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Best Retort you've ever heard (Retort, fierce posh I am)

  • 22-08-2014 09:01PM
    #1
    PFL
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 392 ✭✭


    What's the best retort to an asshole you ever heard. Mate of mine was telling this story some years ago about a neighbour beside him;

    An old Farmer was burning rubbish and leaves one day. His newly moved in German neighbour arrives into his yard ranting and raving about the effect the old farmers burning actions were having on the environment.

    Quick as a flash the old farmer retorted - "You weren't thinking of the environment too much when ye were burning the Jews"

    End of conversation with new neighbour scampering out the yard.....so what's the wittiest retort you've heard.


«13

Comments

  • #2
    AnonoBoy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,559 ✭✭✭✭AnonoBoy


    So's your face.


  • #3
    wazky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,516 ✭✭✭wazky


    Your biological female parent!


  • #4
    The Backwards Man
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,299 ✭✭✭✭The Backwards Man


    Local farmer when his ram didn't win first prize at the show

    'What do you mean, his legs are too short. Sure don't they reach the ground?!'


  • #5
    Buona Fortuna
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,507 ✭✭✭Buona Fortuna


    wazky wrote: »
    Your biological female parent!

    nearly :)

    Saw this on here:
    Never play chess with a pigeon, cos no matter how the game is going, the pigeon will sh1t on the board and strut around like they won anyway.


  • #6
    KeithM89
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,557 ✭✭✭KeithM89


    'If I wanted my own come-back, i'd wipe it off your mothers chin'


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  • #7
    Timmyctc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,825 ✭✭✭Timmyctc


    The Cunning Linguist wrote: »
    Garda to a boy racer he's just nabbed for speeding: "I've been waiting here all day to catch you."

    Boy racer: "Well I got here as quick as I could."

    I thought it had to be real. Not just one made up off the top of your head.


  • #8
    UCDVet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,894 ✭✭✭UCDVet


    PFL wrote: »
    What's the best retort to an asshole you ever heard. Mate of mine was telling this story some years ago about a neighbour beside him;

    An old Farmer was burning rubbish and leaves one day. His newly moved in German neighbour arrives into his yard ranting and raving about the effect the old farmers burning actions were having on the environment.

    Quick as a flash the old farmer retorted - "You weren't thinking of the environment too much when ye were burning the Jews"

    End of conversation with new neighbour scampering out the yard.....so what's the wittiest retort you've heard.

    Believe it or not, moral implications aside, burning 11 million people is GREAT for the environment. People are horrible for the environment, they would have spent their entire lives polluting and consuming resources (just like we're all doing now). Those 11 million would have children who would have more children by now, and, yes, as horrible as it sounds, it was better for the environment than not killing them.

    The best people can do is try to limit their environmental impact, but our ceasing to exist would be the best thing for the planet.


  • #9
    Timmyctc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,825 ✭✭✭Timmyctc


    UCDVet wrote: »
    Believe it or not, moral implications aside, burning 11 million people is GREAT for the environment. People are horrible for the environment, they would have spent their entire lives polluting and consuming resources (just like we're all doing now). Those 11 million would have children who would have more children by now, and, yes, as horrible as it sounds, it was better for the environment than not killing them.

    The best people can do is try to limit their environmental impact, but our ceasing to exist would be the best thing for the planet.

    So if I've interpreted this post correctly (And I believe I have) What you're saying is Hitler was a radical environmentalist and no more?


  • #10
    Day Lewin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,001 ✭✭✭Day Lewin


    Well there's a conversation-killer if ever I heard one.


  • #11
    Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,009 ✭✭✭Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo


    PFL wrote: »
    What's the best retort to an asshole you ever heard. Mate of mine was telling this story some years ago about a neighbour beside him;

    An old Farmer was burning rubbish and leaves one day. His newly moved in German neighbour arrives into his yard ranting and raving about the effect the old farmers burning actions were having on the environment.

    Quick as a flash the old farmer retorted - "You weren't thinking of the environment too much when ye were burning the Jews"

    End of conversation with new neighbour scampering out the yard.....so what's the wittiest retort you've heard.

    This happened your mate right? :)

    Burn the rubbish!


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  • #12
    bop1977
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,076 ✭✭✭bop1977


    On a boards night out the conversation between me and a very strange boards bird went a little something like this:
    Bird : I bet my house is bigger than yours.
    Me : which one of my houses are you talking about?


  • #13
    Nib
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,088 ✭✭✭Nib


    A mate of mine who's always coming out with great one-liners was sizing up this bird on a night out recently, I commented that she was a bit of a munter. He replied "you don't be looking at the mantle piece when you're poking the fire".


  • #14
    Timmyctc
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,825 ✭✭✭Timmyctc


    Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo wrote: »
    This happened your mate right? :)

    Burn the rubbish!

    I doubt it was any truer when the poster in your link posted it. One of them "Wouldn't it be funny if this happened" scenarios. People just get carried away and ... shockingly enough .. some people lie on the internet :eek:


  • #15
    Chance The Fapper
    Closed Accounts Posts: 628 ✭✭✭Chance The Fapper


    One of the lads in school, who'd be fairly nerdy, said something which I can't remember.

    Queue another lad coming in and saying "That's the gayest thing I've ever heard you say"

    Then Niall turns around: "You know what the gayest thing I've ever heard you say is? Awh, I'm cumming James"


  • #16
    Banjo String
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,380 ✭✭✭✭Banjo String


    Coming out of mass one Sunday morning,

    Local auld wan (80 odd) to a notorious grumpy old Bastard that used to drink in the my local.

    "ah Joe your waves are saying good bye to you" (in reference to his balding head)

    Joe (late 60s/early 70s)" WTF are you talking about you nosey auld bitch, sure you've hardly a hair on your own head either."

    (she had auld woman falling out hair)

    I almost wet myself.


  • #17
    Antar Bolaeisk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,091 ✭✭✭Antar Bolaeisk


    Timmyctc wrote: »
    So if I've interpreted this post correctly (And I believe I have) What you're saying is Hitler was a radical environmentalist and no more?

    He was a wannabe Genghis Khan.


  • #18
    PFL
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 392 ✭✭PFL


    Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo wrote: »
    This happened your mate right? :)

    Burn the rubbish!

    Retort coming in 3-2-1......


  • #19
    Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,009 ✭✭✭Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo


    Timmyctc wrote: »
    I doubt it was any truer when the poster in your link posted it. One of them "Wouldn't it be funny if this happened" scenarios. People just get carried away and ... shockingly enough .. some people lie on the internet :eek:

    People lie on the internet the internet...? :confused:

    :eek:

    :(:(:(:(



  • #20
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    UCDVet wrote: »
    Believe it or not, moral implications aside, burning 11 million people is GREAT for the environment. People are horrible for the environment, they would have spent their entire lives polluting and consuming resources (just like we're all doing now). Those 11 million would have children who would have more children by now, and, yes, as horrible as it sounds, it was better for the environment than not killing them.

    The best people can do is try to limit their environmental impact, but our ceasing to exist would be the best thing for the planet.

    Are you available for weddings and more importantly, bar mitzvahs?


  • #21
    Emmacash
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 52 ✭✭Emmacash


    There was some little cross-eyed 'scraped off the bottom of Satan's foot' chung one sitting down the back of a 77a bus I was on once.
    She was trying to impress the rest of her scumbag buddies by making everyone else's bus journey hell.
    She honed in on a nerdy, quiet looking fella and started ripping it out of him. He tried ignoring her but she wasn't impressed and grabbed him and shouted
    ''HERE! I'm talking to you!!''
    Que nerd quietly-
    ''Oh were you? It's hard to tell. Y'know. Because of your..'' and waved his fingers in front of his eyes.
    Her friends all broke their ****e laughin.
    I love it when the under dog gets one up :)


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  • #22
    gugleguy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,959 ✭✭✭gugleguy


    My quadcopter cost one sixth of what Yours cost. I bought mine after Yours. I can fly mine for the whole duration of the battery power without crashing. You haven't landed your more expensive quadcopter even properly once:)


  • #23
    myshirt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,245 ✭✭✭myshirt


    One of my friends swallowed his pocket money years ago (50 pence or something).

    He didn't choke or anything.

    His mother was distressed, and said to a neighbour, as you did at the time, 'Margaret, what am I going to do'

    Without a worry in the world she said, 'Sher bring him up to Fr. Keane there, that b@stard is brilliant at getting money out of people'


  • #24
    myshirt
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,245 ✭✭✭myshirt


    Fat lady struggling to lose weight, really down on herself says 'I just know there's a skinny person inside me dying to get out'

    *long enough pause*

    'Just the one is it love?', replies the husband.


  • #25
    corner of hells
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,439 ✭✭✭corner of hells


    Emmacash wrote: »
    There was some little cross-eyed 'scraped off the bottom of Satan's foot' chung one sitting down the back of a 77a bus I was on once.
    She was trying to impress the rest of her scumbag buddies by making everyone else's bus journey hell.
    She honed in on a nerdy, quiet looking fella and started ripping it out of him. He tried ignoring her but she wasn't impressed and grabbed him and shouted
    ''HERE! I'm talking to you!!''
    Que nerd quietly-
    ''Oh were you? It's hard to tell. Y'know. Because of your..'' and waved his fingers in front of his eyes.
    Her friends all broke their ****e laughin.
    I love it when the under dog gets one up :)

    Who's doing the translations tonight ?


  • #26
    FTA69
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,252 ✭✭✭FTA69


    I heard a beaut eight years ago in Crouch End in London. Man walks up to the bar looking p*ssed off, an upset woman almost in tears follows him up and says:

    "Look, I can explain everything..."

    "Oh right, what the f*ck are you, a philosopher?"


  • #27
    Shiraz 4.99
    Site Banned Posts: 824 ✭✭✭Shiraz 4.99


    Shooter McGavin: "I eat sh1t like you for breakfast"

    Happy Gilmore: "You eat sh1t for breakfast ???"


  • #28
    Drakares
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 904 ✭✭✭Drakares


    PFL wrote: »
    What's the best retort to an asshole you ever heard. Mate of mine was telling this story some years ago about a neighbour beside him;

    An old Farmer was burning rubbish and leaves one day. His newly moved in German neighbour arrives into his yard ranting and raving about the effect the old farmers burning actions were having on the environment.

    Quick as a flash the old farmer retorted - "You weren't thinking of the environment too much when ye were burning the Jews"

    End of conversation with new neighbour scampering out the yard.....so what's the wittiest retort you've heard.
    This isn't even remotely witty and has been done to death..


  • #29
    Royce McCutcheon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 95 ✭✭Royce McCutcheon


    Local cross eyed scrote walking through packed pub knocking into people and such, he walks into one of the barmen out picking up glasses:
    Scrote:Why dont you look where your going?
    Barman:Why dont you go where your looking?


  • #30
    The Th!ng
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 464 ✭✭The Th!ng


    One day at work I got into an argument with a member of the public, this went on for a few minutes until he asked me did my employer allways employ assholes? Why, I replied, are you looking for a job? The guys with him burst into laughter whcih didn't help things, either.


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  • #31
    Rjd2
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,335 ✭✭✭✭Rjd2


    UCDVet wrote: »
    Believe it or not, moral implications aside, burning 11 million people is GREAT for the environment. People are horrible for the environment, they would have spent their entire lives polluting and consuming resources (just like we're all doing now). Those 11 million would have children who would have more children by now, and, yes, as horrible as it sounds, it was better for the environment than not killing them.

    The best people can do is try to limit their environmental impact, but our ceasing to exist would be the best thing for the planet.

    Have you been watching Utopia?:P

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcx-nf3kH_M


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