Should I report to Gardai?

Brochatshow · 31-08-2014 11:50PM #1

Hi! Basically I'm just looking for advice about reporting an incident of non-serious physical assault to the Gardai. Im a 19 year old female never have been involved with the law so not sure what to do. A few days ago as a learner driver I took my mother's car for a spinaround the house. My 21 year old brother came running out of the house, yanked open door of car and proceeded to pull my arm with extreme force trying to get me out of the car. I could feel the skin of my arm about to tear. Despite my screaming he would not let go. Eventually he managed to drag me out, beat me in the chest until my parents intervened. Long story short, I went to the GP. There was heavy bruising, and neuropraxia in my arm and scratches on my chest. The GP said he would deem it physical assault worthy. My parents naturally don't want me too in case of a criminal record I just need some advice about how to go about reporting or if it's too trivial to report and what possible consequences cud be. Really sorry for overly long post

GBX · 31-08-2014 11:54PM

Id report him.
Has your brother ever shown signs of being a violent person before? Is he of sound mind?
Was the only reason he dragged and beat you because of the car?

Brochatshow · 01-09-2014 12:02AM

GBX wrote: »

Id report him.
Has your brother ever shown signs of being a violent person before? Is he of sound mind?
Was the only reason he dragged and beat you because of the car?

He has an aggressive temper and can be quite verbally abusive but I can defend myself quite well when it comes to that. Honestly he has never been physically violent like that b4. Normally if I felt any threat of that (which he has) I just get out of the house. The only thing I could count (as adults) was a fairly brutal kick to the shins back in April.

01-09-2014 12:04AM

Brochatshow wrote: »

He has an aggressive temper and can be quite verbally abusive but I can defend myself quite well when it comes to that. Honestly he has never been physically violent like that b4. Normally if I felt any threat of that (which he has) I just get out of the house. The only thing I could count (as adults) was a fairly brutal kick to the shins back in April.

This animal needs to be taught a lesson,in fact,you might even be doing him a favor by reporting him.

Brochatshow · 01-09-2014 12:07AM

GBX wrote: »

Id report him.
Has your brother ever shown signs of being a violent person before? Is he of sound mind?
Was the only reason he dragged and beat you because of the car?

Sorry I meant to add more. I was driving my mother's car which he is due to get when she buys a new one. I was driving cautiously though. I believe he was afraid I might damage/ scratch said vehicle but he acted completely disproportionately.

GBX · 01-09-2014 12:16AM

Brochatshow wrote: »

Sorry I meant to add more. I was driving my mother's car which he is due to get when she buys a new one. I was driving cautiously though. I believe he was afraid I might damage/ scratch said vehicle but he acted completely disproportionately.

If he is violent because of fears you may damage a future purchase that's unreal. He needs to be reported . This type of behaviour is not warranted for any situation never mind that your were in the car in the first place.

Brochatshow · 01-09-2014 12:30AM

GBX wrote: »

If he is violent because of fears you may damage a future purchase that's unreal. He needs to be reported . This type of behaviour is not warranted for any situation never mind that your were in the car in the first place.

Thanks for your thoughts I agree. I have spoken to my parents and they said that he could potentially tell the Gardai I provoked him. I just don't see how it counts as provocation! I know they really don't want me to report. They want him to be able to get a job when he graduates but I don't think they're doing him any favours, protecting him like that.

GBX · 01-09-2014 12:34AM

Brochatshow wrote: »

Thanks for your thoughts I agree. I have spoken to my parents and they said that he could potentially tell the Gardai I provoked him. I just don't see how it counts as provocation! I know they really don't want me to report. They want him to be able to get a job when he graduates but I don't think they're doing him any favours, protecting him like that.

Exactly. Why protect his volatile and violent personality just because he wants a job when he graduated. He should have thought before he assaulted you.

ABajaninCork · 01-09-2014 12:36AM

Brochatshow wrote: »

Thanks for your thoughts I agree. I have spoken to my parents and they said that he could potentially tell the Gardai I provoked him. I just don't see how it counts as provocation! I know they really don't want me to report. They want him to be able to get a job when he graduates but I don't think they're doing him any favours, protecting him like that.

I agree. And with all due respect, your parents are talking rubbish. They are trying to discourage you from reporting the assault (for that is EXACTLY what it is). You have medical records proving the injuries. If you report this, then it might just discourage the aggressive and bullying behaviour by your brother if he wants a good career when he graduates...

What action did your parents take when you told them about your brother's behaviour?

deisemum · 01-09-2014 12:41AM

Report him because if you don't he'll probably do it again. Your parents aren't doing him any favours. I've seen it happen within my own family (siblings) and when the thug sibling got violent again within weeks and she did a lot more damage to a different sibling and my mother repeatedly kept siding with the thug but the 2 siblings who'd been physically assaulted reported it to the gardai and the gardai dealt with it. The thug got enough of a fright not to do it again.

Brochatshow · 01-09-2014 12:48AM

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I agree. And with all due respect, your parents are talking rubbish. They are trying to discourage you from reporting the assault (for that is EXACTLY what it is). You have medical records proving the injuries. If you report this, then it might just discourage the aggressive and bullying behaviour by your brother if he wants a good career when he graduates...

What action did your parents take when you told them about your brother's behaviour?

My father was actually outside when it happened. He was fixing something but I think the open car door obscured what was going on. My mother eventually managed to pull him off me. I was in shock for a long time after. My parents kicked him out of the house that evening and as far as I know he's staying with friends (who I doubt know anything about it/ care). He's come back a few times since, when I've been out to get clothes. I'm really glad that he's gone but I wish my parents weren't trying to undermine me about reporting it. I honestly feel intimidated by the guards, haven't a clue how to go about it so aby advice is welcome! My main concern is that the nerve heals properly and my hand will hp back to normal.

ABajaninCork · 01-09-2014 12:54AM

At least your parents are taking it semi-seriously by kicking him out. Have you spoken any more about what's happened since then? I'd make it pretty clear that your injuries are serious, and your brother needs to be taught a lesson. He's a right little hard man hitting girls, isn't he?

If you're still going to report this to the Gards, then I wouldn't go alone. Take a friend with you. If the station sergeant fobs you off, then insist on speaking to an inspector.

Brochatshow · 01-09-2014 01:04AM

ABajaninCork wrote: »

At least your parents are taking it semi-seriously by kicking him out. Have you spoken any more about what's happened since then? I'd make it pretty clear that your injuries are serious, and your brother needs to be taught a lesson. He's a right little hard man hitting girls, isn't he?

If you're still going to report this to the Gards, then I wouldn't go alone. Take a friend with you. If the station sergeant fobs you off, then insist on speaking to an inspector.

We have a fair bit. I think my mother was a bit shocked when I found out that bruises were actually from his fingers digging in. My father said he'd give me a lift but my mother refused to come. She wasn't fully in favour of me driving her car but look as I said it was a spin around the house. I honestly would rather a stranger have done it because the whole thing's a bit of a mess.

ABajaninCork · 01-09-2014 01:21AM

Brochatshow wrote: »

We have a fair bit. I think my mother was a bit shocked when I found out that bruises were actually from his fingers digging in. My father said he'd give me a lift but my mother refused to come. She wasn't fully in favour of me driving her car but look as I said it was a spin around the house. I honestly would rather a stranger have done it because the whole thing's a bit of a mess.

If your mother wasn't totally zen about you taking her car, then why did you take it anyway? Of course, I'm not excusing your brother's behaviour for one moment, but it might explain why she does not want you to go to the Gards. If I were her, I'd sell the car. That way, NEITHER of you get it, and there'll be no more argument.

And if that offer's still open from your Pops, then take it. Let him take you to the Gards. They'll probably want statements from both of your parents anyway.

Brochatshow · 01-09-2014 01:43AM

ABajaninCork wrote: »

If your mother wasn't totally zen about you taking her car, then why did you take it anyway? Of course, I'm not excusing your brother's behaviour for one moment, but it might explain why she does not want you to go to the Gards. If I were her, I'd sell the car. That way, NEITHER of you get it, and there'll be no more argument.

And if that offer's still open from your Pops, then take it. Let him take you to the Gards. They'll probably want statements from both of your parents anyway.

My mother and I weren't on the best of terms last Sunday evening. She got physical with me, grabbed hold of me fairly forcibly and held me down. She is still alot stronger than me. To be honest, I didn't feel comfortable admitting this in the first post as it makes me sound like I'm living in an abusive household. I'm not. But I think you can probably see where my brother gets it from. That's why I took my mother's car, in retaliation. Like I said she's alot stronger than me so I would not/could not challenge her physically. These may be why ahe doesn't want me to the Gardai. Of course Im not going to report her, she has other things going on atm which can explain her behaviour somewhat. I regard what he did as very much wrong and largely unrelated. My mother has never really raised her hand to me much before so Im shocked but not hurt. About her selling the car I agree but I don't want it!
I know I was wrong to start and drive the car around the house. But it hardly counts as grand theft auto in the eyes of the law

CaraMay · 01-09-2014 01:47AM

So why did she physically assault you? Why report him and not her? Maybe it's time to move out of home. You shouldn't have taken her car. I'm not sure we are getting the full story here.

Brochatshow · 01-09-2014 01:56AM

CaraMay wrote: »

So why did she physically assault you? Why report him and not her? Maybe it's time to move out of home. You shouldn't have taken her car. I'm not sure we are getting the full story here.

I know it's difficult to follow but yes you are. I won't report my mother because I have no marks/damage to show for it. Besides that we have normally a good relationship. I have forgiven her for it. Also if she were reported it would wreck her business. As regards what he did, things are a lot less ambiguous. We generally don't have a great relationship. I think I explained it in another post. I'm preparing for a piano teaching diploma exam so any nerve damage is not good. I suppose domeatic situations are never clear cut.

Montjuic · 01-09-2014 02:08AM

To be honest ye sound like a crowd of head cases and I'd forget about it all it wasn't that serious really. The Guards would laugh at ye.

Brochatshow · 01-09-2014 02:17AM

Montjuic wrote: »

To be honest ye sound like a crowd of head cases and I'd forget about it all it wasn't that serious really. The Guards would laugh at ye.

Ah sure I suppose it might be seem odd to you because you haven't experienced it but this sort of sh*t is alot more common than you'd think. I'll agree with you about the seriousness bit when I regain full use of my hand

I'll take my chances with them thanks

CaraMay · 01-09-2014 03:11AM

What of you hope to gain from reporting him?

whirlpool · 01-09-2014 03:33AM

Brochatshow wrote: »

My mother and I weren't on the best of terms last Sunday evening. She got physical with me, grabbed hold of me fairly forcibly and held me down. She is still alot stronger than me. To be honest, I didn't feel comfortable admitting this in the first post as it makes me sound like I'm living in an abusive household. I'm not.

Yes, you are.

It's time to call a spade a spade.

You have been physically assaulted by your brother, brutally, and you have been physically assaulted by your mother. Whether it happened ten times or it happened once - you are living in an abusive household. You are being abused. You do not deserve to be abused. Nobody deserves to be abused.

It sounds like you have talked yourself into believing this is normal or acceptable behaviour. It is neither. Stop accepting it. It is violent, it is criminal and it is wrong.

You have talked yourself into the mindframe that violent abuse is okay in certain situations, just because it's "common" and just because it's "family." That is a very dangerous and worrying mindframe for you to have talked yourself into. It is never okay. Especially not within a family.

Whatever is going on in your brother's head or your mother's head, don't concern yourself with that at the moment. What's most worrying is what's going on in your head, which is that you believe there can ever be an excuse for violent behaviour towards you. The second that you start making excuses for it, the more and more you will start to accept it in other areas of your life. It is a dangerous path to go down. Do not go down it.

Violence towards you is never okay. It is never right. It is never acceptable and it is never excusable. Please say this to yourself, believe it, and act accordingly!

whirlpool · 01-09-2014 03:34AM

CaraMay wrote: »

What of you hope to gain from reporting him?

I don't know what the OP hopes to gain, but there is a lot to potentially gain.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 01-09-2014 03:45AM

Has he been violent towards you before? Has he ever been in trouble with the guards? In my experience the guards do tend to take physical assault on family members seriously. My brother tends to be quite violent with me, but is known to the guards so maybe it's a different scenario. He assaulted me back a few months ago, thought he fractured my jaw and gave me a black eye. I called the guards and within ten mins, three of them arrived at the door. Two males and a female. They were very nice, and kind of pushed me to make a statement. The male guards took him aside and the female guard took me into another room. Of course he denied ever touching me but my face was marked, and had I made a statement, they'd have taken him in straight away.

They explained to me that night, in situations like that, it tends to get worse, not better and there's nothing they can do without a statement, and it would most definitely end up in court, but wouldn't be serious enough for him to be locked up.

They also suggested speaking to my solicitor about getting a safety order which means if he breaks the order he can be arrested straight away. Maybe you could look into that?

I wouldn't be too concerned in thinking you provoked him. There's nothing you could do that warrants him assaulting you or laying a hand on you. It's none of his business what you do with your mothers car as he has no interest in it, yet.

Even if you weren't to make a statement, the gardai will speak to him, if you ask them to, just to even frighten him.

Rubberchikken · 01-09-2014 07:57AM

you say your mom has never really raised her hand to you - never or ever, they are two different things.
i know it probably hurts but any type of behaviour from anyone is your family is abuse, and it needs to be stopped.

maybe speaking to a community garda would stop your brother behaving like he has, but your mom can't physically restrain you either. none of the behaviour you mentioned is acceptable.

you're all adults and need to address these issues calmly or else it's going to end up in a pretty serious manner.

take care

Brochatshow · 01-09-2014 09:34AM

CaraMay wrote: »

What of you hope to gain from reporting him?

I would have thought it'd be fairly obvious. Basically I think he should be punished and feel the consequences of his actions. I think he needs a warning and that should be enough to prevent anything like this happening again. I've only just turned 19 and I don't want my confidence to be knocked by this and by reporting it I feel I can redress thag somewhat

seamus · 01-09-2014 09:45AM

Brochatshow wrote: »

Thanks for your thoughts I agree. I have spoken to my parents and they said that he could potentially tell the Gardai I provoked him.

Textbook domestic violence apologism - "You must have provoked him to cause a reaction like that".
You've been conditioned to think like this too - "My brother beat the **** out of me and my mother grabbed me and held me down, but I don't live in an abusive family".

You do.
My mother never once physically lost the rag with her kids, despite going red in the face a couple of times a day. At worst, we were dragged by the arm and put into our rooms plenty of times, but as children. We got into plenty of physical fights between ourselves, but as children.
Since we've all been 14 or older, none of us have ever comes to physical blows and certainly our parents have never been physical with us - because adults solve disputes with words, not fists.

Imagine living at home and not walking on eggshells all the time lest your mother or your brother lose the rag and hit you or pin you down? That's how the rest of the world already lives. Your family are not normal, no matter how much they tell you they are.

Tbh, it sounds like your brother is mentally ill and it won't be long before he ends up lashing out at someone in public and being locked up for aggravated assault, or worse, murder.
Pretending that it's not a big deal and is something that should be dealt with "in the family", is exactly what causes people like your brother to go untreated and find themselves in much bigger trouble.

Making a report to the Gardai doesn't automatically mean that your brother will receive a conviction; the Gardai could easily choose to come and talk to him, give him and adult caution and advise him to get help.
It may affect his ability to get a job which involves working with vulnerable people, but given what you've described, that's a positive in my book.

This may bring the seriousness of his actions to his attention and even get him to realise that he needs help.

Does he have any good friends that you could talk to about it? Maybe get them to have a proper word with him?

deisemum · 01-09-2014 09:49AM

I've been thinking about this since I posted last night and the more I think about it I remember other families where a sibling has physically assaulted another sibling most of whom eventually reported the assaults to the gardai. In each reported case that I know of the assaults stopped after the thugs were cautioned by the gardai and none ended up in court, a caution was enough to put a stop to it.

It's a lot more common than people realise until they're in that situation. The gardai do take it seriously.

Dial Hard · 01-09-2014 10:55AM

Brochatshow wrote: »

She wasn't fully in favour of me driving her car but look as I said it was a spin around the house.

Brochatshow wrote: »

My mother and I weren't on the best of terms last Sunday evening. That's why I took my mother's car, in retaliation.
I know I was wrong to start and drive the car around the house. But it hardly counts as grand theft auto in the eyes of the law

Tbh, this changes things somewhat. None of what happened condones or excuses your brother's behaviour in any way, but if you do go to the Gardaí about this you're going to have to admit that A) you took the car without permission and

you were driving unaccompanied. Both of which are against the law. So you need to have a good, long think about whether this is something you want to pursue.

Regardless, your home environment sounds completely toxic and I think you'd be well advised to consider moving out ASAP.

meeeeh · 01-09-2014 11:08AM

Nothing excuses your brothers actions and your mothers actions also seem crazy and wrong and most likely abusive. I think you should possibly report your brother. But op the person that could do the most damage is actually you. No it was not exactly grand theft auto but what if you would hit someone driving unaccompanied. What exactly is driving around the house? Practicing parking.

You sat in car in already excited state of mind unaccompanied. Your brothers actions were utterly wrong but they should not let you drive unaccompanied.

Magicmatilda · 01-09-2014 11:16AM

Were you driving the car on private land, around the grounds of the house?

Or are we talking about in a housing estate and on public roads.

I don't really understand why you took the car, was it to provoke your mother? Or did you actually want to go somewhere?

That was wrong and it is wrong to break the law, by driving unaccompanied (if not on private property)and by stealing the car and just to point out in the US it would actually be grand theft auto, you took the car against the wishes of the owner, that is theft.

However you have clearly been raised in an abusive household.

I think that you obviousely want to report this to the Gardai, so you should, however I also think that you need to move out of this situation and that if you do report it against your mothers wishes you would want to move out anyway as she may not "forgive" you ( not that there is anything to be forgiven for, you are well within your rights to report an assault).

I do want to say though while your brothers action were awful and illegal you do need to acknowledge for yourself that you did exasperate the situation by taking the car. You are not responisble for his actions but you are responsible for your own and your own are not entirely respectful. I don't say that to hurt or provoke you but rather to highlight that just because others act disrespectfully it does not mean we should.

Brochatshow · 01-09-2014 11:31AM

I wasn't going anywhere, I only took it in response to her actions as described above. I know it sounds fairly pathetic but I am not strong as her and didn't want to complicate the situation further with more violence. I cannot emphasise enough, this was on private property, the gates to which were closed at the time. If I'm honest I barely drove 10 metres. The reason it would've annoyed her is because her car is newer than my father's and considered 'offlimits' to me. That's the extent of the "GTA". Perhaps disrespectful, definitely petty but not indictable.

Should I report to Gardai?

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