The Friend Zone

draiochtanois · 13-01-2014 02:19PM

This post has been deleted.

Snako · 13-01-2014 02:24PM

In the naivety of youth, I blindly allowed myself to become viciously as you call it "friend zoned", falsely harboring hopes at romance, while also making a totally less than pathetic attempt to achieve this.

My sympathy for your friend would be dependent on his age, under the assumption that we become wiser with time.

But as the thread is going he needs to bite the bullet, walk away, or as he might and probably will do, wait, continue, and have a heart full of pain and regret.

Be a friend and give him a sharp jab in the balls and tell him to cop on.

He will thank you later

czechlin · 13-01-2014 02:26PM

draiochtanois wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Lol!! But... he actually got with Joey in the end :P

13-01-2014 02:30PM

Friend Zone = Girl/Guy who doesn't know what they want so surround themselves with people with different qualities or options.

glass_onion · 13-01-2014 02:33PM

Its All Wright wrote: »

This! She does exactly this except when people comment & tell her she looks "fab" or "amazing" she replies with stuff like "would you stop, you look amazing hun" etc

Just to clarify my remark *before i get myself into trouble*.i know there's folk with real low self esteem and social media can give them positivity and build their esteem.Then there's plain vanity.

dgt · 13-01-2014 02:49PM

Its All Wright wrote: »

She get quite flirty with him, ive heard her say to him stuff like "you would make a great boyfriend" & "why cant all lads be as nice as you". He would literally do anything for her & he does..he goes the bar for her on nights out, holds her jacket or even walks her home but nothing ever happens!

Your friend is a total doormat. Tell him to get a pair. He'll just keep getting friendzoned....

stpaddy99 · 13-01-2014 02:55PM

Its All Wright wrote: »

I know a girl, shes a fairly good looking & gets a lot of attention from the lads. She is single but would have no problems getting a boyfriend & i know she has had numerous offers or advances recently. Anyway long story short one of my mates is really interested in her and in fairness they get on great, i think they would make a great couple cause they share a lot of similar interests & have a great laugh together. She get quite flirty with him, ive heard her say to him stuff like "you would make a great boyfriend" & "why cant all lads be as nice as you". He would literally do anything for her & he does..he goes the bar for her on nights out, holds her jacket or even walks her home but nothing ever happens!

Hes a cool lad, such a gent but hes too blind to see whats going on. Ive tried to suggest to him that hes in the friend zone & nothing will ever happen, he plays it down but hes like a dog chasing a bone. Shes tried these things with me when i first met her & i knew what she was trying to do so i didnt fall into it, im mates with her but i dont give her any attention, i think that bothers her a bit cause shes used to every lad falling over her. I do think shes gorgeous but i pretend i have no interest & she probably respects that more than lads falling over her.

Anyway..have you ever been a victim of the friend zone & girls why do you torture lads with this?? Fair enough be good mates with a lad but dont pretend you like him & give him hope!

is this story about you?

kylith · 13-01-2014 02:57PM

I only realised recently that I 'friendzoned' a pile of lads back in the day. At first I felt kind of bad but, thinking on in further;
1) As far as I was concerned I had friends who were guys. I saw this as a good thing.
2) If they couldn't be arsed to ask me out that was THEIR problem.
3) What, so if I don't take my knickers off because you go for coffee with me I'm some kind of bitch? Like I owe you sex for being nice to me?
4) Girls get friendzoned too you know. You know how I handled it? I accepted that he wasn't interested, got the frack over it, and moved on with my life.

And did you ever stop to think that having non sexual relationships with the opposite sex is a good thing? You learn how to communicate better, and you get insights into the way men/women think that will help you dating in future.

Some of my best friends are guys. I enjoy hanging out with them more than I enjoy hanging out with most women.

kidneyfan · 13-01-2014 03:02PM

It is the boys responsibility to ask the girl out and to risk rejection by doing that.

Plazaman · 13-01-2014 03:06PM

Its All Wright wrote: »

My mate has passed up good opportunities with woman on nights out incase it ruins his chances with her, before he met her he wouldnt have taught twice about. I can tell its eating away at him

Well if he want's to sissify himself around her being Mr Nice and "hoping" something happens, then the status quo will prevail.

Otherwise, he should man up, break out the bad boy inside himself and he'll be eating away at her in no time.

Shrills · 13-01-2014 03:08PM

A lot of victim blaming going on in this thread, victim blaming I completely agree with, he's a plank.

As a man, hoping something happens with women is braindead, men need to take action and make things happen.

Its All Wright · 13-01-2014 03:15PM

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

I know I'm a bit late getting in here but for feck sake, not this again. This friend zone talk is a load of balls, and that's being kind about it. You don't even know if your friend made a move or not, you're just assuming and making this girl out to be something bad because of it. Its possible she just likes the attention, yeah. Its also possible she's genuinely insecure and doesn't realize this lad is interested in her. She could be waiting for him to make a move. Friend zone = lads whining because they're unable to be straight with their feelings about someone. Tell your friend to grow a pair and do something about this. If she returns his feelings, great, if not, and she continues to act the same around him, he needs to distance himself from her. Simple.

Who says its a bad thing? Yes she is playing with a persons emotions but some people just crave attention. I dont understand why someone would do it but the person who falls for it is equally to blame.

To clear a few things up:

My mate has told me he likes her.
Do i know that hes confessed his love to her? No
Ive seen him make little moves on her that are very suggestive.
She keeps giving that bit of hope that keeps him interested.
I dont think he wants to put all his cards on the table incase it backfires.
I started this thread to talk about the Freind Zone in general & was only giving the situation i know of an example.

Knex* · 13-01-2014 03:21PM

Its All Wright wrote: »

Who says its a bad thing? Yes she is playing with a persons emotions but some people just crave attention. I dont understand why someone would do it but the person who falls for it is equally to blame.

To clear a few things up:

My mate has told me he likes her.
Do i know that hes confessed his love to her? No
Ive seen him make little moves on her that are very suggestive.
She keeps giving that bit of hope that keeps him interested.
I dont think he wants to put all his cards on the table incase it backfires.
I started this thread to talk about the Freind Zone in general & was only giving the situation i know of an example.

There's the issue. Scrap all else on the table, and deal with this.

If he is already at the point where his feelings for her is having a negative effect on his life, such as passing on other women because he's so hopelessly invested in this one, then not actually telling her is fucking madness.

In his scenario he has two options; either make a move, or return his man card and be stuck with his torment for ever.

Wibbs · 13-01-2014 03:21PM

Its All Wright wrote: »

She keeps giving that bit of hope that keeps him interested.

Then if he has any sense he needs to drop her like a hot rock.

kidneyfan · 13-01-2014 03:27PM

Sounds like he doesn't have the guts to ask her out and is just waiting around hoping she'll get drunk enough that he can rub himself against her leg until he has an emission.

Tell him to ask her out on a 'date' and make his feelings clearl.

kylith · 13-01-2014 03:31PM

Wibbs wrote: »

Then if he has any sense he needs to drop her like a hot rock.

He could be completely misreading her. For all we know these 'bits of hope' could be accepting drinks he buys her or accepting his invitations to go places. The trips to the cinema, for example, that he sees as quasi-dates she might just see as two friends going to the cinema.

RDM_83 again · 13-01-2014 03:43PM

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Your friend is a walkover. I have no sympathy for him.

Would you be as harsh to a woman thats being sleeping with a guy that has no intention of having a serious relationship but she keeps doing it. This happens a lot too but people are much more sympathetic to it even though its just the otherside of the same coin

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

I know I'm a bit late getting in here but for feck sake, not this again. This friend zone talk is a load of balls, and that's being kind about it. You don't even know if your friend made a move or not, you're just assuming and making this girl out to be something bad because of it. Its possible she just likes the attention, yeah. Its also possible she's genuinely insecure and doesn't realize this lad is interested in her. She could be waiting for him to make a move. Friend zone = lads whining because they're unable to be straight with their feelings about someone. Tell your friend to grow a pair and do something about this. If she returns his feelings, great, if not, and she continues to act the same around him, he needs to distance himself from her. Simple.

Its not such an easy thing always though, one of my friends has been in and out of the friendzone for a years with the same girl.
He knew the situation he was in and a while back made his feelings really clear, and she said maybe but not now. So he kept hanging around with her. Recently he told her he can't hang around with her anymore because its not good for his head, I'm not blaming the girl either she's a nice person.
But what people sometimes don't seem to get is that as well as being in the friendzone he is/was actually good friends with her, so the cutting contact thing isn't the same as walking away from somebody you fancy, though its the best thing for him and thankfully he seems to be sticking to it.

ps Personally I don't think I have ever been in the friendzone, when I was a young guy in college I found the trick was to mentally focus on some flaw and that killed any attraction on my part while not getting in the way of actually being friends (this probably makes me sound like a psycho though

)

Its All Wright · 13-01-2014 03:47PM

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

You say you think shes toying with him and using him for attention. How could that be anything but a bad thing? It's possible thats all shes doing. Its also possible that she just wants to be his friend and genuinely doesn't realise hes all that into her.

He told you he likes her, that means nothing though. Unless you went on and told her and even then, shes not exactly going to fall hopelessly in love with a man who can't even say this to her face himself.
Making little moves is something that could be taken as friendly behaviour as well though. I mean are we talking about hugs and little taps on the leg here, or are we talking about moving in for the shift? If its the latter, fair enough, but if its the former, its not really making a move.
Basically everything you say makes it sound like hes acting vaugely interested without actually going for it. Essentially the same thing as you're saying shes doing to him. Yet for some reason shes the bad one here. Why? I'm not saying this to put the guy down by the way, I'm speaking from experience, I've been that guy who was too afraid to just go for it and instead moaned about being in the friend zone, and put all the blame on the girl. You know what though? 9 times out of ten, I found out a few years down the line that she was very much interested but was just as bloody nervous about it as I was. Think about it. There are a lot of lads out there who will act interested in a girl only to completely mess her around. I'm sure your friend isn't one of those, but the key here is she doesn't know that.

As for the friend zone in general, its a toxic way to look at things. Most people I see talking about it make the girl out to be a target, and react to her befriending them as the worst thing in the world. I've had one serious relationship in my life, lasted about 5 years. Guess what? We were friends first. Unless your friend only wants this girl for a one night stand I see no reason why friendship should be viewed as a negative.

TLDR: It sounds like your friend and this girl are acting pretty much the same towards each other and thats not going to change unless he makes a move. Also, friendzone = BS.

The freiend zone does exist, i think your naive if you dont think it does. There is plenty of lads/girls chasing people who love the chase. Does this make them a bad person? No of course not. As i said some people enjoy the attention, its good for their self esteem & it makes them feel good. They dont see themselves being anything more than friends with that person but they like having the interest & attention so they give that person a glimmer of hope that something may happen. If you let someone take advantage of you like that then your at fault, but i also dont understand why people crave the attention either

In this situation my mate has not grabbed her & tried to shift her but he would have his arms around her, be cuddled up next to her or be all over her on the dancefloor but when things are going a bit too far she takes a step back

Its All Wright · 13-01-2014 03:51PM

RDM_83 again wrote: »

Would you be as harsh to a woman thats being sleeping with a guy that has no intention of having a serious relationship but she keeps doing it. This happens a lot too but people are much more sympathetic to it even though its just the otherside of the same coin

Its not such an easy thing always though, one of my friends has been in and out of the friendzone for a years with the same girl.
He knew the situation he was in and a while back made his feelings really clear, and she said maybe but not now. So he kept hanging around with her. Recently he told her he can't hang around with her anymore because its not good for his head, I'm not blaming the girl either she's a nice person.
But what people sometimes don't seem to get is that as well as being in the friendzone he is/was actually good friends with her, so the cutting contact thing isn't the same as walking away from somebody you fancy, though its the best thing for him and thankfully he seems to be sticking to it.

ps Personally I don't think I have ever been in the friendzone, when I was a young guy in college I found the trick was to mentally focus on some flaw and that killed any attraction on my part while not getting in the way of actually being friends (this probably makes me sound like a psycho though )

Agree with all that, there good mates & enjoy each others company & i think both would hate to throw that away but she knows what shes doing. You can be great mates with woman but dont lead people on to give them the impression they can be more than that

Muise... · 13-01-2014 03:51PM

RDM_83 again wrote: »

Would you be as harsh to a woman thats being sleeping with a guy that has no intention of having a serious relationship but she keeps doing it. This happens a lot too but people are much more sympathetic to it even though its just the otherside of the same coin

Yes, I would. Maybe foolish men see relationships as a game, and foolish women think of men as projects, but it amounts to the same folly and any friend of mine who can't cop on and comes wailing to me gets the bluntest of answers.

Fukuyama · 13-01-2014 03:55PM

Most people have been "friend zoned" once, although I don't call it that. That term seems to be reserved for horny internet addicts who can't understand that being 'nice' in return for sexual favours isn't a good "strategy".

My only experience with this was a couple of years ago now. Stupid crush which I knew wouldn't materialise into anything, yet I did let her string me along for a couple of months.

Then one day i get a very "girlfriendy" text off her and decide "wtf am I doing here..." and rapidly cut contact. Just remained civil.

I have known lads who seem to aim for the friendzone however. And then complain about it. :rolleyes:

Zubeneschamali · 13-01-2014 03:59PM

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

However, when people talk about the 'friend zone' its generally a rant by a guy who has been turned down by some woman, and is making her out to be an awful person because of it.

Funnier, it's usually a rant about how they always end up in the friend zone, and all women are awful.

Everyone's out of step but me!

Fukuyama · 13-01-2014 04:05PM

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

The friend zone exists in the sense that sometimes peoples advances will be rejected and friendship happens instead of sex. I don't think anyones trying to claim that doesn't happen. Yes, people will also respond positively to people being interested in them, because feeling wanted is a pretty damn good feeling. However, when people talk about the 'friend zone' its generally a rant by a guy who has been turned down by some woman, and is making her out to be an awful person because of it. As if all women who aren't interested are cruel and manipulative. I realise this isn't what you're saying, but thats the general implication the term 'friend zone' has. I don't think I've ever seen a woman complain about being friendzoned by a man They tend to just accept the fact they're friends and move on.
What you're saying doesn't sound like him making a solid move though. I do all of those things with good female friends.

In my experience, people that actually use the term friend zoned in real life never make a move/let their feeling be known.

They just start performing boyfriend duties in the hope that she'll start performing "girlfriend duties".

I've cringed when I've heard how an acquaintance of mine walked the girl he's fancied for well over two years home after a night out, give her his jacket, carry her handbag etc...etc... He'll jump at the chance to go shopping with her, he'll run errands for her, help her study, text regularly etc... Always on hand to be a knight in shining armour should the slightest of things happen in her day...

She knows well what she's doing and actively pursues other men in the meantime. I think she just likes having a "friend" that's a guy, who'll do her bidding, keep her company and never 'complicate' things.

Despite numerous "suggestions" that he should move on or at least make a move... nothing. The middle ground of being a trodden upon man-bitch that nobody could respect is apparently better than five seconds of rejection.

RDM_83 again · 13-01-2014 04:11PM

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

What you're saying about your friend there is basically that she didn't want to date him but he kept going for it anyway. She made it perfectly clear it wasn't happening at that moment in time, its not her fault he kept pushing it. Maybe she did have genuine feelings for him, but they weren't strong enough. Or she didn't believe he was as interested as he said. Or she just wanted to be single at that moment in time. The way you're portraying it is also a possibility, but those others I've mentioned are equally likely, along with plenty of other scenarios I haven't thought of.
I don't really understand what you mean by saying 'as well as being in the friendzone he was really good friends with her'. Just because their relationship wasn't evolving past the friendship stage doesn't mean shes doing anything wrong. Should she have said theres no hope for the future to avoid giving him false hope? Maybe, but theres always a possibility she genuinely thought things could work out in the future.

I made the point in the post that I don't blame her for this situation..
But my point is, while its not her fault and it must be pretty crap situation for her too, is that even if these things are the case my friend had to consider himself and the impact it was having on his happiness and it was a difficult situation for him because I am trying to point out people in the friendzone don't necessarily consider the "friendzoner" as simply an object of attraction they can be genuinely good friends.
As an aside he waited a considerable period after making his feelings clear so I am not sure that this

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

Should she have said theres no hope for the future to avoid giving him false hope? Maybe, but theres always a possibility she genuinely thought things could work out in the future

is that likely a situation

Its All Wright · 13-01-2014 04:16PM

An example would be a situation about myself..i was mates with a girl, got on pretty well, i made a move & she said what are you doing. After that we both knew were we stood, moved on & remained good mates. Shes moved to Canada now though, perhaps to get away from me

but she could have taken advantage of knowing that i did fancy her and strung me along, but she didnt. wasnt awkward either & we joked about it. Some people love that a person fancies them and even though there not equally interested they dont want to let them go, they want to keep that person interested cause they enjoy being liked. Who doesnt, it makes you feel good

Fukuyama · 13-01-2014 04:16PM

RDM_83 again wrote: »

As an aside he waited a considerable period after making his feelings clear so I am not sure that this

is that likely a situation

Most relationships I've been in have come about as a result of friendship - but it's because I didn't fancy them in the beginning. It takes me AGES of knowing someone before I even bother taking notice of them. Just my personality...

However, when attraction is there from the get go it's best to act on it. If you don't, and you miss the boat, well then you've put yourself in the "friendzone".

RDM_83 again · 13-01-2014 04:26PM

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

You made that point, sure, but the general tone of your post portrays the lad as a victim and her as the one in the wrong. Its a difficult situation for him, sure, we've all been there and I don't mean to take away from that. He was absolutely right to make the decision to cut her off, difficult as that may be. Maybe I'm picking you up wrong but you just seem to be implying that shes done something wrong, despite the fact its just a lousy situation for all involved.

Ah to be honest part of it is that I am a much closer friend to himself than I am to her so I see the difficulty the situation caused him while I haven't seen it from her side.
Also I don't think she was totally blameless he brought her to a party a while back and my GF was wondering who the girl that was being flirty with X was (she knew about the situation but had confused her with a different girl).
But that being said if he didn't feel that way her being a bit flirty wouldn't be an issue, I am not denying that it was issues that caused a problem just pointing out that its not a simple case of walking away from attraction its also walking away on a friendship.

Its All Wright · 13-01-2014 04:28PM

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

Thats the thing though, you made a move. Your mate on the other hand, seems to be treating this girl as a good friend. thats the difference.

While i dont think hes said Im about you to her face, imo he has made his feelings clearly known in other ways and she is well aware of how he feels. If you seen then you would think there a couple, inseperable & constanly flirting. Another thing is during all of this, she has been with 2 other lads but she wouldnt tell him this, if they were best mates im sure she would share that with him. Id say she knows it would also crush him too

Wibbs · 13-01-2014 04:42PM

RDM_83 again wrote: »

Would you be as harsh to a woman thats being sleeping with a guy that has no intention of having a serious relationship but she keeps doing it.

I would. I even nicknamed it Bonkzone(tm)Wibbs Two sides of the same coin and equally daft. Indeed while men generally grow out of friendzone guff by 30, I've known quite the number of women in Bonkzone even in their 30's.

Doctor Strange · 13-01-2014 04:47PM

The friendzone is a load of bollocks. "Oh no, that girl won't sleep with me. What an evil bitch, putting me in the FRIENDZONE!!!" *dramatic music*

It was a concept dreamt up by morons who think they're entitled to sex because "they're a nice guy". You are *friends* with a girl. She didn't put you anywhere. She just didn't have the same level of interest.

The Friend Zone

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