The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

3rdDegree · 18-07-2014 02:55PM

Roger_007 wrote: »

To slightly misquote Oscar Wilde......'to lose one airplane is unfortunate, but to lose two seems like carelessness..'
:eek:

May be a tad too soon for these!

foxy farmer · 18-07-2014 08:33PM

Farmer is out driving along a country road when he suddenly runs into a garda checkpoint. The garda does a thorough check on the vehicle. Tax and insurance are closely inspected. He checks the lights and looks at the tyres. He finally comes to the drivers door and says that all seems to be in order. The farmers dog was asleep in the passenger seat but wakes and starts growling when he hears the garda talking. Being thorough as always he asks "Does the dog have a licence?". The farmer replies " Yerrah no . Sher I do most of the driving meself."

Witchie · 19-07-2014 12:51PM

I'm heading out for a curry later with some Muslim friends. Hope I'm not up all night with the Shiites.

stefan idiot jones · 19-07-2014 01:09PM

Witchie wrote: »

I'm heading out for a curry later with some Muslim friends. Hope I'm not up all night with the Shiites.

Don't forget to put some toilet roll in the fridge before you go out.

rolliepoley · 19-07-2014 05:07PM

A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Manchester United fan?"
"Because my mum and dad moved here from Trafford and are Manchester United fans, so I'm a Manchester United fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a Manchester United fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

foxy farmer · 19-07-2014 10:51PM

The parish priest was visiting an inner city school and was quizzing a class before their confirmation. He asked one lad "Where was Jesus born?" The lad replies "Not from around here anyway father. Sure he fell 3 times and never claimed a cent in compo!

funtime93 · 20-07-2014 10:11AM

Once upon a time a woman left the kitchen.

EoghanIRL · 20-07-2014 10:14AM

Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"

Because women have no rights.

stefan idiot jones · 20-07-2014 10:19AM

How do you give a woman an orgasm?

Who cares?

A man is talking to his mate and he says to him 'I think my wife has died'.

His mate asks him what makes him think that?

He replies 'the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up'

Capt'n Midnight · 20-07-2014 12:00PM

funtime93 wrote: »

Once upon a time a woman left the kitchen.

to bring me a sandwich

nicowa · 20-07-2014 05:16PM

Fantastic three posts there lads... Really inspired.

EoghanIRL · 20-07-2014 07:51PM

nicowa wrote: »

Fantastic three posts there lads... Really inspired.

I do try . Donations welcome .

Capt'n Midnight · 20-07-2014 08:30PM

Tea is for mugs.

Oh, little town of Bethlehem...

You've five minutes to get out.

3rdDegree · 21-07-2014 02:57PM

Witchie wrote: »

I'm heading out for a curry later with some Muslim friends. Hope I'm not up all night with the Shiites.

Almost as bad:

Q. How do you infuriate a Muslim?
A. Tell him you're going to Killala at the weekend.

21-07-2014 04:09PM

Q. How do you infuriate a Muslim?
A. Tell him you're going to Mecca* at the weekend.

*To Play Bingo. :P

foxy farmer · 21-07-2014 06:06PM

A drunken man wandered into the ladies toilet in a hotel in Athlone by mistake and was heading for a cubicle unzipped and ready for action.
"Excuse me" squealed an elderly lady. " This is for ladies only".
Smiling he replied "So is this maam so is this"

Witchie · 21-07-2014 09:24PM

Did you hear about the pervert woodworm?

He ate the drawers off the dresser.

Hagar7 · 22-07-2014 07:20PM

Witchie wrote: »

Did you hear about the pervert woodworm?

He ate the drawers off the dresser.

That was so bad it was funny.:)

ScummyMan · 22-07-2014 07:55PM

What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

byrner88 · 23-07-2014 01:09AM

Paul McCartney once said that he only writes music about things that are real.

Really Paul? And would you say you do this eight days a week?

3rdDegree · 23-07-2014 04:44PM

byrner88 wrote: »

Paul McCartney once said that he only writes music about things that are real.

Really Paul? And would you say you do this eight days a week?

I don't think the singing frogs were very realistic either.

23-07-2014 06:31PM

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the
Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or
the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For ?10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The...?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ...
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER?ER ...
Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer
can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

chughes · 23-07-2014 09:11PM

3rdDegree wrote: »

I don't think the singing frogs were very realistic either.

Nor is Magneto and Titanium Man.

foxy farmer · 25-07-2014 02:20PM

Reilly joined the British Parachute Regiment and was on his first drop. Falling from the plane he pulled his ripcord but his chute never deployed. He pulled the handle for his reserve chute but discovered that was useless as well. Falling towards earth he noticed something approaching him at high speed. It was Murphy the plumber.
"Do you know anything about parachutes?" cried Reilly.
"No" shouts Murphy. "Do you know anything about gas cookers?"

nootroc · 25-07-2014 07:53PM

Louis Suarez has hired the Dublin County Board for his appeal against the ban

Capt'n Midnight · 25-07-2014 11:33PM

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring.

The doctor says I'm OK but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

EoghanIRL · 26-07-2014 01:12AM

My friend called the other day and asked how I reacted when my wife said she was HIV positive .

I told him that I tried to look surprised.

branie · 26-07-2014 10:30AM

What has 20 heads and three teeth?

an episode of Jeremy Kyle

28-07-2014 07:02PM

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Labour Prime Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring nations of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S. Government found a suitable agreement with the North American tribes.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shít that it can no longer fly.

bodhrandude · 28-07-2014 07:50PM

How do you address a cactus? Allo Vera - Aloe Vera :pac:

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments