The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley · 13-11-2013 09:00PM

Murphy walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies very interested in me – they're constantly calling, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Murphy happily gets up to leave. ”By the way,” asks the boss as Murphy is getting up, “which three companies keep calling you?” "If you must know," says Murphy, "It's the electric company, water company, and phone company."

EoghanIRL · 14-11-2013 12:41AM

As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be ****ing hilarious.

MonkieSocks · 14-11-2013 12:45AM

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Hagar the Nice. · 14-11-2013 12:24PM

A drunk walks into a library and says, "Can I have fish and chips, please?"
The woman says, "Sir, this is a library!"
The drunk says, "Oh, sorry!" then whispers, "Can I have fish and chips, please?"

Anyone · 14-11-2013 02:18PM

I ordered a latte at Starbucks.

The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo.

"That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it."

"Thank you sir," he smiled, "That will be €19.99."

rolliepoley · 14-11-2013 10:10PM

A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked "How do fish breath under water?" His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, "I really don't know, son." The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, "How does our boat float on the water?" Once again his dad replied, "Don’t know, son." Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks "Why is the sky blue?" Again, his dad replied. "Don’t know, son." The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time "Dad, do you mind that I'm asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not son." replied his dad, "How else are you ever going to learn anything?"

EoghanIRL · 15-11-2013 12:50AM

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

FanadMan · 15-11-2013 03:53AM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

Has to be one of the most unfunniest jokes ever

Howard Juneau · 15-11-2013 09:13AM

FanadMan wrote: »

Has to be one of the most unfunniest jokes ever

Would you prefer pogostick?

MonkieSocks · 15-11-2013 11:33PM

My three year old son was trying to open a Yoghurt today.

After a few minutes he began to get stressed and said "stupid Fooking lid".

My wife looked at me and said “where’d he got that from?".

I said “The Fridge, you stupid Fooking bitch"

padma · 16-11-2013 10:33AM

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJ calls someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet .

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'..?'

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: 'Sara.'

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian..! Is she at work..?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last..?'

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

DJ: 'Wow..! You really want that trip, huh..? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning..?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at..?'

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah..?'

Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it..?

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Anyone · 16-11-2013 11:28AM

I was sat with my girlfriend's dad as she was upstairs getting ready, when the embarrassing photos made an appearance.
"Here she is in the bath. She hates me showing this to anyone."
He just looked at me and said, "Fúck off out of my house."

rolliepoley · 17-11-2013 12:01AM

A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear.
After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly.
He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there.
I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick.
What's it gonna be?'
Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.'
The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear.
But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear.
'Today, I can rip your head off or you can **** me in the ass.'
Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll **** you in the ass Mr.Bear.'
The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear.
Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder.
The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'

EoghanIRL · 17-11-2013 01:48AM

Don't fart in an apple store

Because they don't have windows.

:P

EoghanIRL · 17-11-2013 01:50AM

I just had my first prostate examination.

Worst dentist ever.

FanadMan · 17-11-2013 04:12AM

EoghanIRL wrote: »

Don't fart in an apple store

Because they don't have windows.

:P

That's so bad, it's good

coolhull · 17-11-2013 11:23AM

FanadMan wrote: »

That's so bad, it's good

I wouldn't go that far.

EoghanIRL · 17-11-2013 02:11PM

coolhull wrote: »

I wouldn't go that far.

Tough crowd .. Jeez

rolliepoley · 17-11-2013 03:13PM

FanadMan wrote: »

That's so bad, it's good

That's so good, it smells bad.

rolliepoley · 17-11-2013 03:22PM

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Stanford. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

The young man thought for a moment and replied, “That would have to be a thought.”

“Why do you say that?” asked the president.

“Well, a thought takes no time at all…it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again.”

“Ahh, very good. Thank you,” replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

The young man paused and replied, “That would have to be a blink.”

“Why?” asked the president.

“Because you don’t even think about a blink, it’s just a reflex. You do it in an instant.”

The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, “I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on.”

“I see, very good,” replied the president.

Then, the young man from Stanford was called in. He, too, was asked, “What is the fastest thing in the world?”

“That’s easy…” he replied, “that would have to be diarrhea!”

Rather stunned, the president asked, “Why do you say that?”

“Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, i creamed myself ”

EoghanIRL · 18-11-2013 01:02AM

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

rolliepoley · 18-11-2013 11:44PM

Little Johnny's mother took him to a local department store one morning to see Santa,
As Little Johnny was approaching Santa, Santa asked "and what do you want for Christmas little boy?" followed by a laughter of HO! HO! HO!
Little Johnny replied, well that's mighty generous of you Santa, but one 'HO' will do me just fine!

rolliepoley · 18-11-2013 11:58PM

A scuba diver gets arrested for having sex with a dolphin. His wife is furious. “Caught making love to a dolphin! “How could you?” she says. That’s it I’m leaving you.” “Doesn’t bother me,” he says. “There’s plenty more fish in the sea!”

EoghanIRL · 19-11-2013 01:08AM

I went to the store to buy condoms last night.

The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag?"

I replied, "No, she's not that ugly."

Comer1 · 19-11-2013 01:11AM

rolliepoley wrote: »

A scuba diver gets arrested for having sex with a dolphin. His wife is furious. “Caught making love to a dolphin! “How could you?” she says. That’s it I’m leaving you.” “Doesn’t bother me,” he says. “There’s plenty more fish in the sea!”

Dolphins are not fish. Pity, this joke could have been so good. :-(

EoghanIRL · 20-11-2013 12:51AM

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

padma · 20-11-2013 09:49AM

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

.

.

"Well, I'm in the pub next to it!"

Iano_128 · 20-11-2013 03:16PM

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour’s daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him.. He isn't your father."

Iano_128 · 20-11-2013 03:16PM

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter"

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour’s daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him.. He isn't your father."

Mariasofia · 20-11-2013 05:35PM

An elderly couple have just learned how to send texts. The wife a romantic at heart, while out shopping one day decides to text the husband at home.
It reads : I love you. If you are sleeping send me your dreams. If you are laughing send me a smile. If you are eating send me a bite. If you are crying send me your tears.
The husbands reply is : Im on the toilet. Please advise.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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