I gave the missus a dig last night.

keano_afc · 05-09-2013 02:02PM

I posted this in another thread. I feel asleep on the dart once on the way home from work. Dreamt I was playing football. In my dream I went to catch the ball, woke up to see myself arms outstretched about the grab the chest of the woman opposite me.

ghogie91 · 05-09-2013 02:09PM

Threw the girlfriend out of the bed one night, had a dream I dropped a dumbbell in the gym and was pushin someone out of the way to try stop it falling on them, needless to say I got a dig back from her

she sits up in bed most nights eyes wide open and has a full blown conversation with me and then falls back asleep, she doesnt ever remember talking even though i have started asking her are you fully awake and i get a yes back, the last conversation was about baby potatos

weird

ruthloss · 05-09-2013 02:17PM

I woke up choking after I dreamt I had swallowed a reel of cotton. Himself asked me what was the matter, I told him and he asked me "what colour was it"?. He didn't remember a thing about it next morning.

Zen65 · 05-09-2013 02:20PM

danniemcq wrote: »

Knee to the balls is by far the worst way you can possibly wake up

Especially when it is your own knee!

Crooked Jack · 05-09-2013 02:47PM

I was jokin around in bed with the ex one mornin and pretending I was going to box her. I pulled the pillow over her face and hit it a half hearted thump.
Didnt realise the pillow had all bunched up to one side during the night so with nothing but the sheet between us I basically punched her in the face.
Thankfully she saw the funny side after the initial shock had worn off.
Slammed her head off a bus stop once as well. It was broke for years and would basically just bend and bounce you back if you lay on it or anything. Out of the blue the council fixed it so I basically ended up hopping her head of some reinforced glass.
Poor girl started to develop a twitch around me after a while.

Mousewar · 05-09-2013 02:47PM

I shared a room with my older brother when we were younger. That guy was more active asleep than he ever was awake. Every night there were full blown conversations. He'd reply to me and the only indicator that he was asleep was that most of what he said was jibberish. Some nights he'd wander around the house. My folks found him at the front door in the early hours of the morning trying to get outside.
The scariest one for me was when I woke up to a figure looming over me in the dark. Before I was able to register it, it started punching me repeatedly. Absolutely terrified i spun around in the bed and kicked him right in the nuts. That stopped him and he went back to bed. I changed rooms the next day and locked my door.

Recently, his new girlfriend reported back after their weekend away in a hotel. Bizarrely, he didn't bother to mention the nocturnal activity to her. He said he musta been dreaming about being trapped somewhere. All she knew was she woke up to him screaming and pounding on the walls, shouting: "We gotta get the hell outta here!". Next door weren't impressed either.

mike65 · 05-09-2013 02:52PM

Crooked Jack wrote: »

I was jokin around in bed with the ex one mornin and pretending I was going to box her. I pulled the pillow over her face and hit it a half hearted thump.
Didnt realise the pillow had all bunched up to one side during the night so with nothing but the sheet between us I basically punched her in the face.
Thankfully she saw the funny side after the initial shock had worn off.
Slammed her head off a bus stop once as well. It was broke for years and would basically just bend and bounce you back if you lay on it or anything. Out of the blue the council fixed it so I basically ended up hopping her head of some reinforced glass.
Poor girl started to develop a twitch around me after a while.

I'm sure the jury will buy that if you show enough contrition with a trembly voice.

danniemcq · 05-09-2013 02:55PM

Zen65 wrote: »

Especially when it is your own knee!

I'm not sure how thats actually physical possible but yes i guess that would be especially bad!

gramar · 05-09-2013 09:35PM

gramar wrote: »

I was dreaming last night that someone was insulting me and pushing me around (no idea who or why) and I reacted and hit them a box.

As happens sometimes, we carry out the physical action that we dream and I lashed out my fist and gave herself a right dig in the back. She woke up with a roar asking me what the jaysus I was up to and needless to say she was fairly pissed off after getting a slap at 4 o'clock in the morning. This is course led to whispered grovelling and apologies on my part and although I don't remember I was told this morning that there were a few snorts of laughter from me after.

Anyone else every done anything stupid in their sleep or heard anyone saying weird stuff when talking in their sleep?

The missus showed me a bruise on her leg this evening that she claims is as a result of last nights assault. I was fairly sure it was a dig in the back but either I'm wrong or it was a double whammy street fighter style punch and kick combo. Although apparently what hurt the most was my sniggering afterwards.

While she was at it I got it with both barrels for generally encroaching on her side of the bed and hogging her pillow.

Johro · 05-09-2013 09:40PM

gramar wrote: »

....and although I don't remember I was told this morning that there were a few snorts of laughter from me after.

Class. I can just imagine.

hairyprincess · 05-09-2013 09:51PM

I had a few funny dreams when pregnant. The funniest was when I woke up laughing hysterically. I had been dreaming about something that in the cold light of day wasn't funny at all, but at the time it was the funniest thing ever. I had to bury my head under the pillow so nobody else in the house would hear my laughter after I woke.

The_Valeyard · 05-09-2013 09:57PM

This has happened to me numerous times with my better half, woken up with couple of bruises and pain!!

you know what they say, first time an accident, second time coincidence, third time.....enemy action.

December2012 · 05-09-2013 10:04PM

KungPao wrote: »

Once I woke up and my missus was attempting to eat my thumb like a chicken leg. She was holding it just like a leg and doing chewing motions like she was loving it.

Weirdo.

Imagine if it wasn't your thumb

and instead she was doing it to

Your finger

The_Valeyard · 05-09-2013 10:07PM

December2012 wrote: »

Imagine if it wasn't your thumb

and instead she was doing it to

Your finger

Come on now.....we all know what you were thinking..........................

Big toe.

aidoh · 05-09-2013 10:08PM

Apparently I often burst out laughing in my sleep.

mfceiling · 05-09-2013 10:21PM

My best mate is a fecker for sleep walking and talking when he's hammered.

He was in a hotel one night and was full of porter. He gets up out of the bed (missus thought he went to the jacks), heads down to reception (half remembers p*ssing on some folders) and then ends up sitting behind the front desk in his jocks. Night porter comes in and asks him what he's at. I work here replies himself...he comes round a bit and apologises to the night porter.

Makes his way back to the lift and heads for the room. Room door locked so he starts belting the door - shouting at her to let him in. Then he hears a voice "just a minute". Wrong room. Has to leg it and find which room he's staying in.

dj jarvis · 05-09-2013 10:39PM

got woken one morning still drunk to the the girl friend screaming "WTF???"

her hand bag was full to the brim with water , could not figure it out at all , checked the ceiling for leaks , and checked the rad , still no leak

the penny finally dropped - i had gotten up , IN THE DARK , and managed to piss into her handbag , and filled it up to the top , everything in it was destroyed

and to my imminence pride , i spilled not a drop on the floor

and another night in the same house , apparently , i got up in the middle of the night , went down to the back patio door , opened it and had a piss , bollic naked , and with 7 people who had stayed up drinking , sitting in the sitting room getting an eye full of my best mister burns impression,

i never do stuff like this , but have no memory of any of it !!!

Drakares · 05-09-2013 11:09PM

ThirdMan wrote: »

My girlfriend was 'fairly pissed on' one night if you get what I mean. I was on the soup all the day. 15 pints to the good. She woke up and I was kneeling on the bed. Pissing on to her neck.

I have no idea why, or how this got so many thanks!!!

Pebbles81 · 05-09-2013 11:14PM

Was like a zombie with tiredness and worry for the first few months after my baby was born....my partner kept waking up to me trying to wind him during the night, patting his back and telling him to burp. I would also wake up in a blind panic thinking I'd fallen asleep with the baby in the bed , saying stuff like "where's the baby, can't find the baby"

December2012 · 05-09-2013 11:27PM

dj jarvis wrote: »

got woken one morning still drunk to the the girl friend screaming "WTF???"

her hand bag was full to the brim with water , could not figure it out at all , checked the ceiling for leaks , and checked the rad , still no leak

the penny finally dropped - i had gotten up , IN THE DARK , and managed to piss into her handbag , and filled it up to the top , everything in it was destroyed

and to my imminence pride , i spilled not a drop on the floor

and another night in the same house , apparently , i got up in the middle of the night , went down to the back patio door , opened it and had a piss , bollic naked , and with 7 people who had stayed up drinking , sitting in the sitting room getting an eye full of my best mister burns impression,

i never do stuff like this , but have no memory of any of it !!!

They sound like alcohol blackouts.

dj jarvis · 05-09-2013 11:52PM

December2012 wrote: »

They sound like alcohol blackouts.

must have been - becasue i have no recollection of the events
i know the combination of red bull and vodka gets me all montage of shame next morning

happy days

IvaBigWun · 06-09-2013 12:13AM

Bailee Lively Shindig wrote: »

My ex girlfriend thought I was a sandwich, she took a massive bite out of what was in fact my back. I wasn't sure what was happening, woke up in a panic trying to get away from this crazy lady in my bed.

I love After Hours.

Fighting Irish · 06-09-2013 12:20AM

It's lovely and all but gimme a double to myself any day

The_Gatsby · 06-09-2013 12:33AM

Dreaming of a ferret biting my arm one night. Next thing I know I've leapt up out of bed, screaming and shaking my arm as if there's a rabid ferret attached to it.

Elbaston · 06-09-2013 01:00AM

OP was dreaming he was fighting a Russian boxer named Nagginolbitch.

I have a recurring dream where Im driving in my car but its peddle powered.

Novella · 06-09-2013 02:10AM

The first night I ever shared a bed with my boyfriend was quite soon after taking a long-haul international flight so I was still a bit jet-lagged. It was only about 9pm but I was really tired and we were lying in bed, watching a movie. I was trying really hard to stay awake but failing miserably.

Whatever was on tv was about people being kidnapped and held hostage and I think I thought I was somehow involved in that scenario.

I blurted out, "Why am I here? I don't deserve this!".

He brings it up all the time! "I know you don't deserve this, but..."!

stefan idiot jones · 06-09-2013 09:45AM

I used to work with a guy who was then in his mid forties who loved the drink. Because he was strapped for cash and couldn't afford to drink alk night, he used to go out for the last hour and neck a fist of pints quickly.
One morning he woke up in bed with his wife with a strange sensation around his feet. He lifted up the blankets and saw that he had sh!t on his bare feet and all over the sheets.
He got out of bed and followed the backward trail of sh!tty footprints to his bathroom where after some quick deduction, realised that he had done a crap in the bathtub, trod in it, scrambled out of the bath and back into bed with his wife.
She didn't speak to him for a week.

He has also been caught by his wife standing at the top of his stairs, p!ssing down them.

Liamario · 06-09-2013 09:48AM

OP, this story won't hold up to scrutiny in the court case. I suppose she likes walking into doors as well...

gramar · 06-09-2013 10:02AM

mattjack wrote: »

After watching Saving Private Ryan and a day of cider , I tried to strangle Mrs Mattjack that night in the bed, how was I to know she wasn't in the German Light Infantry.

lkionm wrote: »

She wanted a knuckle sandwich the previous night.

I obliged

danniemcq wrote: »

I guess though if you want to take it one step further...

I also hit her sqaure in the face with a screaming monkey toy from about 10ft (just enough time for her to hear the scream and turn her head to get it perfect) and there was the time in the toy shop when I found an airzooka. accurate up to 25ft if not further and called her name.

anncoates wrote: »

Kicked the wife out of bed (in my sleep) before. Well not so much a kick (apparently and thankfully) more like a robust shove with my feet that resulted in her falling out on to the floor.

Crooked Jack wrote: »

I was jokin around in bed with the ex one mornin and pretending I was going to box her. I pulled the pillow over her face and hit it a half hearted thump.
Didnt realise the pillow had all bunched up to one side during the night so with nothing but the sheet between us I basically punched her in the face.
Thankfully she saw the funny side after the initial shock had worn off.
Slammed her head off a bus stop once as well. It was broke for years and would basically just bend and bounce you back if you lay on it or anything. Out of the blue the council fixed it so I basically ended up hopping her head of some reinforced glass.
Poor girl started to develop a twitch around me after a while.

Liamario wrote: »

OP, this story won't hold up to scrutiny in the court case. I suppose she likes walking into doors as well...

As you can see there's more than me on here that have some explaining to do! I'm sure we'd all be acquitted by the good people of the AH jury though.

Mr Benevolent · 06-09-2013 10:10AM

The_Valeyard wrote: »

This has happened to me numerous times with my better half, woken up with couple of bruises and pain!!

But is your other half The Doctor or The Master? That would determine the level of retribution.

I gave the missus a dig last night.

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