Is your ma trying to run your life?

IamtheWalrus · 16-12-2013 11:53AM #1

My ma is constantly trying to live my life for me. She tries exert her influence on every aspect of my life from my hair length, clothes, job choice, city I live.. you name it. I've recently started growing my hair a bit, nothing excessive but she's been badgering me to cut it. She never understands when I tell her it's my hair, I'll do what I want with it. She never listens. She thinks that if I don't cut my hair, no one will fancy me and she won't get grandchildren. I used to think I was the only one who got it but my siblings get it too. It bothers me that she doesn't think I'm capable of making my own decisions and learning from my own mistakes. She's become obsessed and it's saddening me. I'm 32 by the way. She's 60-odd.

Can anyone make me feel better and empathise?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k · 16-12-2013 11:55AM

My mam died when I was just 18.

Consider yourself lucky you have someone to badger you.

spank_inferno · 16-12-2013 11:55AM

Are you 15 or something?

Also.... Cut your hair, you look like a greasy girl!

ScumLord · 16-12-2013 11:55AM

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

Can anyone make me feel better and empathise?

I used to hate being 12 too.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 16-12-2013 11:56AM

Afraid I can't help you there? When my mother was alive she was nothing but supportive.

IamtheWalrus · 16-12-2013 11:56AM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

My mam died when I was just 18.

Consider yourself lucky you have someone to badger you.

I'm sorry to hear that. The reason I'm saddened by it is because our relationship is suffering because of her behaviour. I dread going home these days.

Ihatecuddles · 16-12-2013 11:56AM

She'd try to END my life if I called her Ma.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 16-12-2013 11:56AM

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

My ma is constantly trying to live my life for me. She tries exert her influence on every aspect of my life from my hair length, clothes, job choice, city I live.. you name it. I've recently started growing my hair a bit, nothing excessive but she's been badgering me to cut it. She never understands when I tell her it's my hair, I'll do what I want with it. She never listens. She thinks that if I don't cut my hair, no one will fancy me and she won't get grandchildren. I used to think I was the only one who got it but my siblings get it too. It bothers me that she doesn't think I'm capable of making my own decisions and learning from my own mistakes. She's become obsessed and it's saddening me.

Can anyone make me feel better and empathise?

Dekiberately get overheard suggesting "a home" to one of our siblings.

Dravokivich · 16-12-2013 12:01PM

I think my ma has become somewhat dependant on my siblings and I for a sense of social output, which can feel a bit pressured at times. But to run my life, na, never. She wants to be a part of it, not the be all and end all of it.

Corvo · 16-12-2013 12:03PM

Move out

IamtheWalrus · 16-12-2013 12:05PM

Corvo wrote: »

Move out

I did that 15 years ago.

mrcheez · 16-12-2013 12:08PM

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I did that 15 years ago.

So she's constantly over at your place? Just don't answer the door, pretend you're out

Legs.Eleven · 16-12-2013 12:09PM

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I did that 15 years ago.

Well do it again!

OneArt · 16-12-2013 12:11PM

Mine lives in another country. Suits me fine.

Superbus · 16-12-2013 12:13PM

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I did that 15 years ago.

No, he means out of her house, not out of her womb.

AerynSun · 16-12-2013 12:16PM

I can empathise with your situation. For myself, I went through a phase of trying to get my mother to change, to stop doing and saying those annoying and hurtful things. Then I came to the realisation that she's her own woman, and there's no stopping her. Only thing that was left was to sit myself down and see where I was: why did it bother me so much that she'd tell me to do x or y? In time I started becoming more at ease with knowing that my life choices are my own to make - and sure my mother can give me some very assertive input, but the choices remain mine.

If I choose to do what my mother wants, to keep her quiet and 'happy', that's also my choice.
If I choose to do what I want to do, and she rages... well... she rages, and that's her choice.

The tricky bit is knowing which choices are whose, and taking ownership of my own choices, and leaving my mother the freedom to take ownership of her choices - and not to get mixed up and take responsibility for her choices, or expect her to take responsibility for mine

Of course I've had 7 more years than you have of figuring this out!

Give yourself - and her! - permission to get it wrong sometimes. That makes it easier to handle.

whatdoicare · 16-12-2013 12:23PM

Yeah my mam is like that too-I'm 32, married with kids and she still tries to tell me what to do.
It's very frustrating.

I rarely do what she wants and every single time she creates world war three! Family members are ordered to come visit me to give out or "fix the problem" ie me.

It's creating a huge rift between us. I've started not telling her anything about my life, I tell her details about events when it's way too late to change them. Im constantly on guard with what I say and every single decision we, as husband and wife, make has the "there's going to be a huge blow up argument over this" hanging over us.

She's even been caught out exaggerating and out and out lieing about something so as to cause a fuss and get her own way.

Ive been to counselling about it and all they can advise is to keep my distance and share very little.

Unless you have to live with a parent who is like that you'll never know how absolutely devastating to your life it can be!

Telling the op guilt statements like yr mam is dead are very unhelpful and it has nothing at all to do with his situation.

IamtheWalrus · 16-12-2013 12:31PM

whatdoicare wrote: »

It's creating a huge rift between us. I've started not telling her anything about my life, I tell her details about events when it's way too late to change them. Im constantly on guard with what I say

This. She says I'm very private. I have no other choice.

Bog Standard User · 16-12-2013 12:51PM

your mum sounds like she is suffering from empty nest syndrome hence all the questions about having grandkids. buy her a small dog

Santa Cruz · 16-12-2013 12:53PM

is there any local toy boy available to give her a service?

Call Me Jimmy · 16-12-2013 12:58PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

My mam died when I was just 18.

Consider yourself lucky you have someone to badger you.

I really don't think that's a fair shout.

MrBlack93 · 16-12-2013 01:14PM

LexieOnRale wrote: »

My mam died when I was just 18.

Consider yourself lucky you have someone to badger you.

Terrible thing for you but highly unfair and irrelevant for op's situation.

mrcheez · 16-12-2013 01:19PM

I'm still not clear, are you moved out or did you move out before and then move back into the family home? If you are moved out does she actively come over to badger you? Why can't you space out the time between visits and keep it down to the odd weekend?

You should find the relationship improves if you have your own space and time apart.

gramar · 16-12-2013 01:24PM

It's what mothers do. In her eyes you're still her little boy and that won't change no matter how old you are.

It doesn't make a difference where you live or what you do for a living or who your partner is or what car you drive or how many people you've killed with your bare hands. You're her little boy and she's your mammy.

keeponhurling · 16-12-2013 01:27PM

My mother was a bit like that, trying to tell us what to do whenever we're already adults.

But in fairness she did sort of improve, and maybe it took time, but she eventually slowly realised we have to follow our own path in life.

So to the OP, it's not a lost cause, things can get better. You only get one mother etc.

Wibbs · 16-12-2013 01:32PM

MrBlack93 wrote: »

Terrible thing for you but highly unfair and irrelevant for op's situation.

Indeed.

My take is people are either nice or not, regardless of blood. A controlling nutjob is a controlling nutjob. IF your mother is pulling this guff when you're 32 you need to step right back from that. You're a grown man, how dare she(or anyone else) pull that passive aggressive BS with you. If I were you I'd nip this guff in the bud. If she comes out with this kinda thing, quietly inform her it's really none of her business. If she continues then simply stop visiting her until she cops the hell on and grows the hell up. If she tries any of the guilt trip stuff, then that's emotional manipulation and again you don't need that crap. If the roles have reversed and she's acting like the manipulative child then treat her like one. Otherwise you'll be on tenterhooks for the rest of her life.

Plazaman · 16-12-2013 01:34PM

It's par for the course for the Irish Mammy especially those over 60 years of age, to interfere (or "give advice" in their eyes) with their kids/adult kids lives. It's how their Mammy's did it and how their Mammy's Mammy did it.

Unlike some Mammy's of a younger generation who don't give two fúcks about their kids and let them charge around restaurants screaming and knocking stuff over.

Yep, lying seems to be the only way to avoid conflict or agree to do something then don't do it. As for the long hair issue, start wearing hats.

The Diabolical Monocle · 16-12-2013 01:36PM

I dont know if I should respond to this OP as I know my mam uses Boards and might read what I say and be hurt, I could risk it, I dont think she uses AH much and I could read if she responded cause I know her name, I think its flumetingbanam or something like that.

desertcircus · 16-12-2013 01:41PM

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

My ma is constantly trying to live my life for me. She tries exert her influence on every aspect of my life from my hair length, clothes, job choice, city I live.. you name it. I've recently started growing my hair a bit, nothing excessive but she's been badgering me to cut it. She never understands when I tell her it's my hair, I'll do what I want with it. She never listens. She thinks that if I don't cut my hair, no one will fancy me and she won't get grandchildren. I used to think I was the only one who got it but my siblings get it too. It bothers me that she doesn't think I'm capable of making my own decisions and learning from my own mistakes. She's become obsessed and it's saddening me. I'm 32 by the way. She's 60-odd.

Can anyone make me feel better and empathise?

Tell her that her behaviour is making you miserable and that if you want advice, you'll ask for it. Tell her that if she doesn't stop, you'll simply not visit her, or answer phone calls or texts. If she keeps doing it, cut ties: she's ignoring your wishes and you're better off not talking to her. Don't feel guilty for it: if she continues doing it after you ask her to stop, it's her decision to cut ties, not yours.

Earthhorse · 16-12-2013 01:42PM

The only advice I have is try not to escalate things. It's easy to slip into argument mode when someone is annoying you or to rehearse the conversation before it even takes place "knowing" how it will go, which is sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If she gives advice and you get annoyed she might see it as a sign that you aren't comfortable with your decision yourself. Be careful not to get upset when she interferes and try and tell her that you would like to have her advice but she has to realise you do not have the same values and priorities as her. The important thing is less what you say maybe, than how you say it. Speak from a calm and sure place and she'll find it harder to get agitated herself. It might take a few attempts for it to work but it's worth a shot because you do seem to want to have a relationship with your mam.

Wibbs · 16-12-2013 01:43PM

Plazaman wrote: »

It's par for the course for the Irish Mammy especially those over 60 years of age, to interfere (or "give advice" in their eyes) with their kids/adult kids lives. It's how their Mammy's did it and how their Mammy's Mammy did it.

Maybe PM, but that's no excuse to bend to such behaviour.

Unlike some Mammy's of a younger generation who don't give two fúcks about their kids and let them charge around restaurants screaming and knocking stuff over.

There is a balance that's healthy and I know enough "Irish mammys" that have such a balance.

Yep, lying seems to be the only way to avoid conflict or agree to do something then don't do it.

Really bad plans IMH. Conflict isn't always unhealthy. Empty ego driven conflict is, but clearing the air and drawing a line in the sand when people are taking the piss is a conflict worth having. Life is too short to take shít. Lying about doing something and the like is just empty deflection and again IMH unhealthy for someone to rely on that. Clear the air, draw a line, take no more guff and move on. Hopefully to a better relationship with her that's more equal.

Is your ma trying to run your life?

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