Candie wrote: » So I just asked her to stop speaking for a moment and laid out the whole thing. She was furious and marched off. .
Gannicus wrote: » Would they be the type of lads that would actually spike you or are they just joking. To be honest you're probably better off bowing out. Would it be worth the risk to hang around.
anncoates wrote: » This is instructive and speaks volumes. If somebody I cared about laid down something like this to me, I'd try and discuss it.
Candie wrote: » Yeah if I cared about someone and had fallen into the habit of talking too much about myself, I'd want to know, and I'd be very sorry for appearing as though I didn't care. Even if I felt it was unfair or untrue, I'd at least listen.
anncoates wrote: » The friend I was taking abut knows why I've cut contact but won't countenance initiating a discussion about it. I'm far from an ideal friend or person but one of the things I most detest in people is an inability to admit they've been wrong or compromise.
R.D. aka MR.D wrote: » Honestly, i ended a 20year friendship with my oldest friend because she had kids and now is the most boring person in the entire world. She kept saying 'oh you should have kids' even though the world and it's mother knows that I'm never going to have kids. I'm in my late 20s but have been adamant about it since i was about 7. I have other friends with kids but they manage to have a conversation about things other than their children/pregnancy/car seats....blah...blah...blah but the minute she got pregnant it was like she lost her entire personality and after the birth of her second kid, i called it a day on the friendship.
larrlin24 wrote: » Nope but I've had it happen to me. I went through a really bad time when I was about 17. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety which was caused by my Mom's diagnosis of Early Onset Dementia. I didn't tell anyone about her diagnosis for a while because I was embarrassed but they knew about my other problems. They all cut me off one by one. No one wants to be a part of your life when it isn't going the way they think it should. Haven't spoken to any of them in years.
Candie wrote: » I'm really sorry you faced all those challenges, but all it really tells you is that those people weren't real friends. You'll make better ones, one's that care.
whatdoicare wrote: » Had a really close friend for nearly ten years but she started acting a bit off towards me when we went to college. It was like she was angry with me but wouldn't tell me why. She just cut contact with me one summer, so after a few attempts at contact I just left it assuming that was that but then she started texting me again out of the blue and still wouldn't explain what the cut contact was all about but I was a bit of a soft touch back then so let it go and resumed friendship. She mentally tortured me for a few months after that, asking to meet up then cancelling, ditching me in bars, coming up to where i was in college, not telling me or meeting me but meeting my roommate who she wasnt pals with instead and general odd stuff like that. It was very strange. She started doing weird impulsive stuff too, like accepting drugs off random passers by (I've never done drugs and am very strongly against it but all of a sudden she was mad into them) drinking drinks left on tables, just weird self destructive stuff and I was starting to feel like her minder all the time. My mam was giving me a present of a holiday and not knowing what was going on invited this friend to go with me, she for some reason agreed, did all she could to try not go after it was booked and paid for, disappeared the whole holiday, tried to leave half way through and spent all her money in the first few days. Luckily for me, I was there with my boyfriend of the time too or I would have completely lost the plot. The holiday was a pure nightmare! So about a few weeks after that and her texting me obscure riddles and asking me to meet somewhere weird to tell me what I did to her I just snapped and told her to fup off and cut all contact. I had started getting very depressed and was getting to the point of suicidal at this point but whatever way she worded this last text kinda woke me up from it all and I got angry. It was a real turning point for me. Never spoke to her since, still don't know what I did, she told a load of my friends that I did horrible things to her that weren't true but luckily they didn't believe her. I don't hold any grudges, maybe I did do something to her, Ill never know, I wish her well but no way would I put myself through that again. It was a horrible time in my life. Its filed under "WTF" in my life story.
Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo wrote: » Kids can change people. It's a pity that you say your friend lost her whole personality and all her time to just being a parent but sh1t happens. Maybe she needed a friend like you to give her a life outside of being a parent. To show her she can still have a good time and enjoy herself without her kids. I don't know you and I'm not judging you but kids are the biggest life changing event you can go through bar none.
Cormac... wrote: » Ugh, ffs, here we go again :rolleyes:
Candie wrote: » If a friend is going through a life changer like a death or an illness or having kids, or divorce, or a million other things, and you dump them because you're not having a good time anymore, you're not much of a friend. An answer like 'Ugh, ffs...' to a perfectly polite and reasonable post says a lot about tolerance levels.
Cormac... wrote: » I'm all for people having kids, and i understand how some people take it in a better social stride then others, but at what point is the cut off for this "support" for the "life changing" event? I'm not arguing so much as wondering at what point would YOU go, f**k this it's all about them and the kids, is it 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? 5 years? Cause believe you me if you think it's socially acceptable for people to provide a one way street style of friendship for an overly long period of time, then you or anyone else is going to end up wasting (perhaps not a good choice of word but i can't think of another) a decent portion of your life giving support to a person who doesn't support you back. Plenty of my friends and family have kids and coped with it differently I don't support "dumping" anyone, i've had many friendships which have ended either amicably by drifting apart, or more aggressively via confrontation etc. Calling me out for being one of the people to feel truly tired of the over used "i'm a parent, you'll understand when you have kids" rhetoric, does not give you the right to position it as if i'm heartless to peoples personal tragedies. Leave your attempts at social policing at the door and understand that not everyone prescribes to the "Kids or GTFO" agenda. I'm sure you're a perfectly reasonable person, and in hindsight i should have lead with this explanation instead of adopting my typical AH offhanded approach, for that I apologise. TL DR: When do you want me to stop emotionally supporting people who have kids? When they finally feck off to college at 18 can I tell you about my hassle with the insurance company, cause you know, maybe thats causing me some low level stress and i'd really appreciate being able to talk to a friend about it
Candie wrote: » TL:DR? You have to listen to your friends, but when you do nothing but listen and are never listened to you're not really a friend, you're just an audience.
Mrs Garth Brooks wrote: » Whatever about friends, its worse when it comes to family. There will be akward times and other family events that you will have meet again some day. I am dreading the day. I had a brother who went to Australia over two and a half years ago. I tried keeping in touch, sent him messages, but it was me that was keeping in contact. I didn't hear from him for my birthday, when I was doing my exams, no good luck messages, when I passed my exams, when I graduated. Nothing. It didn't make it easier that he was ringing everyone else in the village, the neighbours, and other relatives. Whatever I did on him. I brought it up with him last year, and asked him what's up, you're able to ring everyone else, and told him it was very hurtful not to give damn. That is how it looked. And he fcuked me out of it, calling me every name under the sun. How it was my fault, I don't know. I had my sister give me a talk that I could have made amends because he got someone knocked up. Could have congratulated him, could have apologised. Apologised, as if it was my fault. He could have also made amends, see how i was doing when I went on a working holiday visa to Australia last year but instead i got nasty messages from him saying to stay away from him. Or how about an invite to his daughters christening, everyone got one. Coming from my sister, and the same brother also ignored her messages. She might be happy to roll over and take whatever attention she gets.
Candie wrote: » They take it as a personal criticism, regardless of how you word it. I was very clear to my ex friend that I just wanted to understand why things had become that way, that I wasn't criticising, just that I was finding it difficult to talk about things that are important to me. To be fair to her, maybe I thought the friendship was deeper or better than she did, and maybe I expected too much reciprocity. If one party can walk away and not even talk about it, there really wasn't much there to begin with.
In Lonesome Dove wrote: » Roll over? She probably saw his lack of contact home in a different light than you. As him perhaps being busy with work, getting used to a new country and a new climate. Some people unintentionally lose touch too. It's easy when you're busy for one day to roll into the next, putting things on the long finger - 'ah sure I'll phone home at the weekend' and then it's put off. Before long weeks, even months go by.
Mrs Garth Brooks wrote: » Busy with work, new country, new climate didn't stop him from ringing other people. Months went by for his own family. But not the neighbours.
TheBeardedLady wrote: » This is quite common. I've had a few situations like this in my life and I don't know if it's because I'd naturally be a listener, so it might come across like I just want to listen...or if they actually don't care. How people can be so unself-aware is beyond me.
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