Domestic Violence

Stheno wrote: »

I was thinking about this, and decided if even one man or woman suffering from domestic violence/being beaten due to their relationship/having their freedom restricted as a result of it and you read this and decide it worth taking action, then it's worth me posting.

I was literally a slave. I was locked into a flat at my abusers choosing, couldn't go to the shops, the library, anything. I had no life.

I got out by talking to my family and it took a great effort.

It hurt and for a long time I was very unsettled, worried and had my ex stalk me and my family.

Now he doesn't feature in my life at all (I suspect he's dead), I've a good enough relationship with my family, am in a long term relationship where I am constantly amazed at my parthers kindness and wonder why I put up with so much ****e for so long.

If you are in a crap situation, talk to your friends and family before it is too late. Talk to womens aid (if you are a woman) or AMEN (if you are a man) and get the advice you need to help you

I just walked as I'd no kids/possessions that were important, but if you have read this thread and related to it and thought you'd like to be me or any other poster on here who has gotten away there is help there. Find it and use it.

And best of luck.

Can't say it better then that.

This thread has been an eye opener for me in more then one way.

I'm even starting to wonder if there are support groups around for former victims of domestic violence. Places where we can go and feel safe to share what happened to you or just sit and listen if you wish to.

I might have to do some checking around but I've got so many ideas running through my head now it is unreal....but in a good way.

T runner wrote: »

Another reason why women might be reluctant to leave abusive men is that the time when they leave or just after is the most dangerous time for the woman. When some men claim theyw ill kill their partner if they leave them, they are deadly serious and the woman understands this.

Judging by this thread and others, violence against woman seems to be a huge problem in Ireland.

Unfortunately not just in Ireland.

Just a note on the gender aspect of domestic violence that should be said.

Heres a defintion of domestic violence against women that id agree with:

Domestic violence against women by men is 'caused' by the misuse of power and control within a context of male privilege. Male privilege operates on an individual and societal level to maintain a situation of male dominance, where men have power over women and children. In this way, domestic violence by men against women can be seen as a consequence of the inequalities between men and women, rooted in patriarchal traditions that encourage men to believe they are entitled to power and control over their partners.....Ultimately, responsibility for the violence must lie with the perpetrator of that violence, despite any societal influences that we may draw on in order to understand the context of the behaviour.
.......Research shows that violent men are most likely to perpetrate violence in response to their own sexual jealousy and possessiveness; their demands for domestic services; and in order to demonstrate male authority.

And this accounts for the huge disparity in numbers of domestic violence cases between the sexes.

From some very honest accounts by women on this thread, this sense of entitlement and control from the abuser seems to be evident. In his view of a male/female relationship , he feels a right to control, have power and male authority over her. He uses this control in order to make her behave as he believes she should behave as a female in his learned view of a relationship.

From the couple of male cases here, this societal element is not evident and the abuser's violence or need for control is not related to how society views males, females or their relationships.

I think its important to point this out, as it changes how we might need to solve and in particular pre-vent. There will always be bad individuals who who have a propensity to control or be violent regardless of which society they learn from. This doesnt explain the vast amount of male cases (agaisnt women).

As a male i dont tolerate any negativity against women. For example, if i hear a male aquaintance utter a negativity about women, i will stop him and correct him. Domestic Violence against women is in fact, a mens issue.

Do we really believe women are equal to men, and relationships are a joining of 2 equals? If we do, then we dont tolerate anything but that view in our culture. There cant be any more violence against women because the majority of men who are good, have stayed silent while the bad ones teach young boys their view of women.


This excellent TED talk by Jackson Katz explains it a lot better than i can. You might disagree with this position, but if you have a few minutes have a look at this before you do.

The Big Smoke wrote: »

Violence against men is very real and a problem. Saying its a "mens issue" is utter bollocks. I say that as someone with a fair bit of experience as to what it's like.

I think abuse by women against men stems from a different place though. Both are equally awful and equally real. Neither is "more of an issue", but I think men abusing women is easier to explain or understand- by this I don't mean condone- men are seen as strong, women are weaker/oppressed etc. Then there's the whole "slut shaming" issue thrown in the mix.
That's just my opinion though- both are obviously horrendous and wrong, no matter what, and neither is more normal or accepted than the other.

I have a friend in a violent relationship. He only told me about a while back when he was very drunk, and won't talk about it sober. So now the issue is ignored. His girlfriend is a very controlling jealous girl.

RiverOfLove wrote: »

Do others here have any experiences of domestic violence?

Yes. :mad: