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Sexless marriage/relationships

  • 21-12-2013 12:48PM
    #1
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    Was out last night with a group of male friends and the conversation got around to sex and relationships,to our astonishment one of the lads who got married just under three years ago said they don't have sex anymore,;he said; that his wife has no intrest and is not at all bothered by it.

    Before they were married it was all go,fun games etc etc and where as now they have everything martarialistic the sex has gone, They have no children.

    What you think AH ? Is this normal and what's to be done...




    Tldr Newly married man is not getting sex anymore what should he/they do


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Comments

  • #2
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,313 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    If they're both happy with the arrangement then fine, if one isn't that's the issue. I'm assuming the bloke in this case isn't?

    Real tricky one. Marriage counseling? Is he doing something or not, that's caused her to go off the nooky, or is this something with her alone? Medical issue?

    If it was her natural sex drive level and I didn't see a change down the line I'd be gone TBH.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • #3
    MonstaMash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,425 ✭✭✭MonstaMash


    I have the best relationship in the world...we live 170km away from each other & only see each other at the weekends :D

    Has been working out blissfully for us for 6+ years now ;)


  • #4
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    Wibbs wrote: »
    If they're both happy with the arrangement then fine, if one isn't that's the issue. I'm assuming the bloke in this case isn't?

    Real tricky one. Marriage counseling? Is he doing something or not, that's caused her to go off the nooky, or is this something with her alone? Medical issue?

    If it was her natural sex drive level and I didn't see a change down the line I'd be gone TBH.

    No he is not happy at all and according to my friend his lovely wife has just gone off it and just nags when he tries to bring the conversation up :confused:

    I know them years and it's a bit of shock to hear this is happening to them,very strange.


  • #5
    SCOOP 64
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,563 ✭✭✭SCOOP 64


    Why should getting married change anything, it was all go before?


  • #6
    MonstaMash
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,425 ✭✭✭MonstaMash


    realies wrote: »
    No he is not happy at all and according to my friend his lovely wife has just gone off it and just nags when he tries to bring the conversation up :confused:

    I know them years and it's a bit of shock to hear this is happening to them,very strange.
    If they both value the relationship, maybe counselling is the logical way forward...

    Without communication it would be nigh on impossible to be intimate IMHO


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  • #7
    nlgbbbblth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,668 ✭✭✭nlgbbbblth


    Not normal at all. The fact that they've no children makes it worse.


  • #8
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Is he well off? Your mention of materialistic things make me suspect this. Maybe she was after him for money and just not attracted - but performed for him to get him to marry her.

    Happens all the time. IMO if he goes looking elsewhere for sex she can't complain in this situation.

    Once the interest in sex goes from one side it's very bad for a relationship.


  • #9
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    SCOOP 64 wrote: »
    Why should getting married change anything, it was all go before?

    Clearly you're a single man.


  • #10
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    As for advice, I would try counselling. If she refuses, make it clear you are very unhappy and will seek it elsewhere, if a very good reason can't be found.


  • #11
    Teyla Emmagan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    professore wrote: »
    Is he well off? Your mention of materialistic things make me suspect this. Maybe she was after him for money and just not attracted - but performed for him to get him to marry her.

    Happens all the time. IMO if he goes looking elsewhere for sex she can't complain in this situation.

    Once the interest in sex goes from one side it's very bad for a relationship.

    He didn't say materialistic, read it again.

    And maybe the OP's friend took his marriage vows seriously which is why he isn't cheating on his wife.


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  • #12
    Teyla Emmagan
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    Double post. I can't use this phone at all!


  • #13
    Daqster
    Closed Accounts Posts: 723 ✭✭✭Daqster


    SCOOP 64 wrote: »
    Why should getting married change anything, it was all go before?

    Ha, if marriage didn't calm the fires of lust then we would have had no Carry On movies and half the TV shows in the 70s and 80s would never have been made.

    My favourite sexless marriage being the Ropers of course.


  • #14
    looking_around
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,491 ✭✭✭looking_around


    It's not cheating if they talk about an open relationship.

    Differing sex drive are quite common, but a balance must be found that both parties are ok with.
    If she won't talk about, get him to write about it, text about it to her.
    he needs to decide if this is something he can put up with or if no sex is going make him want to leave.
    He then needs to tell her this. Sometimes the ultimatum needs to be given.
    Find out if there's something going on with her?
    For some women in can be extremely painful, she might be emabarrassed to talk about this, but he has to force the issue if he's going to solve it.

    Increase sex/Intimacy:
    *Schedule it.
    *Play Strip Games/Shower together.
    *Watch Porn
    *Mutual Masturbation
    *Oral.


  • #15
    CBFi
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 439 ✭✭CBFi


    Were they going out long before they got married?

    I've heard similar from a frightening amount of people lately...they aren't even married and it has often ended in finding out the one who is not up for sex had been cheating. These have all been the male in the relationship in these cases. Any chance she is getting what she needs elsewhere?

    If he isn't happy, they have to start working on this. Back to basics-going on dates, trying new things, getting the spark back. Otherwise it's game over IMHO.

    Best of luck to your friend!


  • #16
    Wacker The Attacker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,473 ✭✭✭Wacker The Attacker


    In an ideal world a healthy and enjoyable sex life would all be part of a happy marriage.

    As we all know, there are any number of reasons why this wouldn't be the case. For this reason any rush to judgement would be foolish and premature.


  • #17
    Floraidh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12 ✭Floraidh


    Marriage guidance, they need to get to the root of the problem.If she wont talk the issues will only get worse.


  • #18
    caustic 1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,314 ✭✭✭caustic 1


    I once talked to someone married over 20 years and hasn't had sex for the last 13 of those. When brought up he said it was a good healthy sign of the relationship... I say fiddlesticks. They do have children which is why she hasn't scarpered. It has become more like flatmates or sibblings now and the idea of sex with him repulses her now. I just think he doing the durty elsewhere...has to be.


  • #19
    Wacker The Attacker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,473 ✭✭✭Wacker The Attacker


    caustic 1 wrote: »
    I once talked to someone married over 20 years and hasn't had sex for the last 13 of those. When brought up he said it was a good healthy sign of the relationship... I say fiddlesticks. They do have children which is why she hasn't scarpered. It has become more like flatmates or sibblings now and the idea of sex with him repulses her now. I just think he doing the durty elsewhere...has to be.

    He should be canonised if he endured a 13 year dry spell for a marriage


  • #20
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Generally the more you have the more you want it and the less you have the less you care about it so if life gets in the way (kids, work etc) and you end up not doing it as often you can get in a bit of a rut and don't care as much about making the effort to make time for it. That's why its so important to not let things slide to begin with.


  • #21
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Personally, I could not stay in a relationship without sex, an exception being if the person has a medical condition that cannot be fixed.

    If the person isn't physically unable to have sex, but chooses not to, or has psychological issues that they flat out refuse to address, I'd leave. Relationships include an intimate physical side. Without that, it's friendship.


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  • #22
    caustic 1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,314 ✭✭✭caustic 1


    Wacker The Attacker wrote: »
    He should be canonised if he endured a 13 year dry spell for a marriage

    She endured it.


  • #23
    Wacker The Attacker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,473 ✭✭✭Wacker The Attacker


    green_screen wrote: »
    Personally, I could not stay in a relationship without sex, an exception being if the person has a medical condition that cannot be fixed.

    If the person isn't physically unable to have sex, but chooses not to, or has psychological issues that they flat out refuse to address, I'd leave. Relationships include an intimate physical side. Without that, it's friendship.

    Cant a strong marriage survive without sex.


  • #24
    Wacker The Attacker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,473 ✭✭✭Wacker The Attacker


    caustic 1 wrote: »
    She endured it.


    Your man was hardly ridin' himself was he


  • #25
    Santa Cruz
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,126 ✭✭✭Santa Cruz


    caustic 1 wrote: »
    I once talked to someone married over 20 years and hasn't had sex for the last 13 of those. When brought up he said it was a good healthy sign of the relationship... I say fiddlesticks. They do have children which is why she hasn't scarpered. It has become more like flatmates or sibblings now and the idea of sex with him repulses her now. I just think he doing the durty elsewhere...has to be.


    Has he introduced her to anal sex? It might be the solution.


  • #26
    caustic 1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,314 ✭✭✭caustic 1


    I don't think so. Where kids are involved they can be the glue to hold together for a while, then what, fall apart at the seams?


  • #27
    caustic 1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,314 ✭✭✭caustic 1


    Wacker The Attacker wrote: »
    Your man was hardly ridin' himself was he

    I don't think so no, I really can't imagine anyone male or female going that long without.


  • #28
    Wacker The Attacker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,473 ✭✭✭Wacker The Attacker


    Santa Cruz wrote: »
    Has he introduced her to anal sex? It might be the solution.

    A backdoor solution if ever there was one.


  • #29
    Wacker The Attacker
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,473 ✭✭✭Wacker The Attacker


    caustic 1 wrote: »
    I don't think so no, I really can't imagine anyone male or female going that long without.


    Indeed. I couldnt imagine it


  • #30
    johnayo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,718 ✭✭✭johnayo


    OP. What age bracket is your friend and his wife in. Are they elderly. Maybe she feels too old to have sex.


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  • #31
    Loafing Oaf
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,819 ✭✭✭✭Loafing Oaf


    Tasden wrote: »
    if life gets in the way (kids, work etc) and you end up not doing it as often you can get in a bit of a rut

    Or not, as the case may be...


This discussion has been closed.
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