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Your most embarrassing sex story

Timmyctc

What is your most embarrassing sexual experience? I want all the nitty gritty details.

I heard a story from a friend (so take it with a massive dose of salt) But basically this lad who is now in oz pulled, to put it eloquently, a junkie, in a bar then later, during sex she suggested to insert a knotted rope into his back passage as it would "make the orgasm f***ing fantastic" in her words.

Anyways as he was about to finish the job she pulled the rope out and he shat everywhere, grabbed his clothes and paniced and started apologising only to see the junkie woman rolling around in his defecate. He promptly exited the premises and returned home before (for some unbeknownst to me reason he told the rest of the lads he lived with this story)

Personally my embarrassing experience would be I think when I was 15 an older girl wanted to have sex with me I think I unraveled a condom before trying to put it on. Needless to say I didn't lose my virginity that day.

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Daveysil15

manlad wrote: »

Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

Ahh here, it must have been an almighty load for it to make a 'splat' sound. Even a direct cum shot would be unlikely to make such a noise.

DeanAustin wrote: »

Also was with a hooker and paid for an hour thinking I was the world's greatest stud. She broke me within a few minutes and as I was getting my shoes on she said "You've paid for the hour, we can do something else".

You mean you paid for the hour and you didn't even go for round 2? :eek:

happyviolet

Jarrod wrote: »

That happened a friend of mine too.

Unrelated, but my friend had a pet snake and for months, he kept waking up with the snake lying next to him. After a while he got a bit freaked out waking up with the snake stretched out next to him so he went to the vet. The vet said that the snake was sizing my friend up to eat him and that he was just checking if he was big enough yet.

**** that is so weird, because the exact same thing happened to my sister's friend too! God snakes are creepy. :eek:

ButtersSuki

happyviolet wrote: »

**** that is so weird, because the exact same thing happened to my sister's friend too! God snakes are creepy. :eek:

Urban myth BS.

Now if you're talking Trouser Snake, the story is getting better!

DeanAustin

Daveysil15 wrote: »

You mean you paid for the hour and you didn't even go for round 2? :eek:

After barely getting off my stool before being KO'd in round 1, I thought it best to quit while I was behind.

Serious overestimation of my stamina. In fairness it had been 3 months since I'd had a shag.

smurgen

Ex gf fainted when we were riding in the shower before,nearly ripped my dick off!

Daveysil15

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdA_hgmKAqo

Paddy Cow

Brego888 wrote: »

I love these it was my "friend" not me stories.

Ha! I knew someone would think that I was the "friend" but I'm not. I'm a woman and I've never peed on someone (or myself) before. Maybe women won't admit to it but I've heard loads of stories of guys being drunk and peeing in places that are socially unacceptable (this was the worst though).

ButtersSuki

smurgen wrote: »

Ex gf fainted when we were riding in the shower before,nearly ripped my dick off!

Anal?

Whoops, just re-read that. You said "fainted", not "farted"! :rolleyes:

Brego888

ButtersSuki wrote: »

Anal?

Whoops, just re-read that. You said "fainted", not "farted"! :rolleyes:

I read that as farted too!

fussyonion

jockeyboard wrote: »

I demand clarification of this....how was poo in there?! Or was it just in her knickers? Also was that really you?

Wasn't me. I dunno how poo got there, she said it got squashed or something. Either way it's gross.

GalwayGuy2

Wasn't me. I dunno how poo got there, she said it got squashed or something. Either way it's gross.

Wait do you mean got pushed out and then went back in.

Or stayed in and went...through?

fussyonion

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

Wait do you mean got pushed out and then went back in.

Or stayed in and went...through?

Surprisingly I didn't actually ask for any more details, I'd heard enough!

Galwayguy35

I must be very square, no interesting stories like others here have.

Only thing I can think of happening was getting a BJ from this wan in the car of a pub carpark and an ould fella on his was home looked in the window.

lau1247

fussyonion wrote: »

Wasn't me. I dunno how poo got there, she said it got squashed or something. Either way it's gross.

Poo + ham = kidney infection yaaay

Did she have that, cos it would explain a lot, still funny story

Daveysil15

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

I must be very square, no interesting stories like others here have.

Only thing I can think of happening was getting a BJ from this wan in the car of a pub carpark and an ould fella on his was home looked in the window.

Sorry about that.

My new years resolution is to stop looking in car windows.

eigrod

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

I must be very square, no interesting stories like others here have.

Only thing I can think of happening was getting a BJ from this wan in the car of a pub carpark and an ould fella on his was home. looked in the window.

The importance of those last 4 words

Daqster

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wq5wvLwD5Nw

Eoin247

manlad wrote: »

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

That from one guy? Are you sure there weren't at least five other guys in the room?

franknrol

after the pub one night, an hour into what can only be described as treadmill sex (all go and getting nowhere), the ex dried out a little too much and i felt a snap and a burning sensation raced through my flute. pulled out, only to reveal me knob covered in blood and the banjo string split. god i hate drunk sex.:o

kunst nugget

franknrol wrote: »

after the pub one night, an hour into what can only be described as treadmill sex (all go and getting nowhere), the ex dried out a little too much and i felt a snap and a burning sensation raced through my flute. pulled out, only to reveal me knob covered in blood and the banjo string split. god i hate drunk sex.:o

Christ, I won't be able to uncross my legs for the day. I'm having phantom pains just reading that.

suicide_circus

franknrol wrote: »

after the pub one night, an hour into what can only be described as treadmill sex (all go and getting nowhere), the ex dried out a little too much and i felt a snap and a burning sensation raced through my flute. pulled out, only to reveal me knob covered in blood and the banjo string split. god i hate drunk sex.:o

This "loose" girl in college was notorious for this, she was rough (in every sense of the word) and broke more banjo strings than an epileptic hill billy.

kfallon

suicide_circus wrote: »

This "loose" girl in college was notorious for this, she was rough (in every sense of the word) and broke more banjo strings than an epileptic hill billy.

Well played sir, lovely darts there!!!

Daveysil15

kfallon wrote: »

Well played sir, lovely darts there!!!

She has had more pricks than a second hand dart board.

jockeyboard

Was doing a em sexy 'dance' type of strip thing for my husband.... He likes looking at my ass alot as its super sized so i got a fright when i turned my back to him wearing just my thong and bent over as he looked disgusted.....

I had a 'tail' of tissue paper coming out of knickers....thankfully clean.

Slightly embarrassing. Luckily i can just laugh at that and get down to business.

bud1970

Not so much a sex story, but remotely connected... i was in hospital after a fall, and because i couldn't bath myself, a rather pretty young nurse helped me. needless to say, his lordship rose to the occasion in style!! i looked up at the nurse, with a crimson red face, and said "i'm really sorry about this". she smiled, and said, "thats ok, i can sort it out for you". she then reached into her pocket, pulled out a ball point pen, and smacked himself right on his head. he dropped like a stone into the water!! still makes me laugh thinking about it to this day....

irish_goat

bud1970 wrote: »

"thats ok, i can sort it out for you".

*cue porn music*

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

syklops

FizzleSticks wrote: »

Not mine but this made me laugh

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2013/10/50-people-on-the-most-wtf-thing-someone-did-while-hooking-up/

being the terrible drunk I am I conned him into having sex

I call shenanigans on that story.

Sir Arthur Daley

To this day i cannot talk about it but moral of the story is "When the rivers red take the dirt track instead!"

syklops

WikiHow wrote: »

To this day i cannot talk about it but moral of the story is "When the rivers red take the dirt track instead!"

Or hop in the shower.