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Your most embarrassing sex story

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Comments

  • #362
    rawn
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,093 ✭✭✭rawn


    zcorpian88 wrote: »
    One time just as we had finished our "intimate moment" I had an abscess on my backside, I don't know what happened but whatever way I moved in bed, the thing bursted or whatever and got a load of blood on the sheets. Once I seen the bed, I felt like melting into the floor...

    But then the girlfriend realized her time of the month was due any second so I let her take the blame!

    I was staying in her parents house, when the girlfriend came down to wash the sheets the mother taught we slaughtered a lamb in the bedroom!

    EWW


  • #363
    GreeBo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 27,518 ✭✭✭✭GreeBo


    zcorpian88 wrote: »
    One time just as we had finished our "intimate moment" I had an abscess on my backside, I don't know what happened but whatever way I moved in bed, the thing bursted or whatever and got a load of blood on the sheets. Once I seen the bed, I felt like melting into the floor...

    But then the girlfriend realized her time of the month was due any second so I let her take the blame!

    I was staying in her parents house, when the girlfriend came down to wash the sheets the mother taught we slaughtered a lamb in the bedroom!

    riding with an abscess on your arse?
    I think not. crying as you sit on an inflatable ring is more likely.


  • #364
    zcorpian88
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,515 ✭✭✭zcorpian88


    GreeBo wrote: »
    riding with an abscess on your arse?
    I think not. crying as you sit on an inflatable ring is more likely.

    Funny enough it was never ever painful, just bled the odd time when going to the bathroom, rarely gave me any major trouble except that one night!


  • #365
    minidazzler
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,650 ✭✭✭✭minidazzler


    Strada wrote: »
    The embarrassing moment was with the unfortunate lady I was with one night we both fancied trying the 'jacksie' entrance. It was a first time for both of us. The first entrance was only mind blowing and created a total orgasmic experience for both of us. Well temptation was too much and after the equipment gt blood back into it again we went at it again. There I was banking away nicely lubed when a sudden 'whiff' started to rise. I looked down and the poor woman had dirtied herself and of course my equipment. She was Morto but I didn't mind and felt for her. I treatec her to dinner after and told her to forget it, those things happen.

    Porn has really messed with peoples perceptions of Anal. Shit happens is the perfect way to describe it in real life.....

    Either enema first, or you're gonna get poop on your willy. Thems the rules with Anal :pac:


  • #366
    bud1970
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 229 ✭✭bud1970


    I was banging this cracking looking, middle aged lady, over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

    She said, "It's my husband! Quick, go through the back door!"

    Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day............


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  • #367
    bear1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,962 ✭✭✭✭bear1


    RobFowl wrote: »
    Mmmmm I always love peoples surprise at ****e appearing in the anus ...

    BURNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN


  • #368
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    RobFowl wrote: »
    Mmmmm I always love peoples surprise at ****e appearing in the anus ...

    Nice user name :D


  • #369
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,745 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    RobFowl wrote: »
    Mmmmm I always love peoples surprise at ****e appearing in the anus ...
    Went out with a guy a while ago and we decided to try anal. Afterward he said that he enjoyed but that his willy had been hitting against something. I asked him what he thought it might be up my arse, and he never asked for anal again.


  • #370
    Daveysil15
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,301 ✭✭✭Daveysil15


    Strada wrote: »
    The embarrassing moment was with the unfortunate lady I was with one night we both fancied trying the 'jacksie' entrance. It was a first time for both of us. The first entrance was only mind blowing and created a total orgasmic experience for both of us. Well temptation was too much and after the equipment gt blood back into it again we went at it again. There I was banking away nicely lubed when a sudden 'whiff' started to rise. I looked down and the poor woman had dirtied herself and of course my equipment. She was Morto but I didn't mind and felt for her. I treatec her to dinner after and told her to forget it, those things happen.

    Those fecking bankers. Is there anything they haven't ruined? :mad:


  • #371
    Frosty McSnowballs
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,396 ✭✭✭Frosty McSnowballs


    kylith wrote: »
    Went out with a guy a while ago and we decided to try anal. Afterward he said that he enjoyed but that his willy had been hitting against something. I asked him what he thought it might be up my arse, and he never asked for anal again.

    Aw jaysis


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  • #372
    Auldloon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,241 ✭✭✭Auldloon


    Anal's not all it's cracked up to be.


  • #373
    hungry hippo 4
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 323 ✭✭hungry hippo 4


    minidazzler wrote: »
    Porn has really messed with peoples perceptions of Anal. Shit happens is the perfect way to describe it in real life.....

    Either enema first, or you're gonna get poop on your willy. Thems the rules with Anal :pac:

    you don't just do anal, it takes preparation


  • #374
    truebluesac
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 406 ✭✭truebluesac


    Im in knots reading this thread ........��


  • #375
    Corvo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,757 ✭✭✭Corvo


    kylith wrote: »
    Went out with a guy a while ago and we decided to try anal. Afterward he said that he enjoyed but that his willy had been hitting against something. I asked him what he thought it might be up my arse, and he never asked for anal again.

    Awh leave it ou


  • #376
    Ihatecuddles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,986 ✭✭✭Ihatecuddles


    hungry hippo 4 wrote: »
    you don't just do anal, it takes preparation

    No it doesnt, Id say 1 in 100 times it gets messy!!


  • #377
    falan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,574 ✭✭✭falan


    Was staying at my mates house in the city after a night out...
    My designated place to sleep was on the couch in the sitting room that had two entrances, to the kitchen and the hall.

    So me and my friend went out and got wasted, he pulled, i didn't so we goes back to his and somewhere along the way we've picked up a few people . He goes to bed with his one and people start to leave...On the couch there is some couple kissing so i head out into the kitchen on my own.

    I stayed there till about 7am absolutely freezing my balls off, i tried sleeping at the table, on the floor to no avail in just a t shirt in december...

    I started to think of that couch (my bed)...And my hoodie and stuff sitting in the other room with the kissing couple..

    I think to myself, its 7am they will surely be asleep or hopefully gone so ill just sneak in and get my hoodie at the very least and maybe crash in the chair...

    Opened the door and walked in, the two of them were balls naked in the middle of the floor , candles lit she on top of him going like the clappers...My bag was the other side of the room and i thought i aint leaving without it so just mumbled sorry walked straight through grabbed my bag and a cushion and out the other entrance into the hall and back into the kitchen....

    She was so stunned she barely even had time to cover herself...

    When my friend got up around 9am, they were gone....He said he had no idea who they were, i thought he knew them, and he thought i knew them...

    They must have got an awful shock when i spoiled their night:)


  • #378
    Mint Aero
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,570 ✭✭✭Mint Aero


    falan wrote: »
    Was staying at my mates house in the city after a night out...
    My designated place to sleep was on the couch in the sitting room that had two entrances, to the kitchen and the hall.

    So me and my friend went out and got wasted, he pulled, i didn't so we goes back to his and somewhere along the way we've picked up a few people . He goes to bed with his one and people start to leave...On the couch there is some couple kissing so i head out into the kitchen on my own.

    I stayed there till about 7am absolutely freezing my balls off, i tried sleeping at the table, on the floor to no avail in just a t shirt in december...

    I started to think of that couch (my bed)...And my hoodie and stuff sitting in the other room with the kissing couple..

    I think to myself, its 7am they will surely be asleep or hopefully gone so ill just sneak in and get my hoodie at the very least and maybe crash in the chair...

    Opened the door and walked in, the two of them were balls naked in the middle of the floor , candles lit she on top of him going like the clappers...My bag was the other side of the room and i thought i aint leaving without it so just mumbled sorry walked straight through grabbed my bag and a cushion and out the other entrance into the hall and back into the kitchen....

    She was so stunned she barely even had time to cover herself...

    When my friend got up around 9am, they were gone....He said he had no idea who they were, i thought he knew them, and he thought i knew them...

    They must have got an awful shock when i spoiled their night:)

    Ah now...now, now, now ;)

    7am? You knew they were in there....did ya not press your ear against the door first? ;) yer one on top going like the clappers? You didn't hear that? ;)

    Ya dirty fecker ;)


  • #379
    Ihatecuddles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,986 ✭✭✭Ihatecuddles


    Mint Aero wrote: »
    Ah now...now, now, now ;)

    7am? You knew they were in there....did ya not press your ear against the door first? ;) yer one on top going like the clappers? You didn't hear that? ;)

    Ya dirty fecker ;)

    It's like you have some mad eye twitch after every sentence.


  • #380
    castletownman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,785 ✭✭✭✭castletownman


    Brought a girl home last night and we retired to the boudoir. Both of us had being out that night so our performances didn't make the Olympic standard or anything. Anyway I was laminating my whoopy stick in the ham wallet but had a piss horn so couldn't.....finish the job so to speak. Kept at it anyway as she seemed to be enjoying it ;)

    Went to the bathroom afterwards for a pee. Came back to a bed and started spooning her. A few minutes later in the pitch dark she went under the covers to give me oral pleasure. I was kind of on a high not really noticing how the little man down below was re-acting. Next minute I felt that sensation but shouted "I'm coming, I'm coming" a second too late. "Deposited" the load all around her face and with her not really able to see in the dark, she screams "I'm wet everywhere". Poor girl was morto

    Good night nonetheless


  • #381
    DamagedTrax
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,277 ✭✭✭DamagedTrax


    castletownman wrote: »
    "Deposited" the load all around her face

    i fail to see the problem here.


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  • #382
    ted1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 23,823 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Mint Aero wrote: »
    Ah now...now, now, now ;)

    7am? You knew they were in there....did ya not press your ear against the door first? ;) yer one on top going like the clappers? You didn't hear that? ;)

    Ya dirty fecker ;)

    I'd be worried that the two if them were balls naked, sounds like a four ball to me


  • #383
    hungry hippo 4
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 323 ✭✭hungry hippo 4


    mauzo! wrote: »
    No it doesnt, Id say 1 in 100 times it gets messy!!

    Do you just lob it in?

    No, No you don't!


  • #384
    Ihatecuddles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,986 ✭✭✭Ihatecuddles


    hungry hippo 4 wrote: »
    Do you just lob it in?

    No, No you don't!

    Yep!


  • #385
    hungry hippo 4
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 323 ✭✭hungry hippo 4


    mauzo! wrote: »
    Yep!

    she must be a big one haha


  • #386
    Ihatecuddles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,986 ✭✭✭Ihatecuddles


    hungry hippo 4 wrote: »
    she must be a big one haha

    I'm the female. Thanks :pac:


  • #387
    Feisar
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,009 ✭✭✭Feisar


    Pulled out a tampon with my teeth, a face like Dracula the next day.

    Shagged a married woman (I didn't know she was married) in the ladies toilet of a hotel at a wedding reception after the residents bar with not a word spoken between us. Just locked eyes and the rest is sordid history.

    Kept loosing my erection when trying to put on a condom, cue " it's al riii, you can riode me in the mornin'"

    Nicked condoms out of my parents room, they were on hols

    Spare room a mess when the parents came home early from hols

    Got off a bird, puked, and went back to it

    And that's off the top of my head.

    Got offered a BJ from a married man. (Declined)

    First they came for the socialists...



  • #388
    hungry hippo 4
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 323 ✭✭hungry hippo 4


    mauzo! wrote: »
    I'm the female. Thanks :pac:

    ha ha, you must be gaping!


  • #389
    Ihatecuddles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,986 ✭✭✭Ihatecuddles


    hungry hippo 4 wrote: »
    ha ha, you must be gaping!

    Brilliant :D

    and no Im not!!


  • #390
    hungry hippo 4
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 323 ✭✭hungry hippo 4


    mauzo! wrote: »
    Brilliant :D

    and no Im not!!

    no lube even?


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  • #391
    Ihatecuddles
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,986 ✭✭✭Ihatecuddles


    Feisar wrote: »
    Pulled out a tampon with my teeth, a face like Dracula the next day.

    :eek: Why?? Were you trying to be sexy?


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