Why do you want/ not want children?

Malari · 01-05-2014 07:14PM

I really don't see anyone with a "really aggressive attitude". Even some with kids are saying they are not fond of other people's, so it's certainly not an anti-child brigade or anything. And of course there are children around everywhere, that's not a issue, but if someone wants to have a nice dinner I see no reason not to choose a table that isn't next to a toddler or baby. Some parents (and I have experienced this more than once) see no problem with their child virtually begging at the neighbours' tables and I'd rather not put myself in that position. I prefer going to the cinema at a time when I know it won't be full of kids either, because of the noise, disruption, etc.

Having said that, I have several friends with children and I have no problem interacting with them when it's necessary. If you think that's vitriolic Lazygal, you might have a pretty low tolerance for it?

Susie564 · 01-05-2014 07:49PM

This thread has taken an odd turn!

I've been reading it with interest as like some of the other posters I don't have that much interest in children. I'm 33 and single but have no great desire to have children. When I answer no to the "don't you want to have children?" question I get that funny look that says - but you're female, in your thirties, you MUST want children!:D It's so great to know I'm not the only one!! I avoid kids parties if I can, and like others have posted would prefer not to be seated next to children in restaurants/cinema etc., but no one has yet accused me of being similar to a racist/bigot!

I often wonder if I am to meet the man of my dreams :rolleyes: maybe I might want to have a family, so who knows. I also do think though that because I don't have that desire to have children maybe I'd make a crap mum. I have 4 niblings who I love but I don't coo over them or other babies, it's just not me. I spend time with them (some, not a lot) and I'm a good auntie. I'm pretty sure they love me too. It drives me mad when someone has a kid and all of a sudden that's all they think about and talk about. One of my sisters is like that the other one isn't. And I have friends who are both ways too - so it's not like if you have a kid you have to do this. If it is then I definitely don't want to have any - I think it would drive me nuts :eek:

Addle · 01-05-2014 08:00PM

The last few posts are the reason why I never (identifiably) answer the question 'do you want kids?'.
If you say yes and don't have them, some people will forever feel sorry for you.
If you say no, some people think there's something wrong with you!

meeeeh · 01-05-2014 09:39PM

lazygal wrote: »

It's the really aggressive attitude to not wanting any interaction with children that I don't get. If you said this about any other groups I don't think you'd get away without being challenged on it.

Except the old people.

Judging by this thread I was really blind to the plight of people being chased by crazed parents throwing their kids at them to kiss them, they hear them crying at parties, people talk about their kids and, oh the horror, they even talk to other parents. And the restaurants, the restaurants!!! There is not a child free McDonald's in the country. How is one supposed to enjoy the gourmet food they serve?

Seriously. You don't want children. Fine. Almost every 22 year old doesn't and then the percentage falls through the decades but it is still significant amount. Child free people are not some endangered species, far more than half of my friends in thirties don't have kids and I don't know if they ever will. Surprisingly enough they are still my friends and I don't throw my precious little darlings at them to kiss them or puke on them at every opportunity. We even manage to go out without kids and find restaurants that serve grown up food and are 90% of the time child free. And we also manage to talk about subjects such as politics, economy, movies, even art. Not kittens though, none of my friends have cats so there has to be something wrong with them.

Malari · 01-05-2014 09:54PM

meeeeh wrote: »

Except the old people.

Judging by this thread I was really blind to the plight of people being chased by crazed parents throwing their kids at them to kiss them, they hear them crying at parties, people talk about their kids and, oh the horror, they even talk to other parents. And the restaurants, the restaurants!!! There is not a child free McDonald's in the country. How is one supposed to enjoy the gourmet food they serve?

Seriously. You don't want children. Fine. Almost every 22 year old doesn't and then the percentage falls through the decades but it is still significant amount. Child free people are not some endangered species, far more than half of my friends in thirties don't have kids and I don't know if they ever will. Surprisingly enough they are still my friends and I don't throw my precious little darlings at them to kiss them or puke on them at every opportunity. We even manage to go out without kids and find restaurants that serve grown up food and are 90% of the time child free. And we also manage to talk about subjects such as politics, economy, movies, even art. Not kittens though, none of my friends have cats so there has to be something wrong with them.

I'm not seeing a prevalence of the attitude you are parodying on this thread at all.

meeeeh · 01-05-2014 10:06PM

Malari wrote: »

I'm not seeing a prevalence of the attitude you are parodying on this thread at all.

So do you want quotes from those who discovered that they are not the only person on the planet who doesn't want kids after reading this thread? From those who were slobbered all over by toddlers dumped on them by ignorant parents? From those who eat in McDonald's? Or just from those who think that love for kittens, babies and carrots is all the same (not including vegetables would be bigoted)?

username123 · 01-05-2014 10:09PM

I'm kinda baffled by the odd overly defensive judgemental attitudes on display.

bronte · 01-05-2014 10:12PM

username123 wrote: »

I'm kinda baffled by the odd overly defensive judgemental attitudes on display.

Happens in every thread CF gets mentioned. They get totally derailed. Always by the same posters too.

username123 · 01-05-2014 10:14PM

bronte wrote: »

Happens in every thread CF gets mentioned. They get totally derailed. Always by the same posters too.

Really? Ah feck, if I'd known that I'd never have bothered posting.

lazygal · 01-05-2014 10:14PM

username123 wrote: »

I'm kinda baffled by the odd overly defensive judgemental attitudes on display.

Me too. I must hang out with some very unusual parents. And childfree people.

bronte · 01-05-2014 10:15PM

username123 wrote: »

Really? Ah feck, if I'd known that I'd never have bothered posting.

There's always reddit!

username123 · 01-05-2014 10:15PM

lazygal wrote: »

Me too. I must hang out with some very unusual parents. And childfree people.

If the carry on here is reflective of what parenting does to a person, well, I'll just add it to my list of reasons!!

Sauve · 01-05-2014 10:17PM

Mod

The sniping and off-topic posting stops here. Please and thank you.

lazygal · 01-05-2014 10:17PM

username123 wrote: »

If the carry on here is reflective of what parenting does to a person, well, I'll just add it to my list of reasons!!

What carry on? What does parenting do to a person? I can't say I've changed who I am that much because I've procreated.

lubie76 · 02-05-2014 12:08AM

lazygal wrote: »

It's the really aggressive attitude to not wanting any interaction with children that I don't get. If you said this about any other groups I don't think you'd get away without being challenged on it.
I'm personally not mad on children, but I'm realistic enough to know that if I go outside the door they're part of life. There's certain groups of adults I'm not keen on but I'll just get on with interactions with them.

Lazygal. Children are just small humans and so cannot be compared to an ethnic minority group. I don't think that people are saying that they dislike all children just that they don't really identify with them as they have nothing in common with them and as such don't enjoy time in their company .. It's nothing personal against every child and people should make their own choices about who they give their time to.

I love my nieces and nephews but wouldn't be bothered with any other kids including friends children but wouldn't say I dislike them more that I have no interest in them.

eviltwin · 02-05-2014 07:33AM

I can kinda see what Lazygal is trying to say. Its okay to say you don't like kids, if you were to say however that you hate being around the elderly for instance it would be considered rude. There is more of an acceptance that children are annoying even though any human regardless of age has the capacity to be a pain.

I can understand though people who don't want to be around children, I personally only spend time with other children to facilitate my son, I wouldn't choose to be around them if I could avoid it. Most kids are great and I've never encountered the brats that some people describe but they can be a bit much sometimes. Its the things that make kids a great, interesting and unique part of the human race that can also make them highly irritating.

WarOnDrugs78 · 02-05-2014 08:29AM

Look up "This Be The Verse" by Philip Larkin on YouTube. It sums up my opinion on this debate.

username123 · 02-05-2014 09:02AM

eviltwin wrote: »

I can kinda see what Lazygal is trying to say. Its okay to say you don't like kids, if you were to say however that you hate being around the elderly for instance it would be considered rude. There is more of an acceptance that children are annoying even though any human regardless of age has the capacity to be a pain.

By the same token that I wouldn't book a child friendly holiday though, I also wouldn't book a OAPs holiday. I don't think there is anything wrong with that? I just wouldn't be into what's on offer for either group.

While I understand that some posters don't agree with the perspective that some of us have no interest in being around children, I cannot agree that (a) that implies there is something wrong with some of us and (b) that it is "vitriolic" to have such a view.

It is interesting that the points of view on this thread range from wanting and really liking being around children through liking your own through not wanting to have any but not minding being around them through to not wanting to have or be around them, and the only view that is drawing disrespect, judgemental attitudes and defensive responses is the view of not wanting to have or be around children.

Why is that?

Is it reflective of society, the view that somehow something is wrong with you if you are female and not interested in children? I'd hoped we had matured more as a society tbh.

If I posted some of the posts here but directed them at those who want and like children I'd be red carded. Particularly the parody of attitudes that were not even on display.

meeeeh · 02-05-2014 10:01AM

eviltwin wrote: »

I can kinda see what Lazygal is trying to say. Its okay to say you don't like kids, if you were to say however that you hate being around the elderly for instance it would be considered rude. There is more of an acceptance that children are annoying even though any human regardless of age has the capacity to be a pain.

I can understand though people who don't want to be around children, I personally only spend time with other children to facilitate my son, I wouldn't choose to be around them if I could avoid it. Most kids are great and I've never encountered the brats that some people describe but they can be a bit much sometimes. Its the things that make kids a great, interesting and unique part of the human race that can also make them highly irritating.

Just to make it clear that statement about old people was a joke.

I actually completely understand why people don't like children. I think more accurate description would be don't like being around children because you can't like or not like something if you don't know it. (But that is more semantics). But the thing is before I had my own I held one baby in my arms. I didn't even realise that child menus exist or that Tesco sell kid clothes. I just don't buy the whole hoopla how much discomfort other people's children cause. And I also don't appreciate being told how miserable I am supposed to be because I have kids and how much nuisance people with kids are supposed to be to their childfree friends. All that is in my opinion greatly exaggerated. I think people often blame kids for putting distance between them and their friends without realising that their friends are at different stage of life anyway and that they will either have to adapt or find friends at the similar stage of life.

sambuka41 · 02-05-2014 10:41AM

meeeeh wrote: »

I actually completely understand why people don't like children. I think more accurate description would be don't like being around children because you can't like or not like something if you don't know it.

I don't think you have listened to what has been said, you are making assumptions there. Most people on this thread who have said that they do not want to have kids, know well what is involved and have made an INFORMED decision not to have any. Respect it.

meeeeh wrote: »

I just don't buy the whole hoopla how much discomfort other people's children cause.

And you don't have to, but you can at least respect that some of us here are expressing our opinions and experiences, believe them or don't.

meeeeh wrote: »

And I also don't appreciate being told how miserable I am supposed to be because I have kids and how much nuisance people with kids are supposed to be to their childfree friends. All that is in my opinion greatly exaggerated.

I don't think anyone said YOU personally were miserable, you are clearly not miserable with kids, and fair play to you. But I agree with the observation of the others who have noted that some of their friends with children are not happy, I have seen it myself, but I also have friends who are very happy with their families.

Addle · 02-05-2014 10:48AM

I find it funny the amount of posters who say they only have genuine time for their own kids.

How you feel about other kids is how others feel about yours!

meeeeh · 02-05-2014 11:57AM

sambuka41 wrote: »

I don't think you have listened to what has been said, you are making assumptions there. Most people on this thread who have said that they do not want to have kids, know well what is involved and have made an INFORMED decision not to have any. Respect it.

And you don't have to, but you can at least respect that some of us here are expressing our opinions and experiences, believe them or don't.

I don't think anyone said YOU personally were miserable, you are clearly not miserable with kids, and fair play to you. But I agree with the observation of the others who have noted that some of their friends with children are not happy, I have seen it myself, but I also have friends who are very happy with their families.

Find me one quote where I objected to people not having kids. I objected to making sweeping statements about parents, kids and to comparing kids to animals. The last one is a big bug of mine. Not having kids doesn't make you a bad person, not having animals doesn't make you a bad person, equaling animals to people makes you an idiot. I can't be more clear. Although I have a feeling this post will be ðeleted.

pwurple · 02-05-2014 11:59AM

It's the language being used which bothers me. People aren't saying they don't like noise, or mess... they are saying they don't want to speak to children, etc. It's rude imo. Just as rude as saying you don't want to speak to any other group.

Children are as perceptive as anyone else to not being liked. Pre-judging whether you like someone or not based on their age or any other attribute is bigotry.... By very definition. And perhaps if people are are running into surprise or annoyance in their day to day lives when expressing something that sounds exactly like bigotry, they might want to consider how they phrase it in the future. It might just be that they don't like noise or mess etc, not that they actually hate all children, no matter who they are or what they are like.

Like i said earlier, we don't all have to get on... but i don't assume every child is a little brat and refuse to even speak to them before knowing them.

username123 · 02-05-2014 12:13PM

I cant find any posts on this thread where anyone says they dont want to speak to children?

Nor do I see any posts where anyone assumes that every child is a brat?

Nor do I see any posts where anyone says they refuse to speak to children?

Could someone point those posts out for me please?

02-05-2014 12:24PM

*cough*

Sauve wrote: »

Mod

The sniping and off-topic posting stops here. Please and thank you.

This is a not so gentle reminder to stop at each others' throats. There are one or two posters here who will be banned if they carry on the way they are, I'm pretty sure you know who you are.

This is the final on thread warning that will be given.

Malari · 02-05-2014 12:27PM

Going back to the OP's original question about why you do or don't want kids, I wonder if there's a genetic component to not wanting them. My siblings are not having kids either!

Addle · 02-05-2014 12:31PM

Malari wrote: »

Going back to the OP's original question about why you do or don't want kids, I wonder if there's a genetic component to not wanting them. My siblings are not having kids either!

Maybe it's a reflection on how you were raised?

My siblings don't share my mindset.

Malari · 02-05-2014 12:33PM

Addle wrote: »

Maybe it's a reflection on how you were raised?

My siblings don't share my mindset.

I don't think so. Well, not that I know how you would raise a child not to want kids, but I was in a happy home with parents I loved and still have an excellent relationship with.

Gongoozler · 02-05-2014 01:04PM

I've wondered that myself. I've also wondered if it's a possible genetic flaw. I don't want children either, and I don't mean this in anyway to be offensive, but in terms of progressing the human race and continuing the line, it doesn't make sense for so many not to want children.

I'd be very interested to see any studies done on genes and anything about people who don't want children.

My mother would've wanted children under different circumstances, same as my sister probably for the first one at least. And I get the feeling the same for my brother. (Apparently my brother and sister didn't learn much from our parents!)

I have been sure of not wanting children for a few years now. I'm kinda afraid something biological will kick in in the coming years that'll make me feel different. I don't want to want children either. I like my freedom way too much, and it's way too much hard work being responsible for some little (or big) thing.

Addle · 02-05-2014 01:35PM

Malari wrote: »

I don't think so. Well, not that I know how you would raise a child not to want kids, but I was in a happy home with parents I loved and still have an excellent relationship with.

My parents set the bar very high when it comes to providing for their children.
I couldn't do, or more often not do, what they did.

Why do you want/ not want children?

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