Sister causing stress in wedding planning

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 05:07PM

Dial Hard wrote: »

To be honest, this whole "What if you regret not inviting her later?" thing doesn't wash with me. All people can do in any stressful situation is make the best decision for them at the time - you can't legislate for how you might feel five, ten, fifteen years down the line. I didn't go to my brother's wedding for reasons I won't go into here, and that's all I heard from everyone - "What if you regret it in years to come?" Well, what if I do? I'll deal with that if and when the time comes. But I definitely would have regretted going there and then, so that's the choice I made.

Tbh, OP, the only thing that confuses me about your scenario is why you asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place.

dialhard, appreciate your comment..
i feel not inviting her isn't the right thing to do but, its the necessary thing to do.
in answer to your good question, i hadn't seen much of her for some time and we spent lots of time together in past months, i used to forgive and forget when she stole from myself and it hadn't occurred for a long time. So, naturally , i asked her to be a bridesmaid.

mrsbyrne · 23-09-2014 07:19PM

OP your sister had alot of problems and thats sad BUT
A. She's not a troubled teen and
B. What if she steals.ftom your guests?
Wedding guests are very casual about their belongings . It's s different vibe to a nightclub or a bar. There sn expectation that everybody is your friend st s wedding so you kick your handbag under the table while you get up to dance/go to the loo/buy a drink/ go for a smoke.Your guests have gone to enough expense without being robbed by a bridesmaid.
Write her a kind loving but firm letter de-inviting her.

Redser87 · 23-09-2014 09:26PM

Good idea on the letter. Gives you a chance to think through what you are going to say and avoids really harsh things coming out in the heat of the moment.

LynnGrace · 23-09-2014 10:11PM

mrsbyrne wrote: »

OP your sister had alot of problems and thats sad BUT
A. She's not a troubled teen and
B. What if she steals.ftom your guests?
Wedding guests are very casual about their belongings . It's s different vibe to a nightclub or a bar. There sn expectation that everybody is your friend st s wedding so you kick your handbag under the table while you get up to dance/go to the loo/buy a drink/ go for a smoke.Your guests have gone to enough expense without being robbed by a bridesmaid.
Write her a kind loving but firm letter de-inviting her.

Good point. It is a naturally relaxed environment, and as alluded to previously in the thread, chances are, people would hand cards with cash, to a bridesmaid.
Try to look at it, as objectively as you can. Don't worry too much about what might be said, or not. You have to make the best decision you can, for you, taking everything into account.
All the best, and hope you have a great day.

copey · 23-09-2014 10:43PM

Your going to have to say no

Gatica · 24-09-2014 08:12AM

I am surprised there was even any question of her remaining bridesmaid. As far as I can see she does not deserve this honour (let's now get into who it's an honour for), and you're hardly still going to be calling her a bridesmaid if you don't invite her.
If I was you, I wouldn't invite her at all, not even as a guest. As mentioned, people are lax with with belongings at weddings. I always just leave my handbag on the chair and go dancing, as do my friends. It would leave a really sour taste in your mouth if you'd heard one or more of your guests had things stolen from them at your wedding, and it would put them in an awkward situation with you as well, as I'm sure they'd not be keen on upsetting you.

On the other hand, can you be really 100% sure she took the money and that there hasn't been someone else in the house, you child didn't play with it, it fell in behind some furniture, or fiance forgot he'd put it into his pants pockets, etc...? It's happened before where I was sure I put something in a particular place only to find it was somewhere else, for example...

gugleguy · 24-09-2014 09:08AM

In the event OP you do invite your sister to your wedding, here is an admittedly unpalatable suggestion I shall make.........should your sister repeat the same offence in future on someone else, friend or family.

Return your sister's wedding gift for you to her. Be prepared for this. Keep the present in it's wrapping if it's an object.

I am neutral whether or not you invite her to your wedding.

Sala · 24-09-2014 09:12AM

Only you can answer this in my opinion because of your history, family dynamic etc. If you are genuinely uncomfortable with her there, it will ruin your day, you don't deserve that

893bet · 24-09-2014 09:45AM

gugleguy wrote: »

In the event OP you do invite your sister to your wedding, here is an admittedly unpalatable suggestion I shall make.........should your sister repeat the same offence in future on someone else, friend or family.

Return your sister's wedding gift for you to her. Be prepared for this. Keep the present in it's wrapping if it's an object.

Why do people want to be so dramatic!!! So you sit at home with the box of wedding knives unopened just waiting for her to mess up so you can have your moment of "I told u so, I knew you stole from us, I didn't even open your gift two years ago, have it back".

Id nearly prefer to be friends with the thief.

I would invite her. Family rifts are unreparable and this would cause a serious one especially of she lives at home with your parents.

Tomato19 · 25-09-2014 12:11AM

Gatica wrote: »

I am surprised there was even any question of her remaining bridesmaid. As far as I can see she does not deserve this honour (let's now get into who it's an honour for), and you're hardly still going to be calling her a bridesmaid if you don't invite her.
If I was you, I wouldn't invite her at all, not even as a guest. As mentioned, people are lax with with belongings at weddings. I always just leave my handbag on the chair and go dancing, as do my friends. It would leave a really sour taste in your mouth if you'd heard one or more of your guests had things stolen from them at your wedding, and it would put them in an awkward situation with you as well, as I'm sure they'd not be keen on upsetting you.

On the other hand, can you be really 100% sure she took the money and that there hasn't been someone else in the house, you child didn't play with it, it fell in behind some furniture, or fiance forgot he'd put it into his pants pockets, etc...? It's happened before where I was sure I put something in a particular place only to find it was somewhere else, for example...

hello Gatica
Its more for my parents sake that i was debating having her as a BM, i always ended up forgiving her to a certain extent and being the bigger person. I never dreamed she would have the guts to steal of my fiancé. when she's nice, she's great but, after this stunt, we all realise she's a liability and clearly capable of thieving from someone other than us, her own family.

like you said, people are lax at weddings, as they should be. I would be mortified if it happened to a guest.
also, no children and 100% can say , there was no one else who had the opportunity

Tomato19 · 25-09-2014 12:17AM

Sala wrote: »

Only you can answer this in my opinion because of your history, family dynamic etc. If you are genuinely uncomfortable with her there, it will ruin your day, you don't deserve that

true yes, but, i did want to hear others unbiased opinions, which i rate. It has confirmed my thoughts.
surely, she should have realised we would find out and have considered the consequences , doesn't look like she cared.

Tomato19 · 25-09-2014 12:23AM

893bet wrote: »

Why do people want to be so dramatic!!! So you sit at home with the box of wedding knives unopened just waiting for her to mess up so you can have your moment of "I told u so, I knew you stole from us, I didn't even open your gift two years ago, have it back".

Id nearly prefer to be friends with the thief.

I would invite her. Family rifts are unreparable and this would cause a serious one especially of she lives at home with your parents.

"you can trust a thief but, not a liar".. She is both!
i understand the consequences of not inviting her but, tbh, its already caused a serious rift. No, she's not living at home. Unless she admitted it and genuinely apologised, only then would we consider inviting her

Gatica · 25-09-2014 08:11AM

Tomato19 wrote: »

like you said, people are lax at weddings, as they should be. I would be mortified if it happened to a guest.
also, no children and 100% can say , there was no one else who had the opportunity

Well, then you know best. If it really was her, then there should be no question of her being there. As Dial Hard said, there's no point debating what might be, we can't foresee the future, but at this point in time it does not seem like she has "repented" sufficiently to be forgiven and allowed to attend, and you'd need to do what's best for you and your fiance at this point in time.

MouseTail · 25-09-2014 08:52AM

I am quite surprised at the harshness shown in this thread. To me, weddings, like funerals are a time where fractured families can come together and build bridges. They should not be a time where people are excluded and rifts widened, although of course they often are.
But OP, it is your wedding, and your decision. I truly hope in time you and your sister can forgive each other and build a truce if not a friendship.

Tomato19 · 25-09-2014 12:22PM

MouseTail wrote: »

I am quite surprised at the harshness shown in this thread. To me, weddings, like funerals are a time where fractured families can come together and build bridges. They should not be a time where people are excluded and rifts widened, although of course they often are.
But OP, it is your wedding, and your decision. I truly hope in time you and your sister can forgive each other and build a truce if not a friendship.

hi, yes its harsh but, it has to be considering. How could any bridges be built with her, if i heard she stole a card with money in it during the wedding? I would only feel like i was to blame for bringing her there. If i don't invite her, i really don't see how that's on me, i see it as , its all on her and she didn't give me a choice.

michellie · 25-09-2014 12:38PM

How about invite her but take the role of bridesmaid from her?

Tomato19 · 25-09-2014 01:55PM

michellie wrote: »

How about invite her but take the role of bridesmaid from her?

hi Michellie
absolutely, if she was to come, she'd be a guest. However, she would still have opportunity to cause trouble, i presume family would still give he cards in good faith as she's my sister

Her name was Lola · 25-09-2014 02:00PM

Has she a drug addiction?

Tomato19 · 25-09-2014 02:06PM

Her name was Lola wrote: »

Has she a drug addiction?

her drug is; clothes, make up and jewellery.. all for vanity

Her name was Lola · 25-09-2014 02:08PM

Tomato19 wrote: »

her drug is; clothes, make up and jewellery.. all for vanity

In that case, I wouldn't want her next, nigh or near my friends and family. If she steals from them, YOUR reputation will be ruined.

bucketybuck · 25-09-2014 02:14PM

Tomato19 wrote: »

hi Michellie
absolutely, if she was to come, she'd be a guest. However, she would still have opportunity to cause trouble, i presume family would still give he cards in good faith as she's my sister

If you are going to demote her as a bridesmaid then you might as well go all the way and uninvite her from the wedding, the level of resentment and disappointment won't be all that much different anyway. Either way your sister is going to be annoyed, so you might as well have the benefit of not having to worry about thefts from your wedding at the same time.

893bet · 25-09-2014 02:15PM

Tomato19 wrote: »

hi Michellie
absolutely, if she was to come, she'd be a guest. However, she would still have opportunity to cause trouble, i presume family would still give he cards in good faith as she's my sister

The cards are always handed to a best-man or one of the parents in my experience rather than a family member. I wouldnt worry too much about that to be honest.

Eleysian · 25-09-2014 03:44PM

OP I am sorry for you. I thought you were describing my sister. She was in her 30s and had a serious stealing habit to support fancy shoes, bags and make-up too. I decided not to have her as a bridesmaid because of two stealing episodes about a year and a half prior to the wedding. She stole at the wedding - jewellery belonging to friends of ours and cards with some money. We never found how how much. It has cast quite a shadow over one of the best days in our life. As pointed out above by this stage she is more than old enough to act better. Two years ago I was round visiting my Mum when the guards called at the house with a warrant for her arrest - theft and fraud. I am not saying the same thing will happen to your sister but one day she will have to face the consequences - be it the law or losing her family.

Tomato19 · 25-09-2014 04:02PM

Eleysian wrote: »

OP I am sorry for you. I thought you were describing my sister. She was in her 30s and had a serious stealing habit to support fancy shoes, bags and make-up too. I decided not to have her as a bridesmaid because of two stealing episodes about a year and a half prior to the wedding. She stole at the wedding - jewellery belonging to friends of ours and cards with some money. We never found how how much. It has cast quite a shadow over one of the best days in our life. As pointed out above by this stage she is more than old enough to act better. Two years ago I was round visiting my Mum when the guards called at the house with a warrant for her arrest - theft and fraud. I am not saying the same thing will happen to your sister but one day she will have to face the consequences - be it the law or losing her family.

cant say I'm happy yo hear someone can relate personally, thats terrible, sorry she put you through that.
its quite scary to realise what will happen to her if she steals from the wrong person one day.
i cant help but pity her and i will feel guilty for excluding her

ABajaninCork · 25-09-2014 04:42PM

Tomato19 wrote: »

cant say I'm happy yo hear someone can relate personally, thats terrible, sorry she put you through that.
its quite scary to realise what will happen to her if she steals from the wrong person one day.
i cant help but pity her and i will feel guilty for excluding her

I wouldn't. Your sister isn't a child. Neither is she stupid. She seems to be dealing with a full deck form what you've told us.

Sorry to be so hard, but you need to stick to your guns. Don't invite her. You need to be able to relax and enjoy your day like I said, and not worry about having your wedding gifts nicked.

Arbiter of Good Taste · 25-09-2014 04:55PM

893bet wrote: »

The cards are always handed to a best-man or one of the parents in my experience rather than a family member. I wouldnt worry too much about that to be honest.

I would be very worried. There is precedent. She's cunning and a thief.

Picture this scenario

Sister sees Auntie Mary who is at the drinks reception with a cuppa and holding a card:

Sister: Auntie Mary! (mwah, mwah) How are you? Wasn't it a lovely ceremony? Did you make it down here alright?

Auntie Mary: Hello dear (mwah, mwah), I'm great. Doesn't she look wonderful today? Have you seen the best man around? I want to give him this card before I lose it. I really do hate carrying around cash.

Sister: I think they are still getting their photos taken. Let me take that off your hands. You just relax there.....

ABajaninCork · 25-09-2014 05:00PM

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

I would be very worried. There is precedent. She's cunning and a thief.

Picture this scenario

Sister sees Auntie Mary who is at the drinks reception with a cuppa and holding a card:

Sister: Auntie Mary! (mwah, mwah) How are you? Wasn't it a lovely ceremony? Did you make it down here alright?

Auntie Mary: Hello dear (mwah, mwah), I'm great. Doesn't she look wonderful today? Have you seen the best man around? I want to give him this card before I lose it. I really do hate carrying around cash.

Sister: I think they are still getting their photos taken. Let me take that off your hands. You just relax there.....

Innit?

Gatica · 25-09-2014 05:22PM

MouseTail wrote: »

I am quite surprised at the harshness shown in this thread. To me, weddings, like funerals are a time where fractured families can come together and build bridges. They should not be a time where people are excluded and rifts widened, although of course they often are.
But OP, it is your wedding, and your decision. I truly hope in time you and your sister can forgive each other and build a truce if not a friendship.

I don't think it is harsh at all. I sometime think people think that family has the right to do anything they want to their own flesh and blood without consequences. Parents abusing children, as an extreme example. It doesn't mean you should put up with it.
In certain circumstances you just have to do what is best for you, cutting people out of your life, or whatever else, even if that means doing something that's perceived as "harsh" towards someone in your family.

mrsbyrne · 26-09-2014 08:06AM

Don't feel guilty OP. If you don't un-bridesmaid and un-invite her you are actually doing her a disservice by enabling her to continue being a dick. Anyone who would steal from family to buy shoes doesn't need any sympathy.

893bet · 26-09-2014 09:20AM

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

I would be very worried. There is precedent. She's cunning and a thief.

Picture this scenario

Sister sees Auntie Mary who is at the drinks reception with a cuppa and holding a card:

Sister: Auntie Mary! (mwah, mwah) How are you? Wasn't it a lovely ceremony? Did you make it down here alright?

Auntie Mary: Hello dear (mwah, mwah), I'm great. Doesn't she look wonderful today? Have you seen the best man around? I want to give him this card before I lose it. I really do hate carrying around cash.

Sister: I think they are still getting their photos taken. Let me take that off your hands. You just relax there.....

I suppose I just can't see someone being that capable of being such a @%$#&+. She probably is though ans if you demote her from bridesmaid to normal guest then she will be looking for revenge.

Sister causing stress in wedding planning

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