Stupid problem but really bugging me now!

IR1SH RANG3R · 30-07-2014 12:33AM #1

Hey all,

So I have what may be a stupid problem and I await the inevitable ridicule I'll get with this but it's really getting to me.

The problem is that I'm not attractive to women, or so I'm thinking lately. I was never one to have loads of confidence but I have been with a few lovely girls (when I say with I mean relationship as I'm a relationship kinda guy). I've been single the last 2 and bit years and haven't been with many people in that time (2-3 max I'd say). Thing is, I always struggled with confidence and it goes up and down. I look at myself in the mirror and think 'I can't see what's wrong' but lately I'm thinking there must be something.

Girls don't seem to have any interest in me anymore, be it on nights out or on sites like tinder, pof etc. I'm thinking I must be ugly/not have a good personality and it's getting me really down and affecting my life to the point I can't enjoy social events etc. anymore.

For example I was out with some family and friends on Saturday last and one of my younger cousins (about a year younger) was with me. We've been great friends for years but he's what girls would describe as handsome I suppose. Anyway, I noticed several girls staring at him all night and trying to chat him up while I'm invisible beside him apparently. I found myself resenting him and growing very jealous (childish I know).

Even this evening on facebook, I saw a girl I was chatting to for a long time who I was with before briefly and still really like obviously flirting with my cousin. I asked her out a couple of times a few months back and was politely let down and now she's chatting up my cousin? That's just getting to me and I wish it didn't.

Anyway sorry about the long post and I suppose I don't really have a question as I don't know how you can help but I wanted to vent

El Weirdo · 30-07-2014 12:36AM

I very much doubt that it's your looks, but more (as you say) your confidence.

Get that sorted and I guarantee you'll be a hit with the ladies.

Badly Drunk Boy · 30-07-2014 12:37AM

Don't try too hard. Desperation isn't attractive.

IR1SH RANG3R · 30-07-2014 12:39AM

Badly Drunk Boy wrote: »

Don't try too hard. Desperation isn't attractive.

I think this is becoming a problem lately alright, I jump in too fast and try to move things too quickly and that fecks things up causing another blow to the confidence.

goz83 · 30-07-2014 12:40AM

Try hypnosis. Find one who specialises in confidence and make sure it's a male hypnotist, as the females just won't have the same impact imo. A couple of sessions should have you feeling right again and not turning to boards for help. Look up the register online to find a local one.

How Soon Is Now · 30-07-2014 12:41AM

El Weirdo wrote: »

I very much doubt that it's your looks, but more (as you say) your confidence.

Get that sorted and I guarantee you'll be a hit with the ladies.

Was gonna post similar. It's amazing how different you feel when you feel good in yourself even a little bit.

People can see this as well. Looks ain't everything I know some guys who might not be what most would call "sexy" but there fairly confident and it shows by how others treat them. They always blend in and end up talking all kinds people.

Just do your best don't wreck your head over it and try thinking how and what can I do that could make me feel good about me.

IR1SH RANG3R · 30-07-2014 12:42AM

goz83 wrote: »

Try hypnosis. Find one who specialises in confidence and make sure it's a male hypnotist, as the females just won't have the same impact imo. A couple of sessions should have you feeling right again and not turning to boards for help. Look up the register online to find a local one.

I'll look into this, thanks. Just to put a bit of context on me, I'm only 23 so not like it's a major problem that I'm alone, I;m just lonely lately and find it hard to enjoy my own company. I have a good job working towards a great qualification so not like that side is dragging me down it's just this nagging problem.

IR1SH RANG3R · 30-07-2014 12:44AM

Can anyone recommend a good book or anything like that actually that can help with self confidence and just being happier in yourself?

How Soon Is Now · 30-07-2014 12:47AM

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Can anyone recommend a good book or anything like that actually that can help with self confidence and just being happier in yourself?

I dunno about books but you could always try spending more time with friends and family the people who know you best. Could be a good way to bring out best in yourself. Have you a mate or someone easygoing in your family could explain all this to?

El Weirdo · 30-07-2014 12:47AM

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Can anyone recommend a good book or anything like that actually that can help with self confidence and just being happier in yourself?

I'm sure there's plenty if you look online. Wouldn't really bother with books meself. Try what How Soon Is Now says above.

But if you're determined to go the book route, a word of advice; stay away from any of that PUA bollocks. Women like confidence, but don't like complete ****.

SouthTippBass · 30-07-2014 12:47AM

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Can anyone recommend a good book or anything like that actually that can help with self confidence and just being happier in yourself?

Troy McClures Get confidence stupid!

No seriously, do you have any talents? Any thing you're good at? Whats interesting about you?

The Backwards Man · 30-07-2014 12:48AM

Those self help snakeoil sellers are a load of balls.

If you're not happy in yourself no self help book or tape will make any difference.

Stick on some happy tunes and dance round the room, like you're a cross between Fred Astaire and John Travolta.

Works for me

The Th!ng · 30-07-2014 12:48AM

Shoot yourself in the testicles.

fussyonion · 30-07-2014 12:49AM

I'm not recommending any books. It got me in trouble the last time.

Macavity. · 30-07-2014 12:50AM

It's the luck of the draw I guess. If you are very attractive you will have more success in that area of life. Just be thankful you are not grotesquely ugly.

As other posters have mentioned though confidence is important so you should definitely try to work on that.

IR1SH RANG3R · 30-07-2014 12:51AM

How Soon Is Now wrote: »

I dunno about books but you could always try spending more time with friends and family the people who know you best. Could be a good way to bring out best in yourself. Have you a mate or someone easygoing in your family could explain all this to?

Another thing that I suppose adds to this. I can't really talk to anyone in my family, haven't been able to in years. If they knew half the stuff that goes on in my head they'd probably have a heart attack :P

And I don't really have any good friends anymore. A lot have emigrated and just drifted apart. I go out with my brother and his friends who I get on great with but I always feel like an outsider if that makes sense? In that I only go along with my brother to things. They'd all be 4-5 years older than me.

fussyonion · 30-07-2014 12:51AM

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Those self help snakeoil sellers are a load of balls.

If you're not happy in yourself no self help book or tape will make any difference.

Stick on some happy tunes and dance round the room, like you're a cross between Fred Astaire and John Travolta.

Works for me

:D

El Weirdo · 30-07-2014 12:53AM

Macavity. wrote: »

It's the luck of the draw I guess. If you are very attractive you will have more success in that area of life. Just be thankful you are not grotesquely ugly.

Nonsense. Anybody only interested in how you look, isn't worth bothering with. It's a tired old cliché, but it's true.

Confidence isn't just important, it is THE most important thing.

How Soon Is Now · 30-07-2014 12:53AM

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Another thing that I suppose adds to this. I can't really talk to anyone in my family, haven't been able to in years. If they knew half the stuff that goes on in my head they'd probably have a heart attack :P

And I don't really have any good friends anymore. A lot have emigrated and just drifted apart. I go out with my brother and his friends who I get on great with but I always feel like an outsider if that makes sense? In that I only go along with my brother to things. They'd all be 4-5 years older than me.

Trust me if my family knew half of what goes threw my head or what I do / have done it be ehhh awkward ha so I get that.

You could always try having a look at meet up . com?

The Backwards Man · 30-07-2014 12:55AM

El Weirdo wrote: »

Nonsense. Anybody only interested in how you look, isn't worth bothering with. It's a tired old cliché, but it's true.

Confidence isn't just important, it is THE most important thing.

Well said. I love you WEIRDO, ya big ugly bastard.

El Weirdo · 30-07-2014 12:56AM

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Well said. I love you WEIRDO, ya big ugly bastard.

To be honest, all of this crap is pretty easy for someone as devastatingly handsome as myself to say.

:pac:

Macavity. · 30-07-2014 12:57AM

El Weirdo wrote: »

Nonsense. Anybody only interested in how you look, isn't worth bothering with. It's a tired old cliché, but it's true.

Confidence isn't just important, it is THE most important thing.

Ignorance truly is bliss.

The Backwards Man · 30-07-2014 12:58AM

El Weirdo wrote: »

To be honest, all of this crap is pretty easy to say for someone as devastatingly handsome as myself.

:pac:

Pssst

When someone says you look devastating, that's not what they mean.:pac:

Remember man, I've seen you naked

IR1SH RANG3R · 30-07-2014 01:00AM

El Weirdo wrote: »

Nonsense. Anybody only interested in how you look, isn't worth bothering with. It's a tired old cliché, but it's true.

Confidence isn't just important, it is THE most important thing.

That's true, but I'm concerned lately that my looks are putting them off, which I never thought before! I dunno I wish you could just ask girls, hey am I good looking enough for you to have a conversation with me and see how things go :P

How Soon Is Now · 30-07-2014 01:01AM

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

That's true, but I'm concerned lately that my looks are putting them off, which I never thought before! I dunno I wish you could just ask girls, hey am I good looking enough for you to have a conversation with me and see how things go :P

If you had the confidence you could probably try it! Ha :-)

A Greedy Algorithm · 30-07-2014 01:01AM

I know the feeling exactly. I do not know what it is, but people seem to be able to 'sense' negativity or a lack of confidence. Maybe its the body language? I'm not 100% sure.

Regarding looks - have you own unique style to be different.

Be natural and do your own thing. And don't forget to smile.

El Weirdo · 30-07-2014 01:02AM

Macavity. wrote: »

Ignorance truly is bliss.

Come back to me in 10 years time and tell me I'm wrong then.

The Backwards Man · 30-07-2014 01:02AM

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

That's true, but I'm concerned lately that my looks are putting them off, which I never thought before! I dunno I wish you could just ask girls, hey am I good looking enough for you to have a conversation with me and see how things go :P

You got it all backwards man, have the conversation with then first, if they think you ugly what the fcuk odds, there's no law against chatting to people.

There is a law against chloroforming people though, so just chat to them OK?:)

El Weirdo · 30-07-2014 01:04AM

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Remember man, I've seen you naked

Mum?

IR1SH RANG3R · 30-07-2014 01:04AM

A Greedy Algorithm wrote: »

I know the feeling exactly. I do not know what it is, but people seem to be able to 'sense' negativity or a lack of confidence. Maybe its the body language? I'm not 100% sure.

Regarding looks - have you own unique style to be different.

Be natural and do your own thing. And don't forget to smile.

Couldn't have put it better, it's like they can smell fear and just avoid you. I think I need to reinvent myself from the ground up how I approach these things

pablo128 · 30-07-2014 01:05AM

Get onto those dating websites. Put up a couple of pictures of yourself. Ask someone you trust to have a look at the pics first.
So, if any girls get in contact, well first of all they are looking for a man. A good start, as you are skipping the nervous initial approach waiting for 'I have a boyfriend/husband'. Secondly, they will have looked at your profile pics and were interested enough to make contact. Take it from there.

I was just like you tbh at your age. I know the feeling. Best of luck.

Stupid problem but really bugging me now!

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