Bridesmaid - who pays for what?

kkcatlou · 17-07-2014 08:35AM

I've been bridesmaid twice.
First time, she paid for dresses, alterations, hair and make up. We bought our own shoes and paid for our own nails. As both us bridesmaids were single and her parents didn't want to stay in the hotel, she let us have their room.

Second time was my sister. She paid for the same as the above. We bought our own shoes and as I was with my boyfriend then, we paid for our own hotel room.

For our wedding, we are paying for dresses, shoes, hair, makeup and accommodation the night of the wedding. We have asked them to contribute towards accommodation cost for the second night (asking for €65 per person)....does this sound stingy? Our venue is extremely expensive, and this is the only way we could justify the cost. They recommend charging €120 per person per night but we thought that was too much, so are charging a little less than the hotel across the road from it. Kinda feeling bad about it now though..... But my boyfriend says if they were coming as guests, they'd be paying for 2/3 night accommodation anyway and they have no other expenses...

Also, nails - going to suggest we just do each others - don't see the point in forking out for that. Hate fake tan, so really hoping they won't want that. In September, they should be brown enough anyway! Handbags for after, just going to buy cheap €10 ones online.

Present wise, I'm just going to buy them their jewellery - earrings and bracelet. That sounds like the norm, is it?? Have budgeted about €70 each?

lazygal · 17-07-2014 09:42AM

Anything the bride/groom expects the bridal party should be paid for. Obviously dress, shoes (I don't get the 'they can wear their own' line, not everyone has evening or formal shoes), makeup, hair and accessories. I think accommodation should be covered unless the bridal party can head home without too much trouble, in which case taxis should be paid for.

The 'if they were a guest they'd be paying for their room/outfit/whatever else you're trying to justify not paying for' arguments don't cut any ice with me. Guest won't be expected to be present on the morning with bride and groom, guests won't have to pose for the formal photos, guests won't be handed cards to mind, they can recycle an outfit and guests won't have to give speeches and do the first dance with the happy couple. If you expect the bridal party to stay a night before or after or both you pay for it. As a guest I rarely stay more than one night for a wedding, depending on the distance, so I wouldn't stay three nights for a wedding just because it was expected because I was a bridesmaid.

Malari · 17-07-2014 10:16AM

I've only been a bridesmaid once, for a close extended family member. I used my own dress and shoes, but my sister had to buy a dress. I lent her shoes. The bride paid for hair and make-up (optional if we wanted it) and we paid for our own hotel rooms. She also gave us each a gift of jewellery.

I guess I didn't have anything to compare it to, so I didn't have any "expectations" in terms of what should or shouldn't have been covered. I was happy anyway!

I think if I got married I would like my sister as a witness (not sure if "bridesmaid" is appropriate!) and would pay for accommodation but she could arrange everything else herself if she wanted.

rainbowtrout · 17-07-2014 10:43AM

kkcatlou wrote: »

For our wedding, we are paying for dresses, shoes, hair, makeup and accommodation the night of the wedding. We have asked them to contribute towards accommodation cost for the second night (asking for €65 per person)....does this sound stingy? Our venue is extremely expensive, and this is the only way we could justify the cost. They recommend charging €120 per person per night but we thought that was too much, so are charging a little less than the hotel across the road from it. Kinda feeling bad about it now though..... But my boyfriend says if they were coming as guests, they'd be paying for 2/3 night accommodation anyway and they have no other expenses...

Yes I think it is stingy. You chose the expensive venue, not them - you're making them pay for your choices. If they weren't part of the bridal party they would have the choice of going home on any of the nights, unless it's at the other end of the country. They could also choose to stay in a cheaper hotel/B&B. Not fair expecting them to stay 2-3 days and then asking them to pay for it. If you're calling the shots you should be paying. Saying they have no other expenses is just a stingy way of justifying why you're lumping part of the cost of your wedding onto them. They're also giving up a huge chunk of their time to basically be on call for you for the weekend of your wedding.

If the average cost of an Irish wedding is approx 20k and I'm going to assume 2 groomsmen and 2 bridesmaids, so 4 beds @ €65 each = €260, it wouldn't kill you to pay that for them for the night. Look after your bridal party, as they will be ones looking after you and if money is that tight, cut back on the crap that no one cares about or notices on the day.

Leogirl · 17-07-2014 10:48AM

I was only bridesmaid once for my sister - there were 4 of us in the party.

They paid for dress, alterations, shoes, jewellery, hair/make up & a gift for us all. We all paid hotel rooms, tan/nails if we wanted them & of course gave a good gift too. She also paid for my Mums hair/make up & parents hotel room.

It can add up to €500 PLUS the cost of the day - ridiculous to ask someone to fork out that kind of money for you plus the hen weekend & the hassle of being a bridesmaid (sorry but it is a bit of a pain - for months). If she had told us to all buy dresses worth a couple of hundred, matching shoes, get hair & make up done etc - I'm pretty sure she'd have been left without any bridesmaids!!!

Penny Dreadful · 17-07-2014 11:04AM

I had one bridesmaid and paid for everything except the accomodation. I covered:
Hair and make up trial
Hair and make up on the day ( and for my Mum and other sisters and nieces that day of the wedding too).
Dress and alterations
Shoes (were the BM present and got her Loubioutins as she'd always wanted them and was only have the 1 BM).
Tan and nails.

I was BM for the same sister this year and she paid for everything except the hair and make up trials. I wanted a particular pair of shoes too so she gave me the amount of money she was spending on the other BMs shoes to put towards the ones I wanted and I paid the difference. All of the BMs (7 in total) got a piece of jewellery as their gift.

XxMCRxBabyxX · 17-07-2014 05:08PM

I'm finding this quite interesting. My only experience as a bridesmaid was for an American Bride getting married in England. I paid for the dress, shoes, flights and accommodation and the lot of us (incl the bride) just did our hair and make up together. The dress and shoes didn't cost a huge amount though (about 150) and I was going to be going over anyway so I just went along with it. I think that it's just normal practice with the US and possibly UK too.

BabysCoffee · 17-07-2014 07:33PM

magicmushroom wrote: »

If the bridesmaids didn't have shoes that go with the dresses and thereford needed to buy new, would you expect them to pay or would you happily cover the cost?

If you expected them to wear specific shoes you should pay for them.

If they can wear any shoes they should pay....or wear a pair that they already own,

Electric Sheep · 17-07-2014 08:45PM

kkcatlou wrote: »

We have asked them to contribute towards accommodation cost for the second night (asking for €65 per person)....does this sound stingy? Our venue is extremely expensive, and this is the only way we could justify the cost. They recommend charging €120 per person per night but we thought that was too much, so are charging a little less than the hotel across the road from it. Kinda feeling bad about it now though..... But my boyfriend says if they were coming as guests, they'd be paying for 2/3 night accommodation anyway and they have no other expenses...

It is not your bridesmaids' fault that you chose an extremely expensive venue. Nor is it your guests' fault. I think it is VERY inconsiderate to choose a venue that is so expensive for your guests.

Electric Sheep · 17-07-2014 08:59PM

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

I'm finding this quite interesting. My only experience as a bridesmaid was for an American Bride getting married in England. I paid for the dress, shoes, flights and accommodation and the lot of us (incl the bride) just did our hair and make up together. The dress and shoes didn't cost a huge amount though (about 150) and I was going to be going over anyway so I just went along with it. I think that it's just normal practice with the US and possibly UK too.

It is normal in the US for the bridesmaids to pay all their own expenses. Also, it is not at all normal in the US to have spray tans or professional makeup. As a result, US brides and their bridal parties generally avoid the overdone look that has become the norm in Ireland over the past few years.

cactusgal · 18-07-2014 12:27AM

Eh. I'd still take a spray tan, etc, than have to fork out all that cash. I'm American, have been a bridesmaid twice in the USA. Paid for dress, shoes, alterations (nearly the same price as the dress!), accessories. Brides paid for hair on the day, that was it. Each bride had 6 bridesmaids, I think. Accommodation wasn't covered, either. Annnnd, both couples divorced a few years later! Oh, America.

Merkin · 18-07-2014 12:40AM

:eek: That just beggars belief about customs in the States. I would be absolutely mortified at asking someone to do me the privilege of being my bridesmaid and then having the bare faced cheek to expect them to expense it! I'd be so embarrassed!

WoollyWoman · 18-07-2014 06:03AM

Ah the absolute craziness of weddings. I'll have the pleasure of being a bridesmaid for the 3rd and 4th time later this year. For my sister and then for my friend.
I'm about to have a baby and am currently trying to get money from dozens of people on both parties for hen doos in September...both brides don't want to contribute towards their hen...even if they want over night stays in hotels with meals/activities etc. I think this is a joke.
Both of them are paying for my dress/hair/make-up etc but I wouldn't be shocked if they ask for a contribution later on. It just seems to happen with some brides. They get wrapped up in the whole event and don't realise how much time their bridesmaids have put in behind the scenes. It's like a slap in the face when you're expected to pay for things you wouldn't normally get for a wedding as a regular guest.
Simple weddings MUST come back into vogue! It's all too stressful...

lazygal · 18-07-2014 09:59AM

WoollyWoman wrote: »

Simple weddings MUST come back into vogue! It's all too stressful...

I don't think the relative simplicity of the wedding is at issue here. I'm in the middle of a stage where friends and family are getting married and anyone I know has paid for the bridesmaids dresses, shoes, hair and makeup (if they are getting it done, others did DIY), accommodation and other costs. Regardless of whether the wedding is a pull out all the stops five star no budget affair or where the couple is doing it on a shoestring (in which case they didn't have a large bridal party).

Arbiter of Good Taste · 18-07-2014 03:39PM

I had two bridesmaids and paid for

dresses and alterations
furry wraps (it was November)
pearl bracelets and earrings
hair accessories
handbags
makeup
nails
hotel room for night before and night of
Jo Malone candle and moisturiser sets

I didn't pay for shoes as it was a November wedding and the dresses were a dark purple we agreed on black shoes and they both black heels which would have been much more comfortable than anything in my budget.

Tarzana · 18-07-2014 06:17PM

I'm a bridesmaid to my sis in a few months and am paying for my accommodation even though I'm not obligated to. I'd be paying for that anyway so don't mind.

Teyla Emmagan · 19-07-2014 06:46AM

This is brilliant stuff, I wish I was going. Kinda.

I went to one wedding where there wasn't a meal. B&G wanted to do 'something different' so they served a few sandwiches at about 8pm (like 2 triangles each) and the wedding cake later. We had all been in the venue since 3 and by 8pm the bulk of the wedding party were so deranged with red wine that they nearly ripped the place apart to get to the sandwiches. It was an absolute clusterf*ck. We all went to burger king on tthe way home. And yes, they are very scabby.

Dredd_J · 19-07-2014 07:28AM

We paid for everything for all of the bridal party. Hair, makeup, shoes, dresses, suits, hotels for them and their partners.
Its just not fair that someone should have to spend money at our request and not have a choice whether they want to do it or not.
We even paid for a spa day for the girls in the bridal party the day before as a treat and a thanks for going out of their way for us.
The lads were happy with a few pints

One of our bridesmaids is getting married in September a nd asked my other half to be a bridesmaid. It turns out now that she wants the bridal party to not only pay for everything themselves, but to all stay the night before and after at the hotel too, at their own expense.

So one of the bridesmaids said she was pregnant and would be 8.5 months on the day of the wedding.
My other half is going to just say that she is hoping we will try now and that she'll be 6 - 7 months pregnant at the wedding. The bride is now frantically trying to get them both to say they dont want to be bridesmaids. Masterful

Dredd_J · 19-07-2014 07:38AM

kkcatlou wrote: »

I've been bridesmaid twice.
First time, she paid for dresses, alterations, hair and make up. We bought our own shoes and paid for our own nails. As both us bridesmaids were single and her parents didn't want to stay in the hotel, she let us have their room.

Second time was my sister. She paid for the same as the above. We bought our own shoes and as I was with my boyfriend then, we paid for our own hotel room.

For our wedding, we are paying for dresses, shoes, hair, makeup and accommodation the night of the wedding. We have asked them to contribute towards accommodation cost for the second night (asking for €65 per person)....does this sound stingy? Our venue is extremely expensive, and this is the only way we could justify the cost. They recommend charging €120 per person per night but we thought that was too much, so are charging a little less than the hotel across the road from it. Kinda feeling bad about it now though..... But my boyfriend says if they were coming as guests, they'd be paying for 2/3 night accommodation anyway and they have no other expenses...

Also, nails - going to suggest we just do each others - don't see the point in forking out for that. Hate fake tan, so really hoping they won't want that. In September, they should be brown enough anyway! Handbags for after, just going to buy cheap €10 ones online.

Present wise, I'm just going to buy them their jewellery - earrings and bracelet. That sounds like the norm, is it?? Have budgeted about €70 each?

Yes it does. But all of your friends will tell you ah no its not stingy and we understand. But you WILL be known for it among them all in the future and they'll all have a good old bitch about you when you arent around. Deep down, You know this already. Dont even know why you are asking the question.

seanaway · 19-07-2014 09:48PM

Yer mad!
It's an honour to be asked.

Pay for your own stuff or don't become a bridesmaid.

Milly33 · 19-07-2014 09:58PM

It is an honour to be asked but that's completely taking the piss. Its fine if you said look things are tight can you pay for the dress, but let them pick it or choose what to wear.And the rooms that should be up to them, they should not be told what they are doing and paying for.. feck that is all I can say.. Do let us know how it goes would be interesting to find out

Neyite · 19-07-2014 10:04PM

seanaway wrote: »

Yer mad!
It's an honour to be asked.

Pay for your own stuff or don't become a bridesmaid.

Maybe you can explain why it is actually such an honour to be down hundreds, potentially thousands, give up lots of free time and be dictated to, cos I honestly don't see it.

Teyla Emmagan · 19-07-2014 10:14PM

seanaway wrote: »

Yer mad!
It's an honour to be asked.

Pay for your own stuff or don't become a bridesmaid.

Realistically, it's lovely to be asked, but it's not really an honour. You spend months listening to the planning, worry about everything yourself nearly as much as the bride, organize a tonne of stuff, and on the day you're the one still panicking and running around as she relaxes. You're still plamasing the auld aunties and the guests no one likes while everyone else gets on with it. I've only done it once, but being a bridesmaid is exhausting.

seanaway · 19-07-2014 10:24PM

Milly33 wrote: »

It is an honour to be asked but that's completely taking the piss. Its fine if you said look things are tight can you pay for the dress, but let them pick it or choose what to wear.And the rooms that should be up to them, they should not be told what they are doing and paying for.. feck that is all I can say.. Do let us know how it goes would be interesting to find out

Exactly. Let them choose.

It's a load of hype and nonsense anyway.

If you have friends who REALLY want to be your bridesmaids then tehy wil understand.

If tehy don't - they aren't worthy of being either friends or bridesmaids.

cuana · 19-07-2014 10:48PM

seanaway wrote: »

Yer mad!
It's an honour to be asked.

Pay for your own stuff or don't become a bridesmaid.

I am all for people celebrating there love for each other & making it into a celebration but I'd rather be a guest.

Your roped into the whole damn journey, endless hours/days talking about weddings! engagement parties, themes, colors, guest lists, music, venues, wedding dresses, looking for wedding dresses, looking for bridesmaid dresses, dress fittings, hen parties, rehearsal dinners! not to mention families............... and for some the dramatics, the tears, arguments oh the stress all for what ONE DAY this comes at a personal cost including all the indirect cost associated to it the least the bride can do is pay the dress its the least they can do for the honor.

seanaway · 19-07-2014 10:56PM

cuana wrote: »

I am all for people celebrating there love for each other & making it into a celebration but I'd rather be a guest.

Your roped into the whole damn journey, endless hours/days talking about weddings! engagement parties, themes, colors, guest lists, music, venues, wedding dresses, looking for wedding dresses, looking for bridesmaid dresses, dress fittings, hen parties, rehearsal dinners! not to mention families............... and for some the dramatics, the tears, arguments oh the stress all for what ONE DAY this comes at a personal cost including all the indirect cost associated to it the least the bride can do is pay the dress its the least they can do for the honor.

If it's such an 'honour' why is such a hassle?

cuana · 19-07-2014 11:02PM

seanaway wrote: »

If it's such an 'honour' why is such a hassle?

Exactly my point its a difficult one! I'm not sure honor is the right phrase to use. Its is lovely that they want you as part of there wedding but it also brings a bucket load of hassle.

Arbiter of Good Taste · 20-07-2014 10:49AM

seanaway wrote: »

Exactly. Let them choose.

It's a load of hype and nonsense anyway.

If you have friends who REALLY want to be your bridesmaids then tehy wil understand.

If tehy don't - they aren't worthy of being either friends or bridesmaids.

Seriously?

MammaZita · 20-07-2014 02:25PM

magicmushroom wrote: »

Hi all,

I just wanted to get an idea from others of what is reasonable to expect when it comes to bridesmaids.

Out of the following, would you expect the bridesmaids to pay for any or would you think the cost should be covered by the bride and groom?

Hair
Make-Up
Dress
Shoes

Haven't read the responses.

Bride pays for all of the above. Likewise groom dresses groomsmen (unless they're wearing their own suits).

Also if attending the wedding necessitates staying in a hotel (as opposed to the bridesmaid and groomsmen choosing to stay in the hotel), then this is also paid for by the bride and groom.

However, bridesmaid and groomsmen would (generally) reflect the fact that these expenses have been covered in the gift they give the couple.

lynski · 02-08-2014 10:53AM

whatdoicare wrote: »

I'm a bridesmaid for a wedding in a few weeks and it was sprung on me that id be paying for
Dress, shoes, hair and make up.

I decided that she's getting a budget, if I was a guest i wouldn't be buying a dress or getting hair and make up done and id normally give 150 as a present.

150 is her budget now, she wont be getting a gift, the stuff is now her gift. If she goes over the budget then I'm not paying the difference, she can pay it.

Its pure rude to demand anyone pay towards your wedding. If you want Bridesmaids, you pay for them or else let them wear what they want and do their own hair.

I know it is OT , but not sure where else to ask this:
I know the rest of this was spun off into another thread but that seems to have disappeared?
I wasn't 'following' it but I was checking in and out and was lining up the popcorn.
Is it gone?

Bridesmaid - who pays for what?

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