The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Trampolines used to be called Jumpolines, until yer ma got on one.

Comer1 wrote: »

Dolphins are not fish. Pity, this joke could have been so good. :-(

Oh lighten up will you

rolliepoley wrote: »

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”

A man exposes himself to 2 elderly ladies in the park.

One had a stroke

The other couldn't reach.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I'm shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

That's deep!

I'm hooked.

BED SHEETS
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the s**t out of a ghost.

A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together. The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.

In a subdued voice he replied, "Do you remember that jewellers' we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?"

Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said, "Yes, of course I remember that shop."

"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

padma wrote: »

You stole my joke from two days ago

And I stole if from you and posted it somewhere else :P

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

An Australian poetry competition held in the Sydney opera house had come down to two finalists, an university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word and had two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word. The word they were given was TIMBUKTU.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate ,he stepped to the microphone and said,
SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN
MEN ON CAMELS TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION -TIMBUKTU

The crowd went crazy, no way the old aboriginal could top that they thought,
the aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited

ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP UP TENT
THEY WERE THREE AND WE WERE TWO
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU

the aboriginal won

inc21 wrote: »

isn't gig 1024 mb?

Megabits

[Deleted User] wrote: »

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but




prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need


arose.





As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found


locally, so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located


who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his


blood for the Arab.





After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for


Giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and $50,000 dollars.





A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a


corrective surgery.





The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to


donate his blood again.





After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you


card and a box of Laura Secord chocolates.





The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his


kind gesture as he had anticipated.





He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you'd be generous again, that


you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money...but you only gave me a


thank-you card and a box of chocolates."





To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins! "

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GerB40 wrote: »

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Some of the jokes here are twenty or more years old, so what, it is good to hear them again, nothing wrong with that. There jokes.