discovered a family secret. should i tell?

WILL NEVER LOG OFF

I have a very religious grandmother, now in her 80s and suffering from early dementia.

I wanted to know when she married my late Grandad, because she never told us and seemed confused on dates. I looked up her details in the British Births, Deaths & Marriages records, because she had moved there in 1945, later met my late Grandad and had their children there, before the family returned home to Ireland in 1969.

It turns out my grandmother was unmarried when her first son was born in 1954. He was born in an area which was far from where she and her then partner (my Grandad) lived, which may indicate some sort of home for unwed mothers.

I also discovered that some years after marriage , my grandmother gave birth to a son whom I have never heard of. Presumably he died in infancy, as nobody ever mentioned this.

Here's my problem.

Do I tell my family the truth before my granny dies? Should I ever tell them?

She has obviously kept this a secret for good reason. I want to respect that. On the other hand it explains so much of her alienation from her deeply religious family. It also explains, in part, her apparent shame when my mother became pregnant before marriage. I think my family see her as a very difficult woman, but if they knew the truth of what she experienced they might see her differently .

Help!

the_syco

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

She has obviously kept this a secret for good reason. I want to respect that. On the other hand it explains so much of her alienation from her deeply religious family. It also explains, in part, her apparent shame when my mother became pregnant before marriage. I think my family see her as a very difficult woman, but if they knew the truth of what she experienced they might see her differently .

Help!

Deeply religious people can be right c**ts, so best not. As she is

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

suffering from early dementia.

I'd fear the c**ts would abandon her. Probably best off waiting until she has past away, and then "come across" this info whilst you're researching your family tree.

Deranged96

No No No No.
She's kept it a secret so long and it has obviously shaped her as a person.
If you tell before she dies you'll cause her distress and if you tell afterwards you'll be tarring her memory
No.No.No.No.
Imagine how you would feel if what you perceived as a big shameful secret was made common knowledge to your family?

AzureRaven

I understand your view but I would personally keep it to myself or wait until her passing. Some things are better left unsaid.

Starrseed

100% NO. If she wanted any of you to know I'm sure in her 80 odd years she would have told someone. Respect her wishes especially in her condition.

WILL NEVER LOG OFF

thanks for the advice.

the_syco wrote: »

I'd fear the c**ts would abandon her. Probably best off waiting until she has past away, and then "come across" this info whilst you're researching your family tree.

the religious family members who would think less of her are her surviving siblings. They stopped speaking to her years ago. i think this secret is the reason. my parents/ uncles/ aunts always blamed my granny for cutting herself off from her family.

but my own folks and aunts and uncles are not very religious. they could feel much more sympathetic toward her if they knew... I do see the reasons not to tell though. at this moment i have no plans to tell. just need to hear opinions outside my own head!

Banjo String

All I get from the OP is that their uncle is a Bastard.

JillyQ

Op dont say a word it is not your secret to tell.

FunLover18

The big secret being that your father/uncle is a bastard?

In this day and age is this really such a big deal?

You say you're grandmother is very religious hence she it secret but did she pass it on to her children?

Dapics

Quite odd how she's deeply religious given the context of the question tbh.

takamichinoku

Some of this stuff may have been known by a few of them and just never mentioned. Ireland was really weird.
My mam mentioned her mam had 3 stillborn babies and a baby that died very very young before she was born out of the blue a year or so ago, she apparently only found out all of this by stumbling across receipts for their death arrangements which were very carefully hidden away in their home.


How's the relationship between your mam and her mam? I kind of think your mam deserves to know the full story of why her mam was how she was if it has caused her trouble through life ...but the amount of **** that'd come from it being told before she passes could easily completely outweigh that.
Absolutely no need to respect her wishes in regards to something like this after she dies imo. The whole not telling before could land a lot of trouble on yourself in a variety of ways.


Are the lower generations of the family religious or were you referring to her generation and the one above?

Pwindedd

+1 on the not telling. It's not really your secret to tell. There's nothing shameful in it now, but I think you should respect her privacy. I would look on it as an insight into her early life and a private memory that only you know, you can honour her that way.

the_syco

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

They stopped speaking to her years ago. i think this secret is the reason.

Any chance one of them is the bastard uncle?

FloatingVoter

No. This is her secret. She didn't tell you herself. It isn't your secret to keep. The only lesson you'll learn from this is that "Who do You Think You Are" involves long dead people for a very good reason. When your own grandchildren come looking for interesting family history, feel free to tell the tale. By then, it will be history.

WILL NEVER LOG OFF

FunLover18 wrote: »

The big secret being that your father/uncle is a bastard?

In this day and age does it this really such a big deal?

not to me, my uncles or my aunts or my mother it isn't. but for her.

My first reaction was to shrug, before I thought the mental turmoil she must have gone through as a religious young woman away from her family believing (probably still believing) she committed a serious, mortal sin.

takamichinoku wrote: »

How's the relationship between your mam and her mam? I kind of think your mam deserves to know the full story of why her mam was how she was if it has caused her trouble through life ...but the amount of **** that'd come from it being told before she passes could easily completely outweigh that.

we're very close. I could be depriving her of a better relationship with her own mother.

my mother is still bitter about my granny's behaviour when my mother got pregnant before marriage. It must have brought back awful memories for my grandmother at the time, maybe she wasnt just being a religious fanatic.

takamichinoku wrote: »

Are the lower generations of the family religious or were you referring to her generation and the one above?

yes only my granny's siblings are religious. they speak to us a bit, but not her. i'm talking hardline catholicism.

Angry_Mammarys

Nope don't tell, nothing good would come of it, and as said above, it is not your secret to tell, Some things are really best off not said.

takamichinoku

Okay, just saw the second post, I don't see an issue at all with it being told a while after she passes at all, tbh. Just pretend you only found out about it then. It would just give context to why she was so difficult, could cause a bit of trouble but I do think your mam's family deserve to know what kind of things motivated how they were raised and so on.

In regards to telling before... it really depends on how strained their relationship is. I'd be thinking more about your mam than her mam, and what you feel benefits her most because, being very callous, your gran's on the way out and it sounds like they're not going to remember her very fondly regardless.


Is there another person you could talk to about it who knows your mam and her siblings and keep it quiet?




Edit: In a situation like this, if it seems like it could really help her children and their relationship, I'd basically immediately discuss it with my siblings because I know I could trust them to not let it go up the chain to the higher generations. In the event neither of them heard anything, I'd try and gauge my dad to see if he knew anything, then I'd move onto whoever from your mams family seems like they wouldn't view the events as a shameful thing that needs to be kept quiet (cos outside of revealing to your gran that it's known, it's not remotely shameful), like. and it reads like her children wouldn't think of it as shameful either so I can't see why they'd let their children think she's a nut with no valid reasoning behind it if they already do know of it.
I am a meddlesome ****er though, and I wouldn't do it before she died in most circumstances.

Lenin Skynard

Everyone who's older than you in the family surely already knows it but they don't talk about it. That should be answer enough for you.

Sir Arthur Daley

I wouldn't publicise it on Facebook, just do that blog thing.

pablo128

This is your curiousity getting the better of you. Your Gran is very old with dementia you say. Her last days would not improve a great deal if this news came out, and that's taking into account everyone involved realising they may have been wrong all these years and trying to make amends. Which is an unlikely scenario.
Deeply religious people will convince themselves they were right all these years. And for all you know, you are possibly one of the few people involved who is in the dark about it. Maybe they all know a hell of a lot more than they are letting on. You could be just opening old wounds.

Leave it.

Dowl88

Im ur father

Awkward Badger

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

I think my family see her as a very difficult woman, but if they knew the truth of what she experienced they might see her differently

You're the only one here who knows them so if you think this is likely then you should tell them. If you think its not likely and they will view here in a more negative way then don't.

WILL NEVER LOG OFF

takamichinoku wrote: »

In regards to telling before... it really depends on how strained their relationship is. I'd be thinking more about your mam than her mam, and what you feel benefits her most because, being very callous, your gran's on the way out and it sounds like they're not going to remember her very fondly regardless.

that's exactly it. Her dementia itself is a ticking clock. Their relationship is polite but tense. There's going to come a point in a year or more, where reconciliation is too late.

takamichinoku wrote: »

Is there another person you could talk to about it who knows your mam and her siblings and keep it quiet?

All my friends know my granny well; she lives adjacent to us. I suppose she's seen as a bit of a cranky, religious diehard. I'm afraid they'd think it funny.

pablo128 wrote: »

This is your curiousity getting the better of you. Your Gran is very old with dementia you say. Her last days would not improve a great deal if this news came out, and that's taking into account everyone involved realising they may have been wrong all these years and trying to make amends. Which is an unlikely scenario.
Deeply religious people will convince themselves they were right all these years. And for all you know, you are possibly one of the few people involved who is in the dark about it. Maybe they all know a hell of a lot more than they are letting on. You could be just opening old wounds.

I hadn't considered that. But I do think my mother doesn't know. She was trying to help me find my granny's wedding date when i started researching.

With so many family history records online today, I'm sure there must be loads of families in similar situations. All families have skeletons. This is one I wish I hadn't dug up.

FunLover18

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

not to me, my uncles or my aunts or my mother it isn't. but for her.

My first reaction was to shrug, before I thought the mental turmoil she must have gone through as a religious young woman away from her family believing (probably still believing) she committed a serious, mortal sin.

I'd hold onto it. Those who care already know and have shunned her and if it's not a big deal to your uncles and aunts then there's no point in telling them. You can't undo the turmoil she went through, so just ignore it. If it comes up after she's dead just act casual about it, no biggie

takamichinoku

WILL NEVER LOG OFF wrote: »

that's exactly it. Her dementia itself is a ticking clock. Their relationship is polite but tense. There's going to come a point in a year or more, where reconciliation is too late.

All my friends know my granny well; she lives adjacent to us. I suppose she's seen as a bit of a cranky, religious diehard. I'm afraid they'd think it funny.

I'd say reconcilliation is pretty unlikely at this stage, it'd be more about your mam being able to spend time with her mam while being able to be more accepting of her flaws, surely? They might be at a stage somewhat like that regardless.

WILL NEVER LOG OFF

takamichinoku wrote: »

I'd say reconcilliation is pretty unlikely at this stage, it'd be more about your mam being able to spend time with her mam while being able to be more accepting of her flaws, surely? They might be at a stage somewhat like that regardless.

yeah, my mum's got a big heart. she probably accepts my granny's character regardless of the reasons. But this isn't just for the benefit of my grandmother. I want my mother to feel less guilty about upsetting everyone with her first pregnancy, to know there is a back-story, if it helps.

Anyway maybe this can all wait after all.

Wish i hadnt started this thread before bed, i'll never sleep!

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Sir Arthur Daley

Will never log off has logged off

takamichinoku

It's almost all about what benefits your mother, imo, she's the one who'll (hopefully) be around for decades to come. Doubt it'd be any kind of magical solution though, certainly not going to get anything out of her mam by bringing it up to her, like, it'd have to be an internal kind of thing. Leaving it while she's alive definitely seems more likely to be the right answer, not knowing anything about the people involved.

conorh91

If she reacted very badly to your mother getting pregnant, doesn't that make her hypocritical? Are you sure your mother won't be very angry at her mother's apparent hypocrisy?

I don't understand how your grandmother giving birth to a baby out of wedlock should have made her more angry toward your mother. It makes her more of a hypocrite and, surely also, less Christian.

Don't tell. It doesn't paint your grandmother in a good light.

Ronin247

Tell it. It would be great craic to see the miserable old biddy explain that one after being horrible to your mother.

It is quite often the way with these uber religious types.... do as I say, not as I do