Why is my girlfriend ignoring me/acting distant

Irish_Mafia

My girlfriend of 5 months has started acting strange the past few days. It all began monday night when i text to say how was she and she sent 2 brief texts before saying she was heading out with her mates in college(first night back)that was fine.So i left her be yesterday and no contact which was strange because we talk everyday. So i sent her a cute text this morning and she replied hey babe but then said she had a lecture and chat to you later.I waited all day until a couple of hours ago and said how was your day?(no big deal right) and again nothing back. Am i worrying about nothing? Ladies what do you think? Should I just leave her alone now and see what happens? She knows i really really care about her

I am 24 and she is 20.

IrishEyes19

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

My girlfriend of 5 months has started acting strange the past few days. It all began monday night when i text to say how was she and she sent 2 brief texts before saying she was heading out with her mates in college(first night back)that was fine.So i left her be yesterday and no contact which was strange because we talk everyday. So i sent her a cute text this morning and she replied hey babe but then said she had a lecture and chat to you later.I waited all day until a couple of hours ago and said how was your day?(no big deal right) and again nothing back. Am i worrying about nothing? Ladies what do you think? Should I just leave her alone now and see what happens? She knows i really really care about her

I am 24 and she is 20.

Is it possible she's just caught up with college work, being back this week or last week. Try not to be too worried, Id imagine she is seeing her friends for the first time again after the summer. give it till weekend, and if you still feel the same, just be direct with her.

Irish_Mafia

Thanks for your reply,thing is I was meant to be visiting her tomorrow night in college but no word either on that and she will be away at the weekend at a concert,so it will be another week or so before i get to see her. I freak out easily at this sort of stuff but its just not like her

Maybe give her some space. She's back to college and is meeting her friends, that she probably hasn't seen for a while. She's probably going to be busy for the first week or so, so just keep that in mind.

NicoleL88

Are you doing all this by text? Why don't you just call her and ask how she's settling back into college and then judging by how she is on the phone you could gently ask if there's anything on her mind.

Irish_Mafia

Yeah we usually text alot but I didnt want to seem needy by calling her,even though I may have to eventually. So should I just leave her be now,no contact till she gets back to me or is it a sign she is going off me? Its killing me ha.

NicoleL88

Well the way you're describing it, her lack of contact seems out of the ordinary. I wouldn't call her now as it's after 1am and she could be asleep. If you feel ok with it you could just text her and ask if everything is alright as you haven't heard back from her.

I've been in your situation many a time and I know how frustrating it is to just keep wondering why the person isn't getting back to you.

TheChizler

There's no big issue with a call is there? As long as you call and keep it casual (no accusing or making a big deal of the call) there should be no problem.

Edit: obviously wait until a more reasonable hour.

Irish_Mafia

Yeah i guess tomorrow will play a big part in this. If she dosen't make any form of communication either by text or facebook then i will seriously start to worry. I treat her like a queen and she knows that,this was slightly going on before she started back to college when the odd day i wouldnt hear from her and the next all over me. Ive slept with her in college last week so cant see why that would change things either? If she dosent contact tomorrow is it a sign of the end?

NicoleL88

Woah now, there's no need to talk about "The End". Just go to bed, have a good nights sleep and then see what happens tomorrow. I know you're worried but right now there is absolutely nothing you can do. Worrying is pointless!

Call her tomorrow and that way you won't have to wait for a reply via text.

holyhead

Hey try and hit the hay. Things always seem worse than they really are if your tired. Ultimately actions speak louder than words so let her contact you. I really would'nt pursue it. She has your number and if she wants to contact you she will.
She may be busy, have things on her mind and god knows what else. Give her space and as I say if someone wants to do something they will just maybe in their own time. From what I have read you have done your bit and try and keep your mind occupied or you'll go spare

Irish_Mafia

Its also the fact that she is up there in college,2 nights a week and im here twidling my thumbs,I trust her but she can be flirty with other lads so im doing a lot of overthinking on that as well. She has gone quiet in the past but usually it was me not contacting her enough,we got over that and now this drastic change of no contact or very little is bizzare.

Irish_Mafia

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

Its also the fact that she is up there in college,2 nights a week and im here twidling my thumbs,I trust her but she can be flirty with other lads so im doing a lot of overthinking on that as well. She has gone quiet in the past but usually it was me not contacting her enough,we got over that and now this drastic change of no contact or very little is bizzare.

This is effectively the crux of the matter, OP. You're letting your mind go to these dark places. I wouldn't say it's bizarre as such; you were together only 5 months, meaning that you were not together last September when college started once more. Did you know her then? She's young - at only 20, she's still going to want to enjoy all that Fresher's week would bring. Give her the week.

Merkin

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

Yeah we usually text alot but I didnt want to seem needy by calling her

She's your girlfriend of five months, why would calling her be needy? Isn't that what couples do?

I would always be concerned if someone suddenly changes a usual pattern of behaviour. There are two possibilities here:

a. She is caught up with college, seeing all her pals again and is a bit busy and precoccupied

b. She's not sure if she feels the same way about you anymore.

Why don't you arrange to meet her at the weekend and establish what's going on?

Irish_Mafia

I contacted her this morning to see was she ok? and told her that I am here for her etc. She replied im fine you eejit,just busy with college. I said grand and all that lark and she's gone quiet since that again,ive done all i can do now and guess its up to her to start making frequent contact again?

Taltos

OP - you need to cool your jets or you will push her away.

She is in college 2 nights a week - of course she is going to be mental busy catching up with course work, making new friends, study etc. Last thing she needs is to be distracted from all of that by someone bombarding her with texts.

You have to realise your relationship has changed, embrace that - make her time at home special but give her space or you will just end up pushing her away.

wirelessdude01

You going up to her tonight?

Irish_Mafia

Yeah I think I will leave her be now,she knows my concern and I told her i understand her being busy in college,some thinking time should do her good and us both good in terms of the future of this relationship.

wirelessdude01

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

Yeah I think I will leave her be now,she knows my concern and I told her i understand her being busy in college,some thinking time should do her good and us both good in terms of the future of this relationship.

Would I be wrong in thinking that ye are both quite young? Future of the relationship really shouldn't be an issue if ye are.
Get your own life going and if ye end up together in the end all well and good but she isn't your life and don't ever fall into the trap of thinking that she is at such a young age.

Irish_Mafia

Yeah im getting on with my own life and that and I dont mean ''future'' as in marriage etc but just the near future as a couple,im very attached to her.

wirelessdude01

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

Yeah im getting on with my own life and that and I dont mean ''future'' as in marriage etc but just the near future as a couple,im very attached to her.

This makes me think you might have her on a pedestal. She is just a person.
Don't be sitting at home as you say twidling your thumbs. I know she has gone to college and you mightn't want to hear it but if she was starting this behaviour before she went back then it could be a sign of things to come. Not saying it could/will be the end but it could be a possibility. I can honestly say i don't know one couple that made it through college that were together before college or ones who got together during college.

Concentrate on yourself and your own life. No twidling or you could be left with nothing in the end.

Irish_Mafia

We were grand before she started back to college,she did say do you think we can work things come sept and i said yes if we both want to,I will tell you this,she didn't want a relationship at the very beginning but I played it cool and eased her into it. I'm beginning to think now she just needs a bit of space and time to reflect on the other important things in her life. I told her that I want her to get on and get her education and she respected me for that.She is young though,4 years younger than me and Ive had a lot of girlfriends and will have plenty more,right now she is what makes me happy and I want to make her happy. My best pal and his girl met before college,and are still together now and living happily in Australia,so there is hope for some .

HalloweenJack

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

I contacted her this morning to see was she ok? and told her that I am here for her etc. She replied im fine you eejit,just busy with college. I said grand and all that lark and she's gone quiet since that again,ive done all i can do now and guess its up to her to start making frequent contact again?

I think this says a lot.

Obviously, you know her better and I'm just going on an instinct here but if she really said "I'm fine, you eejit" (regardless of tone) than I think she feels a bit smothered and you need to back off a bit.

Irish_Mafia

Im just so worried that i will lose the girl,I really dont want that,but i can hardly contact her again after 3 times in a row?

HalloweenJack

Definitely give her a break. I think it's obvious she needs a bit of space right now.

I know that isn't what you want to hear but that's the vibe I get from the whole situation.

Irish_Mafia

I know and thanks for your advice,its just so hard when you are used to hearing from a person and feeling happy at the simplest little things like a good night text.

Systemic Risk

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

I know and thanks for your advice,its just so hard when you are used to hearing from a person and feeling happy at the simplest little things like a good night text.

I know you're really attached to her and all but try relax a bit for a while and see how she plays it. Dont text asking her to meet up and see if she takes the initiative. If she makes no attempt to meet up or barely texts or calls you then perhaps you have a problem.

She is young and in college but after 5 months in a proper relationship thats going somewhere you shouldnt have these insecurities and this lack of communication. It also seems like there is a lack of trust as you mention her being overly flirty. It should be a lot easier for you both as there should be a strong desire on both parties to be in each others company as often as posdible. However given that she is just starting back to college give her a bit of time and space.

Niallsi

Hi op,

I was in the exact same spot a few years ago. Everything was going fine and then all of sudden she got distant like that. I pushed to talk and she dumped me.

Best thing to do is the play it cool and go with the flow.
Sometimes girls get afraid and they get cold feet and you acting intense although your not trying to will run her away.

Keep calm and enjoy yourself. Meet some mates at the weekend and go on the beer and forget about it for a while.

Irish_Mafia

I was thinking too much bombarding with texts will drive her away so im going cold turkey until she makes contact again,but damn it hurts like hell,she will be with her mates at a concert this weekend and hell yes im going out with the lads,will just have to refrain myself from a drunken text sunday am

COYVB

Jesus just give her a ring tomorrow and man up ffs

NicoleL88

Weren't you supposed to be visiting her tonight?

Irish_Mafia

Yeah,no word since.

XxMCRxBabyxX

Just to give a different perspective:

I can sometimes text my boyfriend constantly and then get really quiet for ages. I don't meant to do it but I'll just get really distracted with other stuff like college or work or just life in general. It doesn't mean that I love him any less, it just means that I am way too easily distracted at times! I would probably react in the same way as your girlfriend if he rang me too. In saying that, we've been together for six and a half years now and he knows what I'm like but it could still be the same situation for you. Don't get too worried up about it just yet.

Angeles

Given time and age i think OP is right to worry, but more because of the red flag this is putting up in his own mind, which hopefully can lead to a change in how you react in future and continue to mature.
I can see 2 potential causes.
1- you're in love with this girl op and have a strong tormenting desire/need to spend all of your time with her
2- There is quite a high level of insecurity in you and and need far more attention from your partner then perhaps she is able to give.
Ask yourself why "you" are so tormented by a couple of days without communication op. This is less about the actual lack of communication and more about that.

In general when a relationship takes a drastic change from high communication to low communication it means some of the priorities have shifted from one of the perspectives while remaining the same on the other.
This lack of communication or knowledge as to why the op is suddenly twiddling his thumbs can be a horrible torment for any partner who's not on the same wave-link so to speak.

Everyone is saying relax and calm down a bit, and they are right to do so, but it sounds like to me your pushing for a much higher need requirement then she is able to give right now, and that can be a deal breaker based on your own needs.
You will drive yourself up the walls with this op, even when people tell you to try not to so perhaps try to find out why you think its bothering you so much and when you find THAT answer, it might be worth communicating to your gf to see if the needs can be met.

Irish_Mafia

I told a friend what was going on and he privately messaged her and said how i was worried about her and upset and that i ''loved the hole of her'',she text this morning saying what was i upset about and all that and i replied by saying that im not upset but just wondering why she has gone quiet the past week and that the last thing i want is to be a dose but that its nice to hear from her. No word back since but i think this could have potentially killed it??

Niallsi

Irish_Mafia wrote: »

I told a friend what was going on and he privately messaged her and said how i was worried about her and upset and that i ''loved the hole of her'',she text this morning saying what was i upset about and all that and i replied by saying that im not upset but just wondering why she has gone quiet the past week and that the last thing i want is to be a dose but that its nice to hear from her. No word back since but i think this could have potentially killed it??

I think you should have said nothing. Your friend prob shouldn't have messaged her, it's looks a bit weak on your side.

Irish_Mafia

Yeah an idiot to go doing that but he didnt mean any harm,it does look weak on my side but i just hope this dosent kill the relationship,i really do.

wirelessdude01

This is getting better than any soap. Why did your friend do that? Bloody gimp.

I know you said that you are 5years older than her but seriously why haven't you rang her about all this at an earlier date? This kinda stuff over text isn't good. Really is something that 15yr olds do.

Irish_Mafia

I was actually going to say this is turning into a soap opera ,he is an idiot but thought he would be doing good. I know i should have rang her but more importantly it's what I do today and the now. I will have to ring her in a while and talk it out properly or otherwise suggest we meet up and have a chat?

o1s1n

Hi OP. Apologies if this comes across as harsh, but you seriously need a reality check. Your constant need for your girlfriend to text you comes across as extremely needy and overbearing.

It's irritating. I find it irritating and I'm just a casual observer. I would imagine it's especially irritating for a 20 year old who has just gone back to college. She must feel smothered.

If you text someone on a regular basis and they don't text back - leave it. Leave it to a point where you may be concerned for their safety. Then ring them.

Don't text and text and text because you think she might be off 'flirting with guys'. This makes you seem desperate, clingy and don't trust her. And you know what? That's a massive turn off for most people.

You should have left her alone to get on with readjusting to college life, have been happy for her and then let her contact you when she felt like she was missing you.

Irish_Mafia

Yeah I am realizing that now,i have been a bit of a dose and that was actually what ruined a number of other relationships. Its just a horrible feeling when you are so used to somebody in frequent contact over a number of months and expect to hear from them on a day to day basis.Now that this has happened regarding the idiot that fb messaged her she knows that I am being a bit of a dose,and obviously not happy,now whether she embraces the fact that im crazy about her or just a pain in the ass remains to be seen as I think i have more of chance from hearing from the feckin pope before her tonight. But yeah i think im going to be a single pringle again

wirelessdude01

Let her off. If she doesn't contact you within a reasonable time period then you have your answer. Your posts on this thread make you come across as a clingy and needy boyfriend. Can tell you that I wouldn't want that in a girlfriend and gonna guess she doesn't want it either.

Anyway let her do the running for the moment. Do not make an idiot of yourself and contact her again. I'm afraid she might be taking you for a ride but then again I have been wrong before.

Stavro Mueller

What's worth bearing in mind is that constantly bombarding the girl with texts and coming across as needy and anxious isn't going to stop her breaking it off with you if that is what is in her head. At this stage you and your friend have done more than enough damage and it's time to take a step back. If she does make contact I strongly suggest you have an actual conversation, not all this texting. In this case it is doing more harm than good.

fullstop

You know what, OP, **** her is what I say. People are saying you're bombarding her and maybe they have a point given what's happened today but you left her alone for the day on Tuesday and weren't exactly bombarding her with texts over the next few days either. She's your girlfriend, what's wrong with texting or calling her? If she needs space, she should say so instead of giving you the silent treatment.

I think it's pretty bad form from her end. If you're in a relationship she presumably cares about you, but she's certainly not showing it.

NicoleL88

OP. No more texting. And no more other people getting involved!

Call her tomorrow. Actually call her. Apologize for acting the way you have been and go from there.

Irish_Mafia

She said how she was a bit shocked at my friend contacting her and how i should know she needs time for her college work to which i responded in saying that im sorry about his stupidity in contacting her and that i will give her some space now to concentrate on her work which is important. That's it,im done running about and she knows how much I care about her.She is off to a concert with friends tomorrow so not looking like i will see her face to face this weekend but maybe thats for the best. Im out tomorrow night with the lads and I think we both need that after being together every single weekend over the summer. Judging by the last message she dosen't want to break it off but no doubt she is not happy,a lesson learned.

Ed Winchester

Lets hope she's not on boards!

ibarelycare

I'm cringing reading about your friend messaging her...Jesus.

OP your preoccupation with your girlfriend is unhealthy. She's off having fun in college, filling her time with things besides her boyfriend. You need to learn to do the same. I wouldn't be surprised if she's already decided to end things because of your neediness, but if she hasn't YET then you need to change.

Irish_Mafia

No she is not ending it thank god,she just said how she needs time and not the type of person that texts all day every day,and also that she is not used to relationships,i am kind of her first serious boyfriend,now I know where I stand and im going to cool the jets.

wirelessdude01

Used she be in contact often before she went back to college?

Irish_Mafia

Yes nearly everyday and usually she would be the one starting the contact.