Ladies and Gentlemen:How do you reject/deal with rejection?

Paddy Cow

So I just posted this on the "Trivial Things That Annoy You" thread and it got me thinking

Paddy Cow wrote: »

When casually chatting with a member of the opposite sex and the subject of being single comes up and you make it clear that you have no time for a boyfriend. He says you are just making excuses and I say I'm not, I simply have no interest in dating right now. He turns on the "charm" and asks me to go to the cinema. I tell him I don't have the disposable income right now (which is true) and I'd rather focus on the things that need sorting now, which will get me a better standard of living in the long run, than blowing money I don't have on seeing a movie that I could probably find on the internet if I really wanted to see it.

He then says "don't worry, I'll take care of that". No thanks. I've made it clear that I'm not into dating at the moment and a guy paying for me to go to the cinema is definitely moving from the friendzone to the datezone. It's not going to happen. Let it go. I admire your courage in putting yourself out there but please don't make it awkward after I've made it perfectly clear to you that I'm not interested by pushing the idea that we should do "date" stuff. I'm not going to change my mind. If you want to date someone, then find women who want to date.

What goes through the minds of guys when they are asking someone out and how do they handle rejection? I was clearly not interested in dating anyone, yet this guy kept pushing it. At first it was funny but then it just got annoying. I was polite and kept it casual but part of me wanted to tell him to fcuk off as I'm simply not interested. We were both sober at the time and he was quite pushy. If it had been in a nightclub setting where some men seem to think that alcohol turns them into a Casanova, and "ladies" loose their inhibitions, I think I'd probably have turned into one of those "stuck up b1tches" who spurned his advances and told him to fcuk off.

What do AH'ers make of the whole asking people out malarkey? On the one hand I commend people who have the balls to ask someone out but on the other it annoys me no end when someone thinks that asking you out and being told "sorry, not interested" (no matter how politely it is put across) means that they feel entitled to cross exam you to the point where you feel awkward.

So my questions are;

Ladies:

How do you deal with advances you reject? How do you feel/react if you make the advances and they are rejected? If you ask someone out and have been rejected, is there any answer that the other person can say which lessons the blow? If you have been rejected, do you move on or do you push it?

Gentlemen:

How do you deal with advances you reject? How do you feel/react if you make the advances and they are rejected? If you ask someone out and have been rejected, is there any answer that the other person can say which lessons the blow? If you have been rejected, do you move on or do you push it?

I know the questions are the same for both genders but I think the answers will be different. I'm all for equality but men and women are not the same. As a woman (I don't speak for all women) it gets on my goat how someone thinks that chatting me up means that I somehow owe them my time. No. I. Don't. I would be interested to hear if men get this same thing.

Hotfail.com

I cry.

That angel deserved to die

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Paddy Cow is a female?!?!

shruikan2553

Easiest thing to do is avoid situations where I can be rejected.

Sir Arthur Daley

You just have to deal with it and move on, your mind gets fucked up if you don't. It can be tough but one has to otherwise you get stuck in a rut.

minidazzler

Duracell Bunny wrote: »

Paddy Cow is a female?!?!

That's exactly what I said when I found out!

I don't get rejected. I don't reject people. It's an easy life :pac:

Frosty McSnowballs

Iv never really been rejected per se. Not because I'm gorgeous but because I never really conventionally asked anyone out. It always just kind of naturally progressed to that stage.

I have rejected people before, some take it worse than others but it's not something I'd be harsh with.

Cantremember

Christ Almighty. TLDR was invented for this OP.

stefan idiot jones

I turn all emotions into Hate.

Paddy Cow

Girth and Length wrote: »

OP how do you feel when you are rejected?

I cringe, try to save face, run away and plan my life around never seeing this person again

Girth and Length wrote: »

Personally I think you should just tell someone that you aren't interested in them romantically.

Telling someone you aren't looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend isn't as genuine as one could be. If a sexy celebrity that you are crazy about had asked you out would you have still said no as you weren't looking for a boyfriend.

Trust me, I am not a sexy celebrity and I did make it very clear to the guy that I am not on the market.

Girth and Length wrote: »

The truth is you just didn't find him attractive enough more than likely.

What a bizarre outlook. I made it clear from the beginning that I wasn't interested in anything and I never said anything about his looks (he is quite handsome). I'm not interested so he could be the most attractive man on the planet and I'd still have no interest. Is that really so hard for you to understand?

Muise...

I usually walk home in the rain, carrying my still-beating heart in a pint of ice. That actually goes for being the rejector as well as the rejectee. The awkwardness - death by a thousand little paper cuts.

My name is URL

The trick is to never even try

Tail Docker

Never asked anyone out in my life. Just got into a friendship, chatting, stuff happens, etc etc. I have never been single either, but then that's probably because I never hugely cared one way or the other. Walk down the street, sure there's women everywhere, how feckin hard could it be? I think URL summed it up.

Lou.m

Paddy Cow wrote: »

So I just posted this on the "Trivial Things That Annoy You" thread and it got me thinking



What goes through the minds of guys when they are asking someone out and how do they handle rejection? I was clearly not interested in dating anyone, yet this guy kept pushing it. At first it was funny but then it just got annoying. I was polite and kept it casual but part of me wanted to tell him to fcuk off as I'm simply not interested. We were both sober at the time and he was quite pushy. If it had been in a nightclub setting where some men seem to think that alcohol turns them into a Casanova, and "ladies" loose their inhibitions, I think I'd probably have turned into one of those "stuck up b1tches" who spurned his advances and told him to fcuk off.

What do AH'ers make of the whole asking people out malarkey? On the one hand I commend people who have the balls to ask someone out but on the other it annoys me no end when someone thinks that asking you out and being told "sorry, not interested" (no matter how politely it is put across) means that they feel entitled to cross exam you to the point where you feel awkward.

So my questions are;

Ladies:

How do you deal with advances you reject? How do you feel/react if you make the advances and they are rejected? If you ask someone out and have been rejected, is there any answer that the other person can say which lessons the blow? If you have been rejected, do you move on or do you push it?

Gentlemen:

How do you deal with advances you reject? How do you feel/react if you make the advances and they are rejected? If you ask someone out and have been rejected, is there any answer that the other person can say which lessons the blow? If you have been rejected, do you move on or do you push it?

I know the questions are the same for both genders but I think the answers will be different. I'm all for equality but men and women are not the same. As a woman (I don't speak for all women) it gets on my goat how someone thinks that chatting me up means that I somehow owe them my time. No. I. Don't. I would be interested to hear if men get this same thing.

Hey

If someone rejects me ... I tend to feel I need to retreat in embarrassment and shame.:o I don't push it to be honest it takes a lot for me to ask a guy out and if he says no I know he has no interest for me. Honestly no there is nothing someone can say to lesson the blow for you. I guess I feel hurt and embarrassed like everyone. It is tempting to sort of go 'Oh they are playing the hot and cold game or oh they are playing etc'. But to be honest they just wanted someone else. They will accept and go all out for another girl. And that's that. Oh sigh ....

I think my gripe with guys is that they chat up women off the bat or out of the blue and give false impressions of how much they are invested and then lay off. It is like playing or toying. They expect just to walk up to you with no introduction and hey 'number?'. It is kind of like being hit by a brick and you feel it is more about their ego than them actually liking you. I consider all genuine offers seriously. I think some guys half offer or state affections with a get out clause like oh I was drunk. And obviously that's not real. Have the time it is figuring out whether you will be lead on or not. Maybe they fear rejection so much or something.


I usually try to be very polite and friendly in rejections. (Not that I have millions to reject or anything:o)

But yeah I probably take rejection to heart really.

Paddy Cow

Cantremember wrote: »

Christ Almighty. TLDR was invented for this OP.

Sorry, forgot to add:

TL:DR Lads is there ever anything that a girl can say to you after you have tried it on that will make you go away, without damaging your self esteem or self respect?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Sorry, forgot to add:

TL:DR Lads is there ever anything that a girl can say to you after you have tried it on that will make you go away, without damaging your self esteem or self respect?

yeah. "I have syphilis"

tomwaterford

[QUOTE=Paddy Cow;91206427
Gentlemen:

• How do you deal with advances you reject?

How do you feel/react if you make the advances and they are rejected?


If you ask someone out and have been rejected, is there any answer that the other person can say which lessons the blow?



If you have been rejected, do you move on or do you push it?


.[/QUOTE]


grand..try to stay friends (doesn't happen often...getting advances:pac:)

not great...but sure you have to move on like!!!:(

nope....not really...just so long as its not f**k off I suppose

move on...always

Hotfail.com

Paddy Cow wrote: »

TL:DR Lads is there ever anything that a girl can say to you after you have tried it on that will make you go away, without damaging your self esteem or self respect?

"I'm afraid you'd hurt me in bed"

Paddy Cow

Girth and Length wrote: »

What celebrity do you find sexier nd more attractive than anyone else?

If he had asked you out would you have said no?

What?

No celebrity is going to ask me out so it's a mute point? And yes, believe it or not, it could be the most attractive man on the planet asking me out right now but I'm just not interested in dating so any man would fall flat on his face. Is that really so hard for you to believe??

Hotfail.com

Paddy Cow wrote: »

What?

No celebrity is going to ask me out so it's a mute point? And yes, believe it or not, it could be the most attractive man on the planet asking me out right now but I'm just not interested in dating so any man would fall flat on his face. Is that really so hard for you to believe??

You won't be saying that when Eamon Gilmore turns up at your door some wet Tuesday night.

tomwaterford

Hotfail.com wrote: »

You won't be saying that when Eamon Gilmore Dunphy turns up at your door some wet Tuesday night.

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Hotfail.com

Paddy Cow, seriously, move this thread to a more relevant forum, it actually looks like you want genuine answers.. Otherwise eejits like me are going to end up ruining it :rolleyes:

Paddy Cow

Girth and Length wrote: »

If some guy isn't taking the hint tell him explicitly that you don't want to talk to him.

LOL I've tried that and it doesn't work. You get told that you are playing "hard to get" blah blah. Seriously, I have outlined a situation to you where I was having a casual conversation where I said I was not interested in dating, one guy tried to date me and you have several excuses for this guy?????

Tail Docker

Paddy Cow wrote: »

LOL I've tried that and it doesn't work. You get told that you are playing "hard to get" blah blah. Seriously, I have outlined a situation to you where I was having a casual conversation where I said I was not interested in dating, one guy tried to date me and you have several excuses for this guy?????

So, you're a lesbian, right?

Paddy Cow

Hotfail.com wrote: »

Paddy Cow, seriously, move this thread to a more relevant forum, it actually looks like you want genuine answers.. Otherwise eejits like me are going to end up ruining it :rolleyes:

LOL Are you new to After Hours?

Lemsnip

Paddy Cow wrote: »

LOL I've tried that and it doesn't work. You get told that you are playing "hard to get" blah blah. Seriously, I have outlined a situation to you where I was having a casual conversation where I said I was not interested in dating, one guy tried to date me and you have several excuses for this guy?????

I didn't see any excuses for that guy, merely attempts to clarify if you genuinely were not interested in any form of romantic/sexual interaction at that point in time. That guy was clearly a moron as he wouldn't leave you alone.

Sir Arthur Daley

Paddy Cow wrote: »

LOL Are you new to After Hours?

Is that your best chat up line?

Hotfail.com

Paddy Cow wrote: »

LOL Are you new to After Hours?

Oh please, I don't want a girlfriend right now

Paddy Cow

Sir Arthur Daley wrote: »

Is that your best chat up line?

I'm a woman, I don't need chat up lines. I just stand suggestively beside the bar waiting for Prince Charming to come along and sweep me off my feet.




*Note: Prince Charming must meet these measures

---

Paddy Cow

Hotfail.com wrote: »

Oh please, I don't want a girlfriend right now

Probably not. It's a bit late at night for all that nagging........

Hotfail.com

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Probably not. It's a bit late at night for all that nagging........

That, and the World Cup's on :pac:

ToddyDoody

I kind of push those who have rejected me, and there's been a few, off my radar. When they stop giving me that regular kick, I tend to loose interest.

cloud493

Avoid situations where I can be rejected, or I come home, put captain america or a good movie on, and sit here eating iced maedira cake. I keep it up in the draw under my bed.

Pawn

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Gentlemen:

How do you deal with advances you reject? How do you feel/react if you make the advances and they are rejected? If you ask someone out and have been rejected, is there any answer that the other person can say which lessons the blow? If you have been rejected, do you move on or do you push it?

- I'm honest and say how I feel about it.
- Meh, there are worse things in life.
- No. Tell me the truth and leave me alone.
- Move on. Never push: it's childish, annoying and makes the other person uncomfortable. Have you been rejected? Deal with it like a man.

Trebor176

I've been rejected a number of times, and admittedly, it's got me down on occasions. It can be difficult to just move on straight away after. But, one thing that has occurred to me is that if there is someone a person is really into, they ask them out, they get rejected, then it hits harder than just going up to someone in a bar and getting rejected by them. Really not as big a deal in that case.

I've been reluctant to ask a girl out, perhaps out of fear of rejection. But, I guess I've become a bit braver if late. For example, I asked out a friend, who I have fancied for a few years, but couldn't act for various reasons. She said she's with someone, is flattered, would go for a drink with me, if things didn't work out. Not sure if she is actually with someone, though. Yeah, I was disappointed with being turned down, but I just don't feel so down about it as I might have done before.

I guess people do handle rejection in different ways, as has been proven in this topic. Some are able to just brush it off and move on. Others take it hard. Very few actually take it so bad that situations like this can be made worse.

EyeSight

So he asked you out, you said you've not got the money, he offers to pay - and you think he has some nerve and is being pushy?
You should have been more obvious in your rejection. To him you could have easily wanted to go but didn't have the money....

Maybe there was more to the story and tone definitely helps here. But a firm "No sorry i don't think that's a good idea" is an actual adult rejection.

Hotfail.com

EyeSight wrote: »

So he asked you out, you said you've not got the money, he offers to pay - and you think he has some nerve and is being pushy?
You should have been more obvious in your rejection. To him you could have easily wanted to go but didn't have the money....

Maybe there was more to the story and tone definitely helps here. But a firm "No sorry i don't think that's a good idea" is an actual adult rejection.

I'd kinda think this too tbh, if I was asking a friend to the cinema and they said they couldn't afford it I'd happily pay the extra few euro if I thought they were being genuine, wouldn't necessarily mean I'm interested in them or anything...

Sauve

Whenever I get rejected, I try to think of it as objectively as possible and not go down the whole "whyyy doesn't he waaant meeee" road. I believe in things happening for a reason, and can generally shrug it off with a cocky "the eejit doesn't know what he's missing :pac:"

If I'm turning someone down, a simple "thanks for asking, I'm flattered but I'm afraid it's a no" is generally all is needed. You can do it without being an arsehole and still get the message across. It's not easy to approach someone and I admire people who give it a shot

Talib Fiasco

The way I see it, rejection is a good thing in the way it prevents you wasting time with someone who is not interested... I firmly believe that and it certainly helps... Dating is a numbers game so every rejection gets you closer to your 'magic number'

It also helps being realistic... Some guys think that they can convince a woman to like them and for the vast majority of cases its never gonna happen...persistance is key when chatting up a woman who's being b*tchy for the sake of it but read the f*cking signs!

With regards to things a girl can say, the whole "I have a boyfriend" excuse is hilarious... I've found out that 9 times outta 10 she's talking bollix cuz you clearly have been talking sh*te to her too

Paddy Cow

EyeSight wrote: »

So he asked you out, you said you've not got the money, he offers to pay - and you think he has some nerve and is being pushy?
You should have been more obvious in your rejection. To him you could have easily wanted to go but didn't have the money....

Maybe there was more to the story and tone definitely helps here. But a firm "No sorry i don't think that's a good idea" is an actual adult rejection.

No read the op again. We were casually talking and he asked me why I was single, I said it was by choice ie not interested in dating and he started pushing the issue. Asked me to go to the cinema, I said it was out of my budget, he offered to pay and I turned it down as I felt like I would be leading him on as I know that a guy paying for you to go to the cinema is datezone and not friendzone. Unless you are taking the p!ss, I don't know how you could possible think I was giving this guy any other signals than "not interested".

EyeSight

Paddy Cow wrote: »

No read the op again. We were casually talking and he asked me why I was single, I said it was by choice ie not interested in dating and he started pushing the issue. Asked me to go to the cinema, I said it was out of my budget, he offered to pay and I turned it down as I felt like I would be leading him on as I know that a guy paying for you to go to the cinema is datezone and not friendzone. Unless you are taking the p!ss, I don't know how you could possible think I was giving this guy any other signals than "not interested".

Don't know why you're getting so defensive. I just don't see how you can accuse him of being pushy from that. You could have given a firm no and not just say you've no money

Paddy Cow

EyeSight wrote: »

Don't know why you're getting so defensive. I just don't see how you can accuse him of being pushy from that. You could have given a firm no and not just say you've no money

I'm not getting defensive, just trying to explain. We were chatting about relationships and I made it clear that I wasn't interested in dating and it was after that he was wanting to go to the cinema. Obviously it's hard to condense a real life conversation on the internet and retain all the context. I did say that I had no money and thought that would be the end of it but no, he told me that he'd take care of it. He was chancing his arm and it didn't pay off.

Lemsnip

Talib Fiasco wrote: »

The way I see it, rejection is a good thing in the way it prevents you wasting time with someone who is not interested... I firmly believe that and it certainly helps... Dating is a numbers game so every rejection gets you closer to your 'magic number'

It also helps being realistic... Some guys think that they can convince a woman to like them and for the vast majority of cases its never gonna happen...persistance is key when chatting up a woman who's being b*tchy for the sake of it but read the f*cking signs!

With regards to things a girl can say, the whole "I have a boyfriend" excuse is hilarious... I've found out that 9 times outta 10 she's talking bollix cuz you clearly have been talking sh*te to her too

There are two main reasons a woman tells you she has a boyfriend when you are chatting her up.

The first is she says because she isn't interested in you.

The second is that she is interested in you and wants to make you aware that you'll have to be discrete if anything is to happen as she actually does have a boyfriend.

Earthhorse

For the most part, I've been pretty pleased (and surprised) with how well I've handled rejection. I haven't asked too many girls out in my time and the answer has mostly been no. Most of the time they've been people I've known for a while and so the feelings are a bit more intense than if you just met them in a nightclub. I think there is almost a feeling of relief that you've asked though; even if the answer is no you can stop wondering about it and torturing yourself as to whether they fell the same.

There was one time though, where I acted like the guy in the OP. I was asking a girl from work out and her answer was the same as yours, that she wasn't interested in seeing anyone. I'd heard her say this before so I believed her but because I'd been too coy with women in the past and heard others say that sometimes you need to pursue a girl a bit, I decided to press my luck. Like yourself, OP, I can't relay the full conversation we had and though most of what she said indicated that she wasn't into me there were a few scraps that made me think maybe she was.

I think when you're in the mindset of looking for someone (and have a bit of drink on you) it's hard to get into the mindset of someone who isn't. I just wanted closure from her; to know there was nothing being left on the table. For some reason, it wasn't satisfying though (I never got that feeling of relief I had previously). In a way, I would have preferred if she had just said "Listen, I'm flattered, but I just don't see you that way". I think that's almost always the best answer to give because it's completely unambiguous.

The worst thing about this (for me) though, is that she was leaving the week after and I thought this would be the end of it. Only recently though (after around a year and a half) she rejoined and is managing some of the projects I'm on. It's tricky coming into work every day and seeing her; I feel a bit cringeworthy to be honest, though it is getting easier as time passes.

Maximus Alexander

It's not something I'll ever have to worry about because nobody would ever reject me, I'm much too excellent.

Wibbs

When I was a kid of 20 I got rejected a couple of times and to be fair to the women involved they were gentle about it, yet it hit me way out of proportion to how it should. When I realised this I changed tack and worked a couple of general rules since then:

1) Don't get involved emotionally before you're getting a return physically/romantically. If you're "falling in love" from afar, or "love at first sight", that sorta thing, dial that shít right back. And it is doable to do so.

2) Don't confuse lust with love or even affection. It's a very different feeling/emotion and it will fade and without anything more to back it up it'll die.

3) Remember that no woman is a "prize" just by virtue of the fact she's a woman and you fancy her. Any woman you get that vibe from, run and run far and run fast. Life is too short. A relationship involves two people who should be "prizes" for each other and the energy and effort should be going both ways.

4) Women aren't rare. They're half the population. Thems good odds Ted. So if one rejects you that leaves a couple squillion more with the potential to not reject you.

COYVB

The most important lesson to learn in life is how to fail hard and fail fast.

That's not to say you WANT to fail with anything, but not everything will succeed, so the quicker something fails, the quicker you move onto the next thing.

No different for potential relationships. Tie your flag to the mast and declare your interest as soon as you know it's there, don't mess around with dragging things out, if they're interested then deadly, and if they're not, you'll find out quickly and can get on with your life.

Tarzana

Wibbs wrote: »

3) Remember that no woman is a "prize" just by virtue of the fact she's a woman and you fancy her. Any woman you get that vibe from, run and run far and run fast. Life is too short. A relationship involves two people who should be "prizes" for each other and the energy and effort should be going both ways.

Agree with all the post but especially this. A relationship where one person is placed on a plinth seems a very uneven relationship to me.

Maximus Alexander

Tarzana wrote: »

Agree with all the post but especially this. A relationship where one person is placed on a plinth seems a very uneven relationship to me.

Don't put the pussy on a pedestal. TV, is there anything you don't know?

Irishcrx

Never really found it a big deal to ask someone out sometimes they say yes or sometimes they say no, their a plenty of people out there who would love to date you and there are plenty of people that wouldn't.

If rejected , take it on the chin don't act like a child and don't be rude, just move on or make a laugh of it quickly as that plenty more important thing's to be worrying out.

And to guys that are friendzones , know you are friendzoned and don't become hung up on it ruining a friendship , generally if you like a girl and want to ask her out do it quickly when you meet her before you get 'friended' and make it obvious your interested in her not her friendship.

WilyCoyote

I go home, get drunk and try and stab the inhabitants of my aquarium with a needle sellotaped to the top of my Garth Brooks biro.