Is there a compromise?

jlm29 · 15-12-2013 11:21PM

I wouldn't mention money as a driving force, or at all in fact. If ye want to go elsewhere, fair enough, I'd understand that totally, though others might not. If you mention money, and cost, people may start trying to "help" you come up with solutions for how you might get married at home.

homemadecider · 15-12-2013 11:35PM

pwurple wrote: »

What are you saying in your vows that you are too embarressed to say in front of someone you know? You should be proud enough of your relationship and your soon-to-be wife to be able to at least state it. Or even agree to it with the celebrant reading it and you saying 'i do'.

As mentioned already, you can have both small and low cost wedding here. Don't know how it's going to be cheaper than the 150 it costs to get married here, to fly somewhere else to do it, unless you are getting married in gatwick terminal.

It really looks like finding a way to avoid the mother-in-law, so i'd expect to have a decent answer ready for that one if i were you. The woman is going to be extremely hurt to be unwelcome at her only child's wedding. I don't know how she wouldn't take it personally.

I don't know if 'embarrassed' is the right word in terms of how I would feel saying my vows in front of everyone. I guess I'd like our vows to be very personal and emotional and I'd feel sort of 'on show' if our families were there, watching and listening. I've written a poem about my OH and our relationship that I'd like to use as my vows, but it's a very private and sentimental poem that I wrote really for his ears only. It's not racy or anything, it's just intensely personal and I'm not in the habit of saying very intimate personal details to family.

Yes of course we could have a legal ceremony here where we literally say "I do" but that's not at all what we want, it would feel really impersonal and kind of anti-climatic. I'd like our ceremony to reflect who we are and how we feel about each other.

I should note, by the way, that I really like my future mother in law, but if we get married overseas we don't want anyone else there - no one from my family or from his. His mother in law is a bit of a handful but she's genuinely lovely and kind of hilarious and extraordinarily generous. She is not the reason we want to get married overseas; it's more that we are quite private people and would like to commit to each other without family/ friends watching.

lillycool · 16-12-2013 01:07AM

homemadecider wrote: »

Eh... did you miss the part where I said I wanted the wedding to be only the 2 of us? I never ever suggested our families joining us overseas.

I didn't miss this part, I and other posters were pointing out the value of family being there but I think at this stage you have made up your mind and posters should respect your opinion and going forward, only post on that: So -

Everyone -please advise how best POSTER CAN ACCOMODATE HER FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW IN HER PLANS - she is going abroad for her wedding and needs to accommodate her mother in law - please advise her on best ways to do this, in your opinion.

April O Neill II · 16-12-2013 01:18AM

lillycool wrote: »

Everyone -please advise how best POSTER CAN ACCOMODATE HER FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW IN HER PLANS - she is going abroad for her wedding and needs to accommodate her mother in law - please advise her on best ways to do this, in your opinion.

We have your permission? Great!

lillycool · 16-12-2013 01:41AM

Em no April... this topic has gone off thread. A lot of people have been advising the OP on the value of including family/friends (me included) but from her responses so far to peoples opinions (and I respect her opinions) - I have just stated now that she is clear on what she wants to do and she wants thoughts on how best to accommodate her future mother in law and make her feel part of the wedding plans, so I think if anyone can help her in this regard going forward that would be great.

Nicman · 16-12-2013 10:42AM

[QUOTE= don't regret it in the slightest even though my mother had me in tears almost everyday for a month beforehand.

Do what suits you, and if my daughter does The same thing, yes I'll be upset but if she's in a committed relationship then it's her decision to what she wants.[/QUOTE]

No regrets but spent a month crying?? I have alot of conflicting opinions here for both sides, but I won't get into it, it won't sway you either way. I think you have your mind made up already and just posted for back up to make you feel better rather than an alternative - and I don't mean that disrespectfully, I often need reassurance on things and ask the question of friends, boards whatever just to back that up.

However, regardless of the fact that you're already decided - I will say this and this is essentially the question we asked ourselves when making all large decisions for our wedding; not "who will be upset" etc but "will we regret this?" Maybe not now or in 5 years but at some point will you regret this? Also would you feel differently if it were your mother that was upset?
You know you don't have to share your vows - you could have a private ceremony here with 2 witnesses and a budget-friendly meal planned for afterwards with just your immediate family (as one other poster said). We weighed up going abroad on our own and the high cost of even a small wedding here and here's something that became very obvious very fast: most of the expense is not numbers-related! It's the legal costs, dress/ suit, bands, etc. You don't need to go crazy! We were going to go abroad alone and thought it's better to do something that maybe wasn't your first choice and have no regrets that stick your heels in cause you don't want the hassle and then be sorry down the road.......food for thought

homemadecider · 31-12-2013 07:25PM

OP here; just an update if anyone is interested to know how it went down. We told my parents first, their reaction was AMAZING. They said it was such a great idea and wished that option had been available when they got married many years ago. Their reaction genuinely couldn't have been better. They wanted to see photos of the island resort and just thought it was amazing.

OH's parents reaction was very similar; his mother laughed and said we were crazy but in a good way. His father said 'fair play to you' and ordered more wine to celebrate!

Obviously I was worried about nothing at all, the only person who was genuinely disappointed was my grown up niece but I'm sure she can suck it up and enjoy the after party with us all. Thanks for all the advices, they helped me think through the best way to tell everyone and it's been surprisingly easy!

Gatica · 01-01-2014 09:21PM

delighted it worked out for you. Seems we all underestimated your families. Hope you've a great ceremony! and well done being brave enough to face your families.

Is there a compromise?

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