Ladies and Gentlemen:How do you reject/deal with rejection?

ToddyDoody · 09-07-2014 11:18PM

I kind of push those who have rejected me, and there's been a few, off my radar. When they stop giving me that regular kick, I tend to loose interest.

cloud493 · 09-07-2014 11:20PM

Avoid situations where I can be rejected, or I come home, put captain america or a good movie on, and sit here eating iced maedira cake. I keep it up in the draw under my bed.

Pawn · 09-07-2014 11:23PM

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Gentlemen:
How do you deal with advances you reject? How do you feel/react if you make the advances and they are rejected? If you ask someone out and have been rejected, is there any answer that the other person can say which lessons the blow? If you have been rejected, do you move on or do you push it?

- I'm honest and say how I feel about it.
- Meh, there are worse things in life.
- No. Tell me the truth and leave me alone.
- Move on. Never push: it's childish, annoying and makes the other person uncomfortable. Have you been rejected? Deal with it like a man.

Trebor176 · 10-07-2014 12:01AM

I've been rejected a number of times, and admittedly, it's got me down on occasions. It can be difficult to just move on straight away after. But, one thing that has occurred to me is that if there is someone a person is really into, they ask them out, they get rejected, then it hits harder than just going up to someone in a bar and getting rejected by them. Really not as big a deal in that case.

I've been reluctant to ask a girl out, perhaps out of fear of rejection. But, I guess I've become a bit braver if late. For example, I asked out a friend, who I have fancied for a few years, but couldn't act for various reasons. She said she's with someone, is flattered, would go for a drink with me, if things didn't work out. Not sure if she is actually with someone, though. Yeah, I was disappointed with being turned down, but I just don't feel so down about it as I might have done before.

I guess people do handle rejection in different ways, as has been proven in this topic. Some are able to just brush it off and move on. Others take it hard. Very few actually take it so bad that situations like this can be made worse.

EyeSight · 10-07-2014 12:34AM

So he asked you out, you said you've not got the money, he offers to pay - and you think he has some nerve and is being pushy?
You should have been more obvious in your rejection. To him you could have easily wanted to go but didn't have the money....

Maybe there was more to the story and tone definitely helps here. But a firm "No sorry i don't think that's a good idea" is an actual adult rejection.

Hotfail.com · 10-07-2014 12:42AM

EyeSight wrote: »

So he asked you out, you said you've not got the money, he offers to pay - and you think he has some nerve and is being pushy?
You should have been more obvious in your rejection. To him you could have easily wanted to go but didn't have the money....

Maybe there was more to the story and tone definitely helps here. But a firm "No sorry i don't think that's a good idea" is an actual adult rejection.

I'd kinda think this too tbh, if I was asking a friend to the cinema and they said they couldn't afford it I'd happily pay the extra few euro if I thought they were being genuine, wouldn't necessarily mean I'm interested in them or anything...

Sauve · 10-07-2014 12:44AM

Whenever I get rejected, I try to think of it as objectively as possible and not go down the whole "whyyy doesn't he waaant meeee" road. I believe in things happening for a reason, and can generally shrug it off with a cocky "the eejit doesn't know what he's missing :pac:"

If I'm turning someone down, a simple "thanks for asking, I'm flattered but I'm afraid it's a no" is generally all is needed. You can do it without being an arsehole and still get the message across. It's not easy to approach someone and I admire people who give it a shot

Talib Fiasco · 10-07-2014 12:44AM

The way I see it, rejection is a good thing in the way it prevents you wasting time with someone who is not interested... I firmly believe that and it certainly helps... Dating is a numbers game so every rejection gets you closer to your 'magic number'

It also helps being realistic... Some guys think that they can convince a woman to like them and for the vast majority of cases its never gonna happen...persistance is key when chatting up a woman who's being b*tchy for the sake of it but read the f*cking signs!

With regards to things a girl can say, the whole "I have a boyfriend" excuse is hilarious... I've found out that 9 times outta 10 she's talking bollix cuz you clearly have been talking sh*te to her too

Paddy Cow · 10-07-2014 01:51AM

EyeSight wrote: »

So he asked you out, you said you've not got the money, he offers to pay - and you think he has some nerve and is being pushy?
You should have been more obvious in your rejection. To him you could have easily wanted to go but didn't have the money....

Maybe there was more to the story and tone definitely helps here. But a firm "No sorry i don't think that's a good idea" is an actual adult rejection.

No read the op again. We were casually talking and he asked me why I was single, I said it was by choice ie not interested in dating and he started pushing the issue. Asked me to go to the cinema, I said it was out of my budget, he offered to pay and I turned it down as I felt like I would be leading him on as I know that a guy paying for you to go to the cinema is datezone and not friendzone. Unless you are taking the p!ss, I don't know how you could possible think I was giving this guy any other signals than "not interested".

EyeSight · 10-07-2014 02:50AM

Paddy Cow wrote: »

No read the op again. We were casually talking and he asked me why I was single, I said it was by choice ie not interested in dating and he started pushing the issue. Asked me to go to the cinema, I said it was out of my budget, he offered to pay and I turned it down as I felt like I would be leading him on as I know that a guy paying for you to go to the cinema is datezone and not friendzone. Unless you are taking the p!ss, I don't know how you could possible think I was giving this guy any other signals than "not interested".

Don't know why you're getting so defensive. I just don't see how you can accuse him of being pushy from that. You could have given a firm no and not just say you've no money

Paddy Cow · 10-07-2014 03:50AM

EyeSight wrote: »

Don't know why you're getting so defensive. I just don't see how you can accuse him of being pushy from that. You could have given a firm no and not just say you've no money

I'm not getting defensive, just trying to explain. We were chatting about relationships and I made it clear that I wasn't interested in dating and it was after that he was wanting to go to the cinema. Obviously it's hard to condense a real life conversation on the internet and retain all the context. I did say that I had no money and thought that would be the end of it but no, he told me that he'd take care of it. He was chancing his arm and it didn't pay off.

Lemsnip · 10-07-2014 08:13AM

Talib Fiasco wrote: »

The way I see it, rejection is a good thing in the way it prevents you wasting time with someone who is not interested... I firmly believe that and it certainly helps... Dating is a numbers game so every rejection gets you closer to your 'magic number'

It also helps being realistic... Some guys think that they can convince a woman to like them and for the vast majority of cases its never gonna happen...persistance is key when chatting up a woman who's being b*tchy for the sake of it but read the f*cking signs!

With regards to things a girl can say, the whole "I have a boyfriend" excuse is hilarious... I've found out that 9 times outta 10 she's talking bollix cuz you clearly have been talking sh*te to her too

There are two main reasons a woman tells you she has a boyfriend when you are chatting her up.

The first is she says because she isn't interested in you.

The second is that she is interested in you and wants to make you aware that you'll have to be discrete if anything is to happen as she actually does have a boyfriend.

Earthhorse · 10-07-2014 10:38AM

For the most part, I've been pretty pleased (and surprised) with how well I've handled rejection. I haven't asked too many girls out in my time and the answer has mostly been no. Most of the time they've been people I've known for a while and so the feelings are a bit more intense than if you just met them in a nightclub. I think there is almost a feeling of relief that you've asked though; even if the answer is no you can stop wondering about it and torturing yourself as to whether they fell the same.

There was one time though, where I acted like the guy in the OP. I was asking a girl from work out and her answer was the same as yours, that she wasn't interested in seeing anyone. I'd heard her say this before so I believed her but because I'd been too coy with women in the past and heard others say that sometimes you need to pursue a girl a bit, I decided to press my luck. Like yourself, OP, I can't relay the full conversation we had and though most of what she said indicated that she wasn't into me there were a few scraps that made me think maybe she was.

I think when you're in the mindset of looking for someone (and have a bit of drink on you) it's hard to get into the mindset of someone who isn't. I just wanted closure from her; to know there was nothing being left on the table. For some reason, it wasn't satisfying though (I never got that feeling of relief I had previously). In a way, I would have preferred if she had just said "Listen, I'm flattered, but I just don't see you that way". I think that's almost always the best answer to give because it's completely unambiguous.

The worst thing about this (for me) though, is that she was leaving the week after and I thought this would be the end of it. Only recently though (after around a year and a half) she rejoined and is managing some of the projects I'm on. It's tricky coming into work every day and seeing her; I feel a bit cringeworthy to be honest, though it is getting easier as time passes.

Maximus Alexander · 10-07-2014 10:40AM

It's not something I'll ever have to worry about because nobody would ever reject me, I'm much too excellent.

Wibbs · 10-07-2014 02:14PM

When I was a kid of 20 I got rejected a couple of times and to be fair to the women involved they were gentle about it, yet it hit me way out of proportion to how it should. When I realised this I changed tack and worked a couple of general rules since then:

1) Don't get involved emotionally before you're getting a return physically/romantically. If you're "falling in love" from afar, or "love at first sight", that sorta thing, dial that shít right back. And it is doable to do so.

2) Don't confuse lust with love or even affection. It's a very different feeling/emotion and it will fade and without anything more to back it up it'll die.

3) Remember that no woman is a "prize" just by virtue of the fact she's a woman and you fancy her. Any woman you get that vibe from, run and run far and run fast. Life is too short. A relationship involves two people who should be "prizes" for each other and the energy and effort should be going both ways.

4) Women aren't rare. They're half the population. Thems good odds Ted. So if one rejects you that leaves a couple squillion more with the potential to not reject you.

COYVB · 10-07-2014 02:22PM

The most important lesson to learn in life is how to fail hard and fail fast.

That's not to say you WANT to fail with anything, but not everything will succeed, so the quicker something fails, the quicker you move onto the next thing.

No different for potential relationships. Tie your flag to the mast and declare your interest as soon as you know it's there, don't mess around with dragging things out, if they're interested then deadly, and if they're not, you'll find out quickly and can get on with your life.

Tarzana · 13-07-2014 04:45PM

Wibbs wrote: »

3) Remember that no woman is a "prize" just by virtue of the fact she's a woman and you fancy her. Any woman you get that vibe from, run and run far and run fast. Life is too short. A relationship involves two people who should be "prizes" for each other and the energy and effort should be going both ways.

Agree with all the post but especially this. A relationship where one person is placed on a plinth seems a very uneven relationship to me.

Maximus Alexander · 14-07-2014 01:49PM

Tarzana wrote: »

Agree with all the post but especially this. A relationship where one person is placed on a plinth seems a very uneven relationship to me.

Don't put the pussy on a pedestal. TV, is there anything you don't know?

Irishcrx · 14-07-2014 02:19PM

Never really found it a big deal to ask someone out sometimes they say yes or sometimes they say no, their a plenty of people out there who would love to date you and there are plenty of people that wouldn't.

If rejected , take it on the chin don't act like a child and don't be rude, just move on or make a laugh of it quickly as that plenty more important thing's to be worrying out.

And to guys that are friendzones , know you are friendzoned and don't become hung up on it ruining a friendship , generally if you like a girl and want to ask her out do it quickly when you meet her before you get 'friended' and make it obvious your interested in her not her friendship.

WilyCoyote · 14-07-2014 02:22PM

I go home, get drunk and try and stab the inhabitants of my aquarium with a needle sellotaped to the top of my Garth Brooks biro.

WilyCoyote · 14-07-2014 02:24PM

Tarzana wrote: »

Agree with all the post but especially this. A relationship where one person is placed on a plinth seems a very uneven relationship to me.

But fellas that put women on a pedestal rarely knock them off :cool:

House of Blaze · 14-07-2014 02:40PM

The one time that springs to mind of being out and out rejected involved me arriving in to a hotel to ask if they had my coat which had been left behind a couple of nights previous.

There was this absolutely gorgeous red headed lass on at the time, and we struck up a conversation while I was waiting for the porter to have a look in the lost & found etc.

Chatted away for a few minutes till the guy came back without my coat and then I left after leaving my number in case it showed up.

As I was walking away I was thinking I would have loved to ask her out. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided that this was one of those situations which will either haunt you for the rest of your life, or be a proud moment to reflect on.

So, even though I was sh***ing bricks, I turned around and walked back in to ask her out.

She looked up and smiled, and then I pulled the old "Ok this is something I never do but..." and asked her if she wanted to grab a drink sometime. At which point she told me she had a boyfriend! So I stammered something like "well you can't blame a guy for trying anyway!" and scarpered out the door.

As I was walking away anyway my heart was still going crazy from embarrassment but it still felt pretty good to know I had the balls to do it in the first place. Just then though I got a text. Looked down at it and it was from an unknown number belonging to the girl behind the counter! She apologised for texting me since I had left my number there for the jacket but assured me that that had been one of the sweetest things she had ever come across, and that if she didn't have a boyfriend that she definitely would have gone out with me!

Felt like a legend after that! And still smile when I think about it.

Tarzana · 14-07-2014 02:48PM

WilyCoyote wrote: »

But fellas that put women on a pedestal rarely knock them off :cool:

Really? Man, I've seen loads of relationships implode due to unevenness. Being on a pedestal means you're held to higher standards. :pac: Farther to fall!

Temptamperu · 14-07-2014 03:34PM

http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Tobias-Funke-Crying-in-Shower-Arrested-Development.gif

sid waddell · 18-07-2014 04:38PM

Listen to The Cure, get drunk and write a love poem, which I put up on Facebook and which only she can see, then delete when I sober up, hold my head in my hands and mope. That's what I did last week anyway. Still holding my head in my hands and moping.

strobe · 18-07-2014 07:09PM

I'd much rather be the shootee than the shooter. Hate having to turn people down. I know people might not agree with this but (in one way at least) I think it's harder being the one doing the turning down as a man, girls in general (generally in general in a general way, generally, that enough, am I covered? ) I think just take it way harder and more to heart. I've had girls break down in tears and keep apologising as they run off. Least women don't have to deal with the person bloody crying. I don't want to make anyone upset or feel bad about themselves, makes me feel like crap , even when there's no intent on my part. Give me someone getting uppity or aggressive over that **** any day of the week.

PizzamanIRL · 18-07-2014 07:20PM

Your OP only left me thinking why did you have seperate parts for men and women at the end when both questions are identical.

PizzamanIRL · 18-07-2014 07:21PM

When I get rejected I cure world hunger. Yeah, that's right.

Wibbs · 18-07-2014 08:08PM

PizzamanIRL wrote: »

Your OP only left me thinking why did you have seperate parts for men and women at the end when both questions are identical.

Because men and women have different experiences as a general rule? The majority of the time it's women being "pursued". They're seen as the passive in the exchange.

However as per usual with human interactions that's not nearly so true. In a mixed environment like say a pub, niteclub, even in general life like an office environment, women are nearly always the ones to make the "first move", though it's subtle, a body language thing, a microgesture, a tell.

There have been a few of these studies done. This is a made for TV version from an old channel 4 documentary on the subject entitled "Body Talk". Wasn't a bad series and it's available on the Tube. Anyway this is a shortish clip from the above. The full version can be found here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBOtj1RmaUE

OK it's an artificial environment, but as a General Rule(tm) the ladies are in the driving seat of most relationships from start to finish*. As the old saw goes a man chases a woman until the woman lets him catch her. EG at the end many more women file for divorce than men and more women are the dumpers rather than the dumpees in relationships. They also discuss relationships far more than men. Not just romantic, but familial and social too. They're generally more plugged into the wider social network than men. A trait that means they have a lower risk of suicide, even though they have a higher risk of mental illnesses in general. They have wider support systems.

It would be my humble that again as a General Rule(tm) when a woman flips the dynamic and directly asks the man out it can throw the man off, because it feels somehow outa whack to the normal dance of things. The guy could well be very interested and still might run off, not quite sure why he's running. The damned fool.

I have been that damned fool back in the day. It would also explain why a guy just walking up to a woman out of the blue who hasn't fired out at least some signals may fall flat on his face, even if she would otherwise be interested. He's fecking around with the "dance".

*Though I disagree with his conclusions re the pair of women and the dynamic involved. Yes they were both firing out signals to beat the band at one guy, but only one was interested and it wasn't the "prettier one" firing the most signals. She's telling the truth at the end when she said she wasn't interested in the bloke(which the shrink doesn't seem to believe, after all he was reading her body language. Wood for the trees Ted, wood for the trees). She was subconsciously showing off to her "friend" by demonstrating she could get the guy the friend was interested in. You can sometimes see this dynamic with both men and women "friends" sometimes.

Macavity. · 18-07-2014 08:20PM

When you're not interested in someone just say it ffs. If someone had the courage to make an advancement on you, you should at least have the courage to say "I'm not interested" or "I feel I can do better" etc etc etc. None of this wasting time bull****.

Ladies and Gentlemen:How do you reject/deal with rejection?

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