Womens attitudes to previous sexual encounters see mod note post #1

Wibbs · 12-07-2014 10:01AM

seenitall wrote: »

I would have thought the link obvious, but maybe it isn't.

Generally, the more partners a person has, the more sexual styles, positions and preferences they will encounter and try out. For that to happen, they must be willing, and open to new sexual experiences. IME.

Or am I talking nonsense?

Nah

though quantity doesn't always beget quality. You can get someone with a high number who lays there like a dead starfish, or is a one pump chump.

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Most people view it that way, hence why cheating is pretty much universally abhorred. To get hung up about the past seems ridiculous though - and doubly so for the many lads who walk around with the insidious double standard that this rule doesn't apply to them.

OK let's look at this more deeply, albeit at the thumbnail sketch level as it's a big subject.

Why is cheating abhorred? At the very basic animal level it's down to reproduction and reproductive resources. If a woman cheats on a man any children she may have bring with them doubts over paternity, so a man may expend resources on a child that's not his. Before the modern age paternity couldn't be 100% established. Now maternity is a given, women always know the child is theirs for obvious reasons so why would a man cheating on a woman be an issue. Again resources. If he's off with another woman and pregnancy results then his resources are thinned out for both women, never mind that she could be exposed to sexually transmitted pathogens(women are far more vulnerable to STD's than men). "Ahh but it's the modern age with contraception and paternity tests and all that", sure but the human mind and instinct isn't even close to catching up.

So let's look at the high numbers and the double standard through this lens. Sex and reproduction is essentially a sellers market and women are doing the selling. Women drive the interactions. A man with a high enough number has value. More women chose him. More women took the risk of sleeping with him, even took the risk of pregnancy with him because of that value. The reptile brain is winning out. A woman with a high enough number is going to be seen by the same reptile brain as lower value. She is seen as less discerning, selling her value more cheaply. She is seen as more risky a prospect. You'll even see other women commenting on this and rarely in a good way. I've heard just as many women call "slut" as men. That's before we get to pathogen risk. As I said above women are more exposed to STD risks than men. Take HIV. The male to female transmission rate is far higher than the other way around. For obvious reasons. After unprotected sex a man leaves a package of fluid behind and any pathogens with it*.

The fact is this double standard didn't spring from nowhere. Yes it has a very large cultural influence, but vanishingly few cultures don't have this double standard. Actually I can't think of one. It's pretty much universal. This may certainly change with time and of course because humans are nothing if not reproductively adaptable there will be individual outliers in this, but the double standard doesn't exist in a vacuum.

* on the "safe sex" front. Someone with hundreds of sexual encounters is far more likely to have been exposed to pathogens. I find it interesting that on the one hand condoms aren't considered even close to foolproof as far as preventing pregnancy, yet suddenly become made from magic pixie wings where pathogen protection is concerned. Obviously they reduce the risk and should be used, but no way is it foolproof. Never mind all the other activities before and after intercourse that can be exposure routes. Dental dams and all that? Great in theory and I'm sure some people use em, but I've never seen them "in the wild". I've also noted on a purely personal experience level that women with high notch counts were much more likely to not have an issue with, even suggesting going "bareback" than women with low and that's on one night stand type encounters. I would bet the farm that a woman with a few hundred under her belt has not practiced safe sex with a fair percentage of that number.

h.bolla · 12-07-2014 10:02AM

Just to confirm or clear up a few things that I see got mentioned a few times.

Im not much of a ladies man and havent been with that many but compared to other women there wasn't any issues with emm..... wizard sleeves. And no, there was no mind blowing sex either that could have only come from years of experience.

As for the numbers.

She spent 3 years in Oz with her grandparents and it was in a party hotspot. It seems every second night was party night and its where she clocked up a lot of numbers. Thats where she had the 6-some and played lots of drinking games were she could end up having to lie on the table in front of everyone and masturbate for them or give someone a blowjob. She clocked up a chunk of her partners in Oz and mostly down to drinking games.

She left Oz and spent 2 years in London studying were basically her weekends started on Thursday and dont end until Monday. When she realised she couldnt pass college she came back to Ireland- all enlightened and mature from her travels - and I met her 6 months later.

I think when she met me she had given up on partying and wanted to really settle down and make a start on her career/family. Her plan is/was go to Dublin this September and go to college and get into councelling.

Yes I got tested the following week after the row and unfortunately all was not good

I know the feminists and PC brigade tell us otherwise, but in my mind, if you take someone to the bathroom in a nightclub and give them a BJ then yes that actually counts as a sexual partner and a sex act. I hate the attitude that it doesnt count unless its vaginal.

Oh and nearly forgot. Im fairly certain she didnt lie when she said I was her third boyfriend. But something someone else said that made me laugh, I dont want to be in a relationship were I need a solicitor to analyise every word and statement to make sure it really means what I think it means.

py2006 · 12-07-2014 10:15AM

username123 wrote: »

You just come across as sexist, misogynistic and insecure sexually

Ah here ffs! :rolleyes:

irish gent · 12-07-2014 10:27AM

I'd be gone this person has no morals.

strobe · 12-07-2014 10:28AM

Tbh OP, I think the most likely scenario is, after you threw your flaming hysterical hissy fit initially, she plucked the number 500 out of thin air and threw it out there mockingly, as shed already decided to break up with you.

irish gent · 12-07-2014 10:28AM

I'd be gone this person has no morals.

irish gent · 12-07-2014 10:30AM

I'd be gone this person has no morals.

py2006 · 12-07-2014 10:32AM

Wibbs wrote: »

*facepalm* Imagine that response with the genders reversed. Cue low level shítestorm.

Plus if this was reversed how many women would be happy finding out their boyfriend had 500 women before her including low level orgies and the like. Precious few.

Agreed.

Yet another double standard in society. You can tell from some of the female posters in here that they see it as an attack on women. How dare you question a womans lifestyle, how dare you be upset at being misled by a woman, you must be sexist, misogynistic etc etc

Flip the coin and a woman would run a mile....(probably rightly so)

The Wild Bunch · 12-07-2014 10:34AM

Why is it that the majority of females arn't bothered or obsess about their partners previous sex life, but yet most guys I talk to, myself included, get sometimes hung up on it?

Wibbs · 12-07-2014 10:36AM

py2006 wrote: »

Ah here ffs! :rolleyes:

It's a pretty standard reply in such cases. For all this recent interweb feminist* stuff about "shaming" this is a perfect example of it. Man disagrees with the prevailing opinion, women and sometimes other men suggest he's insecure and couldn't get/handle a real woman anyway. And he likely has a small penis. I find it both hilarious and ironic.

*of the US college women's studies type.

Wibbs · 12-07-2014 10:38AM

The Wild Bunch wrote: »

Why is it that the majority of females arn't bothered or obsess about their partners previous sex life, but yet most guys I talk to, myself included, get sometimes hung up on it?

See my longwinded post above. Basically it's a holdover from our reproductive evolution and near universal a double standard. It is what it is.

py2006 · 12-07-2014 10:49AM

username123 wrote: »

I dont have a daughter.

If I did have a daughter and it was underage sex I would not be happy.

If my daughter was of legal age to be having sex Id be happy for her to be doing whatever made her happy. If she was unhappy about what she did I would be unhappy. If she was happy with it, Id be fine with that too.

If she wanted to make pornographic films I would support her decision. I may not want to make pornographic films but that doesnt make someone who does wrong, it just makes them different to me.

I genuinely mean the above, Im really not bothered by what other people want to do with their own bodies.

I think if you had a daughter your attitude may change.

catallus · 12-07-2014 10:52AM

344 posts! The infernal legacy of unbridled promiscuity is the demon seed that threatens our moral hubris.

Down with this sort of thing.

py2006 · 12-07-2014 10:54AM

Hazys wrote: »

lol at the overly PC crowd. If you love her, her past shouldn't matter. I don't care how many people my partner slept with before me, etc. Such BS.

In a perfect PC world where nobody has insecurities and emotions don't come into play then those statements are true.

But get a grip, a partner having 500 previous sexual partners is a lot for one person just to brush off. Does it make her a b1tch like the OP said? No. Does it make her a bad person? no of course not but its a lot to take.

I can imagine whats going through the OP's mind; Every time he is at the bar looking around who here has his GF had sex with? Why such an abnormal amount? Was it a problem? Sex Addiction? Diseases?

You can get over it if your partner has had a couple, a handful, a couple dozen or whatever but 500? c'mon! You can call the OP an insecure fool but it would have to be the world's most secure person to just brush off 500 sexual partners regardless of gender.

Anyway, i think the rule of thumb is if can't handle the answer, don't ask...but i suspect 500 is a lot of anybody to take.

Here here!

py2006 · 12-07-2014 11:18AM

Magaggie wrote: »

Any guys who do have sex with her despite being disgusted with her promiscuity are total hypocrites though, seeing as they're actively contributing to this promiscuity that causes them such disgust.

I think any man who has sex with her knowing her past would not be disgusted by her.

Panthro · 12-07-2014 11:34AM

@ h.bolla
If I were you, I wouldn't pay any heed to the suggestions of narrow mindedness, insecurities, etc etc that's being said in this thread. You are who you are and you've dealt with it how you feel most appropriate, and you're absolutely 100% entitled to do so.
My point is there is no right/wrong way to deal with something like this, everybody has their own set of morals, our own tipping points for what is/is not acceptable in a relationship. There is no set of rules or upper limits for what we must find acceptable, it's very much a case of "each to their own" as it were.
She's dropped a bombshell on you which clearly you weren't expecting and it's not one you can get over. That's 100% fine. Don't let outside influences dictate to you what you can or can not handle. At the end of the day, you'd be the one lying next to her. Not society, not a billion different set of opinions. And if in your heart of hearts you're not comfortable being there, don't be there, simple as.
You've done nothing wrong here, your views on what you think is acceptable in a relationship are not wrong, at the end of the day we all individually set our own bars when it comes to relationships so let anyone who tries to tell you otherwise or who attacks/mocks your ideals and beliefs to go and royally fcuk themselves.
FWTW, I'd have done the exactly the same thing, thrown a (probably even bigger!) hissy fit and Usain Bolted in the other direction as fast as my little legeens would carry me.

buried · 12-07-2014 11:39AM

hatrickpatrick wrote: »

Most people view it that way, hence why cheating is pretty much universally abhorred. To get hung up about the past seems ridiculous though - and doubly so for the many lads who walk around with the insidious double standard that this rule doesn't apply to them.

And how could you possibly know the OP is one of these "lads" who you just threw that kind of tired, lame, generalization at? Its clear from his post that the OP doesn't have any interest in the kind of random, promiscuous, sexual activity his partner has had so where's the "double standard" there??. And again, whats the problem with him distancing himself from someone with those particular sexual traits which are not compatible with his own?

LordNorbury · 12-07-2014 11:50AM

Read the OP, have to say, I've been single a few years, haven't been out chasing anything serious, but have been dating regularly & consistently, between online dating and offline dating, since I've been single.

I have to say that in my experience, there would be absolutely nothing unusual whatsoever, about a girl having had threesomes (either with two guys or with a girl/guy), and this emerging on conversation after a few dates. It would be a 50:50 thing, where half of girls you'd meet when dating these days would have engaged in a threesome at some stage or another, usually to experiment and try it out as an experience. As for a girl having a fúckbuddy, this would be completely and totally normal for any single girl or guy today.

As for "friends with benefits", or "fúckbuddies", if you are single for any length of time, this is simply part of the experience I think, and is actually a very healthy thing, as thankfully, we are not living in a sexually repressed age where you are expected/threatened to abstain from normal natural human urges, unless you are of a very particular status when it comes to a relationship.

If I'm dating a girl and after a few dates we are being intimate with each other and this kind of stuff comes up for discussion, I'd have a LOT more respect for a girl who was telling me she used to have a few fúckbuddies while she was single, or who had a healthy sex life, notwithstanding the fact that she was single, than a girl who was telling me about a 2 year long famine I had just busted for her. Think about this for a second, why on earth should sex only be for the married or the truly besotted?

I'm single 5 odd years and I can tell you that I'd have a substantially better sex life than many of my married mates. Why would I feel the need to be mortified about that, and if I was a girl, why would/should I feel any differently?

Whatever about a girl having a romp with 6 guys, this would maybe still be a bit of an eyebrow raiser by any standard, but you being surprised that she had fúckbuddies as a single girl, or that she might have had a few threesomes, this is what I whould consider to be very normal these days, and I'd be honestly fairly surprised that you would see a wrong in those things.

EDIT: But maybe you would have to be coming from a certain experience in life, as in my own case, single a good while, to see these things as normal. If you were coming from a relationship and had never really been single, maybe what is normal in the context of a single lifestyle, would not be viewed as normal if you had not been single and seen how the world turns these days for single people. There would have been a time where my fairly casual life today, would not have sat very easy with me, when I was much younger and coming out of a serious long term relationship...

py2006 · 12-07-2014 11:56AM

Personally, I would be very put off by this scenario and certainly wouldn't engage any further. (for the PC/Feminists of you I am not saying everyone should have my morals).

I met a girl over a year ago (now a good friend). We met up a couple times for drinks and at that stage I wasn't sure if we were going to be dating or just become friends. She started telling me about her past/current lifestyle which made me uneasy about a potential relationship. What eventually convinced me is that in the local town she didn't want to go into certain pubs as there was too many previous 'friends' in there and one night we were out for a drink and I noticed a fair few guys looking over at us throughout the night. I could tell they knew her but she wasn't acknowledging them and they were wandering if I was her boyfriend. This made me uncomfortable to say the least and I really wanted to leave. Throughout the evening about 4/5 guys said hi to her and when I asked were they her colleagues or friends or whatever she explained they were previous encounters.

So this killed any thoughts I had of entering a relationship with her but we became good friends and that is fine. Now, it became apparent to me over the last year that her choice of lifestyle is because she is unhappy with the lack of love, children and a husband in her life. She is over drinking and looking for attention from men regularly. Yes she likes sex but it is quite obvious there are mental health problems there.

Now that scenario is diff to the OP because I knew about it and chose not pursue a relationship (other than friendship) with her. But to learn that kind of info after being lead to believe otherwise deep into a relationship is an absolutely bombshell to say the least and to criticise the OP for his reaction is beyond ridiculous. Everyone would be in shock to learn this of their partners.

Shakespeare's Sister · 12-07-2014 11:58AM

I don't think the OP was being critical of having a friend (or friends) with benefits, just the number overall.

Why LordNorbury would you have less respect for a woman who hasn't had sex for two years? There might be nothing to it, she might just not have met someone she was interested in having sex with for two years.

Aurora Green · 12-07-2014 11:59AM

Magaggie wrote: »

Heh, I don't. Going by posts to this thread alone. The phenomenon of thinking a promiscuous woman is a skanky slapper but still "availing of her services" is not a myth.
The thing of "I'll stay interested if she doesn't put out" exists too. It's excruciatingly paradoxical because it's "I'll stay interested if she doesn't put out with me". If there's such a concern with her "putting out" then why accommodate her "putting out".

Because they like sex, but they don't like "easy" women for relationships.

Shakespeare's Sister · 12-07-2014 12:00PM

py2006 wrote: »

it became apparent to me over the last year that her choice of lifestyle is because she is unhappy with the lack of love, children and a husband in her life.

"Lack of a husband" - not even "lack of relationship", but "husband".

(I'm not one of the ones being critical of the OP, but find the above sentence amusingly quaint - it's like auld ones saying "Dear, you'll never find a husband if you carry on that way.")

py2006 · 12-07-2014 12:03PM

Magaggie wrote: »

"Lack of a husband" - not even "lack of relationship", but "husband".
(I'm not one of the ones being critical of the OP, but find the above sentence amusingly quaint - it's like auld ones saying "Dear, you'll never find a husband if you carry on that way.")

Hah, well it is true here. She wants to be married and have children. She was married before.

LordNorbury · 12-07-2014 12:08PM

Magaggie wrote: »

I don't think the OP was being critical of having a friend (or friends) with benefits, just the number overall.

Why LordNorbury would you have less respect for a woman who hasn't had sex for two years? There might be nothing to it, she might just not have met someone she was interested in having sex with for two years.

I think that was a bad choice of word on my part, when I used the word "respect"... Respect is the wrong word to use there, I would just find it unusual or maybe indicative of someone who would possibly have a different set of needs than I would consider myself to have, in terms of intimacy or sex.

There is nothing wrong with someone who hasn't had sex for 1-2 years, but it is fairly unusual I think in the current times we are living in. I have met women when dating, who have said to me that they have never had sex outside of the context of a proper committed relationship, and have been single for a year or more, and this would not be a first date conversation, this would be us getting on well and staying in touch and this conversation emerging in the context of a friendship.

I have never stated this to someone, (maybe for the very same reason the OP's partner was a bit coy about sharing her previous sexual experiences), but I would find someone who claims to have never had sex outside of a relationship, to be possibly very prudish. I don't like to generalise, so I'm not saying I would put everyone into the same box in that sense, but it wouldn't really be for me I have to say.

EDIT: I meant to say in addition to the above, obviously if you are in a long term relationship and break up, there is nothing unusual about not wanting to be intimate with someone else for a long period of time, etc...

Shakespeare's Sister · 12-07-2014 12:11PM

LordNorbury wrote: »

I would find someone who claims to have never had sex outside of a relationship, to be possibly very prudish.

That's just... nuts.

The eroding of sexual repression is great, but sometimes it's just replaced with views that are equally narrowminded.

Some people simply enjoy sex way waaaaaay more with someone whom they have intense feelings for, therefore one-night stands are pretty unexciting in comparison. Prudishness doesn't even come into this. If anything they've probably done really freaky stuff with their partner.

The Wild Bunch · 12-07-2014 12:11PM

So what's the best way to get over a current partners dalliances with her ex?

We broke up for a month over Xmas and she was straight back with him for the festive season before we got back together in January

LordNorbury · 12-07-2014 12:15PM

Magaggie wrote: »

That's just... nuts.

The eroding of sexual repression is great, but sometimes it's just replaced with views that are equally narrowminded.

Well that has been my experience I have to say... I'm by no means stating that everyone who is single like myself, should make it their policy to be out there chasing casual sex every weekend, but if you are dating regularly, then it just happens, as sure as night follows day, because the vast majority of the time, the two people, the guy and the girl, actually want it to happen, unless one person is operating a policy of not letting it happen until a month or two after meeting someone, which I think would be beyond the patience of most people these days...

Frank Lee Midere · 12-07-2014 12:16PM

LordNorbury wrote: »

Read the OP, have to say, I've been single a few years, haven't been out chasing anything serious, but have been dating regularly & consistently, between online dating and offline dating, since I've been single.

I have to say that in my experience, there would be absolutely nothing unusual whatsoever, about a girl having had threesomes (either with two guys or with a girl/guy), and this emerging on conversation after a few dates. It would be a 50:50 thing, where half of girls you'd meet when dating these days would have engaged in a threesome at some stage or another, usually to experiment and try it out as an experience. As for a girl having a fúckbuddy, this would be completely and totally normal for any single girl or guy today.

As for "friends with benefits", or "fúckbuddies", if you are single for any length of time, this is simply part of the experience I think, and is actually a very healthy thing, as thankfully, we are not living in a sexually repressed age where you are expected/threatened to abstain from normal natural human urges, unless you are of a very particular status when it comes to a relationship.

If I'm dating a girl and after a few dates we are being intimate with each other and this kind of stuff comes up for discussion, I'd have a LOT more respect for a girl who was telling me she used to have a few fúckbuddies while she was single, or who had a healthy sex life, notwithstanding the fact that she was single, than a girl who was telling me about a 2 year long famine I had just busted for her. Think about this for a second, why on earth should sex only be for the married or the truly besotted?

I'm single 5 odd years and I can tell you that I'd have a substantially better sex life than many of my married mates. Why would I feel the need to be mortified about that, and if I was a girl, why would/should I feel any differently?

Whatever about a girl having a romp with 6 guys, this would maybe still be a bit of an eyebrow raiser by any standard, but you being surprised that she had fúckbuddies as a single girl, or that she might have had a few threesomes, this is what I whould consider to be very normal these days, and I'd be honestly fairly surprised that you would see a wrong in those things.

EDIT: But maybe you would have to be coming from a certain experience in life, as in my own case, single a good while, to see these things as normal. If you were coming from a relationship and had never really been single, maybe what is normal in the context of a single lifestyle, would not be viewed as normal if you had not been single and seen how the world turns these days for single people. There would have been a time where my fairly casual life today, would not have sat very easy with me, when I was much younger and coming out of a serious long term relationship...

There might be a reason you are single. If sex is so easy for single people ( and I tend to discount a lot if Internet chatter - my guess is 3 domes are rare) then why would people settle down or assume other people would settle down? Why assume that someone will be promiscuous with 500 partners unlit 29 then stick with one?

LordNorbury · 12-07-2014 12:24PM

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

There might be a reason you are single.

There is a reason I'm single, it's because I want to be, I love my single life and am extremely happy as a single guy.

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

If sex is so easy for single people ( and I tend to discount a lot if Internet chatter - my guess is 3 domes are rare) then why would people settle down or assume other people would settle down? Why assume that someone will be promiscuous with 500 partners unlit 29 then stick with one?

I think 500 sexual partners isn't a real figure that you can base proper considerations upon. The point doesn't really stack up I think, I have had some really long term relationships, that were proper committed relationships that I was extremely happy in, that was before I was single.

I'm single at the present time and my life is configured very differently from how it was when I was in a relationship, I have fúckbuddies, I have female friends that I met on dating sites (who are not fúckbuddies), I go on new dates regularly and I meet new people.

Nothing in the paragraph above, would be compatible with a proper meaningful relationship. By that, I mean that if I met a girl I was mad about in the morning, and these feelings happened to be reciprocated, I'd obviously have to completely reconfigure my life, as a girlfriend isn't going to run with fúckbuddies and me hanging out with female friends that started off as dates, etc. I would have absolutely no problem whatsoever making that effort and doing that transition, for the right girl, but I have not met such a person in the last few years.

But does that mean that I am somehow wrong for enjoying a healthy single life today? I think not...

diveout · 12-07-2014 12:24PM

seenitall wrote: »

I would have thought the link obvious, but maybe it isn't.

Generally, the more partners a person has, the more sexual styles, positions and preferences they will encounter and try out. For that to happen, they must be willing, and open to new sexual experiences. IME.

Or am I talking nonsense?

Not necessarily so. Depends on the person, depends on the chemistry, depends on a whole lot of variables.

Its not a numbers game. Some promoscious people are only in it for the validation and attention, and not so much the other person.

The whole numbers obsession- ugh- sex is over rated- sensuality completely underrated.

Womens attitudes to previous sexual encounters see mod note post #1

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