Plus 1

teacheritis · 26-07-2013 12:09AM #1

My friends wedding is in 4 weeks and only found out today that my boyfriend isn't invited and while I know keeping expense and size down is important I wish I knew sooner as he went to a lot of hassle to get the day off. Would it be rude to ask, I hate putting them under pressure. Thanks.

angeldelight · 26-07-2013 02:29AM

teacheritis wrote: »

My friends wedding is in 4 weeks and only found out today that my boyfriend isn't invited and while I know keeping expense and size down is important I wish I knew sooner as he went to a lot of hassle to get the day off. Would it be rude to ask, I hate putting them under pressure. Thanks.

Unfortunately yes I really think it would be. Without being too harsh, had they really wanted him there he would have been invited in the first place. It could also be that if they invited him they'd have to invite lots of other plus ones and they can't afford to... It does seem bad form that you I ly found out with 4 weeks to go, but I don't think you should ask

clint_silver · 26-07-2013 08:28AM

teacheritis wrote: »

My friends wedding is in 4 weeks and only found out today that my boyfriend isn't invited and while I know keeping expense and size down is important I wish I knew sooner as he went to a lot of hassle to get the day off. Would it be rude to ask, I hate putting them under pressure. Thanks.

How did you find out, Im guessing you were told no plus ones rather than your boyfriend specifically wasn't invited.

I actually would ask, but would be very diplomatic about it and make it a real no obligatory thing that he has to be invited and even offer to pay for the extra seat as its obvious you would rather he be at the day with you.

If B&G agree but refuse payment, Id make it up in the envelope.

If they say they'd rather not for whatever reason, then let them know its not a problem.

Berty · 26-07-2013 08:34AM

If it was your wedding would you like people coming up and asking you can they bring this person and that?

I'm sure they've made their decision for some reason or other and could be put in an embarrassing situation being asked to add him. You could be put in a situation by being refused point blank as well.

clint_silver · 26-07-2013 08:44AM

Beer Baron wrote: »

If it was your wedding would you like people coming up and asking you can they bring this person and that?

I'm sure they've made their decision for some reason or other and could be put in an embarrassing situation being asked to add him. You could be put in a situation by being refused point blank as well.

what if the couple didn't know she had a boyfriend, only found out afterwards and were embarrased that she felt she couldn't approach beforehand let them know.

For me, all depends on how she found out he wasn't invited.

If its him specifically not invited, thats the end of it, if its "we're on a tight budget so invitees only" then it may be got round with my earlier suggestion.

Gatica · 26-07-2013 10:02AM

have you received an invite already? (I'm also wondering why your bf got time off work before you got the invitation, if that's the case.)

Depending on how close you are to the B&G and what you know of their wedding type/location. If it's a huge wedding, maybe it's a matter of asking, if it's a small intimate affair then maybe that's what they wanted in the first place. Judge it by the situation

DjangoMc · 26-07-2013 10:50AM

I wouldn't ask. I got married three months ago and its annoying when guests ask "is so & so invited".
We had our budget done and the list is done to what we could afford. Plus we didn't want someone we didn't know more or less getting a free slap up meal and what not.
Its bad form to ask.

clint_silver · 26-07-2013 11:21AM

DjangoMc wrote: »

I wouldn't ask. I got married three months ago and its annoying when guests ask "is so & so invited".
We had our budget done and the list is done to what we could afford. Plus we didn't want someone we didn't know more or less getting a free slap up meal and what not.
Its bad form to ask.

I know you didnt mean it that way but I would consider it bad form to refer to a guests partner as just "so & so". A wedding is a social event where people want their partners with them, if the partner is a boyfriend newly on the scene then ok but if its a long term thing Id consider it bad form not to consider the invited guests relationship status.

opinionable of course.

DjangoMc · 26-07-2013 12:19PM

clint_silver wrote: »

I know you didnt mean it that way but I would consider it bad form to refer to a guests partner as just "so & so". A wedding is a social event where people want their partners with them, if the partner is a boyfriend newly on the scene then ok but if its a long term thing Id consider it bad form not to consider the invited guests relationship status.

opinionable of course.

"So & So" is just a saying!

If I didn't meet the person before the wedding, they weren't invited. I hgave people plenty of oppertunities for us to meet their other halves (we threw a party and invited everyone) and they weren't bothered to bring them.

One person, a Bridesmaid actually, wanted PLUS 3. Her kinda boyfriend, her sister and her sisters boyfriend. Never met the three of them and I wasn't paying for three people to stuff their faces (at €80 per head)

If the Bride & Groom don't know a person, they won't invite them. I only say this as I was part of a forum where it was "Brides 2 Be" talking about everything wedding related and all of us agreed we wouldn't invite someone if we didn't know them.

Gatica · 26-07-2013 01:17PM

I understand not inviting someone's OH that's only been with them a short time and you've never met them, but I wouldn't consider it nice to a friend not to invite their long-term partner.
Invited a friend from work who'd moved back to the continent, he was in a long-distance relationship when he was in Ireland, so never met his gf, however considered it right to invite her to the wedding. I knew of her, it was just circumstances that I'd never met her.

PS: I agree on not inviting the +3 you mentioned though. Bad form of her to even ask.

teacheritis · 26-07-2013 01:18PM

Yeah I only found out on the invite, it just had my name on it. I assumed he would've been invited and that's why he booked the day off as its difficult time for him to get time off. It will feel very odd without him there, and I know I'm well capable of mingling etc. I don't like the opinion of people saying about the free slap up meal, that's not what it should be thought o and wouldn't like to be thought of as such a burden to bride and groom, that I'm only there to get a free meal and not there to celebrate an amazing special day with them and share that day with the person I love too. Anyway it's fine I'm not going to ask and I know weddings are expensive for all involved.

Ms2011 · 26-07-2013 02:58PM

I invited all the partner of my guests, I think it a bit rude not to.
I also gave those who are single an optional plus 1, I don't mind who they bring, partner, friend etc. I want everyone to feel comfortable on the day.

rainbowtrout · 26-07-2013 03:14PM

teacheritis wrote: »

Yeah I only found out on the invite, it just had my name on it. I assumed he would've been invited and that's why he booked the day off as its difficult time for him to get time off. It will feel very odd without him there, and I know I'm well capable of mingling etc. I don't like the opinion of people saying about the free slap up meal, that's not what it should be thought o and wouldn't like to be thought of as such a burden to bride and groom, that I'm only there to get a free meal and not there to celebrate an amazing special day with them and share that day with the person I love too. Anyway it's fine I'm not going to ask and I know weddings are expensive for all involved.

But that's what it is essentially. The bride and groom aren't looking at you in terms of the cost of your meal/getting a free meal/being a burden, they invited you because you are their friend and want you to be there, but they will be looking at all the random +1s they don't know as such and thinking that's an unnecessary cost for people they don't know. When meals are anything between 50-100 a head on average, an extra 10 plus ones adds a good few hundred to the hotel bill when they are paying it. You are looking at it from the point of view of 'it's only one extra', but if everyone who got a single invite contacted the couple to ask for a plus one the numbers could add up pretty quickly.

As for sharing the day with the person you love too.... well it's not about you and you have plenty other days to share with him.

cmbutterfly45 · 26-07-2013 03:21PM

I get what people are saying in terms of not inviting partners they don't know due to numbers ect, but were planning our wedding at minute and I wouldn't dream of inviting someone without a plus one reason being I would feel terribly uncomfortable going to a wedding without my partner I just think it is an event that its very appropriate to have partners at , we will count in the plus ones from the beginning and if we run out of space for guests I certainly won't be cutting it down by removing my guests partners!!

Gatica · 26-07-2013 03:23PM

you mean plus partners or plus random 1's?

Personally I think there's a difference in the relevance of these. The OP never said whether the B&G know of her OH or just assumed she'd get a +1.

teacheritis · 26-07-2013 03:34PM

rainbowtrout wrote: »

But that's what it is essentially. The bride and groom aren't looking at you in terms of the cost of your meal/getting a free meal/being a burden, they invited you because you are their friend and want you to be there, but they will be looking at all the random +1s they don't know as such and thinking that's an unnecessary cost for people they don't know. When meals are anything between 50-100 a head on average, an extra 10 plus ones adds a good few hundred to the hotel bill when they are paying it. You are looking at it from the point of view of 'it's only one extra', but if everyone who got a single invite contacted the couple to ask for a plus one the numbers could add up pretty quickly.

As for sharing the day with the person you love too.... well it's not about you and you have plenty other days to share with him.

Yeah but they will make that back, plus probably more from the money I do give them anyway. I know everyone gives different amounts and I'm not going to. Be giving less just because my OH isn't invited because that's not what it's about. I guess I'm naive and it is all about the money these days. I don't mind that they are doing it their way, really I was just curious about the etiquette about asking and got my answer, which I appreciate.

Yes I know I have plenty of days with him and don't think it is about me. I really just wanted to know was it rude to ask and I got my answer. As I said I know they are expensive and it's disappointing that it needs to be reiterated to me as if i dont understand that.

teacheritis · 26-07-2013 03:35PM

Sorry that sounds bad they'll make it back. Doesn't come out right, ignore that, sounds awful to me!

pwurple · 26-07-2013 03:46PM

How did you only get your invite 4 weeks before the wedding? I would ahve thought 6 weeks was the minimum? Is it some sort of rush wedding, or did you assume you were invited, and are getting the 'second-round' that some people do?

We had a few of those, this ex-collegue of my husbands, who he hadn't worked with for about a decade, or spoken to in over a year since he moved up the country, texted his address as his invite 'must have gotten lost'. Sheesh. We buckled and invited him so as not to embarress him.

Whatever the reason for the B&G not inviting, maybe they never met him, who knows... but you certainly can't ask someone else to be invited at this stage. Especially someone they don't even know.

Table plans are a right royal pain in the arse, and adding one additional person is very awkward.

Chattastrophe! · 26-07-2013 07:49PM

cmbutterfly45 wrote: »

I get what people are saying in terms of not inviting partners they don't know due to numbers ect, but were planning our wedding at minute and I wouldn't dream of inviting someone without a plus one reason being I would feel terribly uncomfortable going to a wedding without my partner I just think it is an event that its very appropriate to have partners at , we will count in the plus ones from the beginning and if we run out of space for guests I certainly won't be cutting it down by removing my guests partners!!

OK but the thing is, everyone has a limit when it comes to numbers. Say you decide your limit is 80 guests - that's approximately 40 on each side. We'll say that there are 10 couples on your side that you want to invite because you're close to both individuals - that's 20 people. So you have only 20 remaining invites. Wouldn't you rather invite 20 people you're actually close to personally, who your partner would have met, and who you genuinely want to be there ... rather than 10 good friends, and 10 random +1s you may never have met.

Granted, some people have more flexibility in numbers than others. But most people are planning around very strict budgets and numbers.

Also, I don't see why you'd feel so uncomfortable going to a wedding without your partner?

For me a wedding is a really social occasion, everyone tends to chat to everyone whether they knew them previously or not. I'd have no problem going to a wedding alone. And similarly, I'd have little interest in attending a wedding as my boyfriend's '+1' if I didn't even know the couple getting married!

lazygal · 26-07-2013 07:56PM

I don't understand not asking people's partners, but it happens. I recently attended a wedding without my husband because we weren't sure if he could go, so I RSVPd with me only. Things changed, but it would never occur to me to ask if he could come. I had replied, the couple had made their plans and it would be rude to ask them to change. They have enough to be doing.

If I didn't want to attend a wedding, for whatever reason including not getting a +1, I would simply decline in a timely manner and send a card/gift as appropriate. I would not ask why someone wasn't asked. We were asked by guests why their children weren't invited, and it was a pain in the hole having to deal with the requests as to whether little Aoife or William could be squeezed in. Its rude to ask a host why someone else hasn't been asked.

Oh and its not about 'making money'. We had our wedding saved for in advance, we had a certain number of guests we wanted to ask and that was that. We didn't see extras as a chance to make a few more bob.

Reine · 02-08-2013 10:54AM

Tlachtga wrote: »

OK but the thing is, everyone has a limit when it comes to numbers. Say you decide your limit is 80 guests - that's approximately 40 on each side. We'll say that there are 10 couples on your side that you want to invite because you're close to both individuals - that's 20 people. So you have only 20 remaining invites. Wouldn't you rather invite 20 people you're actually close to personally, who your partner would have met, and who you genuinely want to be there ... rather than 10 good friends, and 10 random +1s you may never have met.

Granted, some people have more flexibility in numbers than others. But most people are planning around very strict budgets and numbers.

Also, I don't see why you'd feel so uncomfortable going to a wedding without your partner? For me a wedding is a really social occasion, everyone tends to chat to everyone whether they knew them previously or not. I'd have no problem going to a wedding alone. And similarly, I'd have little interest in attending a wedding as my boyfriend's '+1' if I didn't even know the couple getting married!

I feel quite the opposite and would not attend a wedding or an afters alone. If someone is not important enough to give a us 1 to then maybe they shouldn't be on the list in the first place? I would find it highly disrespectful. With regards to the expense is €100 per person not standard? Therefor there would be no additional expense with the plus 1 adding another €100.

lazygal · 02-08-2013 11:46AM

Reine wrote: »

I feel quite the opposite and would not attend a wedding or an afters alone. If someone is not important enough to give a us 1 to then maybe they shouldn't be on the list in the first place? I would find it highly disrespectful. With regards to the expense is €100 per person not standard? Therefor there would be no additional expense with the plus 1 adding another €100.

Its not about expense. Its rude to ask a host why someone isn't invited. If I didn't want to go without my partner I'd decline, not ask for them to be included. Not everyone wants a larger wedding than they'd planned.

BizzyC · 02-08-2013 12:04PM

Reine wrote: »

I feel quite the opposite and would not attend a wedding or an afters alone. If someone is not important enough to give a us 1 to then maybe they shouldn't be on the list in the first place? I would find it highly disrespectful. With regards to the expense is €100 per person not standard? Therefor there would be no additional expense with the plus 1 adding another €100.

No, adding the plus one adds another €100 to their costs. So it is an additional expense.

We had the opposite with a mates wedding.
They had limited numbers and decided to only bring couples.
That resulted in an awkward wedding where half the grooms mates weren't able to go at all, while a bunch of +1's who didn't really know the couple were there instead.

Given that scenario, I'd much rather have all my mates there with no +1's in attendance.

Fionn · 02-08-2013 03:49PM

Well. if thats the general strategy the B&G are adopting, I reckon the dance floor might be pretty empty on the night with all those singletons around the place!! :rolleyes:

But seriously, the B&G should have budgeted for pairs (unless they know for certain that a person wouldn't bring a date) and those that they couldn't afford, then invite to the afters citing their desire to stay within budget etc. I think these days it'd quite acceptable. I realise that some people would like to attend the actual ceremony, but you cant have everything.

Any parties or events I've ever been invited to, the invite always extended to my partner, even in times where i was single i would still get a +1. How would they know if i had a g/f or not, and if i did get an invite only for me, I certainly wouldn't go! thats bloody presumptuous of anybody and really shows how close a friend you really are to them! (at least they could inquire!!!)

chocfan · 02-08-2013 04:53PM

I think somebody has mentioned this already, but I think it's worth considering the numbers that the bride and groom are allowed have at the venue

We're getting married next summer and the venue has a max of 180 people. I know that sounds like a huge amount (and I agree!!) but the reality is we both come from very large families and even with just inviting aunts and uncles (ditching a lot of cousins but find it hard to ditch the aunts and uncles!!) our numbers are getting really tight.

We've both moved around a lot and have a lot of very good friends through working in different jobs etc. Really going to struggle to cap it to 180 without offending people and the thought did cross my mind that we might have to invite people without a Plus 1 which isn't something I ever thought I'd want to do

Just something to think about rather than focussing solely on the fact that the bride and groom are doing it from a monetary aspect

rainbowtrout · 02-08-2013 07:51PM

Fionn wrote: »

Well. if thats the general strategy the B&G are adopting, I reckon the dance floor might be pretty empty on the night with all those singletons around the place!! :rolleyes:

But seriously, the B&G should have budgeted for pairs (unless they know for certain that a person wouldn't bring a date) and those that they couldn't afford, then invite to the afters citing their desire to stay within budget etc. I think these days it'd quite acceptable. I realise that some people would like to attend the actual ceremony, but you cant have everything.

Any parties or events I've ever been invited to, the invite always extended to my partner, even in times where i was single i would still get a +1. How would they know if i had a g/f or not, and if i did get an invite only for me, I certainly wouldn't go! thats bloody presumptuous of anybody and really shows how close a friend you really are to them! (at least they could inquire!!!)

I'm a single person, I've often gone to weddings on my own but have had other friends/relations going so I'm not on my own. What you're suggesting is that someone in a relationship should get preference over single people/single invites simply because they are in a relationship. So should my close friends bump me off the list for their wedding because I'm single, in favour of some cousin's boyfriend, just because she has a boyfriend that they may not even know?

In terms of you recieving invites, they're inviting you because they are your friend, your girlfriend is your girlfriend not theirs. You are conducting a relationship with her, they are not. They are under no obligation to invite her.

I was talking to a friend of mine about this only last week. She had attended a friend's wedding the previous weekend. The groom was a work colleague of hers and there were about 8 of them invited from work. No plus ones. He wanted to invite all 8 of them but couldn't afford to give them all plus ones with the numbers already attending. She's single and didn't mind. All of them are friends and were seated together for the reception, but she did say a few of them in relationships had their noses in a knot because their boyfriends/girlfriends weren't invited. Why should it matter, they were hanging out with 7 of their friends for the day, why was it absolutely necessary in their minds that their partners were invited to a wedding where they may have only met the groom once if at all??? A wedding is a celebration of the new wed couple, not a couples day out. Why not enjoy the day with a group of friends???

April O Neill · 02-08-2013 08:52PM

DjangoMc wrote: »

IPlus we didn't want someone we didn't know more or less getting a free slap up meal and what not.

A whole other issue... but it ain't free!

hoodwinked · 02-08-2013 09:28PM

op if you just got the invitation just ask,

it happened with us where one of the grooms parents best friends (who we'd know very well and was like an uncle to the groom) had their teenage son with them the day of our wedding, they didn't feel it was appropriate to ask us could he join (but as it turned out someone couldn't make the dinner at the table next to theirs with others he'd have known sitting there) and we felt so bad after that he ate alone in the room, but we didn't know he was there, as soon as we did (talking to them after dinner) we told them to bring him down to join the party,

hotels can change numbers right up to last minute (and there is usually a last minute drop out) its not as big a deal as some people make out.

April O Neill · 02-08-2013 09:29PM

Reine wrote: »

With regards to the expense is €100 per person not standard?

No?

People might want to ask partners but may not be able to afford to, doesn't meant the invitee isn't important to them. And not everyone is relying on the guests paying for their wedding.

April O Neill · 02-08-2013 09:32PM

BizzyC wrote: »

That resulted in an awkward wedding where half the grooms mates weren't able to go at all, while a bunch of +1's who didn't really know the couple were there instead.

Whose terrible idea was that?

April O Neill · 02-08-2013 09:33PM

Fionn wrote: »

I reckon the dance floor might be pretty empty on the night with all those singletons around the place!! :rolleyes:

Plus 1

Comments