Why is my girlfriend ignoring me/acting distant

wirelessdude01 · 13-09-2013 06:25PM

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

That is what i thought as well,it dosen't take up a persons day to send a text,but i guess that is just what she wants,even before this week she was a slow texter where as I am a fast texter.

You seem to be contradicting yourself a little. You said earlier that she used to sometimes initiate text contact. That ain't a slow/reluctant texter. Something has changed and it is her/her circumstances.

Anyway forget about her. Ring a mate and go for a spur of the moment pint. Lets see how long it take her to make contact with you.

Irish_Mafia · 13-09-2013 07:27PM

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

You seem to be contradicting yourself a little. You said earlier that she used to sometimes initiate text contact. That ain't a slow/reluctant texter. Something has changed and it is her/her circumstances.

Anyway forget about her. Ring a mate and go for a spur of the moment pint. Lets see how long it take her to make contact with you.

She did at times,anyways she seems to be ok about things now,im off for a couple of pints with one of the lads.

This soap opera has come to a close haha,thank you for all your advice

fullstop · 13-09-2013 07:27PM

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Anyway forget about her. Ring a mate and go for a spur of the moment pint. Lets see how long it take her to make contact with you.

This. Forget her for a while. There's a reason she went cold in the first place. You know by the tone of someone's texts if something's up and from what you say there's been something up with her all week before the 'neediness' started.

letssee7 · 13-09-2013 09:34PM

I think its easy to berate yourself over this. There is a tendency for whatever reason for people to say you have to meet her standards. The fact is a relationship is a two way thing.

Rather than suggest she needs more space (ie. be open with you) she just gave you the silent treatment. That was wrong of her and horrible. You reacted to this. Again not in a good way, but why should you need to behave solely to make her happy.

I was in a similar position before and did the same as you. Later she admitted there was another guy, she wanted to stay in touch but clearly im not going to talk to her again, I was heartbroken. When I went on advice forums about the new distance, I was told I was freaking out and that I should be giving her space, I should have dumped her when I started receiving the silent treatment, because I had been a great guy to her up to that point. Instead I asked her what had her so upset, she didn't respond and didn't reply to a voicemail, I felt terrible- the reality was she was stringing me along and wanted to keep doing it... What your on the receiving end of is a warning signal, the first weeks of college are hilariously easy, not even Barack Obama is under to much stress to maintain good contact. The way I see it there is something serious about this relationship that your gf isn't bring open about and its destroying it, not you.

In summary what you want is every bit as important to this relationship as what she wants.

Systemic Risk · 13-09-2013 11:42PM

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Not everyone has to text constantly. As I've already said I might not text my boyfriend for a couple of days for whatever reason.

Didnt you say ye were goin out 6 years. Do ye even live in same area? I find this odd to be honest. Im goin out with my gf for 3 years and we dont live together but it would be very rare that we wouldnt see each other for more than a couple of days let alone not sending a text to see how each others days going.

Op i still think you should chill out a bit and let her do the chasing for a while. Some girls like you to be affectionate and full on, others dont. With some girls the more full on you are the less they are interested. She is with you five months now so she obviously is or at least was interested in you so take the hint, play it cool, have fun with your own friends and dont be avoiding making your own plans in case she decides she suddenly has time for you.

You have her up on a pedestal which you need to take her down from fairly feckin lively. Is she really all that great? You hinted that you had similar problems with other relationships. Im sure at the time you thought your ex-gfs were great too but guess what...you moved on. If this doesnt work out you will meet someone else who will be great too. Eventually you will meet someone really great and she will think you are as well, but in the mean time have fun and have as much sex as possible (with your girlfriend obviously). Maybe your current one will turn out to be really great but from the sounds of things ye are singing from different hymn sheets. Best of luck OP.

XxMCRxBabyxX · 13-09-2013 11:52PM

Systemic Risk wrote: »

Didnt you say ye were goin out 6 years. Do ye even live in same area? I find this odd to be honest. Im goin out with my gf for 3 years and we dont live together but it would be very rare that we wouldnt see each other for more than a couple of days let alone not sending a text to see how each others days going.

We are together six and a half years yes. He is currently working full time during the week in Dublin and I work all sorts of hours in three different places at the moment. It makes it difficult to see each other but we still manage one or two days a week. It'll be tougher when I'm back in college but again we'll make it work. We always have.

That doesn't mean that I have to be in contact with him 24/7 instead though. If I'm working I tend to be shattered afterwards which means I'm totally distracted and won't text anyone back not even my boyfriend. Even at the best of times I'm busy and easily distracted. It doesn't mean that we don't stay in touch though. I know what's going on with him, the current story of the business he's working on, who did what. I'll just get it over one long phone call or chat when I see him as opposed to a text every day. And at the same time, I know if there is something wrong I can text or call him at any time and he can do the same.

Maybe it's not conventional but I don't see a problem with it.

LegacyUser · 14-09-2013 03:36AM

There are a lot of posts in this thread that are contradictory to others I have read in relation to a boyfriend suddenly becoming distant. Everyone is telling the op to chill and this is normal, whereas a sudden shift in contact patterns usually indicates something more when it comes to relationships, other than a slight situation change such as starting college.

I think the OP is right to be wary. She knows he is upset and she hasnt taken his feelings into consideration. She has not even tried to make contact at all and now he is suffering over it. It doesnt take 2 minutes out of someones day to send a text or call someone they say they care about and ask them how they are.

Usually in other threads posters would be urging the op to cut contact and move on.

Systemic Risk · 14-09-2013 08:48AM

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

Maybe it's not conventional but I don't see a problem with it.

Of course its not a problem, im sorry i didnt mean to imply it was. Everyones is different and as long as you and your partner are on the same page and happy nothing else matters.

Moomoo1 · 14-09-2013 12:05PM

just play it cool and see how long she takes to reply

but at some (not too distant) date you might want to, in a very diplomatic way, allude to the fact that you aren't really happy with her not replying to texts, cancelling meetings without even talking about them etc. It's your relationship, you have a right to not feel unhappy.

wirelessdude01 · 14-09-2013 06:08PM

Irish_Mafia, any word from her since?

Irish_Mafia · 14-09-2013 06:16PM

Yeah texting away last night,she is at a concert tonight with a load of friends,i passed an important exam today and told her that I did. I expect her to congratulate me at some point tonight but if she dosent then I will lose a LOT of respect for her.

Esoteric_ · 14-09-2013 06:25PM

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

Yeah texting away last night,she is at a concert tonight with a load of friends,i passed an important exam today and told her that I did. I expect her to congratulate me at some point tonight but if she dosent then I will lose a LOT of respect for her.

If she's going to be at a concert tonight, why would you lose respect for her if she doesn't congratulate you tonight? Surely tomorrow would do?

I've been following this thread and honestly, you need to start taking the advice you've been given. Call her, once, and stop texting! If she doesn't answer the call, leave her to it.

She's wrong to go from lots of contact to just ignoring you without telling you if she wants space, but you honestly sound obsessed with her. Just stop texting!

dudara · 14-09-2013 06:29PM

@wirelessdude01 - please take the time to read the forum charter. Requesting updates is against the charter.

Do not ask for updates/to be kept updated

dudara

wirelessdude01 · 14-09-2013 06:36PM

dudara wrote: »

@wirelessdude01 - please take the time to read the forum charter. Requesting updates is against the charter.

dudara

Sorry, my bad.

ivytwine · 15-09-2013 01:44PM

Many years ago, when I first started college I was going out with someone who was working weekends and doing around 20 hours of his course as well. And I expected constant texting too.

I actually think it was a contributory factor to why we broke up, I had no idea of how knackered and tired he was (he worked nights) and I was way too clingy.

Now I'm older and wiser and have a good bit of experience of working while in college, I can see how exhausting it is to be constantly texting, especially if you have nothing really to say.

I'd come home from work and not want to talk to anyone. I'd come home from college and just want a mindless evening watching TV and having tea with the housemates. Or I'd go on a night out and not want to miss things by being latched to my phone.

You need to chill out or you will drive her away. Take her at her word. Find something else to occupy your time.

Or else there's a real danger that she will just get so sick of you that she will end it.

Irish_Mafia · 15-09-2013 02:49PM

Still no word,she has been online on fb,made a lot of activity and still hasn't bothered to text to let me know how last night went. Its bad form on her behalf folks no matter what you say,ive done all I can now and just hope she will make some sort of contact before I will have to cut things off for good.

ibarelycare · 15-09-2013 03:02PM

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

Still no word,she has been online on fb,made a lot of activity and still hasn't bothered to text to let me know how last night went. Its bad form on her behalf folks no matter what you say,ive done all I can now and just hope she will make some sort of contact before I will have to cut things off for good.

Why does she have to let you know how last night went?

Irish_Mafia · 15-09-2013 03:09PM

Well its common decency to hear from your ''girlfriend''??

regress · 15-09-2013 03:12PM

Did she enquire about how you did in your exam? My feeling is that it is over but she is putting off telling you. But don't do anything rash.

ivytwine · 15-09-2013 03:14PM

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

Still no word,she has been online on fb,made a lot of activity and still hasn't bothered to text to let me know how last night went. Its bad form on her behalf folks no matter what you say,ive done all I can now and just hope she will make some sort of contact before I will have to cut things off for good.

Yes it is bad form for her to ignore you.

But...

She is an autonomous person with desires, feelings, emotions of her own. Monitoring her Facebook and demanding that she keeps you up to date on the minituae of her day is having the opposite effect. You're driving her away. You're making her feel like contacting you is a chore.

For example, she gets a piece of good news. If she is in a happy relationship where she is not being smothered, she'll think, "Oh I can't wait to tell the boyfriend." If she's in a situation where contact is demanded 24/7, she will think, "Oh god, I better tell him before he freaks out from hearing from someone else." This is making contact a chore. Texting is a chore tbh and I can't understand why ye can't arrange to have Skype dates twice a week or meet up rather than text indefinitely for the day. Is it not enough to text her going to bed, or first thing in the morning and leave it at that? Why must you be enmenshed in each other like this? It's neither adult nor healthy.

If you feel like you must break up with this girl, or she gets there first, I urge you to step back and examine your behaviour. You're acting like this relationship is the only important facet in your life, whereas in a healthy relationship, both parties have healthy lives outside of the relationship.

ibarelycare · 15-09-2013 03:18PM

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

Well its common decency to hear from your ''girlfriend''??

She's not obliged to keep in contact with you every day.

I think you should break up with her tbh. You're torturing yourself because of your neediness and crazy insecurities. Do your girlfriend and yourself a favour and put an end to it. It's not going to last much longer anyway, your desperation is a massive turn-off and completely irrational. You seriously need to see a counsellor about your issues, if you want to have a lasting relationship in the future.

Irish_Mafia · 15-09-2013 03:35PM

I was chatting to my sister last night and she said the same thing,that its over.Now I appreciate everyones advice but sometimes you have to make your own mind up.I should end it because this is not going to work,I am not that needy,its not like I am constantly annoying her,6 or 7 texts for the whole week back and forth is hardly needy?? I just care about her a lot,and isnt that what unrequited love is??

Catari Jaguar · 15-09-2013 03:48PM

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

I was chatting to my sister last night and she said the same thing,that its over.Now I appreciate everyones advice but sometimes you have to make your own mind up.I should end it because this is not going to work,I am not that needy,its not like I am constantly annoying her,6 or 7 texts for the whole week back and forth is hardly needy?? I just care about her a lot,and isnt that what unrequited love is??

I don't want to be harsh on you here, I think a lot of posters have been, without knowing the full set up ec and it's hard to express yourself and the situation in a few sentences.

It comes across that you are infatuated with your girlfriend. You have only know her for 5 months. That really isn't long enough to truly know a person and "love" them. Love is putting another person's feelings before your own, you aren't. You are putting your insecurities first. She is definitely not putting your feelings first, as she is prioritising her college life. She has EVERY RIGHT to do that. Realistically, you are a lad she has only know for 5 months.

A relationship imo, shouldn't ever hinder you from doing what makes you happy independently from your partner. You aren't one entity. Your pride may be hurt but that is again, your own insecurity and really isn't her problem/ responsibility. She seems a little selfish, incosiderate and immature, but again this is her first relationship and she's younger than you - you knew what you were getting into so you can't hold it agaist her.

I think that unless you can disentangle yourself, take her off the pedestal she's on and have your own fun/interests without living through her, you are doomed to failure.

ivytwine · 15-09-2013 03:51PM

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

I was chatting to my sister last night and she said the same thing,that its over.Now I appreciate everyones advice but sometimes you have to make your own mind up.I should end it because this is not going to work,I am not that needy,its not like I am constantly annoying her,6 or 7 texts for the whole week back and forth is hardly needy?? I just care about her a lot,and isnt that what unrequited love is??

No it's not OP and having read back over the thread I do agree that she should have acknowledged your exam. But...

What tone is used in the text? Is it nagging, passive aggressive, which? I think perhaps this girl is using her time in college to figure out what she wants and maybe that's no longer you. And getting your friend involved was just disastrous frankly.

Perhaps there's a way out of this, but for the love of god, talk to her face to face, no by text or Facebook. I think that's another problem. Texting is not appropriate for important conversations. It's too short and condensed and its too easy to misconstrue something.

If this is the end for ye, learn something from it:

1. Work on yourself so you no longer require another person to be your sole validation.

2. Give someone space no matter how much you adore them. They're still just a person at the end of the day.

3. The best medium of communication is face to face. Anything else is just for trivialities.

4. Don't ever let a third party get involved or mediate in your relationship (unless they're a professional counsellor).

osarusan · 15-09-2013 03:52PM

My advice would be that if it is over, make sure you wait for her to tell you, instead of you pre-empting it because of her 'bad form' over texting.

My own two cents are that you are hugely over-analysing every aspect of this, and consequently reading far too much into it.

as an edit to this post, just wanted to add (I know it's a different kind of relationship, and apparently with less insecurity) that the only text message I've receieved from my wife in the last 8 days is 'buy milk please'.

Irish_Mafia · 15-09-2013 04:06PM

Apart from her annoyance at my friend contacting her she was fine regarding her texts friday night,she carried on chatting like everything was ok and sent a cute little good night text,actually 2. But yes I agree that we need to sit down and talk face to face,how long that will be remains to be seen.

Irish_Mafia · 15-09-2013 07:28PM

She said she wants to end it folks. A long text saying how she dosent think relationships are right for her right now and that she is really sorry and upset. And that she would be to upset to do it face to face. I rang her and we had a chat and I said how we could make things work out but only if she wanted to,that i can't force the girl into doing anything and that im very attached to her and she means a lot to me.I finished the call by saying I will leave her be and have a think for herself.

ibarelycare · 15-09-2013 07:30PM

Sorry to hear that. And sorry to say this, but don't get your hopes up about her changing her mind. It sounds like she has made her mind up. Take care of yourself.

Stavro Mueller · 15-09-2013 07:33PM

The way events have unfolded, I'm not surprised to read this at all. Ibarelycare is right - don't get your hopes up. It's over. If there is any further contact, do not try to guilt her into getting back with you. It's a recipe for disaster.

The next bit you're not going to want to hear at all. The only way to get over a breakup is to cut contact. That's right - no calls, texts, Facebook.... All that staying in contact does is gives you false hope.

wirelessdude01 · 15-09-2013 07:41PM

She has nothing to think about. It is over and I sorry to say this but I would bet money that there is already someone on the scene or at the very least she has feelings towards someone and is pretty sure they are replicated. Would advise not trying to remain friends with this girl at all. She hasn't covered herself in glory with the way she has been.

Why is my girlfriend ignoring me/acting distant

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