discovered a family secret. should i tell?

Synyster Shadow · 11-08-2014 11:08AM

My take on it all is its her secret and no good can come from telling anyone.. Plus I was raised to respect my elders and because of this my granny has often told me secrets some I was in complete shock and can see why she chooses who knows.. I like my time with my granny I'd never ruin it by breaking that trust..

Let sleeping dogs lie........... It can't be undone if you tell

boobar · 11-08-2014 11:12AM

Just carry on as if you never found it.

This secret belongs to your Gran, leave it be.

jimgoose · 11-08-2014 11:13AM

the_syco wrote: »

Deeply religious people can be right c**ts, so best not. As she is

I'd fear the c**ts would abandon her. Probably best off waiting until she has past away, and then "come across" this info whilst you're researching your family tree.

This. Don't go stirring up a big pot of shít right now. The poor thing is under enough pressure.

Pablodreamsofnew · 11-08-2014 01:04PM

You sound a little too involved. Back away from google, understand it isn't your secret and let your poor granny be. I don't think your relatives will thank you for being a this involved.

Yes it is very weird to celebrate a wedding anniversary if the other spouse is dead!! I'm smelling untruths. You just got nosy didn't you?! Bet there are no parties.

I wonder how you'd feel if someone did a google search on you and then started bringing up your past. It's not your place.

To bring up this history with your grandmother and she has dementia and about her 'losing' a child and the fact that she was POSSIBLY unmarried with her first child. It's torture. Do not put a person through this.

Maybe you need to get some hobbies so you don't have as much time to be poking into other peoples personal lives?

I found that if people have secrets and they want to tell you they will. If they don't then that's okay too.

Why do you assume your uncles don't know? Maybe they just have some respect.

WILL NEVER LOG OFF · 11-08-2014 01:25PM

MrsYelnekoff wrote: »

You sound a little too involved. Back away from google, understand it isn't your secret and let your poor granny be. I don't think your relatives will thank you for being a this involved.

Yes it is very weird to celebrate a wedding anniversary if the other spouse is dead!! I'm smelling untruths. You just got nosy didn't you?! Bet there are no parties.

Of course we weren't planning an anniversary party. We just wanted to mark it by going to my grandad's graveside, going out for dinner, or have a mass celebrated in the house. This wasnt even my idea, I just tried to help find out the date. I don't see why you're determined to find malicious motives.

MrsYelnekoff wrote: »

To bring up this history with your grandmother and she has dementia and about her 'losing' a child and the fact that she was POSSIBLY unmarried with her first child. It's torture. Do not put a person through this.

As i keep saying, I want to make sure my granny doesn't know we know. Im not planning telling her, just my mum and some of her siblings who still have regular contact with their mother.

MrsYelnekoff wrote: »

Why do you assume your uncles don't know? Maybe they just have some respect.

i already explained

VinLieger · 11-08-2014 01:30PM

I absolutely hate this attitude of leaving secrets like these alone. This is part of your family history and you have a right to know no matter how stuck in the past your grandmother is regarding not wanting to reveal things she has decided might be embarrassing. The turth is these are facts and they should never be brushed under the carpet or tried to be forgotten. That generational attitude is exactly how hundreds of women ended up being illegally held prisoner in madelene laundries and thousands of children ended up being buried in unmarked graves around this country.

takamichinoku · 11-08-2014 01:34PM

MrsYelnekoff wrote: »

Yes it is very weird to celebrate a wedding anniversary if the other spouse is dead!! I'm smelling untruths. You just got nosy didn't you?! Bet there are no parties.

Doing one abruptly years after the fact is pretty weird but I guess if one thing's going to get a family looking back to their parents past from before they were around, it's gotta be dementia?

It is weird enough that none of the children thought of looking it up themselves until now too, surely that'd be a pretty normal level of curiosity?
As an aside, the notion that you're not supposed to check up pretty huge chunks of your parents past just because they won't tell you about it is bull**** imo. Nosiness about your parents past isn't inherently bad, you're well within your rights to find out about external aspects of your own backstory, but neither is being secretive about your past to your children (one obviously bothers me more than the other though).

hoodwinked · 11-08-2014 01:35PM

VinLieger wrote: »

I absolutely hate this attitude of leaving secrets like these alone. This is part of your family history and you have a right to know no matter how stuck in the past your grandmother is regarding not wanting to reveal things she has decided might be embarrassing. The turth is these are facts and they should never be brushed under the carpet or tried to be forgotten. That generational attitude is exactly how hundreds of women ended up being illegally held prisoner in madelene laundries and thousands of children ended up being buried in unmarked graves around this country.

it's not about leaving them alone, but more about respecting the wishes of the person who's secret it is,

i recently discovered two different but very huge secrets members of my in-laws have been hiding from the rest of their families, and it is in no way my descion to tell anyone about them, not even my husband,

i figure if they wanted him to know they'd tell him themselves or it's up to him and other members of his family to figure it out like i did.

pablo128 · 11-08-2014 01:49PM

takamichinoku wrote: »

Doing one abruptly years after the fact is pretty weird but I guess if one thing's going to get a family looking back to their parents past from before they were around, it's gotta be dementia?

It is weird enough that none of the children thought of looking it up themselves until now too, surely that'd be a pretty normal level of curiosity?
As an aside, the notion that you're not supposed to check up pretty huge chunks of your parents past just because they won't tell you about it is bull**** imo. Nosiness about your parents past isn't inherently bad, you're well within your rights to find out about external aspects of your own backstory, but neither is being secretive about your past to your children (one obviously bothers me more than the other though).

There are things I don't want my own child to know about me from my past. Things that I am embarrassed about. I would be furious if a relative came along in a few years and started telling the whole family(most of whom know anyway) about it, leading to my daughter finding out.

WILL NEVER LOG OFF · 11-08-2014 01:58PM

takamichinoku wrote: »

It is weird enough that none of the children thought of looking it up themselves until now too, surely that'd be a pretty normal level of curiosity?

I think the fact the records are in the UK and none of my uncles are internet savvy is the reason. Then again, they probably weren't bothered because they'd never suspect this from their mother (I think).

We've only started talking about my Grandad and their life in England more as my granny has weakened and has been more anxious in herself. also the fact that the end is coming. Marking the 60th anniversary was supposed to bring her back to happier times. Needless to say that's not going to happen now.

WILL NEVER LOG OFF · 11-08-2014 02:03PM

pablo128 wrote: »

There are things I don't want my own child to know about me from my past. Things that I am embarrassed about. I would be furious if a relative came along in a few years and started telling the whole family(most of whom know anyway) about it, leading to my daughter finding out.

but if you didn't know she knew? it's a difficult one

i suppose it depends on the circumstances, but think of the relationship between your daughter and her adult child, if the latter kept a family secret that mattered to your daughter.

my first concern here is my mother.

CaraMay · 11-08-2014 02:06PM

You've already decided to blab so I don't know why you are posting here.

VinLieger · 11-08-2014 02:10PM

hoodwinked wrote: »

it's not about leaving them alone, but more about respecting the wishes of the person who's secret it is,

i recently discovered two different but very huge secrets members of my in-laws have been hiding from the rest of their families, and it is in no way my descion to tell anyone about them, not even my husband,

i figure if they wanted him to know they'd tell him themselves or it's up to him and other members of his family to figure it out like i did.

Fair enough if they are personal secrets that would not affect the rest of the family but hidden siblings/relatives be they alive or dead is something I think the rest of a family has the right to know about

pablo128 · 11-08-2014 02:14PM

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

but if you didn't know she knew? it's a difficult one

i suppose it depends on the circumstances, but think of the relationship between your daughter and her adult child, if the latter kept a family secret that mattered to your daughter.

my first concern here is my mother.

It doesn't matter to my daughter. It wouldn't benefit her in any way finding the information out. It would change the way she thought about me.
As others have said, if it wasn't a big issue for your gran, she wouldn't have kept it a secret. And it's all very well just telling a few select people and expecting them to keep the secret when you couldn't even hold your tongue yourself. All it takes is for someone to have a bit of drink taken some night and start confronting people including your gran.

hoodwinked · 11-08-2014 02:16PM

VinLieger wrote: »

Fair enough if they are personal secrets that would not affect the rest of the family but hidden siblings/relatives be they alive or dead is something I think the rest of a family has the right to know about

all personal secrets will affect the rest of the family, and these are ones that would affect the rest of the family in a huge way, in the op's case she should not tell, simply because it's up to the person who owns the secret to tell it.

there is not a hope i would break confidence and tell what i figured out or what i was told it's simply not my secret to tell.

the op needs to respect the grandmothers wishes even if they disagree with them.

WILL NEVER LOG OFF · 11-08-2014 02:30PM

pablo128 wrote: »

It doesn't matter to my daughter. It wouldn't benefit her in any way finding the information out. It would change the way she thought about me.

Seeing the vulnerable side of a person who has seemed controlling and overly strict can put things in perspective. I don't know if your daughter would agree that it doesn't matter to her, perhaps that's for her to decide

if i do tell, i'll probably just say i found a secret that might embarrass my granny, and ask my mother if she still wants to know.

whatever about the marriage issue, do you think she deserves to know about the other issue, her deceased younger brother, who is presumably buried in England?

pablo128 · 11-08-2014 02:55PM

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

Seeing the vulnerable side of a person who has seemed controlling and overly strict can put things in perspective. I don't know if your daughter would agree that it doesn't matter to her, perhaps that's for her to decide

if i do tell, i'll probably just say i found a secret that might embarrass my granny, and ask my mother if she still wants to know.

whatever about the marriage issue, do you think she deserves to know about the other issue, her deceased younger brother, who is presumably buried in England?

My mother is in her 60's. She had 8 brothers, one now deceased, and has 6 sisters. Discussing it one day, she said they were the ones who survived childbirth. Seeing my surprise, she said it was common enough then to have stillborn children. Her mother was actually a twin, but the other twin died shortly after being born.

So imagine I didn't know this, and went investigating the family history. I then discover 3 or 4 births unaccounted for. I start asking questions, and end up dragging up memories and upsetting everyone. Who benefits?

WILL NEVER LOG OFF · 11-08-2014 03:09PM

pablo128 wrote: »

My mother is in her 60's. She had 8 brothers, one now deceased, and has 6 sisters. Discussing it one day, she said they were the ones who survived childbirth. Seeing my surprise, she said it was common enough then to have stillborn children.

well this child is in the birth records, not the stillbirth section. I don't know when he died as I didn't find a death certificate. Having said that, he's obviously dead, my granny was 3 years married by then.

I don't know that a sibling would find it painful to be asked if they knew they had a brother who died young. Isn't it worse not to tell them anything, by just assuming they know?

I myself feel like I'd like to know where my uncle's grave is, even if it's an unmarked infants' plot. I am sure a sibling would be even more keen. wouldnt you?

magicmushroom · 11-08-2014 03:38PM

Your post has kind of annoyed me, why would it even cross your mind to tell anyone?
It's not your secret, stay out of her business and have some respect.

josip · 11-08-2014 04:01PM

You don't have a secret because nobody told you; you discovered information that you can chose what to do with.
Don't mention it to your grandmother, especially with dementia, it will be nothing but upsetting.
If you trust your mother, then get her to promise not to tell anyone before your grandmother dies BEFORE you tell her.
If I was in your mother's position, I would appreciate finding it out before my mother died, but full of regret if I found out afterwards. I would perhaps have a chance to show some extra love if I'd wrongly jusged her in the past.
"Tarnishing your grandmother's memory" is not really a consideration, thinking of how your own mother would feel is more important.

"it's nearly time we had a little less respect for the dead, an' a little more regard for the living." - Juno and The Paycock

Neyite · 11-08-2014 04:17PM

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

well this child is in the birth records, not the stillbirth section. I don't know when he died as I didn't find a death certificate. Having said that, he's obviously dead, my granny was 3 years married by then.

I don't know that a sibling would find it painful to be asked if they knew they had a brother who died young. Isn't it worse not to tell them anything, by just assuming they know?

I myself feel like I'd like to know where my uncle's grave is, even if it's an unmarked infants' plot. I am sure a sibling would be even more keen. wouldnt you?

Or that baby might have been adopted if it was a mother and baby home and you found no death certificate.

On one hand, if your grandmother was of sound mind I would say you could ask her, but with dementia, it could prove very distressing and confusing for her if it gets back to her that the family know.

I'd personally let it lie , pretend your search came up empty and tell your mother what you know after your grandmother dies if you absolutely have to (discovering it anew so to speak)

feargale · 11-08-2014 04:18PM

magicmushroom wrote: »

Your post has kind of annoyed me, why would it even cross your mind to tell anyone?
It's not your secret, stay out of her business and have some respect.

Annoyed? Stop being so bloody judgemental and full of moral certitude.

Generic Dreadhead · 11-08-2014 05:30PM

OP, I'm gonna play the part of king brutally honest d***head.... BUT....

1) What good to you actually image coming from sharing this secret - absolute best case scenario?

2) Are you just itching to tell people from a COMPLETELY unselfish standpoint? Or are you excited to be the holder of secrets and eager to share your gossip.

I'm not trying to offend but if any good can come of it, and it's completely selfless... then i'd put more stock in the idea of sharing it, as opposed to just sharing other peoples secrets for secrets sake

dundalkfc10 · 11-08-2014 05:41PM

Make a video, undercover style cover your face, change voice etc....Invite all the family around for Christmas at yours.
Without anyone knowing put the DVD on, and pretend you know nothing about it

Everyone knows and nobody knows it was you

dundalkfc10 · 11-08-2014 05:41PM

Make a video, undercover style cover your face, change voice etc....Invite all the family around for Christmas at yours.
Without anyone knowing put the DVD on, and pretend you know nothing about it

Everyone knows and nobody knows it was you

discovered a family secret. should i tell?

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