Sister causing stress in wedding planning

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 01:05AM #1

Hi,
After we nicely let her into our home, my poor fella even paid for her meal and drinks, my sister stole money from my fiancé, €150!!
she denies it, insulted us BOTH and even accused me for its disappearance.. We have completely stopped all contact with her since, my family are disgusted with her.
question is, do we still invite her to Our Wedding? She is a bridesmaid..
I'm really torn... Also, she has a history of thieving.. Thanks for any feedback

December2012 · 23-09-2014 01:08AM

When is the wedding?

3rdDegree · 23-09-2014 01:10AM

Tomato19 wrote: »

Hi,
After we nicely let her into our home, my poor fella even paid for her meal and drinks, my sister stole money from my fiancé, €150!!
she denies it, insulted us BOTH and even accused me for its disappearance.. We have completely stopped all contact with her since, my family are disgusted with her.
question is, do we still invite her to Our Wedding? She is a bridesmaid..
I'm really torn... Also, she has a history of thieving.. Thanks for any feedback

Does she need help? Any pathological issues? If not, then in my opinion, no. She's just a thief who will steal from her own family. She will do it again, maybe at the wedding. Unforgivable.

But if she needs help, that would be different...

margo321 · 23-09-2014 01:11AM

I'm sorry to hear your sister behaved like this. I wouldnt invite her to the wedding as you'll be stressed she'll pull the same stunt and she probably will. Best of luck, it's a horrible position to be in but it's her doing not yours.

Tomato19 wrote: »

Hi,
After we nicely let her into our home, my poor fella even paid for her meal and drinks, my sister stole money from my fiancé, €150!!
she denies it, insulted us BOTH and even accused me for its disappearance.. We have completely stopped all contact with her since, my family are disgusted with her.
question is, do we still invite her to Our Wedding? She is a bridesmaid..
I'm really torn... Also, she has a history of thieving.. Thanks for any feedback

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 01:34AM

December2012 wrote: »

When is the wedding?

hi, its Feb 2015

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 01:36AM

3rdDegree wrote: »

Does she need help? Any pathological issues? If not, then in my opinion, no. She's just a thief who will steal from her own family. She will do it again, maybe at the wedding. Unforgivable.

But if she needs help, that would be different...

myself and the family believe she is just a thief! She steals for her own gain, be it money, clothing or jewellery. Just don't know how i will explain her absence on the day, she hasn't owned up or apologised

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 01:41AM

margo321 wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear your sister behaved like this. I wouldnt invite her to the wedding as you'll be stressed she'll pull the same stunt and she probably will. Best of luck, it's a horrible position to be in but it's her doing not yours.

hi, thank you.. Its upsetting but, i agree, we would be on edge with her on the day and she hasn't even owned up or apologised.

MouseTail · 23-09-2014 07:04AM

I would invite her, if you dont there is no going back. It is a snub that will hurt for the rest of her life, and she may never forgive you.

the_syco · 23-09-2014 07:48AM

MouseTail wrote: »

I would invite her, if you dont there is no going back. It is a snub that will hurt for the rest of her life, and she may never forgive you.

IMO, respect is a two way street. OP, she has stole from you, has a history of theft, so as you said, you'd be on edge on your day. F**k her. If someone asks about her disappearance, just say "I'll tell you later".

wuffly · 23-09-2014 08:13AM

Awful situation, is she very young? If you don't invite her its something that you can never undo even if she turns things around down the line, so its a hard one to call. I would be worried about her stealing on the wedding day which in its self could be bad enough but leave you a bad position with regards to thanking guests etc... if you do have her there make sure she is well clear of gifts, could you ask someone else to keep an eye on her if you do invite her so its not stressing you out on the day? If it were me I would tell her she needs to admit it and pay you back or she's not invited and that you'll never forgive her if she misses your wedding for 150e.... Then the decision isn't yours it hers and let her stew in it! Hope you can get back to enjoying planning the wedding..

bee06 · 23-09-2014 08:13AM

Given the fact that she is known for stealing and chances are some guests will be giving her cards with money in them if she's bridesmaid can you even trust her at the wedding?

keysersoze0330 · 23-09-2014 08:18AM

bee06 wrote: »

Given the fact that she is known for stealing and chances are some guests will be giving her cards with money in them if she's bridesmaid can you even trust her at the wedding?

Good point

kstand · 23-09-2014 08:19AM

This is the sort of thing people go on that Jeremy Kyle show about.
Right now, what evidence have you got that she stole that money? And how did she know it was there? You cant just go accusing someone without evidence in spite of their previous record.

Redser87 · 23-09-2014 08:26AM

+1 for above. OP, if she is known for doing this kind of thing and you are POSITIVE that there was nobody else in the house at the time who could have done it, then I think you have a couple of options:

- Uninvite her and be prepared for questions about it - and have a short, chirpy answer ready to go.
- Un-bridesmaid her so that she is not in a position of responsibility. This is probably the worst option IMO as she would be very hurt, but still at the wedding - and angry people can do strange things, especially if they've had one too many.
- Keep things as they are in terms of her invitation and status, but have a good think about preventing this happening on the day. Keep the key to your room on you or give it to somebody you trust; have cheques or bank drafts made out to suppliers who are to be paid on the day; and have a locked safe or arrange with the staff to keep presents somewhere very secure. The day itself, if it is more or less the traditional wedding, will be quite structured up until after the meal/ speeches. After that, you might need to get someone to keep an eye on her during the afters - people might leave their handbags etc. down.

Sorry to be all doom and gloom but if you do choose to keep her where she is, there are ways to preempt any thieving.

bucketybuck · 23-09-2014 08:30AM

Redser87 wrote: »

- Keep things as they are in terms of her invitation and status, but have a good think about preventing this happening on the day. Keep the key to your room on you or give it to somebody you trust; have cheques or bank drafts made out to suppliers who are to be paid on the day; and have a locked safe or arrange with the staff to keep presents somewhere very secure. The day itself, if it is more or less the traditional wedding, will be quite structured up until after the meal/ speeches. After that, you might need to get someone to keep an eye on her during the afters - people might leave their handbags etc. down.

If you have to do this on your wedding day because of one person then the real answer is to remove that person from the equation.

salmocab · 23-09-2014 08:31AM

She is your sister you didn't get to chose her, so don't feel bad about not inviting her, she brought it on herself and her problems shouldn't be yours.

December2012 · 23-09-2014 09:39AM

How do you know she took it?

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 12:24PM

MouseTail wrote: »

I would invite her, if you dont there is no going back. It is a snub that will hurt for the rest of her life, and she may never forgive you.

thanks everyone for your words!
i realise if i don't invite her, it will have long term consequences.. But, she isn't helping herself atal by, insulting us both and denying it, also, she has the BM dress we bought her and cant see us getting that back

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 12:31PM

wuffly wrote: »

Awful situation, is she very young? If you don't invite her its something that you can never undo even if she turns things around down the line, so its a hard one to call. I would be worried about her stealing on the wedding day which in its self could be bad enough but leave you a bad position with regards to thanking guests etc... if you do have her there make sure she is well clear of gifts, could you ask someone else to keep an eye on her if you do invite her so its not stressing you out on the day? If it were me I would tell her she needs to admit it and pay you back or she's not invited and that you'll never forgive her if she misses your wedding for 150e.... Then the decision isn't yours it hers and let her stew in it! Hope you can get back to enjoying planning the wedding..

hi, great advice!
she's in her 30's. I would be very afraid of guests handing her cards as they would of course trust her, not to mention, I fear she would "handle" that would be delivered to our parents house by post

Milly33 · 23-09-2014 12:42PM

I was just going to ask how old she is..

Being in her 30's Id say she is old enough to know right from wrong.... In my head I was saying to maybe just invite her, I wouldn't have her as bridesmaid because you would not need the extra stress on the day ye should be enjoying yerselfs not watching everything she does..

But from above it sounds like you don't have any trust left in her and going from there id say to not invite her. If you feel a little bad invite her to the afters and leave it at that.. But don't go putting her in front of ye on yer day.. Your hubbie to be wont be too happy although I am sure he would support you and you will be always watching her..

Nothing like this happened in regards to stealing but I remember a family wedding close family. One of us was not invited, two of us were only invited to the afters and then were questioned later as to why we didn't go to the whole thing and we just let it all be it was fine, we didn't want to ruin their day as did no one else so no one asked questions and we all just got on with it.. So maybe your sister will be the same, she is old enough to understand she done wrong and that is the reason to why she isn't going.. So maybe meet up with her after for a small celebration even lunch or something if she wants to and see how she deals with it.

Best of luck deciding it is a tough one, I hope ye do not stress too much over it

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 12:48PM

kstand wrote: »

This is the sort of thing people go on that Jeremy Kyle show about.
Right now, what evidence have you got that she stole that money? And how did she know it was there? You cant just go accusing someone without evidence in spite of their previous record.

hi, yes we don't have her on camera but, the money was placed in its "safe place" only the evening before, normally we don't keep much cash in house. She couldn't have known where it was, she obviously went rooting and came across it. She was the only person who was over, less than 48hrs later, fiancé discovered it was gone! We wracked our brains thoroughly before accusing her, as we didn't want to believe it, its more serious this time, as she stole from outside her own family.. It did cause tension between myself and Fiancé at the time

Red Nissan · 23-09-2014 12:52PM

I'd be in the camp of not inviting her and accepting as collateral damage that she will never forgive me.

She might change in time and realise a few things, but not in the few months remaining for sure.

[edit] I see she is 30 years of age! No changing that sort of personality now, whatever chips one has acquired by near middle age, are the chips carried for life.

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 12:53PM

December2012 wrote: »

How do you know she took it?

there was nobody else who could have

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 01:10PM

Milly33 wrote: »

I was just going to ask how old she is..

Being in her 30's Id say she is old enough to know right from wrong.... In my head I was saying to maybe just invite her, I wouldn't have her as bridesmaid because you would not need the extra stress on the day ye should be enjoying yerselfs not watching everything she does..

But from above it sounds like you don't have any trust left in her and going from there id say to not invite her. If you feel a little bad invite her to the afters and leave it at that.. But don't go putting her in front of ye on yer day.. Your hubbie to be wont be too happy although I am sure he would support you and you will be always watching her..

Nothing like this happened in regards to stealing but I remember a family wedding close family. One of us was not invited, two of us were only invited to the afters and then were questioned later as to why we didn't go to the whole thing and we just let it all be it was fine, we didn't want to ruin their day as did no one else so no one asked questions and we all just got on with it.. So maybe your sister will be the same, she is old enough to understand she done wrong and that is the reason to why she isn't going.. So maybe meet up with her after for a small celebration even lunch or something if she wants to and see how she deals with it.

Best of luck deciding it is a tough one, I hope ye do not stress too much over it

hi Milly, thanks!
You can choose your friends but not your family!
its good to know my family also support us in whatever decision we make. The whole thing is sickening and embarrassing

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 01:18PM

Red Nissan wrote: »

I'd be in the camp of not inviting her and accepting as collateral damage that she will never forgive me.

She might change in time and realise a few things, but not in the few months remaining for sure.

[edit] I see she is 30 years of age! No changing that sort of personality now, whatever chips one has acquired by near middle age, are the chips carried for life.

thanks RedNissan,
she had never accepted responsibility for it in the past but, considering its such an important family event, that she would def not want to miss... I do expect her to try fix this.. But, she stole from my fiance, texted very harsh words him, caused him alot of stress so, if he doesn't want to hear it, i will 100% support him

Toots · 23-09-2014 01:38PM

bee06 wrote: »

Given the fact that she is known for stealing and chances are some guests will be giving her cards with money in them if she's bridesmaid can you even trust her at the wedding?

That's exactly what I was thinking. There's potentially thousands in cash floating around on wedding days. Imagine finding your cards opened and the cash gone? or worse, she steals the cash and puts the cards in the bin and you're left wondering did xyz give you a gift and should you send them a thank you card, and then they're thinking you're rude for not sending a card. Or worse again, she steals money from one of your guests!!

Look, she has a history of theft, even your family agree with you. She brought this on herself. Don't invite her to the wedding, the potential for it to go wrong is too high.

Tomato19 · 23-09-2014 01:43PM

Toots wrote: »

That's exactly what I was thinking. There's potentially thousands in cash floating around on wedding days. Imagine finding your cards opened and the cash gone? or worse, she steals the cash and puts the cards in the bin and you're left wondering did xyz give you a gift and should you send them a thank you card, and then they're thinking you're rude for not sending a card. Or worse again, she steals money from one of your guests!!

Look, she has a history of theft, even your family agree with you. She brought this on herself. Don't invite her to the wedding, the potential for it to go wrong is too high.

absolutely! The day will go much smoother without her, as sad as that is.
thanks everyone

D3PO · 23-09-2014 01:45PM

your not talking and she stole from you .... no brainer dont invite her.

If it caused a row let it cause one. Much better a row before your big day than on it.

gabsdot40 · 23-09-2014 04:08PM

I was at a wedding once where the brides sister and her partner were not invited. They are trouble makers and have substance abuse problems. the bride and groom just didn't want to risk any trouble v

Dial Hard · 23-09-2014 04:16PM

MouseTail wrote: »

I would invite her, if you dont there is no going back. It is a snub that will hurt for the rest of her life, and she may never forgive you.

wuffly wrote: »

If you don't invite her its something that you can never undo even if she turns things around down the line, so its a hard one to call.

To be honest, this whole "What if you regret not inviting her later?" thing doesn't wash with me. All people can do in any stressful situation is make the best decision for them at the time - you can't legislate for how you might feel five, ten, fifteen years down the line. I didn't go to my brother's wedding for reasons I won't go into here, and that's all I heard from everyone - "What if you regret it in years to come?" Well, what if I do? I'll deal with that if and when the time comes. But I definitely would have regretted going there and then, so that's the choice I made.

Tbh, OP, the only thing that confuses me about your scenario is why you asked her to be a bridesmaid in the first place.

ABajaninCork · 23-09-2014 05:04PM

Just my tuppence worth, but to me it's not even a starter for 10. NO WAY would I have her at the wedding!! The OP and her soon-to-be husband need to relax and enjoy the day. Not stand there worrying whether they'll have any wedding gifts left because her greedy sister took them!

If the sister has an ounce of empathy or shame, let her sit there and wonder what might have been, if she didn't lie like a rug and wasn't so light-fingered...

Sister causing stress in wedding planning

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