Stupid problem but really bugging me now!

IR1SH RANG3R

Hey all,

So I have what may be a stupid problem and I await the inevitable ridicule I'll get with this but it's really getting to me.

The problem is that I'm not attractive to women, or so I'm thinking lately. I was never one to have loads of confidence but I have been with a few lovely girls (when I say with I mean relationship as I'm a relationship kinda guy). I've been single the last 2 and bit years and haven't been with many people in that time (2-3 max I'd say). Thing is, I always struggled with confidence and it goes up and down. I look at myself in the mirror and think 'I can't see what's wrong' but lately I'm thinking there must be something.

Girls don't seem to have any interest in me anymore, be it on nights out or on sites like tinder, pof etc. I'm thinking I must be ugly/not have a good personality and it's getting me really down and affecting my life to the point I can't enjoy social events etc. anymore.

For example I was out with some family and friends on Saturday last and one of my younger cousins (about a year younger) was with me. We've been great friends for years but he's what girls would describe as handsome I suppose. Anyway, I noticed several girls staring at him all night and trying to chat him up while I'm invisible beside him apparently. I found myself resenting him and growing very jealous (childish I know).

Even this evening on facebook, I saw a girl I was chatting to for a long time who I was with before briefly and still really like obviously flirting with my cousin. I asked her out a couple of times a few months back and was politely let down and now she's chatting up my cousin? That's just getting to me and I wish it didn't.

Anyway sorry about the long post and I suppose I don't really have a question as I don't know how you can help but I wanted to vent

El Weirdo

I very much doubt that it's your looks, but more (as you say) your confidence.

Get that sorted and I guarantee you'll be a hit with the ladies.

Badly Drunk Boy

Don't try too hard. Desperation isn't attractive.

IR1SH RANG3R

Badly Drunk Boy wrote: »

Don't try too hard. Desperation isn't attractive.

I think this is becoming a problem lately alright, I jump in too fast and try to move things too quickly and that fecks things up causing another blow to the confidence.

goz83

Try hypnosis. Find one who specialises in confidence and make sure it's a male hypnotist, as the females just won't have the same impact imo. A couple of sessions should have you feeling right again and not turning to boards for help. Look up the register online to find a local one.

How Soon Is Now

El Weirdo wrote: »

I very much doubt that it's your looks, but more (as you say) your confidence.

Get that sorted and I guarantee you'll be a hit with the ladies.

Was gonna post similar. It's amazing how different you feel when you feel good in yourself even a little bit.

People can see this as well. Looks ain't everything I know some guys who might not be what most would call "sexy" but there fairly confident and it shows by how others treat them. They always blend in and end up talking all kinds people.

Just do your best don't wreck your head over it and try thinking how and what can I do that could make me feel good about me.

IR1SH RANG3R

goz83 wrote: »

Try hypnosis. Find one who specialises in confidence and make sure it's a male hypnotist, as the females just won't have the same impact imo. A couple of sessions should have you feeling right again and not turning to boards for help. Look up the register online to find a local one.

I'll look into this, thanks. Just to put a bit of context on me, I'm only 23 so not like it's a major problem that I'm alone, I;m just lonely lately and find it hard to enjoy my own company. I have a good job working towards a great qualification so not like that side is dragging me down it's just this nagging problem.

IR1SH RANG3R

Can anyone recommend a good book or anything like that actually that can help with self confidence and just being happier in yourself?

How Soon Is Now

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Can anyone recommend a good book or anything like that actually that can help with self confidence and just being happier in yourself?

I dunno about books but you could always try spending more time with friends and family the people who know you best. Could be a good way to bring out best in yourself. Have you a mate or someone easygoing in your family could explain all this to?

El Weirdo

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Can anyone recommend a good book or anything like that actually that can help with self confidence and just being happier in yourself?

I'm sure there's plenty if you look online. Wouldn't really bother with books meself. Try what How Soon Is Now says above.

But if you're determined to go the book route, a word of advice; stay away from any of that PUA bollocks. Women like confidence, but don't like complete ****.

SouthTippBass

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Can anyone recommend a good book or anything like that actually that can help with self confidence and just being happier in yourself?

Troy McClures Get confidence stupid!

No seriously, do you have any talents? Any thing you're good at? Whats interesting about you?

The Backwards Man

Those self help snakeoil sellers are a load of balls.

If you're not happy in yourself no self help book or tape will make any difference.

Stick on some happy tunes and dance round the room, like you're a cross between Fred Astaire and John Travolta.

Works for me

The Th!ng

Shoot yourself in the testicles.

fussyonion

I'm not recommending any books. It got me in trouble the last time.

Macavity.

It's the luck of the draw I guess. If you are very attractive you will have more success in that area of life. Just be thankful you are not grotesquely ugly.

As other posters have mentioned though confidence is important so you should definitely try to work on that.

IR1SH RANG3R

How Soon Is Now wrote: »

I dunno about books but you could always try spending more time with friends and family the people who know you best. Could be a good way to bring out best in yourself. Have you a mate or someone easygoing in your family could explain all this to?

Another thing that I suppose adds to this. I can't really talk to anyone in my family, haven't been able to in years. If they knew half the stuff that goes on in my head they'd probably have a heart attack :P

And I don't really have any good friends anymore. A lot have emigrated and just drifted apart. I go out with my brother and his friends who I get on great with but I always feel like an outsider if that makes sense? In that I only go along with my brother to things. They'd all be 4-5 years older than me.

fussyonion

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Those self help snakeoil sellers are a load of balls.

If you're not happy in yourself no self help book or tape will make any difference.

Stick on some happy tunes and dance round the room, like you're a cross between Fred Astaire and John Travolta.

Works for me

:D

El Weirdo

Macavity. wrote: »

It's the luck of the draw I guess. If you are very attractive you will have more success in that area of life. Just be thankful you are not grotesquely ugly.

Nonsense. Anybody only interested in how you look, isn't worth bothering with. It's a tired old cliché, but it's true.

Confidence isn't just important, it is THE most important thing.

How Soon Is Now

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Another thing that I suppose adds to this. I can't really talk to anyone in my family, haven't been able to in years. If they knew half the stuff that goes on in my head they'd probably have a heart attack :P

And I don't really have any good friends anymore. A lot have emigrated and just drifted apart. I go out with my brother and his friends who I get on great with but I always feel like an outsider if that makes sense? In that I only go along with my brother to things. They'd all be 4-5 years older than me.

Trust me if my family knew half of what goes threw my head or what I do / have done it be ehhh awkward ha so I get that.

You could always try having a look at meet up . com?

The Backwards Man

El Weirdo wrote: »

Nonsense. Anybody only interested in how you look, isn't worth bothering with. It's a tired old cliché, but it's true.

Confidence isn't just important, it is THE most important thing.

Well said. I love you WEIRDO, ya big ugly bastard.

El Weirdo

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Well said. I love you WEIRDO, ya big ugly bastard.

To be honest, all of this crap is pretty easy for someone as devastatingly handsome as myself to say.

:pac:

Macavity.

El Weirdo wrote: »

Nonsense. Anybody only interested in how you look, isn't worth bothering with. It's a tired old cliché, but it's true.

Confidence isn't just important, it is THE most important thing.

Ignorance truly is bliss.

The Backwards Man

El Weirdo wrote: »

To be honest, all of this crap is pretty easy to say for someone as devastatingly handsome as myself.

:pac:

Pssst

When someone says you look devastating, that's not what they mean.:pac:

Remember man, I've seen you naked

IR1SH RANG3R

El Weirdo wrote: »

Nonsense. Anybody only interested in how you look, isn't worth bothering with. It's a tired old cliché, but it's true.

Confidence isn't just important, it is THE most important thing.

That's true, but I'm concerned lately that my looks are putting them off, which I never thought before! I dunno I wish you could just ask girls, hey am I good looking enough for you to have a conversation with me and see how things go :P

How Soon Is Now

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

That's true, but I'm concerned lately that my looks are putting them off, which I never thought before! I dunno I wish you could just ask girls, hey am I good looking enough for you to have a conversation with me and see how things go :P

If you had the confidence you could probably try it! Ha :-)

A Greedy Algorithm

I know the feeling exactly. I do not know what it is, but people seem to be able to 'sense' negativity or a lack of confidence. Maybe its the body language? I'm not 100% sure.

Regarding looks - have you own unique style to be different.

Be natural and do your own thing. And don't forget to smile.

El Weirdo

Macavity. wrote: »

Ignorance truly is bliss.

Come back to me in 10 years time and tell me I'm wrong then.

The Backwards Man

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

That's true, but I'm concerned lately that my looks are putting them off, which I never thought before! I dunno I wish you could just ask girls, hey am I good looking enough for you to have a conversation with me and see how things go :P

You got it all backwards man, have the conversation with then first, if they think you ugly what the fcuk odds, there's no law against chatting to people.

There is a law against chloroforming people though, so just chat to them OK?:)

El Weirdo

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Remember man, I've seen you naked

Mum?

IR1SH RANG3R

A Greedy Algorithm wrote: »

I know the feeling exactly. I do not know what it is, but people seem to be able to 'sense' negativity or a lack of confidence. Maybe its the body language? I'm not 100% sure.

Regarding looks - have you own unique style to be different.

Be natural and do your own thing. And don't forget to smile.

Couldn't have put it better, it's like they can smell fear and just avoid you. I think I need to reinvent myself from the ground up how I approach these things

pablo128

Get onto those dating websites. Put up a couple of pictures of yourself. Ask someone you trust to have a look at the pics first.
So, if any girls get in contact, well first of all they are looking for a man. A good start, as you are skipping the nervous initial approach waiting for 'I have a boyfriend/husband'. Secondly, they will have looked at your profile pics and were interested enough to make contact. Take it from there.

I was just like you tbh at your age. I know the feeling. Best of luck.

How Soon Is Now

pablo128 wrote: »

Get onto those dating websites. Put up a couple of pictures of yourself. Ask someone you trust to have a look at the pics first.
So, if any girls get in contact, well first of all they are looking for a man. A good start, as you are skipping the nervous initial approach waiting for 'I have a boyfriend/husband'. Secondly, they will have looked at your profile pics and were interested enough to make contact. Take it from there.

I was just like you tbh at your age. I know the feeling. Best of luck.

If your low on confidence and not high on your looks dating website is last place to go believe me! Some of them would only make you feel worse.

The Backwards Man

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Couldn't have put it better, it's like they can smell fear and just avoid you. I think I need to reinvent myself from the ground up how I approach these things

Go up to someone tomorrow and say to them, 'excuse me, did I see you at the duckdo last week?'

With any luck, they'll reply 'What's a duckdo?'

And you say



QUACK QUACK!!

It's that simple.:)

IR1SH RANG3R

How Soon Is Now wrote: »

If your low on confidence and not high on your looks dating website is last place to go believe me! Some of them would only make you feel worse.

Yeah I can't even usually get a reply off any girl I think is good looking. The odd one here and there who aren't really all that interested

Macavity.

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Yeah I can't even usually get a reply off any girl I think is good looking. The odd one here and there who aren't really all that interested

Online dating is primarily about looks. If you think they are attractive then other men do too. This puts you in competition with numerous others, except unlike the real world any ability you had to impress her with (personality etc..) is taken away.

How Soon Is Now

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Yeah I can't even usually get a reply off any girl I think is good looking. The odd one here and there who aren't really all that interested

I was on a few of those sites before you need to be sure of yourself or least pretend!

Those sites at times can be as bad as job searching unless you have the skills wanted someone else will get noticed ahead of you.

It's not always even your fault your not getting reply s some people think there better then they actually are and will aim incredibly high! Much higher then they could get away with in person.

Vuustar

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Hey all,

So I have what may be a stupid problem and I await the inevitable ridicule I'll get with this but it's really getting to me.

The problem is that I'm not attractive to women, or so I'm thinking lately. I was never one to have loads of confidence but I have been with a few lovely girls (when I say with I mean relationship as I'm a relationship kinda guy). I've been single the last 2 and bit years and haven't been with many people in that time (2-3 max I'd say). Thing is, I always struggled with confidence and it goes up and down. I look at myself in the mirror and think 'I can't see what's wrong' but lately I'm thinking there must be something.

Girls don't seem to have any interest in me anymore, be it on nights out or on sites like tinder, pof etc. I'm thinking I must be ugly/not have a good personality and it's getting me really down and affecting my life to the point I can't enjoy social events etc. anymore.

For example I was out with some family and friends on Saturday last and one of my younger cousins (about a year younger) was with me. We've been great friends for years but he's what girls would describe as handsome I suppose. Anyway, I noticed several girls staring at him all night and trying to chat him up while I'm invisible beside him apparently. I found myself resenting him and growing very jealous (childish I know).

Even this evening on facebook, I saw a girl I was chatting to for a long time who I was with before briefly and still really like obviously flirting with my cousin. I asked her out a couple of times a few months back and was politely let down and now she's chatting up my cousin? That's just getting to me and I wish it didn't.

Anyway sorry about the long post and I suppose I don't really have a question as I don't know how you can help but I wanted to vent

It's easy to point to one thing like looks and say that's the reason but it is not that simple. For a man, looks are far more important to determine mating value than for women.... Look at Hugh hefner... Or 50 cent.... Not exactly Calvin Klein models are they? But women are attracted to them like flies to **** because they are successful men.

I think sites like pof are a bad place for the male self esteem because immediately by the nature of the site you are at a disadvantage... An attractive girl on pof probably receives over a hundred messages a day from different guys.... It's not the same as if you approached her on the street, where she might respond positively to the same guy she would ignore on pof...don't let it get to you.

Focus on becoming successful in life and the women will come to you.

pebbles21

OP ..Just be yourself! ..Actually ...Don't!

zetalambda

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Hey all,

So I have what may be a stupid problem and I await the inevitable ridicule I'll get with this but it's really getting to me.

The problem is that I'm not attractive to women, or so I'm thinking lately. I was never one to have loads of confidence but I have been with a few lovely girls (when I say with I mean relationship as I'm a relationship kinda guy). I've been single the last 2 and bit years and haven't been with many people in that time (2-3 max I'd say). Thing is, I always struggled with confidence and it goes up and down. I look at myself in the mirror and think 'I can't see what's wrong' but lately I'm thinking there must be something.

Girls don't seem to have any interest in me anymore, be it on nights out or on sites like tinder, pof etc. I'm thinking I must be ugly/not have a good personality and it's getting me really down and affecting my life to the point I can't enjoy social events etc. anymore.

For example I was out with some family and friends on Saturday last and one of my younger cousins (about a year younger) was with me. We've been great friends for years but he's what girls would describe as handsome I suppose. Anyway, I noticed several girls staring at him all night and trying to chat him up while I'm invisible beside him apparently. I found myself resenting him and growing very jealous (childish I know).

Even this evening on facebook, I saw a girl I was chatting to for a long time who I was with before briefly and still really like obviously flirting with my cousin. I asked her out a couple of times a few months back and was politely let down and now she's chatting up my cousin? That's just getting to me and I wish it didn't.

Anyway sorry about the long post and I suppose I don't really have a question as I don't know how you can help but I wanted to vent

The trick is to go out with friends that are less attractive looking than you. That way, you get all the attention. Your cousin knows this trick. That's probably why it was his idea to go out?

El Weirdo

El Weirdo wrote: »

I very much doubt that it's your looks, but more (as you say) your confidence.

Get that sorted and I guarantee you'll be a hit with the ladies.

It's amazing how well I project my lack of confidence on online dating sites. :pac:

_Whimsical_

IR1SH RANG3R wrote: »

Yeah I can't even usually get a reply off any girl I think is good looking. The odd one here and there who aren't really all that interested

Hmmm.
Are you only interested in a certain type of girl? I know everybody has their type so to speak but that comment suggests that some women are showing you attention but just not the ones you are into?

I say widen the net.
If you're limiting yourself to the dolly bird types frequenting pubs and clubs who spend evenings batting their eyelids at guys like your cousin you might be making a mistake. You sound like a nice enough guy, not so much like a pub/club guy though. We aren't all born to be lined up like a cattle at a mart waiting for someone to think we are the best of the bunch on the basis of a mere glance. Infact lots of decent , attractive people hate that and steer clear.Maybe you could try volunteering,joining a club or doing a class, something you're interested in where you might forget your looks and be enthused by a subject. In that environment you might find it easier to shine and might find someone like minded you find attractive and get on with.

The Backwards Man

Macavity. wrote: »

Online dating is primarily about looks. If you think they are attractive then other men do too. This puts you in competition with numerous others, except unlike the real world any ability you had to impress her with (personality etc..) is taken away.

Balls, I wouldn't agree with that at all. I think you get a much better grasp of a first impression someone's personality online than meeting them in a club or a pub or a bus station or whatever.

It's much easier to weed out the shallow ones online than in real life.:)

Not that I would know much about it, being an awesome stud and all.:pac:

How Soon Is Now

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Balls, I wouldn't agree with that at all. I think you get a much better grasp of a first impression someone's personality online than meeting them in a club or a pub or a bus station or whatever.

It's much easier to weed out the shallow ones online than in real life.:)

Not that I would know much about it, being an awesome stud and all.:pac:

You need to know how to talk your way threw conversation s on them so personality helps big time but look at it this way in most cases if you have no picture or even a bad one most women will ignore you. They make that fairly clear.

Trebor176

I always thought it was my looks that didn't attract the ladies. Of late, I realise it's probably confidence. Although I am 28, I am a quiet sort, maybe a tad shy, and perhaps not the most confident. Still, I get on well with my friends, colleagues, and can make conversation or get into a conversation with strangers. All well in good. But, I have never been the most confident when it comes to asking a girl out. The above qualities I possess in general are ones I am improving on, though.

Recently, I plucked up the courage to ask a girl I've known for several years out. . .after several years of being interested in her, haha. She was with someone a few years, and being introduced to him while on a night out for my birthday a few years back (she was in the same venue with him and mates), was a killer. Anyway, that ended a good while back, but other obstacles meant I couldn't act. After a good bit of thought, and fearing losing friendship, I risked it and went for it. Told her I was interested and said I'd love to take her for a drink.

Anyway, she took it well, was flattered, so she said, but told me she was "seeing someone," but would go for a drink with me, if things didn't work out. She applauded me for having the courage to ask her out, and that I wasn't the shy person she once knew. I'm glad I went for it, even though that date is unlikely to ever happen, and, although she doesn't seem to be with anyone. That's just one example anyway.

I am trying the online dating route, which isn't going so well. There, I have no idea what it is, but I've rambled on about it in other threads, so I'll refrain from doing so here

A lack of confidence is something that can certainly be overcome with a bit of work put in. Some people can be far too cocky, which doesn't always get them what they want. It is achievable, and just undertaking certain things in order to meet new people can help. Things like being turned down or not getting much attention from theopposite sex can shatter confidence a little, but it's their loss, I guess. I know the right person is out there, but Lord knows when she will appear. Don't let things get you down too much, OP

Macavity.

Whenever I read these type of threads the tune of Eleanor Rigby plays in my head.

biketard

OP do you have any hobbies?

RoyalCelt

Look'em straight in the eye and tell'em you are going to fcuk'em (Johnny Bravo Style)

If that doesn't work buy a gun and repeat step one.

Wishiwasa Littlebitaller

Work on your confidence. Desperate isn't attractive, women can sense it.

The two biggest myths in the first two replies.

Maphisto

Have you tried Rohypnol?

IR1SH RANG3R

biketard wrote: »

OP do you have any hobbies?

Sorry for the long delay, been a busy day. I'm not one with massive hobbies but I am trying lately as I was in a bit of a rut the last year or more. I suppose the only hobbies I used to have were films and TV (the hobbies of a lazy man) but recently joined a gym to try to lose weight (not very overweight or anything, could just stand to drop a few pounds) as this affects my confidence. I am really enjoying it the last 6 weeks or so but don't really see that as a place to meet people. Will probably try to broaden my horizons when I'm in a regular routine with the gym

happywithlife

Might sound a bit mad but I'd get your Bgroup vitamins checked out with a blood test at your gps
You come across in some of the posts as being lethargic (not sure why but it's just an impression I get)
It's amazing the effect low B12 levels especially have on us.
If they are low it can lead to depression and lack of energy.
I know it sounds a bit mad but just my thoughts