anonymous

Earthhorse · 06-10-2014 03:20PM

Not ended things myself but have had one friend end things with me. This was after months of him flying off the handle at the smallest perceived slight. There's only so much you can put up with that kind of thing before you get tired of the lack of effort on their part.

verywell · 06-10-2014 03:33PM

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

This is quite common. I've had a few situations like this in my life and I don't know if it's because I'd naturally be a listener, so it might come across like I just want to listen...or if they actually don't care. How people can be so unself-aware is beyond me.

About a year after finishing college a friend stopped talking to me. No explanation nothing. Just wouldn't answer any texts. Could not understand what I did wrong but gave up trying to find out.

Last year I ended up letting go of 2 separate friendships. Both well over 20 years of friendship. Although now I do not have a "best friend", I do not regret my decision to let go. I am lonely sometimes but I know if I kept up those friendships I was not being true to myself.

I was only a soundboard, an audience, a complimenter. So one sided and so disappointing.

Have you ever ended a relationship with a good friend, why?

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