I need a Poet....

jinkybhoy

I have a request to all the poets out there...

We are going to a wedding this month and the bride and groom sent out invites last month - on this invite was a poem and basically the gist of it was - we want cash not presents.

Now - I always give cash - never bought a prezzie in me life for a wedding but 2 things this time.

1. The same couple and all their family have always given presents (even when it was requested that presents not to be given only cash). At our own wedding, as we had lived together for years had no need for presents requested this and they still proceeded to give us a clock!!

2. We had already bought the prezzie earlier on in the year - spent €150.

So what I would like is for someone to pen me a poem basically saying feck you, we'd already bought the present and that's all your getting.

And also my wife is singing for them at the church, which she won't get anything for either!!!

Thanks in advance:)

salacious crumb

Rhyming or non rhyming? :pac:

Dravokivich

If it's cash yer after,
Yer after asking too late,
Here's a present I got ya,
I hope ya don't hate.

Banjo String

I hear your gettin married? isn't it well for you.
May yiz have happy times together, never blue.
I bought yiz a present, and it's wrapped up real tight.
In the end yiz wanted cash, too late, so go shyte!

jinkybhoy

salacious crumb wrote: »

Rhyming or non rhyming? :pac:

Don't mind so long as it's kinda witty so as not too offend them too much:)

biko

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I am from Cavan so
here's a song for you!

anncoates

Cash?

Yore Ma's gash

FIN.

jinkybhoy

Dravokivich wrote: »

If it's cash yer after,
Yer after asking too late,
Here's a present I got ya,
I hope ya don't hate.

nice:)

jinkybhoy

SamHall wrote: »

Location. Meath/Cavan

:pac::pac::pac:

Ah come on:) I've already spent 150 on prezzie and the missus is singing for free:)

Chancer3001

I saw what you wanted, a big wad of cash,
Unfortunately I'm too poor, to ever be so flash.

I know you'll prefer, this little treat of mine,
Sentimental value, think of us all the time.

And if you really hate it, and want it to go away,
Just get on the laptop, and sell it on eBay.

Honey-ec

Here's Yisser Pressie, You Ingrates - a haiku

We got you a gift
It's not the cash you wanted
Ask me arse for that.

keith16

Perhaps present the poem AS the present?

On the happiest day of your lives,
I hope you like these knives,
If you don't,
Or simply won't,
Fùck you,
You fùcking fùck

jinkybhoy

audman wrote: »

Here's your present and a dildo.
If you don't like the present you can go and fcuk yourself

I'm going to say a bit on the blunt side but nice effort!!!

jinkybhoy

keith16 wrote: »

Perhaps present the poem AS the present?

On the happiest day of your lives,
I hope you like these knives,
If you don't,
Or simply won't,
Fùck you,
You fùcking fùck

get's the point across alright

Chancer3001

Just use mine.

€10

The Backwards Man

I wandered lonely as a cloud
To your wedding I was bound
I always gave cash, be it euros, pounds or punts,
But not for yous, you ungrateful *****!!

elefant

Man you know we've been friends such a long long time
And now I'm ready to lay it on the line
Wow, you know it's your wedding and my heart is open wide
Gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind
A gift real special, so take off the top
Take a look inside it's my dick in a box

castletownman

You're looking for money, but since I'm from Cavan
I'm so sorry honey, this pre-bought present you'll be havin'

Call Me Jimmy

Ye just missed one OP, hear he was pretty good.

heretochat

I got you a present
Then you said you wanted cash
Accept what you're given
Let's go on the lash

Dolbert

Lots of good ones here

We got your card and were so delighted
That to your wedding we've been invited
We know for years you've built a home
With kettles and toasters made of chrome
And so your wedding gives us pause
To search for a really noble cause
And help those less fortunate than ourselves
To fill their stomachs and empty shelves.
We've donated your gift to charity
We hope you're as happy as can be!

boarsboard

sell my gift to get your cash
my singing wife wants your cash
my wedding gift is not crap
your a sap for asking for cash

stoneill

Neither cash nor coaster
Here's a toaster

jinkybhoy

Thanks for all the quick responses - keep em coming!!!

vitani

We could have given money,
Which you said to us to do.
We know you just didn't want a fuss,
So here's a lovely gift for you.

zl1whqvjs75cdy

Didn't feel like giving you cash,
Or writing a poem,
**** off

podgemonster

As I look expressionless at the Clock you gave to us
I am sure there will be minimum fuss

For you to get a physical gift
That you can treasure 'til your marriage drifts

For years to come will darkness bring
Hear the sorrow in my wife when she will sing

Our friendship is pure, priceless yet free
But Argos has a no returns policy

Enjoy your day and your eternal incarceration
I am so dead inside i went to Boards for inspiration

jinkybhoy

vitani wrote: »

We could have given money,
Which you said to us to do.
We know you just didn't want a fuss,
So here's a lovely gift for you.

That's a good one!!

When choosing you a present the decision was so fraught
And in the nick of time the perfect gift was bought
Then came your invitation, all bad-mannered, tasteless, crass -
You didn't want my thoughtful gift, you only wanted cash

Now I won't let this come between us
or our friendship would be lost
remember it's the thought that counts
the gift,
and not the cost.

retalivity

I had read your request with surprise,
And thought it strange how no gifts would be supplied,
It seemed terribly rude,
in exchange for a few drinks and some food,
So instead I am sick that day (I lied).

jinkybhoy

podgemonster wrote: »

As I look expressionless at the Clock you gave to us
I am sure there will be minimum fuss

For you to get a physical gift
That you can treasure 'til your marriage drifts

For years to come will darkness bring
Hear the sorrow in my wife when she will sing

Our friendship is pure, priceless yet free
But Argos has a no returns policy

Enjoy your day and your eternal incarceration
I am so dead inside i went to Boards for inspiration

Brilliant!:D

corktina

just give them the clock back....and post photo of their faces on receipt....

FixdePitchmark

Cash is only paper , folded in two.
As before , It meant nothing to me and now you.
So I went and got an nespresso machine
what else could I do , cost a coffee bean.

Asking for cash is a classes act
You know that yourself, face life facts
A day like this, is to share with each other
So next time i call, some latte with sugar

Your house is inflatting, your belly too
Your hairline is receding, Rooney for you
How did you land such a good looking bird
You''ll now look like Clooney, I know absurd

So thanks for the "****ing bedroom clock" from jinkybhoy
it keeps me on time but usless for rhyme
Your new wife when over, she likes it very much too
Oh **** , ive said too much , over to you.................

Ace Attorney

I enjoyed the poem on the invite,
But i brought you a present because it felt right,
For my wedding, you gave me a clock,
I asked you for cash, but alas it was not,

So this year at your wedding event,
I've decided to give you a present,
Good luck to you and your wife to be,
All the best from my wife and me.


P.s Give cash at weddings!

I am pie

We asked for cash, you give us a clock
Take this gift or lick the b4lls dangling below my c0ck


Suggest you approach with gift in one hand and your plums dangling.

Pumpkinseeds

jinkybhoy wrote: »

Ah come on:) I've already spent 150 on prezzie and the missus is singing for free:)

I think that pretty much sums it up tbh. Short and to the point:D Go with that on the card:)

Fr_Dougal

We knew how you felt,
when you wrote your poem,
Looking for cash,
instead of a toaster!
Well you were too late,
we'd already chosen,
Your present from us,
you pair of c*nts.
Shove your clock up your holes,
It's no use to us.
The Missus is singing too,
Which she won't get anything for either.
So lets call it quits,
You pair of sh1ts.

Cunning Stunt

There was a young couple to wed

who asked that our wallets be bled

Now we hope they're not miffed

but we got them a gift

They can like it or lump it instead!

Lapin

jinkybhoy wrote: »

2. We had already bought the prezzie earlier on in the year - spent €150.

Take it back to the shop and trade it in for the complete collection of Johnny Cash albums. Give them that.

Present and cash dilemma sorted in one fell swoop :pac:

HansHolzel

Use what Bernard Manning always wanted to say, if he ever got on the Antiques Roadshow...

"See this here, do you know what this is worth? Fúck all. Now fúck off with it."

vitani

Thank you for the invite
Which we received with much delight
(And just a little mild surprise
At the poem which was inside).

'Cash?' you asked. 'Bah!' we said,
'We'll do much better than that.
We'll choose a gift with thought and care,
Maybe something for your flat...'

So here it is, our gift to you,
We hope it's up your street.
And if it's not, well that's too bad,
Because we lost the damn receipt.

pharmaton

you're a very talented bunch of individuals jus remind me never to invite any of you to my wedding

Lando Griffin

Tick tock goes your clock.
Is this a wind up?
Batteries not included removed it and threw it.
Back in its box every second, hour and minute you have been just been reunited.

Allyall

We got your wedding invitation,
and danced a merry caper,
but to our utter consternation,
attached was written paper.

We had a gift handpicked for you,
one purchased with our wages,
We entered an installment plan,
and paid for it in stages.

But cash you want,
so cash you'll get,
but not as much this date,
after spending two bob on this card,
We're only left with eight (euro).

Have a great day, and don't worry about the previous gift,
We are going to keep it for another wedding.

stefan idiot jones

Here's a ditty that came into my head,
as I was nailing your girl on top of your bed. She's a high maintenance that's a fact,
she even vajazzles her big shaven tw@t.

Now I know you're one of my oldest chums,
but I can't stop your missus from sucking my plums.
And your taste for cheap lager is quite interesting,
you build up quite a thirst doing all that fisting.

For your wedding gift I have to make an awkward decision,
while my forearm is stuck in this slappers incision.
That crappy clock that you gave me never keeps time,
from the length of my cock your one's snorting a line.

So I've impregnated your bride which you couldn't do,
Your so fu@king tight people call you a Jew.
Enjoy your wedding for all that it's worth,
Just remember your wife took the whole of my girth.

Congrats to the happy couple on this special day, and don't let her near the Spanish waiters.
Only joking old friend. Now go and have sloppy seconds with the beautiful bride.

dxhound2005

Cunning Stunt wrote: »

There was a young couple to wed

who asked that our wallets be bled

Now we hope they're not miffed

but we got them a gift

They can like it or lump it instead!

I feel the limerick format is slightly inappropriate. But at least you didn't attempt one referring to your user name.

sadie06

Don't feel bad, it really is fine
That you so helpfully dropped us a line
To tell us that presents were not needed,
but alas, your instructions were not heeded.

This sacrament is marriage, we know, not confession,
but I don't think you've noticed, we're in a recession!
We spent what we could, no more and no less.
So here is your present....goodnight and God bless.

.Henry Sellers.

So I hear its cash your after,
"No gifts, just money",
Some cheek!
Thinking back of that clock you got me,
Jaysus, you were some hungry prick that week.

Now its my time for vengeance,
Ill rightly fcuk you up,
Ah I'm only messin,
I wish you the best of luck.

But seriously about that clock,
You must have been having a joke,
I can be funny to you know,
So I gave yer misses a poke.

Start with this

Now this is a story all about how
My plans got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how you got this gift of Newbridge Silverware



The rest should just fall in to place. You're welcome

jinkybhoy

Lapin wrote: »

Take it back to the shop and trade it in for the complete collection of Johnny Cash albums. Give them that.

Present and cash dilemma sorted in one fell swoop :pac:

I like that idea.....

jinkybhoy

sadie06 wrote: »

Don't feel bad, it really is fine
That you so helpfully dropped us a line
To tell us that presents were not needed,
but alas, your instructions were not heeded.

This sacrament is marriage, we know, not confession,
but I don't think you've noticed, we're in a recession!
We spent what we could, no more and no less.
So here is your present....goodnight and God bless.

Very nice also:)