Your funniest school stories

GerB40 · 19-08-2014 01:01PM

We had a substitute teacher before and the poor lad was clueless. Before he came into class we'd put the clock above the blackboard forward 25 minutes. When he came in we would all look stuck into our books for five minutes before someone would 'notice' the time and inform sir that class was over, and he always fell for it..
To think that a man that inept could be in charge of around 25 students is actually scary..

longshanks · 19-08-2014 01:01PM

Irish Halo wrote: »

I think the bit "class fatty" might be what they are taking offence to.

Ah c'mere, it's a while since I was in primary and back then it was unusual enough for a kid to be fat, and kids being kids the nicknames often reflected the fact.
It seems to be normal for kids to be chunky now, but to mention it a sin.
Anywho, life goes on.

takamichinoku · 19-08-2014 01:03PM

GerB40 wrote: »

We had a substitute teacher before and the poor lad was clueless. Before he came into class we'd put the clock above the blackboard forward 25 minutes. When he came in we would all look stuck into our books for five minutes before someone would 'notice' the time and inform sir that class was over, and he always fell for it..
To think that a man that inept could be in charge of around 25 students is actually scary..

He was getting 25 minutes off too, y'know

Manzoor14 · 19-08-2014 01:06PM

I've a few decent ones, a good few revolve around science classes/teachers for some reason!
One of our science labs was old enough, with timber desks and ceramic sinks built in. The teacher was filling the sink one day with water, it was almost full then it just completely dropped out of the table, smashed everywhere and water went everywhere!

Another science class we were chopping up sheep's heart or something. One guy was very sensitive to blood or something. Used to faint the odd time during science when we were talking about blood etc. Anyway, one of the other guys somehow managed to sneak a piece of sheep heart into his pants pocket. 5 mins later, while the teacher was reading from the book or something, someone asked him the time, so he reached into his pocket for his phone and came out with a lump of heart. He nearly had a fit. Jumped up, yelled something and ran down the back of class and sat facing out the window. The teacher continued on and never skipped a beat!

Same teacher I planted with a snowball one Winter. Was hundreds of students around, he didn't have a clue who done it, right on the side of the face!

Another teacher was a bit of a clown, used to come to school wearing no socks the odd day, drinking milk from a 2 litre carton as he got out of his car. Was manager of the school hurling team for a while so I knew him fairly well. Anyway, one Irish class I was sitting beside the window on the second floor of the building when I spotted him walking late to another classroom in another separate building opposite. I knocked on the window, got his attention and beckoned him upto our classroom. He turned around (just completely ignoring he'd another class on!) and a few minutes later arrived at the door, knocked and told my Irish teacher that I was looking for him. I flatly denied it and said i'd no idea what he was on about. The Irish teacher basically told him then he must have imagined it! He got fairly embarrassed and flustered and left. Never even acknowledged me ever again!

FloatingVoter · 19-08-2014 01:10PM

takamichinoku wrote: »

He was getting 25 minutes off too, y'know

The clock trick and the trainee teacher is always reliable. When we pulled the stunt, the trainee was frogmarched back into the class by the principal. He shouted at us for as long as he could keep a straight face. I'm sure he informed the trainee of where he could purchase a watch.

gillymuffins · 19-08-2014 01:21PM

I have two that stick out.

While in 5th year we were getting a sex and relationship talk from a woman who was fairly religious. She was banging on about how sex before marriage is a sin and that the only way that is 100% effective against pregnancy is abstinence. Cue one of the lads at the back of the class shouting, ''Sure that didn't work for the Virgin Mary did it?''

Another time I was in science just after lunch break and one of the lads didn't look well. The teacher was asking him was he alright only for him to fall over and proclaim that he was dying. Loads of other teachers rushed in, an ambulance was called and he was taken away on a stretcher.
Turns out while on lunch he was smoking a joint and pulled a greener in class. I don't think he'll ever live it down.

blue note · 19-08-2014 01:41PM

Lots of really funny school memories. The one I'm proudest of is a practical joke we played on our 6th class teacher. We got one of the other teachers to call her out to give her some message. When she came back we had left the door (to outside, not the corridor) and all 30 of us hid in the jacks. We were perfectly quiet and heard her come back. The poor woman was in shock and so relieved (and impressed I suppose) that we didn't get any punishment. I met her in the local a few months back and she said that the practical joke is still being told nearly two decades later!

The other that springs to mind was a geography teacher we had for the leaving. We used to leave page 3 of the sun open for him every day on his desk. He'd ignore it and teach the class as normal, but we all knew it was there. Then one day the principal came into the class for some announcement. He saw it, we knew he saw it, he must have thought the teacher was just looking at nudey pictures of women while telling us about glacial erosion. I still feel sorry for that poor teacher.

smash · 19-08-2014 02:03PM

gillymuffins wrote: »

Another time I was in science just after lunch break and one of the lads didn't look well.

I loved science class, you reminded me of another one... The woman that supervised the study hall was a bitch, if she caught you passing notes she'd take them and read them out loud so one day while dissecting rats in biology we cut off all the feet and wrapped them up in folded paper, got to the study hall and asked the lad at the back to pass the note to the front. Christ she screamed when she confiscated it and opened it up to read it out loud.

DazMarz · 19-08-2014 02:16PM

Putting black-cat bangers into plastic tubes of paint and lobbing them out windows. So pretty when they exploded.

Those rubber stopper things with the holes in them from science classes were lethal. Absolutely lethal. Hopping them off a wall or the floor... you had no idea what trajectory they would take. Many's a time it'd ricochet off the wall and come straight back at you and hit you right in the puss.

Phones that could record voices were relatively new back when we were in school, so we abused them like mad. We'd record us calling out the teacher's name and hide them in a locker. Setting the recording as the ringtone and then calling the phone. Used to drive the teachers up the wall. Great laugh was had.

Ninjini · 19-08-2014 02:46PM

I have no stories, my school wasn't cool

FloatingVoter · 19-08-2014 02:57PM

Ninjini wrote: »

I have no stories, my school wasn't cool

Were you the girl that burned people alive ? When the debs was looking grim.
True, past is best left behind us.

kevc2 · 19-08-2014 03:05PM

I've got lots of stories, one that sticks out is the day the local radio station came to our school. They came with a van packed with pot noodles. A woman started handing out pot noodles to the students. One of the students hopped into the back of the van and started handing out crates of pot noodles out to all the lads. Apparently the station was meant to head to all the other schools but they were all handed out. During break time and the first class after was a giant food fight of pot noodles. A few of the lads were feeding them to the horses, I don't think any pot noodles were eaten that day.

Aongus Von Bismarck · 19-08-2014 04:13PM

My school was your typical rural, waiting-room-for-a-crap-apprenticeship, mouldfarm so it wasn't a lot of fun but I do remember one day in particular where I had some laughs.

There was one burgeoning superstar on the Gaelic team who fancied himself as the Padraic Joyce of our school. Rumours were abound that he would be in consideration for the county minor squad in a few years. He tended to throw his weight around a lot. I was very sporty and popular myself, though they were niche-for-our-school sports like canoeing, golf, cycling and track running (county level), so he obviously never tried to hassle me but the grief he gave some of the nerdier, fatter kids was pretty shocking: book thievery, nipple twisting, sandwich grabbing and stomping. The works. Obviously, I had to step in.

It was the day of some massive game for the school Gaelic team. Some final or semi-final or other. A huge deal, everyone from each year was attending and most of the parents were there too. Even some members of the local press. Perfect timing. I spotted him leaving his kitbag in the changing room some time before the game. Making sure the coast was clear, I slashed his socks, jersey, shorts, gloves with a razor blade and even cut open the bottom of his bag so that it would all fall out when he tried to pick it up. For good measure, I also grabbed his boots and threw them into some bushes outside. Waiting for the match to start, a hubbub arose when everyone began to notice that it was already fifteen minutes passed the scheduled time to start. The match went ahead sans-Superstar and a throng gathered around the changing room to see what happened to him.

Imagine my glee when I saw him sobbing in utter frustration as his mother cradled him, his father just looking on with utter disgust through his cigarette at his weeping son. The school didn't have any more gear or boots in his size for his 6'4”, size 11 foot frame and they had to play on without him. Apparently he never played again, even after I pretended to discover his boots and asked in a concerned manner if they were his. I saw him a few years ago when I caught up with a load of lads from school around Christmas. The years had not been kind: he had a decent job as a primary school teacher but he weighed at least 110kgs and he was quite the sloppy drunk. The larger they come, as they say. Normally I'm not so vindictive but was some nasty piece of work to the dweebs in school, somebody had to step in. My only regret is that he never found out it was me. I'll have to remind him when I see him next. In the meantime, I hope you're reading this, Stephen.

Davidth88 · 19-08-2014 04:24PM

Got hauled in front of the Deputy Head ...... he started yelling and telling us off . Then he pulls out his cigarettes ( this was in the 70's ) , pulls one out and lights it , we were trying not to laugh because he had the wrong end of the cigarette in his mouth and lit the filter.

He soon realised , called us all the names under the sun , started to laugh and sent us on our way with no punishment !

Still brings a smile to my face when I think about it.

blue note · 19-08-2014 04:25PM

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

My school was your typical rural, waiting-room-for-a-crap-apprenticeship, mouldfarm so it wasn't a lot of fun but I do remember one day in particular where I had some laughs.

There was one burgeoning superstar on the Gaelic team who fancied himself as the Padraic Joyce of our school. Rumours were abound that he would be in consideration for the county minor squad in a few years. He tended to throw his weight around a lot. I was very sporty and popular myself, though they were niche-for-our-school sports like canoeing, golf, cycling and track running (county level), so he obviously never tried to hassle me but the grief he gave some of the nerdier, fatter kids was pretty shocking: book thievery, nipple twisting, sandwich grabbing and stomping. The works. Obviously, I had to step in.

It was the day of some massive game for the school Gaelic team. Some final or semi-final or other. A huge deal, everyone from each year was attending and most of the parents were there too. Even some members of the local press. Perfect timing. I spotted him leaving his kitbag in the changing room some time before the game. Making sure the coast was clear, I slashed his socks, jersey, shorts, gloves with a razor blade and even cut open the bottom of his bag so that it would all fall out when he tried to pick it up. For good measure, I also grabbed his boots and threw them into some bushes outside. Waiting for the match to start, a hubbub arose when everyone began to notice that it was already fifteen minutes passed the scheduled time to start. The match went ahead sans-Superstar and a throng gathered around the changing room to see what happened to him.

Imagine my glee when I saw him sobbing in utter frustration as his mother cradled him, his father just looking on with utter disgust through his cigarette at his weeping son. The school didn't have any more gear or boots in his size for his 6'4”, size 11 foot frame and they had to play on without him. Apparently he never played again, even after I pretended to discover his boots and asked in a concerned manner if they were his. I saw him a few years ago when I caught up with a load of lads from school around Christmas. The years had not been kind: he had a decent job as a primary school teacher but he weighed at least 110kgs and he was quite the sloppy drunk. The larger they come, as they say. Normally I'm not so vindictive but was some nasty piece of work to the dweebs in school, somebody had to step in. My only regret is that he never found out it was me. I'll have to remind him when I see him next. In the meantime, I hope you're reading this, Stephen.

The guy in that story sounds like a nasty piece of work in fairness.

eisenberg1 · 19-08-2014 04:28PM

blue note wrote: »

The guy in that story sounds like a nasty piece of work in fairness.

Which one?

blue note · 19-08-2014 04:30PM

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Which one?

The ultra arrogant one taking delight in Stephens misery.

nelly17 · 19-08-2014 04:36PM

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

My school was your typical rural, waiting-room-for-a-crap-apprenticeship, mouldfarm so it wasn't a lot of fun but I do remember one day in particular where I had some laughs.

There was one burgeoning superstar on the Gaelic team who fancied himself as the Padraic Joyce of our school. Rumours were abound that he would be in consideration for the county minor squad in a few years. He tended to throw his weight around a lot. I was very sporty and popular myself, though they were niche-for-our-school sports like canoeing, golf, cycling and track running (county level), so he obviously never tried to hassle me but the grief he gave some of the nerdier, fatter kids was pretty shocking: book thievery, nipple twisting, sandwich grabbing and stomping. The works. Obviously, I had to step in.

It was the day of some massive game for the school Gaelic team. Some final or semi-final or other. A huge deal, everyone from each year was attending and most of the parents were there too. Even some members of the local press. Perfect timing. I spotted him leaving his kitbag in the changing room some time before the game. Making sure the coast was clear, I slashed his socks, jersey, shorts, gloves with a razor blade and even cut open the bottom of his bag so that it would all fall out when he tried to pick it up. For good measure, I also grabbed his boots and threw them into some bushes outside. Waiting for the match to start, a hubbub arose when everyone began to notice that it was already fifteen minutes passed the scheduled time to start. The match went ahead sans-Superstar and a throng gathered around the changing room to see what happened to him.

Imagine my glee when I saw him sobbing in utter frustration as his mother cradled him, his father just looking on with utter disgust through his cigarette at his weeping son. The school didn't have any more gear or boots in his size for his 6'4”, size 11 foot frame and they had to play on without him. Apparently he never played again, even after I pretended to discover his boots and asked in a concerned manner if they were his. I saw him a few years ago when I caught up with a load of lads from school around Christmas. The years had not been kind: he had a decent job as a primary school teacher but he weighed at least 110kgs and he was quite the sloppy drunk. The larger they come, as they say. Normally I'm not so vindictive but was some nasty piece of work to the dweebs in school, somebody had to step in. My only regret is that he never found out it was me. I'll have to remind him when I see him next. In the meantime, I hope you're reading this, Stephen.

Wan**r

eisenberg1 · 19-08-2014 04:40PM

blue note wrote: »

The guy in that story sounds like a nasty piece of work in fairness.

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Which one?

blue note wrote: »

The ultra arrogant one taking delight in Stephens misery.

And at 6ft 4in, 110 kilos is hardly gone to pot, is it?

Luke92 · 19-08-2014 04:41PM

We used to sneak a bag off someone in class, pass it around to someone on the other side of the room and then they would turn it inside out.

One lad (one of the ADHD type) went out so his bag was turned inside out. He comes back, sees the bag and doesn't realise its his. He then picks the bag up saying haha look at this and proceeds to throw the bag out the window. He didn't even realise until the class finished.

Another time a friend of mine decided to get pigs feet out of the butcher and proceed to shake hands with teachers with the pigs feet.

One teacher always had a bottle of water on his desk. One lad decided to buy a fish in the pet shop and put it in the bottle! Queue teacher drinking from the bottle and everyone having a great laugh!

Another one was when the doors opened into the classroom. We would line all our desks up from the door to the wall so you couldn't open the door!

Another time the teacher went out so we decided it would be a good idea to make a huge pyramid of desks. He wasn't too pleased about that one!

There's actually loads more that I will soon think of. The joys of being in a south inner city school

wazky · 19-08-2014 04:43PM

eisenberg1 wrote: »

And at 6ft 4in, 110 kilos is hardly gone to pot, is it?

It is when you come up with stories In your head and forget to make sure the small details work together.

Boom_Bap · 19-08-2014 04:50PM

Another classic from my school days. We had a teacher from Donegal and his first name started with the letters Ma
Of course, we would say his name and stretch out the first 2 letters, this turned into MMMMmmmmmmaaaaaa (sheep noise), and we would sit in class bleeting quietly with the teacher freaking out trying to find the culprit.

One particular Monday after Dublin had beaten Donegal in some GAA game, one of the lads came in wearing his Dublin gear and hid in a cupboard at the back of the room. He was roaring MMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAA, classroom errupting, but the teacher couldn't for the life of him figure out where the noise was coming from.
Eventually, the lad in the cupboard got way too excited, leaps out of it and roars Ma....(teachers name) is a f*cking sheep sh*gger.

It didn't end well for him.

Aongus Von Bismarck · 19-08-2014 04:50PM

eisenberg1 wrote: »

And at 6ft 4in, 110 kilos is hardly gone to pot, is it?

He is overweight. The belly hanging out over a load-bearing belt. On the cusp of being obese. So yes, he has gone to pot. The man is in his early thirties.

Buona Fortuna · 19-08-2014 04:52PM

Tufty Clarke (y'a bastard) used to take us all sailing in the school minibus. This was big old green Ford minibus. We used to take it in turns to twist around the windscreen washer jets so that they pointed forward.

There were 3 seats in the front. Tufty driving (obviously) and 2 boys on the bench seat. Now the windscreen washer was operated by a small foot pedal beside the clutch. So that whoever was sitting in the middle could stretch his leg over (avoiding Tufty's gear changes) and operate the washers.

We used to wait until we were stuck in traffic and then squirt someone walking alongside. Whoever we got, after the initial shock, would row with Tufty - who had no idea what had occurred.

Sorry bit long winded but it amused us in the days before internet and easily available porn.

eisenberg1 · 19-08-2014 05:02PM

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

He is overweight. The belly hanging out over a load-bearing belt. On the cusp of being obese. So yes, he has gone to pot. The man is in his early thirties.

Ok, I will give you that, but the rest of the story is bullsh1t.

dgt · 19-08-2014 05:27PM

I have far too many.....

One time, I got my hands on a leaving cert Irish tape, and re recorded porn tracks and various cheesey songs over the questions and answers. However, this tape wasn't discovered for a while. Cue the very bemused teacher anxiously fast forewarding and rewinding the tape infront of a class pissing themselves laughing

I got horrible sludge and poured it in a toilet cistern. Eventually, one first year went in and when flushed I've never seen someone running away from a toilet so terrified. Was like a scene from ghostbusters, this nasty black ooze bubbling and sliming down the side of the bowl

I modified party poppers which had their streamers replaced with mayonaise/ketchup/tartare sauce etc. As a group of 2nd years found out the hard way when playing with them

One morning, I took all the chairs and tables from 9 rooms and stacked them into a pyramid in the very room I was in first thing. Only took 20 odd minutes to do and considering I'd be in before 8 well what better way to prepare for a dull class.....

Gluing pencils/chairs to tables and bottles to floors caught out many

As did maths books with the wrong books answers stitched in carefully

But the alterations to the illustrations in the Latin books....

19-08-2014 05:37PM

We had a weird woodwork teacher. He used to wear his white lab coat around school all day long. One day he took it off for a meeting before class and hung it on a chair. One of the girls replaced the pieces of chalk in his coat with a bunch of tampons.

When he put the coat back on he actually took out a tampon from the pocket and tried writing on the blackboard before realising what he was doing! Of course us 13 year old girls thought it was the funniest thing that happened in the history of ever :rolleyes:

eisenberg1 · 20-08-2014 12:43PM

In the school I attended at 14-15, there were no break areas a such, so between classes, student just kind of hung about in a corridor, which usually had two teachers on patrol. One time, we had a teacher at one end, newish guy, very short, maybe 5" 3" and the teacher at the other end was a big burly rugby player.

Like on most days, a fight breaks out, a all students gather round to watch, and the little teacher works his way into the circle to break it, all nice like. In the meantime, the big teacher comes milling down the corridor, scattering all and sundry like skittles, picking guys up and flinging them to one side, until he grabs one "student" by the scruff of the neck and throwing about five feet across the corridor, slamming him against a door.......turns out it was little "Mr Smith".

Aglomerado · 20-08-2014 12:50PM

Not my story, but one from a friend's school days in Cork;

They had an eccentric music teacher. His room was near the school hall where the principal used to hold assemblies.

One morning, during assembly, the music teacher played "Deutschland Uber Alles" on the piano while the principal was speaking.

My school didn't hold assemblies. The one time the lot of us were in the hall together was when Gay Byrne sent Joe Duffy to our school for some obscure music competition and we were there to make up the numbers so lots of applause would be heard on the radio. There was an assistant instructing us when to clap...

893bet · 20-08-2014 02:02PM

Vaseline on the door knob.

Simple ones are the best.

Your funniest school stories

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