Your most embarrassing sex story

Daveysil15 · 31-12-2013 03:06PM

manlad wrote: »

Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

Ahh here, it must have been an almighty load for it to make a 'splat' sound. Even a direct cum shot would be unlikely to make such a noise.

DeanAustin wrote: »

Also was with a hooker and paid for an hour thinking I was the world's greatest stud. She broke me within a few minutes and as I was getting my shoes on she said "You've paid for the hour, we can do something else".

You mean you paid for the hour and you didn't even go for round 2? :eek:

happyviolet · 31-12-2013 03:39PM

Jarrod wrote: »

That happened a friend of mine too.

Unrelated, but my friend had a pet snake and for months, he kept waking up with the snake lying next to him. After a while he got a bit freaked out waking up with the snake stretched out next to him so he went to the vet. The vet said that the snake was sizing my friend up to eat him and that he was just checking if he was big enough yet.

**** that is so weird, because the exact same thing happened to my sister's friend too! God snakes are creepy. :eek:

ButtersSuki · 31-12-2013 03:42PM

happyviolet wrote: »

**** that is so weird, because the exact same thing happened to my sister's friend too! God snakes are creepy. :eek:

Urban myth BS.

Now if you're talking Trouser Snake, the story is getting better!

DeanAustin · 31-12-2013 03:46PM

Daveysil15 wrote: »

You mean you paid for the hour and you didn't even go for round 2? :eek:

After barely getting off my stool before being KO'd in round 1, I thought it best to quit while I was behind.

Serious overestimation of my stamina. In fairness it had been 3 months since I'd had a shag.

smurgen · 31-12-2013 03:48PM

Ex gf fainted when we were riding in the shower before,nearly ripped my dick off!

Daveysil15 · 31-12-2013 03:54PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdA_hgmKAqo

Paddy Cow · 31-12-2013 04:06PM

Brego888 wrote: »

I love these it was my "friend" not me stories.

Ha! I knew someone would think that I was the "friend" but I'm not. I'm a woman and I've never peed on someone (or myself) before. Maybe women won't admit to it but I've heard loads of stories of guys being drunk and peeing in places that are socially unacceptable (this was the worst though).

ButtersSuki · 31-12-2013 04:36PM

smurgen wrote: »

Ex gf fainted when we were riding in the shower before,nearly ripped my dick off!

Anal?

Whoops, just re-read that. You said "fainted", not "farted"! :rolleyes:

Brego888 · 31-12-2013 06:31PM

ButtersSuki wrote: »

Anal?

Whoops, just re-read that. You said "fainted", not "farted"! :rolleyes:

I read that as farted too!

fussyonion · 31-12-2013 06:37PM

jockeyboard wrote: »

I demand clarification of this....how was poo in there?! Or was it just in her knickers? Also was that really you?

Wasn't me. I dunno how poo got there, she said it got squashed or something. Either way it's gross.

GalwayGuy2 · 31-12-2013 06:44PM

Wasn't me. I dunno how poo got there, she said it got squashed or something. Either way it's gross.

Wait do you mean got pushed out and then went back in.

Or stayed in and went...through?

fussyonion · 31-12-2013 06:47PM

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

Wait do you mean got pushed out and then went back in.

Or stayed in and went...through?

Surprisingly I didn't actually ask for any more details, I'd heard enough!

Galwayguy35 · 01-01-2014 06:24AM

I must be very square, no interesting stories like others here have.

Only thing I can think of happening was getting a BJ from this wan in the car of a pub carpark and an ould fella on his was home looked in the window.

lau1247 · 01-01-2014 11:49AM

fussyonion wrote: »

Wasn't me. I dunno how poo got there, she said it got squashed or something. Either way it's gross.

Poo + ham = kidney infection yaaay

Did she have that, cos it would explain a lot, still funny story

Daveysil15 · 01-01-2014 12:04PM

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

I must be very square, no interesting stories like others here have.

Only thing I can think of happening was getting a BJ from this wan in the car of a pub carpark and an ould fella on his was home looked in the window.

Sorry about that.

My new years resolution is to stop looking in car windows.

eigrod · 01-01-2014 12:44PM

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

I must be very square, no interesting stories like others here have.

Only thing I can think of happening was getting a BJ from this wan in the car of a pub carpark and an ould fella on his was home. looked in the window.

The importance of those last 4 words

Daqster · 01-01-2014 02:07PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wq5wvLwD5Nw

Eoin247 · 01-01-2014 05:42PM

manlad wrote: »

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

That from one guy? Are you sure there weren't at least five other guys in the room?

franknrol · 01-01-2014 06:13PM

after the pub one night, an hour into what can only be described as treadmill sex (all go and getting nowhere), the ex dried out a little too much and i felt a snap and a burning sensation raced through my flute. pulled out, only to reveal me knob covered in blood and the banjo string split. god i hate drunk sex.:o

kunst nugget · 02-01-2014 01:08PM

franknrol wrote: »

after the pub one night, an hour into what can only be described as treadmill sex (all go and getting nowhere), the ex dried out a little too much and i felt a snap and a burning sensation raced through my flute. pulled out, only to reveal me knob covered in blood and the banjo string split. god i hate drunk sex.:o

Christ, I won't be able to uncross my legs for the day. I'm having phantom pains just reading that.

suicide_circus · 02-01-2014 01:46PM

franknrol wrote: »

after the pub one night, an hour into what can only be described as treadmill sex (all go and getting nowhere), the ex dried out a little too much and i felt a snap and a burning sensation raced through my flute. pulled out, only to reveal me knob covered in blood and the banjo string split. god i hate drunk sex.:o

This "loose" girl in college was notorious for this, she was rough (in every sense of the word) and broke more banjo strings than an epileptic hill billy.

kfallon · 02-01-2014 01:48PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

This "loose" girl in college was notorious for this, she was rough (in every sense of the word) and broke more banjo strings than an epileptic hill billy.

Well played sir, lovely darts there!!!

Daveysil15 · 02-01-2014 07:48PM

kfallon wrote: »

Well played sir, lovely darts there!!!

She has had more pricks than a second hand dart board.

jockeyboard · 03-01-2014 10:50PM

Was doing a em sexy 'dance' type of strip thing for my husband.... He likes looking at my ass alot as its super sized so i got a fright when i turned my back to him wearing just my thong and bent over as he looked disgusted.....

I had a 'tail' of tissue paper coming out of knickers....thankfully clean.

Slightly embarrassing. Luckily i can just laugh at that and get down to business.

bud1970 · 04-01-2014 01:57AM

Not so much a sex story, but remotely connected... i was in hospital after a fall, and because i couldn't bath myself, a rather pretty young nurse helped me. needless to say, his lordship rose to the occasion in style!! i looked up at the nurse, with a crimson red face, and said "i'm really sorry about this". she smiled, and said, "thats ok, i can sort it out for you". she then reached into her pocket, pulled out a ball point pen, and smacked himself right on his head. he dropped like a stone into the water!! still makes me laugh thinking about it to this day....

irish_goat · 04-01-2014 01:58AM

bud1970 wrote: »

"thats ok, i can sort it out for you".

*cue porn music*

FizzleSticks · 04-01-2014 02:24AM

This post has been deleted.

syklops · 04-01-2014 02:34AM

FizzleSticks wrote: »

Not mine but this made me laugh

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2013/10/50-people-on-the-most-wtf-thing-someone-did-while-hooking-up/

being the terrible drunk I am I conned him into having sex

I call shenanigans on that story.

Sir Arthur Daley · 04-01-2014 02:46AM

To this day i cannot talk about it but moral of the story is "When the rivers red take the dirt track instead!"

syklops · 04-01-2014 02:51AM

WikiHow wrote: »

To this day i cannot talk about it but moral of the story is "When the rivers red take the dirt track instead!"

Or hop in the shower.

Your most embarrassing sex story

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