Our reaction to dead bodies

I Heart Internet · 25-08-2014 04:56PM

Trigger Happy wrote: »

The victorians took things a bit further.

There was a thing for a while where you could get a portrait taken with the corpse of your loved one.
This is VERY creepy.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2450832/Victorian-photographs-relatives-posing-alongside-dead-bodies.html

Well that's quite enough pictures of dead kids for one day.

GRIM

Buona Fortuna · 25-08-2014 05:02PM

Irish Guitarist wrote: »

After my father died and his body was in the funeral home my family were going up and kissing him. I couldn't bring myself to do it. As far as I was concerned it wasn't him in the coffin. Just being in the same room as the coffin was unsettling to put it mildly.

I just can't approach a lifeless body and pretend to talk to it as if it was the person I once knew. .

Sorry for your loss. Losing my Dad knocked me quite hard.

Having a loved one die is bad enough but funerals and Irish tradition in general just makes me feel worse about it

I have to say, I think Irish funerals are the best.

Funerals in the UK are awful in comparison. For a start there's a 2 or 3 week wait and then they're kind of like a damp squib. I just feel so much happier after an Irish funeral.

The worst I went to was an Indian funeral. I didn't know the guy I was just sent along to represent the company. Nice day out of the office I thought. It was horrendous. It was a cremation and they made his 12y/o son pull the lever to send Dad in his way. The kid was near hysterical and in the end an uncle held the kid's hand on the lever and pulled. That's over 20 years ago

josip · 25-08-2014 05:09PM

Grandmother - blood infection, open coffin.
Grandfather - creamery milk lorry, closed coffin.

Touched my father's forehead in the hospital morgue. I knew then that he wasn't coming back.

willmunny1990 · 25-08-2014 05:10PM

I like how our funerals are wrapped up very fast, no hanging about or arsing around, reading about the length of them in the UK shocked me.

I wouldn't be into the whole open coffin thing, I definitely want to be closed up and have requested this if anything should happen to me.

Ive only ever went into see the body's of very close friends and relatives and in my experience at funerals a lot of people only go in for the look, its a day out for some.

House of Blaze · 25-08-2014 05:17PM

LizzieJones wrote: »

I wish they were here. Been to 4 funerals myself and all of them were open coffins.

Also when a Pope dies, I don't care much for them parading his dead body around as they did on tv when John Paul II died.

I wouldn't advise going to the vatican then.

You can't walk ten steps before tripping over a dead pope in a glass vacuum case.

I remember vividly imagining a sort of a 'Night at the Museum' type of affair after they lock the doors at the end of the day and all the popes come out and have a natter..

Steve F · 25-08-2014 05:26PM

I'm from the UK and let me tell you another thing.When I told my relatives about the "Local death notices" on the radio they were incredulous. "You mean they actually read out the names and details of people who have died over rhe radio??"
Different culture altogether.
Some would say(not me tho) that the Irish are preoccupied with death..esp the older generation.I remember Ardal O'hanlon joking that when he rang home to Ireland from abroad the first thing his mother would say was, "You'll never guess who's dead"
Same happens with me after a 2 week holiday out of the country,I have to sit through a list of deaths as soon as I get through the door

shmalentine · 25-08-2014 05:31PM

The first time I ever saw a dead body was in college as part of my anatomy class. The class was asked before we went into the lab to raise their hands if theyd never seen a dead a body before, I was shocked to see only 3 hands went up (including my own) out of a class of about 80.

I know seeing a cadaver in a lab setting does not compare to an open coffin funeral of a loved one but I got more upset than I had expected. Not just frightened or squeamish , for some reason I was genuinely just saddened I was in this room with these 12 anonymous lifeless bodies. I couldnt shake it off for the rest of that day.
I tried my best to avoid looking at them but our lecturer was eyeing us all to make sure we got over the initial shock as we'd be in there every week so we all had to get quite close. I did get used to all of them as the weeks went on but I'd still feel quite somber for a few hours after each class.

I'm grateful that I'v only attended a few funerals, in comparison to others who say theyve lost count. I don't think I'd cope well in an open casket setting.

Galwayguy35 · 25-08-2014 05:32PM

My parents were waked at home the first night, and then the funeral home the second day, I agree with what someone else said, I found my mother just after she died and it's different to when you see them in the coffin later.

Tarzana · 25-08-2014 05:37PM

Tarzana wrote: »

My grandmother died over the only hot weekend of 2012. Temps in the high 20s in the west of Ireland all weekend. She was waked at her house and it was such a great night. So relaxed, people spilling out on to the lawn in front of her house, reminiscing about her. I loved it.

To add to this, my granny's coffin was situated in the 'good room' of the house, where nobody was ever allowed to smoke.

The night of the wake, my uncle asked her one last time if he could smoke in the room.

He did. He then said "Sorry, mammy". :'(

con___manx1 · 25-08-2014 05:45PM

When I was 7 years old I seen my granny's body at her wake. My father made me give her a kiss on the cheek. Still to this day I think about it and im nearly 30. My uncle died of cancer a few years ago. He had a really hard death.he suffered so much . I didn't go to the wake as it was an open coffin and I really didn't Want to c my uncles body.

foxy farmer · 25-08-2014 06:20PM

Seeing adults and old people in an open coffin wouldn't phase me in the least. Have helped the undertaker lift my mothers corpse into a coffin from her deathbed. Seeing someone where they died can be a bit weird but by far the worst I've ever witnessed is a child in a coffin. 11 yr old boy in perfect health who died suddenly. That just did not sit right with me. The family waked him at home and were all but lying in the coffin with him. Wouldn't like to witness anything like it again.

miss no stars · 25-08-2014 06:24PM

willmunny1990 wrote: »

I like how our funerals are wrapped up very fast, no hanging about or arsing around, reading about the length of them in the UK shocked me.

I wouldn't be into the whole open coffin thing, I definitely want to be closed up and have requested this if anything should happen to me.

Ive only ever went into see the body's of very close friends and relatives and in my experience at funerals a lot of people only go in for the look, its a day out for some.

I actually hate this business of getting it out of the way asap. I think there's a happy medium. Half a day to let the news settle, then start planning - 2.5 days to organize the lot. Then some time to relax after the planning and let the news settle a little more. Funeral 4ish days after the death. Otherwise it'd all be a whirlwind and you don't get the benefit of the funeral cos you're too worn out and wound up.

_Redzer_ · 25-08-2014 06:27PM

I hate open coffins and touching dead people it's horrible!

When I kick the bucket I'm getting cremated. No kissing or touching my cold, horrible body. Ugh

Buona Fortuna · 25-08-2014 06:29PM

miss no stars wrote: »

I actually hate this business of getting it out of the way asap. I think there's a happy medium. Half a day to let the news settle, then start planning - 2.5 days to organize the lot. Then some time to relax after the planning and let the news settle a little more. Funeral 4ish days after the death. Otherwise it'd all be a whirlwind and you don't get the benefit of the funeral cos you're too worn out and wound up.

I agree. They're often held up a bit for the Yanks to get here though.

The ones in the UK waiting 2-3 weeks is just way, way too long. Its like you're in this weird sort of limbo-land.

Spring Onion · 25-08-2014 06:37PM

I personally dislike looking at dead bodies whether they be at removals or at wakes. I do so out of respect but I don't think I will ever say that the body "looks well". I will be getting cremated and the ashes thrown in a local river.

Lisha · 25-08-2014 06:58PM

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I think there is a big urban, rural divide on this one. The culchies here in work, (aka the hearse followers) are forever going to the funeral of their neighbours cousins mother in laws sister or some such bollox. I've missed the funerals of uncles, aunts and cousins - fúck that shít, if you couldn't be arsed to visit them, or barely knew them even (or at all in some cases) when they were alive, it's just ridiculous to feel the need to "pay your respects" once they're dead.

Your post made me laugh. I would fall firmly in the 'hearse follower' catagory.
I quite like the traditions associated with Irish funerals. They can bring their own comfort. Not for everyone I understand though.

I work with some people from the city and I was very amused to hear one girl refer to the funeral home as the 'dead house' as in 'is the funeral from his own house or the dead house?'

That was a bit weirdly casual IMHO .

sbsquarepants · 26-08-2014 10:22AM

_Redzer_ wrote: »

No kissing or touching my cold, horrible body. Ugh

Show some respect would you, leave your sex life out of this!

Lisha wrote: »

Your post made me laugh. I would fall firmly in the 'hearse follower' catagory.
I quite like the traditions associated with Irish funerals. They can bring their own comfort. Not for everyone I understand though.

I work with some people from the city and I was very amused to hear one girl refer to the funeral home as the 'dead house' as in 'is the funeral from his own house or the dead house?'

That was a bit weirdly casual IMHO .

Ha, the dead house - I haven't heard that one in a while!

WILL NEVER LOG OFF · 26-08-2014 10:32AM

going to funerals is part of our culchie culture. it's a very life-affirming event, in our own topsy-turvey culchie ways.

any death in my family left me with fond funeral memories. everyone around you knows exactly what to do, and, say, at every moment.

when your world has turned upside-down, that ritual certainty, community, and even macabre humour are some comfort.

kingchess · 26-08-2014 10:45AM

I think that the Irish have a very open attitude to Death,and seeing the body can bring "closure"(as the yanks might say).and the wake in the house is a chance for all the relatives to meet and and the younger children get a chance to meet other cousins of their own age and re-affirm family bonds, I have been to plenty of wakes and it is true what people say-a good funeral is better than a bad wedding.

Kiwi in IE · 26-08-2014 10:49AM

ballsymchugh wrote: »

i live in england. telling the locals about wakes and watching their reaction is kinda funny. they seem completely horrified at the thought, but then again, funerals here are extremely private. you more or less have to be invited to one. a staggering amount of people have never been to one, even their own grandparents.

I have to admit I found that the way funerals are done here very different. Most often funerals in NZ are also as described above, and when I die that is certainly the type I want. I like the idea of funerals bring private. You wouldn't really attend a funeral of someone you didn't know personally at home, unless it was a person who was a close family member of someone very close to you who you had never happened to meet. You don't really attend the funeral of your third cousin's mother in laws aunties father etc.

OH is going to have a difficult task if I die first and we still live here. I want a private ceremony in a secular funeral parlour followed by cremation. End of story. No wakes, reposing, removals etc whatever they entail precisely. And certainly no crowd of people, some who you probably never met but like attending funerals, walking down the road holding up traffic!

kylith · 26-08-2014 11:01AM

miss no stars wrote: »

I actually hate this business of getting it out of the way asap. I think there's a happy medium. Half a day to let the news settle, then start planning - 2.5 days to organize the lot. Then some time to relax after the planning and let the news settle a little more. Funeral 4ish days after the death. Otherwise it'd all be a whirlwind and you don't get the benefit of the funeral cos you're too worn out and wound up.

I have to disagree, wouldn't the body be on the turn then? The last thing you want is for gran to smell like she's going off.

josip · 26-08-2014 11:04AM

kylith wrote: »

I have to disagree, wouldn't the body be on the turn then? The last thing you want is for gran to smell like she's going off.

A lot of grans smell like that even before their big day out

folamh · 26-08-2014 11:05AM

ballsymchugh wrote: »

i live in england. telling the locals about wakes and watching their reaction is kinda funny. they seem completely horrified at the thought, but then again, funerals here are extremely private. you more or less have to be invited to one. a staggering amount of people have never been to one, even their own grandparents.

I've also heard from two Irish people now living in England that they have a far more private and less relaxed attitude to death.

On the Wire they said it's a tradition in Ireland to take the body to the pub, lay it on the table and have a party around it. Has anyone been to one of those or is this just a silly Americanism?

SpaceTime · 26-08-2014 11:09AM

The Americans can go either way. They're fairly big into open caskets and wakes.

Buona Fortuna · 26-08-2014 11:16AM

folamh wrote: »

I've also heard from two Irish people now living in England that they have a far more private and less relaxed attitude to death.

On the Wire they said it's a tradition in Ireland to take the body to the pub, lay it on the table and have a party around it. Has anyone been to one of those or is this just a silly Americanism?

Not to the pub but when my wife's Grandfather died (great character and an absolute total gent) there was a party in the house with the open coffin on the table. Now thats pretty par for the course these parts but I did have to stifle a few giggles with the wife when people carried on using Grandpa as the table. Someone put their plate of sandwiches on his chest and another put their cup and saucer there too.

In the end I had to go outside I couldn't cover the laughter anymore.

WILL NEVER LOG OFF · 26-08-2014 11:21AM

OSI wrote: »

I much preferred my paternal Grandmothers funeral in the UK to my maternal Grandmothers in Ireland. In the UK the actual funeral was a private affair where we as a family could comfort each other grieve quite openly as a family unit. In Ireland it was a massive affair where you spent half the day being introduced to strangers and that god awful tradition at the removal where everyone files past the family at the top of the church offering their condolences.

if you want a small funeral in ireland, nobody's going to stop you.

plenty of people have a 'house private' notice, and some dont even take out an obituary or don't have an open-invite afters.

if your family want a very public funeral, but you don't, then it's easy to exclude yourself from the sympathisers, or the meal.

but for those who choose these things see value in them.

Buona Fortuna · 26-08-2014 11:24AM

OSI wrote: »

I much preferred my paternal Grandmothers funeral in the UK to my maternal Grandmothers in Ireland. In the UK the actual funeral was a private affair where we as a family could comfort each other grieve quite openly as a family unit. In Ireland it was a massive affair where you spent half the day being introduced to strangers and that god awful tradition at the removal where everyone files past the family at the top of the church offering their condolences.

That's interesting because I'd say the exact opposite. My Father's funeral in the UK was a bleak and sad affair. My boss at the time was telling me how all of those people filing past, at his Father's funeral, was just a welcome distraction. The odd light hearted comment, people you hadn't seen for years.

Now maybe I look at it a little through rose tinted specs, because I was obviously closer to my Dad and that day was always going to be $hit no matter if the NYC marching band turned up and played congratulations.

seamus · 26-08-2014 11:30AM

I Heart Internet wrote: »

It reminded me of an English friend of mine in his early fifties who once told me that he'd never seen a dead body. I was like, "you're kidding me, what do you do at funerals?" He explained that coffins are hardly ever open in UK funerals - this man was lucky enough to have his two elderly parents still alive, which might explain things further.

Well like you say, his parents are alive, so he's probably had very little reason to attend funerals, let alone wakes.

I've only seen one body lying in state and that was my grandmother. Other grandparents, other funerals, I've never seen an open coffin.

I'm not sure it it's an "Irish" thing. A family friend of the in-laws died last year, so the husband held an open house wake, with a coffin. Which everyone thought was a little odd.

Maybe open coffins are more of a rural or traditional thing?

swimming in a sea · 26-08-2014 11:54AM

I'm from the country and have been to about 3 funerals,(in my 30's) but I agree with another who said country people are obsessed by them, I've actually seen a guy get in his car to follow a hearse to the church to find out who it was that died.

Riskymove · 26-08-2014 12:12PM

Tarzana wrote: »

Which is nearly every funeral in Ireland. The only closed casket funeral I've been to was where the deceased had died in a road collision.

I suppose my point was that a "funeral" is technically the Church/burial/cremation etc

wakes and reposing are a different thing

Our reaction to dead bodies

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