I gave the missus a dig last night.

gramar

I was dreaming last night that someone was insulting me and pushing me around (no idea who or why) and I reacted and hit them a box.

As happens sometimes, we carry out the physical action that we dream and I lashed out my fist and gave herself a right dig in the back. She woke up with a roar asking me what the jaysus I was up to and needless to say she was fairly pissed off after getting a slap at 4 o'clock in the morning. This is course led to whispered grovelling and apologies on my part and although I don't remember I was told this morning that there were a few snorts of laughter from me after.

Anyone else every done anything stupid in their sleep or heard anyone saying weird stuff when talking in their sleep?

FatherLen

ha sneaky back punch!

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

My ex girlfriend thought I was a sandwich, she took a massive bite out of what was in fact my back. I wasn't sure what was happening, woke up in a panic trying to get away from this crazy lady in my bed.

ThirdMan

gramar wrote: »

she was fairly pissed off

My girlfriend was 'fairly pissed on' one night if you get what I mean. I was on the soup all the day. 15 pints to the good. She woke up and I was kneeling on the bed. Pissing on to her neck.

lkionm

Bailee Lively Shindig wrote: »

My ex girlfriend thought I was a sandwich, she took a massive bite out of what was in fact my back. I wasn't sure what was happening, woke up in a panic trying to get away from this crazy lady in my bed.

Mine once got a craving for sausage in the middle of the night.


That was a good night.

force eleven

Buy 2 single beds. Problem solved.

danniemcq

All The F*cking Time,

She has kicked me (pretty sure its why my knee isn't healing properly) a heap and i've given her the odd dig too. We constantly do that jerk (thanks evolution) when you are just about to fall asleep and because of the way we sleep there is usually elbows going into chins and knees into places they shouldn't.

Knee to the balls is by far the worst way you can possibly wake up

gramar

ThirdMan wrote: »

My girlfriend was 'fairly pissed on' one night if you get what I mean. I was on the soup all the day. 15 pints to the good. She woke up and I was kneeling on the bed. Pissing on to her neck.

Is that you Paddy Hogan?

http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/courts/hogans-brother-had-about-15-pints-before-crash-court-told-29549860.html

mad turnip

ThirdMan wrote: »

My girlfriend was 'fairly pissed on' one night if you get what I mean. I was on the soup all the day. 15 pints to the good. She woke up and I was kneeling on the bed. Pissing on to her neck.

ah come on like, can't hold your drink for ****.

lkionm

ThirdMan wrote: »

My girlfriend was 'fairly pissed on' one night if you get what I mean. I was on the soup all the day. 15 pints to the good. She woke up and I was kneeling on the bed. Pissing on to her neck.

Hahahahaha that is fantastic

BillyMitchel

Do you always hit people that take the piss?! We got a bad ass over here.

Should of donkey punched her instead! She won't be moaning then.

mattjack

After watching Saving Private Ryan and a day of cider , I tried to strangle Mrs Mattjack that night in the bed, how was I to know she wasn't in the German Light Infantry.

Zulu

lkionm wrote: »

Mine once got a craving for sausage in the middle of the night.


That was a good night.

Why doesn't she have any teeth? :eek:

irelandrover

The night before a match i often dream about playing, which leads to me kicking a lot. Very often this means I end up kicking the missus in the middle of the night.

She doesnt really like me playing sports anymore

lkionm

Zulu wrote: »

Why doesn't she have any teeth? :eek:

She wanted a knuckle sandwich the previous night.

I obliged

danniemcq

I guess though if you want to take it one step further...

I also hit her sqaure in the face with a screaming monkey toy from about 10ft (just enough time for her to hear the scream and turn her head to get it perfect) and there was the time in the toy shop when I found an airzooka. accurate up to 25ft if not further and called her name.

The blast of air made her look like Medusa or a really angry ghost witch creature with her hair blown everywhere and a face that made me think she might kill me.

Both incidents i did the decent boyfriend thing and had to sit down i was laughing so hard

EGriff

ThirdMan wrote: »

My girlfriend was 'fairly pissed on' one night if you get what I mean. I was on the soup all the day. 15 pints to the good. She woke up and I was kneeling on the bed. Pissing on to her neck.

You were so drunk you missed her face?

Corvo Attano

One night after watching The Fly when I was younger, I had a temperature and was having vivid nightmares. As I was sleeping I apparently hoped up as if I was going to make a run and to stop me hitting a wall my father grabbed my arm to which in my head was me being attacked and I replied with a hefty box to the chest

Penn

When I was about 14, I was having a dream that I was in Science class. The teacher asked me a question, and I said "I don't know, Miss". She said "Is that because you don't have your pillow?"

I woke up, sat upright in the bed very confused. Thought it was a strange dream. Put my head back down to go to sleep and realised my pillow was gone. Used the light on my watch (back before everyone had mobile phones and an illuminated digital watch was really high-tech) to look around the room and couldn't see my pillow anywhere. Ended up pulling my duvet up to act as a pillow. Found my actual pillow in the hall the next morning.

Having breakfast, I told my father that I found my pillow in the hall but couldn't remember putting it there. He said "Yeah, I was thinking you were sleepwalking". I asked what he meant. He said "Well, I was on my way down to bed when you came out of your room, handed me your pillow and said 'Give that to my secretary in the morning'"

Banjo String

In an old job, I remember our forklift driver came in and told us about his mementos weekend him and the wife had in England...

He was on the gargle the day before they were due to fly out, and he got up in the middle of the night and pissed right into the wide open suitcase full of their neatly pressed weekend away clothes.

We called him slash from then on.

anncoates

Kicked the wife out of bed (in my sleep) before. Well not so much a kick (apparently and thankfully) more like a robust shove with my feet that resulted in her falling out on to the floor.

The resultant short-term effect on my sex life was akin to that of Chernobyl on Pripiyat.

Manzoor14

Woke my girlfriend early one morning by asking "So do you have many games in Europe this year?"

Her: Eh?
Me: Yeah sure you're in the Europa league next season yeah?
Her: What are you talking about?
Me: Sorry, I thought you were a Spurs fan?

I rolled over and went back to sleep!

chainsawman

Remind me of myself in the late seventies , Was having a nightmare having beaten up by christian Bothers whom i was at boarding school in Dublin. Was beating up the wall which i thought was a Christian Brother, My Aunt woke me up in the middle of the night when she heard the punching on the wall, The blood was all over the wall paper. Knuckles was bruises with blood . It was only two months after I left boarding school to start new working life in Waterford where i was born.

donegal_road

chainsawman wrote: »

Remind me of myself in the late seventies , Was having a nightmare having beaten up by christian Bothers whom i was at boarding school in Dublin. Was beating up the wall which i thought was a Christian Brother, My Aunt woke me up in the middle of the night when she heard the punching on the wall, The blood was all over the wall paper. Knuckles was bruises with blood . It was only two months after I left boarding school to start new working life in Waterford where i was born.

the Christian brothers were no better than the Black and Tans

KungPao

Bailee Lively Shindig wrote: »

My ex girlfriend thought I was a sandwich, she took a massive bite out of what was in fact my back. I wasn't sure what was happening, woke up in a panic trying to get away from this crazy lady in my bed.

Once I woke up and my missus was attempting to eat my thumb like a chicken leg. She was holding it just like a leg and doing chewing motions like she was loving it.

Weirdo.

stoneill

I was woken one night with the missus strangling me with both hands, she had this glazed look in her eyes.
She was wide awake.

ElvisChrist6

I often talk in my sleep apparently. I wasn't fully asleep this time, but my girlfriend called me one night and I woke up to answer fully convinced she was my partner in the upcoming ping-pong tournament. I had to say " wait, I'm confused... We're not in a ping-pong tournament?" I've never played ping pong!

Recently, I woke up and turned to her saying something about stump. "You know how some people like having sex with people with stumps?" before finally admitting "I have no idea what I'm talking about! Of course I've no memory of this, nor do I remember saying "how is this working when there are no buttons!?" while fully asleep...

krudler

There's an app you can get get called SleepTalk that you can record yourself asleep at night, people upload the funny ones and some are absolutely hilarious, heard one once of a guy snoring then a thud followed by his wife or whoever roaring "you just punched me in the fcuking tit!"

Birneybau

I was chewing a delicious sweet in a dream one night, woke up with an ear plug in me gob, one of those wax ones!

fatknacker

I once gave the missus a dig. She had been dead a few weeks and I was feeling lonely.

castletownman

I was having a very vivid dream one night about eating a marshmallow.

Woke up the next morning and I appeared to have eaten my pillow

keano_afc

I posted this in another thread. I feel asleep on the dart once on the way home from work. Dreamt I was playing football. In my dream I went to catch the ball, woke up to see myself arms outstretched about the grab the chest of the woman opposite me.

ghogie91

Threw the girlfriend out of the bed one night, had a dream I dropped a dumbbell in the gym and was pushin someone out of the way to try stop it falling on them, needless to say I got a dig back from her

she sits up in bed most nights eyes wide open and has a full blown conversation with me and then falls back asleep, she doesnt ever remember talking even though i have started asking her are you fully awake and i get a yes back, the last conversation was about baby potatos weird

ruthloss

I woke up choking after I dreamt I had swallowed a reel of cotton. Himself asked me what was the matter, I told him and he asked me "what colour was it"?. He didn't remember a thing about it next morning.

Zen65

danniemcq wrote: »

Knee to the balls is by far the worst way you can possibly wake up

Especially when it is your own knee!

Crooked Jack

I was jokin around in bed with the ex one mornin and pretending I was going to box her. I pulled the pillow over her face and hit it a half hearted thump.
Didnt realise the pillow had all bunched up to one side during the night so with nothing but the sheet between us I basically punched her in the face.
Thankfully she saw the funny side after the initial shock had worn off.
Slammed her head off a bus stop once as well. It was broke for years and would basically just bend and bounce you back if you lay on it or anything. Out of the blue the council fixed it so I basically ended up hopping her head of some reinforced glass.
Poor girl started to develop a twitch around me after a while.

Mousewar

I shared a room with my older brother when we were younger. That guy was more active asleep than he ever was awake. Every night there were full blown conversations. He'd reply to me and the only indicator that he was asleep was that most of what he said was jibberish. Some nights he'd wander around the house. My folks found him at the front door in the early hours of the morning trying to get outside.
The scariest one for me was when I woke up to a figure looming over me in the dark. Before I was able to register it, it started punching me repeatedly. Absolutely terrified i spun around in the bed and kicked him right in the nuts. That stopped him and he went back to bed. I changed rooms the next day and locked my door.

Recently, his new girlfriend reported back after their weekend away in a hotel. Bizarrely, he didn't bother to mention the nocturnal activity to her. He said he musta been dreaming about being trapped somewhere. All she knew was she woke up to him screaming and pounding on the walls, shouting: "We gotta get the hell outta here!". Next door weren't impressed either.

mike65

Crooked Jack wrote: »

I was jokin around in bed with the ex one mornin and pretending I was going to box her. I pulled the pillow over her face and hit it a half hearted thump.
Didnt realise the pillow had all bunched up to one side during the night so with nothing but the sheet between us I basically punched her in the face.
Thankfully she saw the funny side after the initial shock had worn off.
Slammed her head off a bus stop once as well. It was broke for years and would basically just bend and bounce you back if you lay on it or anything. Out of the blue the council fixed it so I basically ended up hopping her head of some reinforced glass.
Poor girl started to develop a twitch around me after a while.

I'm sure the jury will buy that if you show enough contrition with a trembly voice.

danniemcq

Zen65 wrote: »

Especially when it is your own knee!

I'm not sure how thats actually physical possible but yes i guess that would be especially bad!

gramar

gramar wrote: »

I was dreaming last night that someone was insulting me and pushing me around (no idea who or why) and I reacted and hit them a box.

As happens sometimes, we carry out the physical action that we dream and I lashed out my fist and gave herself a right dig in the back. She woke up with a roar asking me what the jaysus I was up to and needless to say she was fairly pissed off after getting a slap at 4 o'clock in the morning. This is course led to whispered grovelling and apologies on my part and although I don't remember I was told this morning that there were a few snorts of laughter from me after.

Anyone else every done anything stupid in their sleep or heard anyone saying weird stuff when talking in their sleep?

The missus showed me a bruise on her leg this evening that she claims is as a result of last nights assault. I was fairly sure it was a dig in the back but either I'm wrong or it was a double whammy street fighter style punch and kick combo. Although apparently what hurt the most was my sniggering afterwards.

While she was at it I got it with both barrels for generally encroaching on her side of the bed and hogging her pillow.

Johro

gramar wrote: »

....and although I don't remember I was told this morning that there were a few snorts of laughter from me after.

Class. I can just imagine.

hairyprincess

I had a few funny dreams when pregnant. The funniest was when I woke up laughing hysterically. I had been dreaming about something that in the cold light of day wasn't funny at all, but at the time it was the funniest thing ever. I had to bury my head under the pillow so nobody else in the house would hear my laughter after I woke.

The_Valeyard

This has happened to me numerous times with my better half, woken up with couple of bruises and pain!!


you know what they say, first time an accident, second time coincidence, third time.....enemy action.

December2012

KungPao wrote: »

Once I woke up and my missus was attempting to eat my thumb like a chicken leg. She was holding it just like a leg and doing chewing motions like she was loving it.

Weirdo.

Imagine if it wasn't your thumb





and instead she was doing it to











Your finger

The_Valeyard

December2012 wrote: »

Imagine if it wasn't your thumb





and instead she was doing it to











Your finger

Come on now.....we all know what you were thinking..........................





































Big toe.

aidoh

Apparently I often burst out laughing in my sleep.

mfceiling

My best mate is a fecker for sleep walking and talking when he's hammered.

He was in a hotel one night and was full of porter. He gets up out of the bed (missus thought he went to the jacks), heads down to reception (half remembers p*ssing on some folders) and then ends up sitting behind the front desk in his jocks. Night porter comes in and asks him what he's at. I work here replies himself...he comes round a bit and apologises to the night porter.

Makes his way back to the lift and heads for the room. Room door locked so he starts belting the door - shouting at her to let him in. Then he hears a voice "just a minute". Wrong room. Has to leg it and find which room he's staying in.

dj jarvis

got woken one morning still drunk to the the girl friend screaming "WTF???"

her hand bag was full to the brim with water , could not figure it out at all , checked the ceiling for leaks , and checked the rad , still no leak

the penny finally dropped - i had gotten up , IN THE DARK , and managed to piss into her handbag , and filled it up to the top , everything in it was destroyed

and to my imminence pride , i spilled not a drop on the floor

and another night in the same house , apparently , i got up in the middle of the night , went down to the back patio door , opened it and had a piss , bollic naked , and with 7 people who had stayed up drinking , sitting in the sitting room getting an eye full of my best mister burns impression,

i never do stuff like this , but have no memory of any of it !!!

Drakares

ThirdMan wrote: »

My girlfriend was 'fairly pissed on' one night if you get what I mean. I was on the soup all the day. 15 pints to the good. She woke up and I was kneeling on the bed. Pissing on to her neck.

I have no idea why, or how this got so many thanks!!!

Pebbles81

Was like a zombie with tiredness and worry for the first few months after my baby was born....my partner kept waking up to me trying to wind him during the night, patting his back and telling him to burp. I would also wake up in a blind panic thinking I'd fallen asleep with the baby in the bed , saying stuff like "where's the baby, can't find the baby"

December2012

dj jarvis wrote: »

got woken one morning still drunk to the the girl friend screaming "WTF???"

her hand bag was full to the brim with water , could not figure it out at all , checked the ceiling for leaks , and checked the rad , still no leak

the penny finally dropped - i had gotten up , IN THE DARK , and managed to piss into her handbag , and filled it up to the top , everything in it was destroyed

and to my imminence pride , i spilled not a drop on the floor

and another night in the same house , apparently , i got up in the middle of the night , went down to the back patio door , opened it and had a piss , bollic naked , and with 7 people who had stayed up drinking , sitting in the sitting room getting an eye full of my best mister burns impression,

i never do stuff like this , but have no memory of any of it !!!

They sound like alcohol blackouts.