I need a Poet....

corktina · 04-09-2013 05:30PM

just give them the clock back....and post photo of their faces on receipt....

FixdePitchmark · 04-09-2013 05:36PM

Cash is only paper , folded in two.
As before , It meant nothing to me and now you.
So I went and got an nespresso machine
what else could I do , cost a coffee bean.

Asking for cash is a classes act
You know that yourself, face life facts
A day like this, is to share with each other
So next time i call, some latte with sugar

Your house is inflatting, your belly too
Your hairline is receding, Rooney for you
How did you land such a good looking bird
You''ll now look like Clooney, I know absurd

So thanks for the "****ing bedroom clock" from jinkybhoy
it keeps me on time but usless for rhyme
Your new wife when over, she likes it very much too
Oh **** , ive said too much , over to you.................

Ace Attorney · 04-09-2013 06:13PM

I enjoyed the poem on the invite,
But i brought you a present because it felt right,
For my wedding, you gave me a clock,
I asked you for cash, but alas it was not,

So this year at your wedding event,
I've decided to give you a present,
Good luck to you and your wife to be,
All the best from my wife and me.

P.s Give cash at weddings!

I am pie · 04-09-2013 06:22PM

We asked for cash, you give us a clock
Take this gift or lick the b4lls dangling below my c0ck

Suggest you approach with gift in one hand and your plums dangling.

Pumpkinseeds · 04-09-2013 06:31PM

jinkybhoy wrote: »

Ah come on:) I've already spent 150 on prezzie and the missus is singing for free:)

I think that pretty much sums it up tbh. Short and to the point:D Go with that on the card:)

Fr_Dougal · 04-09-2013 06:35PM

We knew how you felt,
when you wrote your poem,
Looking for cash,
instead of a toaster!
Well you were too late,
we'd already chosen,
Your present from us,
you pair of c*nts.
Shove your clock up your holes,
It's no use to us.
The Missus is singing too,
Which she won't get anything for either.
So lets call it quits,
You pair of sh1ts.

Cunning Stunt · 04-09-2013 06:35PM

There was a young couple to wed

who asked that our wallets be bled

Now we hope they're not miffed

but we got them a gift

They can like it or lump it instead!

Lapin · 04-09-2013 06:43PM

jinkybhoy wrote: »

2. We had already bought the prezzie earlier on in the year - spent €150.

Take it back to the shop and trade it in for the complete collection of Johnny Cash albums. Give them that.

Present and cash dilemma sorted in one fell swoop :pac:

HansHolzel · 04-09-2013 06:46PM

Use what Bernard Manning always wanted to say, if he ever got on the Antiques Roadshow...

"See this here, do you know what this is worth? Fúck all. Now fúck off with it."

vitani · 04-09-2013 09:09PM

Thank you for the invite
Which we received with much delight
(And just a little mild surprise
At the poem which was inside).

'Cash?' you asked. 'Bah!' we said,
'We'll do much better than that.
We'll choose a gift with thought and care,
Maybe something for your flat...'

So here it is, our gift to you,
We hope it's up your street.
And if it's not, well that's too bad,
Because we lost the damn receipt.

pharmaton · 04-09-2013 09:14PM

you're a very talented bunch of individuals jus remind me never to invite any of you to my wedding

Lando Griffin · 04-09-2013 09:40PM

Tick tock goes your clock.
Is this a wind up?
Batteries not included removed it and threw it.
Back in its box every second, hour and minute you have been just been reunited.

Allyall · 04-09-2013 09:40PM

We got your wedding invitation,
and danced a merry caper,
but to our utter consternation,
attached was written paper.

We had a gift handpicked for you,
one purchased with our wages,
We entered an installment plan,
and paid for it in stages.

But cash you want,
so cash you'll get,
but not as much this date,
after spending two bob on this card,
We're only left with eight (euro).

Have a great day, and don't worry about the previous gift,
We are going to keep it for another wedding.

stefan idiot jones · 04-09-2013 09:47PM

Here's a ditty that came into my head,
as I was nailing your girl on top of your bed. She's a high maintenance that's a fact,
she even vajazzles her big shaven tw@t.

Now I know you're one of my oldest chums,
but I can't stop your missus from sucking my plums.
And your taste for cheap lager is quite interesting,
you build up quite a thirst doing all that fisting.

For your wedding gift I have to make an awkward decision,
while my forearm is stuck in this slappers incision.
That crappy clock that you gave me never keeps time,
from the length of my cock your one's snorting a line.

So I've impregnated your bride which you couldn't do,
Your so fu@king tight people call you a Jew.
Enjoy your wedding for all that it's worth,
Just remember your wife took the whole of my girth.

Congrats to the happy couple on this special day, and don't let her near the Spanish waiters.
Only joking old friend. Now go and have sloppy seconds with the beautiful bride.

dxhound2005 · 04-09-2013 10:08PM

Cunning Stunt wrote: »

There was a young couple to wed

who asked that our wallets be bled

Now we hope they're not miffed

but we got them a gift

They can like it or lump it instead!

I feel the limerick format is slightly inappropriate. But at least you didn't attempt one referring to your user name.

sadie06 · 04-09-2013 11:38PM

Don't feel bad, it really is fine
That you so helpfully dropped us a line
To tell us that presents were not needed,
but alas, your instructions were not heeded.

This sacrament is marriage, we know, not confession,
but I don't think you've noticed, we're in a recession!
We spent what we could, no more and no less.
So here is your present....goodnight and God bless.

.Henry Sellers. · 05-09-2013 12:08AM

So I hear its cash your after,
"No gifts, just money",
Some cheek!
Thinking back of that clock you got me,
Jaysus, you were some hungry prick that week.

Now its my time for vengeance,
Ill rightly fcuk you up,
Ah I'm only messin,
I wish you the best of luck.

But seriously about that clock,
You must have been having a joke,
I can be funny to you know,
So I gave yer misses a poke.

05-09-2013 02:45AM

Start with this

Now this is a story all about how
My plans got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how you got this gift of Newbridge Silverware

The rest should just fall in to place. You're welcome

jinkybhoy · 05-09-2013 11:05AM

Lapin wrote: »

Take it back to the shop and trade it in for the complete collection of Johnny Cash albums. Give them that.

Present and cash dilemma sorted in one fell swoop :pac:

I like that idea.....

jinkybhoy · 05-09-2013 11:07AM

sadie06 wrote: »

Don't feel bad, it really is fine
That you so helpfully dropped us a line
To tell us that presents were not needed,
but alas, your instructions were not heeded.

This sacrament is marriage, we know, not confession,
but I don't think you've noticed, we're in a recession!
We spent what we could, no more and no less.
So here is your present....goodnight and God bless.

Very nice also:)

jinkybhoy · 05-09-2013 11:09AM

Some absolute rippers there lads and lassies.

I'll be picking a winner friday week so please keep them coming - maybe even get a book out of it - I will of course acknowledge you all for your contributions:)

Thanks again.

Honey-ec · 05-09-2013 11:18AM

No-one else attempting a haiku?

mutley18 · 05-09-2013 11:39AM

Sat before us, a couple so great,
It makes me want to celebrate,

What a truly wonderful pair,
The whole room they sit and stare,

Close together and looking fine,
To not appreciate would be a crime,

Now please accept these china mugs,
As we all look at your wife's jugs.

Roscommon John · 05-09-2013 11:57AM

It was a beautiful day to remember,
when two hearts became one in September.
The Bride she looked stunning, the groom he
looked handsome. The Best man spoke well,
the bridesmaids loved dancing.

We were so happy to share in your day,
and would like to present you this gift.
It's not priceless art, but it's straight from our heart,
a memory of love, for a day to remember. When two
hearts became one, on that lovely September.

If all else fails quote Jarod Kintz “The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.  ”

Sky King · 05-09-2013 12:27PM

I sit and look at the wedding clock,
you gave despite our request for money
i can't help but think you are a cock
to ignore our plea - it wasn't funny

And now I see the table's turned
so you'll not get cash, but instead this bowl
and if you feel you have been burned
feel free to cram it up your hole

sadie06 · 05-09-2013 12:28PM

This is the funniest thread in a long time!

Mr Benevolent · 05-09-2013 12:31PM

No-one else attempting a haiku?

So sorry my friends
Marriage is expensive now
Give cash only please

jinkybhoy · 05-09-2013 01:04PM

Honey-ec wrote: »

No-one else attempting a haiku?

Was I the only the only one thinking of a load of rugby players jumping around?

Googled it but still don't understand what it is:)

CorsetIsTight · 05-09-2013 01:05PM

We asked for cash when we were wed,
You gifted us a clock instead.
It reminds us daily of the time,
We made the change, to "ours" from "mine".

We know your gift was kindly meant,
A memory of our event.
We know that neither of you will mind,
That we have gifted you in kind.

Burky126 · 05-09-2013 01:14PM

I am pie wrote: »

We asked for cash, you give us a clock
Take this gift or lick the b4lls dangling below my c0ck

Think we have a winner

I need a Poet....

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