My wife is dying

Thoie · 30-11-2013 03:06AM

Terrible thing to be facing, and I feel for you. From a purely practical perspective, call the hospital first thing in the morning and ask them if they have details of supports for relatives. Most hospitals will have details on both state and volunteer agencies that can provide both practical and emotional support at this time (for example in the UK the Macmillan group provide support for cancer patients and their families). If you google the illness, the country and "support" you'll most likely find something.

At this time all your thoughts and concern will be for your wife, but, as clichéd as it may sound, you need to take care of yourself as well. When a loved one is ill it's very easy to wear yourself out looking after them at the start. Try to get proper sleep (easier said than done) and a proper meal every day. Consider services like grocery delivery to save you the effort of shopping. Ask friends/family at home for suggestions of decent meals that are healthy and easy to cook, to help save some of your brain power.

Learn to delegate. People will ask "is there anything I can do?". Make notes of things that need doing, but don't have to be done by you. Examples would be things like buying extra PJs/nighties/dressing gown/slippers. Friends and family at home could order those online for express delivery straight to the hospital/house. Keep a notebook and pen with you, and by your wife's bedside for keeping notes - notes of things you want to ask doctors, notes of things to buy/bring (toothbrush, toothpaste, phone charger, newspaper...). Your brain has a lot to deal with at the moment - let paper do the remembering of trivial things for you.

If you really need a shoulder tonight, most countries have an equivalent of the Samaritans, and they will be happy to listen to you, or just chat to you at any hour of the day or night.

petrolcan · 30-11-2013 03:08AM

Play To Kill wrote: »

Anything that anyone would say would be the least of my worries, I know what after hours is. I would prefer for the thread to be left open because of the traffic after hours has and the likelyhood of finding others who have been in this situation who can give me a bit of support and guidance.

I've PM'd you my number. I'm only up for a short while tonight but if I can help just call.

taytobreath · 30-11-2013 03:10AM

petrolcan wrote: »

I've PM'd you my number. I'm only up for a short while tonight but if I can help just call.

arent people very good

good on you.

Birneybau · 30-11-2013 03:12AM

I'm sorry to hear it o.p, I truly am.

I hope the posts remain respectful, AH can be alright sometimes.

Play To Kill · 30-11-2013 03:14AM

Meirleach wrote: »

Whoever said to talk to the hospital was spot on.

I'm going to give a typical after hours hours answer to this, hospital my ****ing hole!

For 9 months they have been sending my wife home even after being brought there by ambulance on 3 occasions. They have diagnosed her several times as having something other than what she actually has. It turns out that she has liver and Kidney failure and it has progressed past a point where they can treat her. I don't want to speak to anybody in any ****ing hospital ever again. Thanks for your suggestion and sorry for my typical after hours answer.

petrolcan · 30-11-2013 03:17AM

Play To Kill wrote: »

I'm going to give a typical after hours hours answer to this, hospital my ****ing hole!

For 9 months they have been sending my wife home even after being brought there by ambulance on 3 occasions. They have diagnosed her several times as having something other than what she actually has. It turns out that she has liver and Kidney failure and it has progressed past a point where they can treat her. I don't want to speak to anybody in any ****ing hospital ever again. Thanks for your suggestion and sorry for my typical after hours answer.

Anger is perfectly understandable. Use it to channel your direction in making sure things are done right.

If the worst happens, sue the feckers for all they are worth.

Offer of a chat still open.

Stained Class · 30-11-2013 03:18AM

Sorry to hear that OP.

My Wife had a brush with cancer this year (thankfully not serious) & I can feel the situation you're in right now.

My thoughts are with you.

Turtwig · 30-11-2013 03:24AM

Play To Kill wrote: »

I'm going to give a typical after hours hours answer to this, hospital my ****ing hole!

For 9 months they have been sending my wife home even after being brought there by ambulance on 3 occasions. They have diagnosed her several times as having something other than what she actually has. It turns out that she has liver and Kidney failure and it has progressed past a point where they can treat her. I don't want to speak to anybody in any ****ing hospital ever again. Thanks for your suggestion and sorry for my typical after hours answer.

I cannot empathise enough with your situation but I must strongly emphasize that you regain dialogue with the hospital. They hold all the various supports and contact info that you need.

Karl Stein · 30-11-2013 03:26AM

Play To Kill wrote: »

my wife has a terminal illness

+

At the moment she is alone in hospital and I am at home alone.

=

be with her.

petrolcan · 30-11-2013 03:27AM

Jernal wrote: »

I cannot empathise enough with your situation but I must strongly emphasize that you regain dialogue with the hospital. They hold all the various supports and contact info that you need.

Allow the anger.

flynnlives · 30-11-2013 03:29AM

Have you sought a second opinion?
have you researched online the condition and any possible avenues for treatment.

I was in this situation not so long ago with my niece. She has a terminal illness and the next day everyone in the family was on the phone to anyone they know who could but us in touch with consultants and specialists.

Managed to get numbers pretty quickly of consultants in Dublin, london, Chicago and Houston.

They're are experimental treatments and trials ongoing all over the world for various diseases.

I would get onto her GP she had here and ask is there anyone they know and start from there.
I would also speak to the hospital consultant and ask what options no matter how faint you can explore.

campo · 30-11-2013 03:30AM

Sorry to hear your news OP and I am not ashamed to say I shed a tear for you, my gran ( who brought me up so is more like my mom ) is in hospital dying at the moment so I know how tough it can be, the only advice I can give is be strong for her as she will need you now but don't be afriad to have a cry or talk to someone when you need to.

I wish you all the best

Play To Kill · 30-11-2013 03:33AM

Carlos Roca wrote: »

+

=

be with her.

Not allowed believe it or not, security eventually persuaded me to leave tonight, good old NHS.

Smidge · 30-11-2013 03:39AM

Play To Kill wrote: »

Not allowed believe it or not, security eventually persuaded me to leave tonight, good old NHS.

Even given your situation?
Thats a bit tough alright. I get the reason why you have posted here as you really just want to talk and as you rightly say AH has the most traffic.

So talk away there's always someone here

taytobreath · 30-11-2013 03:39AM

Play To Kill wrote: »

Not allowed believe it or not, security eventually persuaded me to leave tonight, good old NHS.

they wouldnt leave you with your wife in the hospital!! is that the way the hse have gone

Play To Kill · 30-11-2013 03:40AM

flynnlives wrote: »

Have you sought a second opinion?

I have, I didn't believe the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth or seventh opinion. I eventually forced an eight opinion because everytime my wife was sent home from the GP or hospital she just kept getting more and more sick. The seventh opinion was that she had something minor, the eight opinion was more severe and it was confirmed by the ninth and tenth opinion to be terminal.

Smidge · 30-11-2013 03:41AM

taytobreath wrote: »

they wouldnt leave you with your wife in the hospital!! is that the way the hse have gone

Its the nhs, he is in the UK(would have given the NHS more credit but there you go

)

taytobreath · 30-11-2013 03:42AM

Smidge wrote: »

Its the nhs, he is in the UK(would have given the NHS more credit but there you go )

sorry i got it wrong

DesperateDan · 30-11-2013 03:42AM

She must be very scared and lost too I'm so very sorry for the both of you.

Spend as much time as you can enjoying eachother's company, after time the shock will pass but you've gotta be the strong one and keep up both of your spirits. You should inform your work, people will hopefully bend over backwards to help you out - life is too fleeting to be working right now.

Smidge · 30-11-2013 03:48AM

taytobreath wrote: »

sorry i got it wrong

I wasn't being smart

Play To Kill · 30-11-2013 03:50AM

Smidge wrote: »

Even given your situation?
Thats a bit tough alright. I get the reason why you have posted here as you really just want to talk and as you rightly say AH has the most traffic.

So talk away there's always someone here

Yep, in any situation with the NHS caring and understanding as we know it in Ireland is lacking. It's not that they don't care, they do, they really do but they have rules to follow. I find all structures in the UK to be the same, you can only push so far but eventually you have to back off and respect their way of doing things. If it was Ireland I'd just tell them to **** off but doing that here is only inviting the police to drop round and escort you out.

DesperateDan · 30-11-2013 03:56AM

Also tell your families tomorrow, don't be afraid of what it will do to them, they will want to know sooner rather than later in the grand scheme of things. I'm sure they will want to be with the two of you and you won't feel so lonely either

DTA338 · 30-11-2013 03:57AM

I genuinely feel upset for you OP. I am sorry this is happening to you and to your wife. Show this lady every bit of love you have for her as often as you can. That's the only advice I could offer.

Smidge · 30-11-2013 03:59AM

Play To Kill wrote: »

Yep, in any situation with the NHS caring and understanding as we know it in Ireland is lacking. It's not that they don't care, they do, they really do but they have rules to follow. I find all structures in the UK to be the same, you can only push so far but eventually you have to back off and respect their way of doing things. If it was Ireland I'd just tell them to **** off but doing that here is only inviting the police to drop round and escort you out.

My honest opinion??
(Having dealt with the HSE for many years now).

Don't expend anymore energy fighting the "man"(apart from the obvious of needing medical help for your wife).

If your wife has been given a terminal diagnosis then that's the matter at hand.
You can do what I did and rail against the machine(and looking back I would have so kicked myself up the ar5e if it had been a "life limiting" condition my child had) as I would have wasted so much time and energy on them and not on what really mattered, in my case a child, in yours your wife.

Play To Kill · 30-11-2013 04:04AM

DesperateDan wrote: »

Also tell your families tomorrow

Yeah I will, despite peoples misgivings about my posting this in after hours I am glad that I did. I had to just say something somewhere to someone to get it out of my head. That probably makes no sense to you but it does to me.

foggy_lad · 30-11-2013 04:10AM

It is possibly the worst news to get and my thoughts are with ye both. My advice is to get home near family if at all possible and as soon as you can. Both of ye will need and benefit from the support of family even if it is someone dropping in for a few minutes for a coffee during the day or a sister who might help with dressing or showering if needed.

brummytom · 30-11-2013 04:11AM

I'm nowhere near your situation.. but my uncle is dying at the moment. He's also my godfather, we're very very close. More mates than family.

The only thing you can do is let her dictate everything. Even if you feel annoyed/distressed/even distraught, at the end of the day, she's the priority. There may be things she wants to talk about that you feel uncomfortable with. But even so, listen. Over here, we have Macmillan... the closest thing I can find in Ireland is http://www.cancer.ie/ ... I can't even imagine what you're going through at the moment, but make sure you have support. Though your wife is suffering immensely, don't let yourself go without any help as well.

All the best, OP. I hope you and your wife are content.

taytobreath · 30-11-2013 04:11AM

Play To Kill wrote: »

Yeah I will, despite peoples misgivings about my posting this in after hours I am glad that I did. I had to just say something somewhere to someone to get it out of my head. That probably makes no sense to you but it does to me.

hey, if u feel it keeps you in a sane mood, keep talking here. the lads here have the compassion to behave themselves, keep chatting if thats what makes you feel better

overexcitedaj · 30-11-2013 04:14AM

Play To Kill wrote: »

Yeah I will, despite peoples misgivings about my posting this in after hours I am glad that I did. I had to just say something somewhere to someone to get it out of my head. That probably makes no sense to you but it does to me.

It is important to talk to others. You may feel alone at this time but I think I speak for everyone here on boards when I say that we are here with you to help in whatever way we can. If you need someone to just talk with please do not hesitate to PM me for my skype account or something.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.

Mr. Tom · 30-11-2013 04:23AM

Words can mean so little at a time like this. Empty. A bunch of letters stuck together on a screen. I feel great hesitation and inadequacy for even trying to offer you words. I could never begin, to properly comprehend the difficulty and complexity of the situation you have both found yourselves in.

Be that as it may, I wish and hope, in a vastly under-qualified but most sincere manner, that you can be, you can try-to-be, or you can try and stay, as strong as you possibly can, in these most difficult and challenging times. I wish and hope also, you can be, or can try-to-be, as positive as you can possibly be, for both your wife and for also yourself.

My wife is dying

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