Is there a compromise?

homemadecider

OH and I are planning to get married overseas next year, just the two of us. The traditional Irish wedding is simply not for us, we want something very low key and simple and relaxed with no stress.

We haven't told our folks yet but I know my parents will be fine with it; both of my sisters have gone the traditional route so they've had their weddings. My OH is an only child though so we're not sure how his mother will react as she hasn't had her "day out".

We considered having a civil ceremony here with family present before we fly out, but I'm not so keen on that idea as I'd like to actually get married overseas.

Should note that having his mother fly out to join us for the wedding overseas is absolutely not an option at all, trust me you'd understand if you met her!

Any suggestions on how to accommodate her without having to change our plans enormously? Perhaps we could have some sort of symbolic ceremony when we get back? Any other ideas?

Edited to include we will have a family meal out when we get back as well as a big party for our all friends and family - just drinks and finger food in a nice bar.

January

Just stick to your guns.. it's your day, do not compromise for anyone, if you compromise for his mum, you'll have to compromise for your parents...

Gatica

agree, it would be unfair to your family to be taking her feelings into consideration but not theirs...
Go ahead and have the wedding you want abroad.
If you're religious or don't mind religious you could have a church blessing after attended by close family and a restaurant dinner out so the family feels involved.

conf101

A friend of mine snuck off to South Africa to get married, just him and his partner. Neither his nor his wife's family were pleased at all but he says it was the best thing he ever did and would do it all over again, even though he still gets grief over it 11 years later.

They threw a big party for friends and family when they got back. Hired a venue, food, DJ, etc. Much less stressful to organise than an actual wedding.

OP it's your wedding so you should do what you want to do. Other people will always think you should do something different but you can't let that take over what is YOUR wedding day.

Toast4532

I agree with other posters OP, plus if you change any wedding plans to suit/include her, will she expect you to change future plans to suit/accommodate her?

I know of people who changed events, weddings etc to suit their parents/in-laws and as a result the parents/in-laws threw strops when the couple made any other plans or had kids etc they were under pressure from parents/in-laws to change/do x,y and z. And it started when weddings etc were changed around to accommodate their requests/demands.

Of course, your MIL may not be like that, but it might be something to think about and to prepare for in future.

Good luck with it OP, I hope it all works out for you.

pwurple

I guess I'll be the only person going against the grain here.

I think it depends entirely on your fiance's relationship with her parents. I get on pretty well with my parents, they have been kind to me for a long time. I would be slow to do something which I know would hurt them deliberately unless there was a very good reason (beyond 'cos I just feel like it').

And I know I'd be totally gutted if my only child didn't even want me at her wedding.


You can have non-traditional small wedding here in Ireland too you know, maybe that's a compromise?


Have you thought through your reasons and motivation for wanting to go abroad for the ceremony itself, rather than afterwards? Is there a particular destination with special meaning to you? Are you looking for something a little different? Or is it a mechanism to avoid something or someone here? If it's either of the latter two, perhaps an irish-based solution (like somewhere else in the country, someplace different) could be found which would allow a simple small wedding, but still facilitate her mother attending.

homemadecider

We had originally thought about having the wedding here in Ireland, but once we did our research and crunched numbers it was coming up at way more money than we wanted to spend on what is essentially only one day of our lives. We also had our engagement party which we both found utterly exhausting as we had to keep moving around the room all night talking to everyone and making sure we got to spend time with everyone who came from various different groups of friends. It was like a snapshot of what our wedding day would be like and we both hated it!

We basically realised that if we had the wedding in Ireland then we'd have no money left for a honeymoon. I also really hate the idea of saying my vows in front of people, it's a very private thing to me and I'd prefer if it was just the two of us.

I have no idea how his mother will react when we tell her, she might be fine with it or she might not be. We are not religious (at all) but could put together a symbolic ceremony for family when we get home if that would make any difference to her. I guess I feel that I only get one wedding in my life and I want to be somewhat selfish and do it the way that we feel fits us best - and that is on our own, overseas.

tinkerbell

OP, why can't you just have a ceremony here with just your immediate family, ie parents only or parents plus your siblings here? You don't have to spend a ton of money to get married in Ireland .... Nor do you need to have a hundred people attending or have stress. Then you'd have lots of money left to go on honeymoon.

homemadecider

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, why can't you just have a ceremony here with just your immediate family, ie parents only or parents plus your siblings here? You don't have to spend a ton of money to get married in Ireland .... Nor do you need to have a hundred people attending or have stress. Then you'd have lots of money left to go on honeymoon.

Because this...

homemadecider wrote: »

I also really hate the idea of saying my vows in front of people, it's a very private thing to me and I'd prefer if it was just the two of us.

I wouldn't mind having to say vows in front of family if it was just a symbolic ceremony as I wouldn't feel so emotional or invested in it, I wouldn't be bawling my eyes out either!

pwurple

homemadecider wrote: »

I also really hate the idea of saying my vows in front of people, it's a very private thing to me and I'd prefer if it was just the two of us.

I do get this, it's very sweet. But marriage, when you strip away the frills and get down to the nuts and bolts of it, is in reality a public legal contract. It's the conversion of a private relationship status into a public one.

That's the reason you are required to have witnesses, give notice, the area be publicly accessible etc.

You mentioned money, it need only cost 150 euro. The rest is all decoration.

April O Neill II

pwurple wrote: »

But marriage, when you strip away the frills and get down to the nuts and bolts of it, is in reality a public legal contract.

That you only need two people - who you don't even have to know - to witness. With strangers as witness, it pretty much is a private thing still.

bronte

homemadecider wrote: »

I wouldn't mind having to say vows in front of family if it was just a symbolic ceremony as I wouldn't feel so emotional or invested in it, I wouldn't be bawling my eyes out either!

Think the symbolic ceremony is the way to go. It takes the pressure off.
I hate the idea of actual vows in front of a big crowd too.
It's just always been a private thing in my head or something?
A small ceremony before the party also satisfies some people's need to see a ring exchange in order to feel like they're at a wedding-if that makes sense.

I was at a wedding with one of these ceremonies a while back and it was lovely.

homemadecider

bronte wrote: »

Think the symbolic ceremony is the way to go. It takes the pressure off.
I hate the idea of actual vows in front of a big crowd too.
It's just always been a private thing in my head or something?
A small ceremony before the party also satisfies some people's need to see a ring exchange in order to feel like they're at a wedding-if that makes sense.

I was at a wedding with one of these ceremonies a while back and it was lovely.

Thanks - kind of relieved to hear that someone shares my sentiment. Can I ask what type of symbolic ceremony you attended? Where did they have it, who officiated and so on? I guess we could ask a family member to officiate if we went down that route?

bronte

homemadecider wrote: »

Thanks - kind of relieved to hear that someone shares my sentiment. Can I ask what type of symbolic ceremony you attended? Where did they have it, who officiated and so on? I guess we could ask a family member to officiate if we went down that route?

Hey, yes I'm pretty sure you can ask a friend or family member to conduct it if you wish. The one I was at was actually in the hotel itself.
Everything was...ceremony, photos, meal and afters all in or around the grounds so no touring around to different venues for everything. They had an oathing stone (one of them was Scottish) and said their vows with their hands held on it.
Some people do handfastings, some do candle lighting ceremonies...there are a million things you could do!
I'm sure you'll find something that might be meaningful to both of you!

eviltwin

OP it sounds like you have already made up your mind on the kind of wedding you want. If you and your OH are in agreement then I would stick to your guns and go with your instinct. You could maybe have a party here on your return for your family and friends and get her to help organise that. The symbolic thing is a great idea.

lillycool

homemadecider wrote: »

My OH is an only child though sowe're not sure how his mother will react as she hasn't had her "day out".
Any suggestions on how to accommodate her without having to change our plans enormously? Perhaps we could have some sort of symbolic ceremony when we get back? Any other ideas? .

OP I think you just both need to be very clear about this from the outset with your families, and just explain how you have both decided on your perfect wedding abroad alone. If you are both happy, then hopefully they will all be happy for you. However if you try and 'accommodate' her with a party/ceremony after the event, she may just see this as being slightly a bit patronising....maybe she doesn't want to be feel 'accommodated'.

Sheldons Brain

Fire ahead OP, but in later years don't be complaining when your children shut you out of their big days.

April O Neill II

Sheldons Brain wrote: »

Fire ahead OP, but in later years don't be complaining when your children shut you out of their big days.

^^^^

Unnecessary.


OP, what jumped out at me was you saying that the vows are a private thing to you. When it comes down to it, the most important part of the day is the vows, and you should make sure that how you do this is in a way that makes you happy.

My parents got married with just strangers as witnesses, because my mother is not keen on being the centre of attention and is a very private person. And my Dad was very happy to go along with this because on his end, he hates the whole wedding palaver. So it really suited them as a couple.

Do what suits you as a couple. This is one of the instances in life where I think heart should take precedence over head.

freshpopcorn

Do what suits ye OP.
I would recommend tough that you tell his mother ye're plans soon enough because there is no point of her building her hopes up of going to her only sons wedding to find out that their isn't going to be one in Ireland and it's abroad she isn't invited. I know of many mothers when they hear they that their son/daughter is getting married they start looking forward to the day/buying an outfit/telling their friends. When she finds out the truth she would be upset and embarrassed.

homemadecider

Aye, to be honest we've no idea how she react. If she is upset about it then of course we are willing to change our plans somewhat.

We're going to tell her next week so I'll let you know how it goes.

javagal

Did the same thing as you are planning 3 months ago op, other way around though. My mother hit the roof, while his didn't mind.

We did it anyway, it was our decision, don't regret it in the slightest even though my mother had me in tears almost everyday for a month beforehand.

We went to Rome, it was beautiful,intimate and casual and we have the photos that we could of never gotten here.

Do what suits you, and if my daughter does The same thing, yes I'll be upset but if she's in a committed relationship then it's her decision to what she wants.

Gatica

Sheldons Brain wrote: »

Fire ahead OP, but in later years don't be complaining when your children shut you out of their big days.

Harsh. I doubt the OP is doing this to shut out family. Unfortunately it's the side-effect of having a private exchange of vows.

OP, just make sure the decision you both make is something you'll be happy with thereafter too and not something you'll regret, which ever option you go for.

lillycool

Whether you do it alone or in front of others, it's still at the end of the day a ''private exchange of vows'' between two people, even if you have a thousand people witnessing it, or zero people there.

You're making a commitment to spend the rest of your life with this person, and I genuinely wonder, does it really matter so much that his mother might be there to be part of it/witness it? Why is this such a big deal if she were? How bad would it be?

The Cool

OP, I see exactly where you're coming from. When it comes to weddings, some people find it madly romantic to say those vows in front of a crowd; other people prefer it to be intimate. You're obviously the latter, I would be as well but the point is, either option is totally valid. The day is about you and your partner and your wishes should come first. Your mother-in-law-to-be had her day whatever number of years ago, now it's your turn.

Best of luck and I hope you have a wonderful wedding whatever you decide.

lillycool

Sorry to disagree buy I doubt that would constitute many peoples motivation for including family and friends in their wedding their day.

Who doesn't find the prospect of saying vows in front of others extremely nerve-wracking and daunting... and probably wish they could just be alone for those few minutes. But the payoff is having your family and friends there to dance raise a glass and celebrate with you.

The fact that OP is planning to have a party on return and possibly wants to have a ceremony beforehand, OP sounds like you are a lovely person who wants to include people but just not at the actual ceremony... just be very careful about how you handle this. People may see the before and after bits as a bit patronising. You may just be better to announce what you are doing and leave it at that.

Or reconsider and see if there is anyway you can have your families there. I know it's clear you don't want his Mum there,:P but you say you think your own parents, sisters wont mind, as they have been there done that - but hey maybe your sisters would absolutely love to be at your wedding, like you were for theirs.

Also I think your fiancé should sound his mother out before announcing it. At least then you will be prepared!
Best of luck

April O Neill II

lillycool wrote: »

Whether you do it alone or in front of others, it's still at the end of the day a ''private exchange of vows'' between two people, even if you have a thousand people witnessing it, or zero people there.

No, it's not the same at all with nobody or a crowd there. Don't know why people seem to take issue with this?

homemadecider

Thanks. We had originally thought we wouldn't tell anyone until we're booked the trip but have changed our minds, we'll tell both sets of parents this week and if there are any major upsets then we'll think about changing plans a bit.

I know both of my sisters would absolutely love if I had a big wedding here, but I'm not going to plan my wedding day around what my sisters would like! Anyway what we need to do now is figure out how to broach the subject with the parents over the coming days. Should we first explain why we've chosen to do it this way (i.e. keeping it private, not spending a crazy amount of money on one day out etc) or should we just dive right in and say what we want to do? We need to be careful to word ourselves properly so they don't get the idea that we want them to come to the Caribbean with us!

lillycool

homemadecider wrote: »

Thanks. We had originally thought we wouldn't tell anyone until we're booked the trip but have changed our minds, we'll tell both sets of parents this week and if there are any major upsets then we'll think about changing plans a bit.

I know both of my sisters would absolutely love if I had a big wedding here, but I'm not going to plan my wedding day around what my sisters would like! Anyway what we need to do now is figure out how to broach the subject with the parents over the coming days. Should we first explain why we've chosen to do it this way (i.e. keeping it private, not spending a crazy amount of money on one day out etc) or should we just dive right in and say what we want to do? We need to be careful to word ourselves properly so they don't get the idea that we want them to come to the Caribbean with us!

Ah Jeez OP, I have 2 older sisters like you and the more you post makes me think you would like to include your sisters and family in your big day.... your 2 sisters would love you to have you wedding here I have hope you will change your mind and have family and friends at you wedding...

If you make up your mind about the Caribbean then YES be very clear about this next week and that you have both chosen a wedding away which you both want to be private and NO you absolutely shouldn't expect anyone to incur the cost to join you in travelling there - its a bit selfish.

homemadecider

lillycool wrote: »

Ah Jeez OP, I have 2 older sisters like you and the more you post makes me think you would like to include your sisters and family in your big day.... your 2 sisters would love you to have you wedding here I have hope you will change your mind and have family and friends at you wedding...

If you make up your mind about the Caribbean then YES be very clear about this next week and that you have both chosen a wedding away which you both want to be private and NO you absolutely shouldn't expect anyone to incur the cost to join you in travelling there - its a bit selfish.

Eh... did you miss the part where I said I wanted the wedding to be only the 2 of us? I never ever suggested our families joining us overseas.

DoctorEdgeWild

I think it's a great idea to do it away from everyone as a private thing. Make it about you two only. Best of luck and I hope it goes smoothly, if it's what you both want then it's the right thing to do.

pwurple

homemadecider wrote: »

Anyway what we need to do now is figure out how to broach the subject with the parents over the coming days. Should we first explain why we've chosen to do it this way (i.e. keeping it private, not spending a crazy amount of money on one day out etc) or should we just dive right in and say what we want to do? We need to be careful to word ourselves properly so they don't get the idea that we want them to come to the Caribbean with us!

What are you saying in your vows that you are too embarressed to say in front of someone you know? You should be proud enough of your relationship and your soon-to-be wife to be able to at least state it. Or even agree to it with the celebrant reading it and you saying 'i do'.

As mentioned already, you can have both small and low cost wedding here. Don't know how it's going to be cheaper than the 150 it costs to get married here, to fly somewhere else to do it, unless you are getting married in gatwick terminal.

It really looks like finding a way to avoid the mother-in-law, so i'd expect to have a decent answer ready for that one if i were you. The woman is going to be extremely hurt to be unwelcome at her only child's wedding. I don't know how she wouldn't take it personally.

jlm29

I wouldn't mention money as a driving force, or at all in fact. If ye want to go elsewhere, fair enough, I'd understand that totally, though others might not. If you mention money, and cost, people may start trying to "help" you come up with solutions for how you might get married at home.

homemadecider

pwurple wrote: »

What are you saying in your vows that you are too embarressed to say in front of someone you know? You should be proud enough of your relationship and your soon-to-be wife to be able to at least state it. Or even agree to it with the celebrant reading it and you saying 'i do'.

As mentioned already, you can have both small and low cost wedding here. Don't know how it's going to be cheaper than the 150 it costs to get married here, to fly somewhere else to do it, unless you are getting married in gatwick terminal.

It really looks like finding a way to avoid the mother-in-law, so i'd expect to have a decent answer ready for that one if i were you. The woman is going to be extremely hurt to be unwelcome at her only child's wedding. I don't know how she wouldn't take it personally.

I don't know if 'embarrassed' is the right word in terms of how I would feel saying my vows in front of everyone. I guess I'd like our vows to be very personal and emotional and I'd feel sort of 'on show' if our families were there, watching and listening. I've written a poem about my OH and our relationship that I'd like to use as my vows, but it's a very private and sentimental poem that I wrote really for his ears only. It's not racy or anything, it's just intensely personal and I'm not in the habit of saying very intimate personal details to family.

Yes of course we could have a legal ceremony here where we literally say "I do" but that's not at all what we want, it would feel really impersonal and kind of anti-climatic. I'd like our ceremony to reflect who we are and how we feel about each other.

I should note, by the way, that I really like my future mother in law, but if we get married overseas we don't want anyone else there - no one from my family or from his. His mother in law is a bit of a handful but she's genuinely lovely and kind of hilarious and extraordinarily generous. She is not the reason we want to get married overseas; it's more that we are quite private people and would like to commit to each other without family/ friends watching.

lillycool

homemadecider wrote: »

Eh... did you miss the part where I said I wanted the wedding to be only the 2 of us? I never ever suggested our families joining us overseas.

I didn't miss this part, I and other posters were pointing out the value of family being there but I think at this stage you have made up your mind and posters should respect your opinion and going forward, only post on that: So -

Everyone -please advise how best POSTER CAN ACCOMODATE HER FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW IN HER PLANS - she is going abroad for her wedding and needs to accommodate her mother in law - please advise her on best ways to do this, in your opinion.

April O Neill II

lillycool wrote: »

Everyone -please advise how best POSTER CAN ACCOMODATE HER FUTURE MOTHER IN LAW IN HER PLANS - she is going abroad for her wedding and needs to accommodate her mother in law - please advise her on best ways to do this, in your opinion.

We have your permission? Great!

lillycool

Em no April... this topic has gone off thread. A lot of people have been advising the OP on the value of including family/friends (me included) but from her responses so far to peoples opinions (and I respect her opinions) - I have just stated now that she is clear on what she wants to do and she wants thoughts on how best to accommodate her future mother in law and make her feel part of the wedding plans, so I think if anyone can help her in this regard going forward that would be great.

Nicman

[QUOTE= don't regret it in the slightest even though my mother had me in tears almost everyday for a month beforehand.

Do what suits you, and if my daughter does The same thing, yes I'll be upset but if she's in a committed relationship then it's her decision to what she wants.[/QUOTE]

No regrets but spent a month crying?? I have alot of conflicting opinions here for both sides, but I won't get into it, it won't sway you either way. I think you have your mind made up already and just posted for back up to make you feel better rather than an alternative - and I don't mean that disrespectfully, I often need reassurance on things and ask the question of friends, boards whatever just to back that up.

However, regardless of the fact that you're already decided - I will say this and this is essentially the question we asked ourselves when making all large decisions for our wedding; not "who will be upset" etc but "will we regret this?" Maybe not now or in 5 years but at some point will you regret this? Also would you feel differently if it were your mother that was upset?
You know you don't have to share your vows - you could have a private ceremony here with 2 witnesses and a budget-friendly meal planned for afterwards with just your immediate family (as one other poster said). We weighed up going abroad on our own and the high cost of even a small wedding here and here's something that became very obvious very fast: most of the expense is not numbers-related! It's the legal costs, dress/ suit, bands, etc. You don't need to go crazy! We were going to go abroad alone and thought it's better to do something that maybe wasn't your first choice and have no regrets that stick your heels in cause you don't want the hassle and then be sorry down the road.......food for thought

homemadecider

OP here; just an update if anyone is interested to know how it went down. We told my parents first, their reaction was AMAZING. They said it was such a great idea and wished that option had been available when they got married many years ago. Their reaction genuinely couldn't have been better. They wanted to see photos of the island resort and just thought it was amazing.

OH's parents reaction was very similar; his mother laughed and said we were crazy but in a good way. His father said 'fair play to you' and ordered more wine to celebrate!

Obviously I was worried about nothing at all, the only person who was genuinely disappointed was my grown up niece but I'm sure she can suck it up and enjoy the after party with us all. Thanks for all the advices, they helped me think through the best way to tell everyone and it's been surprisingly easy!

Gatica

delighted it worked out for you. Seems we all underestimated your families. Hope you've a great ceremony! and well done being brave enough to face your families.