Settle or Single?

lahalane · 29-05-2013 03:19PM #1

(Assuming that a relationship is something that you strive for to some degree in your life)
If you couldn't find the right partner for you, would you rather live the rest of your life single or just be with somebody for the sake of it?

For those of you who are lucky enough to have found the right partner, please don't feel obliged to mention this fact, I don't like to cringe when it is this warm. It kind of stings my forehead? Just put yourself in the situation of never having found the right person and answer accordingly.

I don't think I'd like being lonely but I would have to go for that option because I'd feel guilty being in a relationship with someone if I didn't really love them. No point in two people being miserable.

Merkin · 29-05-2013 03:23PM

Well I think there can't be anything more lonely or isolating than being in a relationship with someone you don't love for the sake of it. Why would you bother?

Mr Benevolent · 29-05-2013 03:24PM

TL;DR: Should I use my own hand or someone else's?

wuzziwig · 29-05-2013 03:25PM

Merkin wrote: »

Well I think there can't be anything more lonely or isolating than being in a relationship with someone you don't love for the sake of it. Why would you bother?

I 100% agree.

I'm in the middle of an extremely difficult separation from my DH at the moment and it's the most stressful, upsetting thing I've ever gone through so that's more than likely affecting my answer here but I'd rather stay single than just settle for someone.

The Backwards Man · 29-05-2013 03:29PM

Que sera sera.

SebBerkovich · 29-05-2013 03:30PM

Single - so i can play computer games anytime i want!

WumBuster · 29-05-2013 03:31PM

When Im 40 i'll settle for someone 20 years younger

29-05-2013 03:34PM

Depends how good lookin the other half was...if average I'd rather be single

EdCastle · 29-05-2013 03:37PM

WumBuster wrote: »

When Im 40 i'll settle for someone 20 years younger

Really? At mid thirties, couldn't ever see myself dating anyone in their early to mid 20's again, more hassle than it's worth to be honest... like dealing with adults who still think like kids.

podgemonster · 29-05-2013 03:42PM

I'm mid 40's Single life suits me, don't have many friends, freak out all of my potential partners. I am very socially awkward and accident prone. Spend my free time shopping, doing exams, going to the beach, going to a school science convention, attending church, playing mini golf, driving in my mini, going to the cinema, eating out and redecorating. I even send myself cards at Christmas too just to hang them up on the wall.

There were highlights i suppose, like when holidaying in american i was mistaken for an art expert and accidently made wreck of a priceless Whistlers Mother painting, oh the fun i had.

miguelk · 29-05-2013 03:43PM

Do the people who find "the right partner" have moment when the realise this is the one....or perhaps instead they have a moment when they realise "I can't do any better"....

So in that sense, doesn't everyone "settle" in the end?

WumBuster · 29-05-2013 03:45PM

EdCastle wrote: »

Really? At mid thirties, couldn't ever see myself dating anyone in their early to mid 20's again, more hassle than it's worth to be honest... like dealing with adults who still think like kids.

Well that depends really. Some people in their early 20's can be quite mature, some arent.

lahalane · 29-05-2013 03:50PM

miguelk wrote: »

Do the people who find "the right partner" have moment when the realise this is the one....or perhaps instead they have a moment when they realise "I can't do any better"....

So in that sense, doesn't everyone "settle" in the end?

Well for the purpose of this question let's assume that people who think they won't do better are settling and the people who find the one are with the person they love more than anyone else, so they aren't just doing it for the sake of it, they're in love.

Henlars67 · 29-05-2013 03:53PM

I'm 30 and single and plan on staying that way. Don't like relationships.

What annoys me is people saying 'you just didn't meet the right one yet' and people who can't understand why I don't want to meet someone and settle down.

I know it's what most people do but it isn't for everyone, yet other people just won't accept that and think that there is something wrong with me for having that attitude.

I don't like the idea of being obliged to attend, weddings, family functions etc with someone, or even the idea of putting time and effort into a relationship.

Stay single and have one night stands.

Sauve · 29-05-2013 04:01PM

If you're not happy in yourself and in being single, then you'll likely not be any happier in a relationship.
" Settling" for the sake of having someone to argue with for 40 years doesn't appeal to me at all.

Spudmonkey · 29-05-2013 04:04PM

podgemonster wrote: »

I'm mid 40's Single life suits me, don't have many friends, freak out all of my potential partners. I am very socially awkward and accident prone. Spend my free time shopping, doing exams, going to the beach, going to a school science convention, attending church, playing mini golf, driving in my mini, going to the cinema, eating out and redecorating. I even send myself cards at Christmas too just to hang them up on the wall.

There were highlights i suppose, like when holidaying in american i was mistaken for an art expert and accidently made wreck of a priceless Whistlers Mother painting, oh the fun i had.

You have a teddy for company anyway so you're grand!

scotchannie · 29-05-2013 04:08PM

happily single can't be bothered with all the stress of having to answer to someone else... loving the freedom of being able to do what i want when i want without the hassle that comes with relationships... :-)

vitani · 29-05-2013 04:10PM

podgemonster wrote: »

I'm mid 40's Single life suits me, don't have many friends, freak out all of my potential partners. I am very socially awkward and accident prone. Spend my free time shopping, doing exams, going to the beach, going to a school science convention, attending church, playing mini golf, driving in my mini, going to the cinema, eating out and redecorating. I even send myself cards at Christmas too just to hang them up on the wall.

There were highlights i suppose, like when holidaying in american i was mistaken for an art expert and accidently made wreck of a priceless Whistlers Mother painting, oh the fun i had.

I actually think Mr Bean has a great life. He's always off doing something interesting.

As for the question, single for me. It can get lonely at times but I can't imagine anything worse than settling for someone I'm not in love with.

Mr.Prodston · 29-05-2013 04:17PM

Well it depends on who the person you'd be settling with was....

....Hoping nobody notices I didn't really answer the question

ruthiepie · 29-05-2013 04:21PM

I'm quite happily single at the moment, have seen plenty of people around me settle for someone cos they cannot handle being single. Really doesn't bother me that much, actually I quite like my own company!! I don't think the day will ever come where I think that settling for someone I don't love would be the better option. I think I'd rather just stay single and get loads of cats. I wouldn't be known as the single one then, just the creepy cat lady!!! :pac:

Hoop66 · 29-05-2013 04:26PM

I found someone who'd put up with me. I know when I'm well off, so I wouldn't really call it settling.

jaffacakesyum · 29-05-2013 04:28PM

I'm always single. I'm young at the moment so I have fun and it's grand, I'm not too fussed at the moment. However, being terminally single isn't great, so if I couldn't find someone I loved I'd probably settle. I don't think I'd want to be single til I'm 80 years old. It would be horrible to be alone all your life. And I have loads of friends, lots of hobbies, am quite sociable. But for me there's a difference between having great friends and family, and having somebody you can sleep next to every night. For me anyway, I know everybodys different. But I definitely couldn't hack being along my whole life. 21 years is hard enough :pac:

That said, it wouldn't be fair on the other person, so it would have to be a mutually agreed "we don't love each other but enjoy each others company" thing :pac:

Legs.Eleven · 29-05-2013 04:36PM

Some people presume people they know have settled. Some people presume everyone in a relationship has settled and is miserable. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We know fook all about how other people's relationships are working beyond the small bit of time we spend with them socially.

H3llR4iser · 29-05-2013 04:41PM

In all fairness, "settling" with somebody just for the sake of not being alone is just about the worst mistake that anybody can ever do.

Learn to be "enough for yourself", so to speak, and you'll also learn to properly appreciate when you are not by yourself.

looking_around · 29-05-2013 04:43PM

I think most people who settle end up breaking up eventually.

But then we can only really speak for ourselves.

I don't know, truly. If you get along well enough and care for the person you're with. Maybe settling is better than to keep looking for someone who might be "perfect" for you.

Part of me wants to say, never settle...But then, I think, I might currently be settling, myself so umm..yeah

SmilingLurker · 29-05-2013 04:46PM

Single. Right person or not at all.

Settle means restricting who you might meet, and is far too much heartache.

hatrickpatrick · 29-05-2013 04:48PM

A relationship is not something I strive for unless it's the right one, and I'd definitely rather be single than with someone I wasn't actually in love with.

I've never really understood those who put more emphasis on the fact of being in a relationship or its status than on the person its with. I'd run a mile from such a person if I found myself dating one in fact. A related phenomenon is the 'marriage ultimatum' you hear about these days - surely if someone takes the view that they can dump their partner and find someone else, and that matters more than being with the person they love, that says a lot about how they view relationships in general?

I'd want to be with someone because she loves me, and not because "I'll do" or because she needs the security of a relationship. Can't imagine anything more lonely or depressing.

Daith · 29-05-2013 04:51PM

Single. I don't think I could settle but it's not fun when the majority of your friends are not single. The lads holidays turns into trips away with their partners. Which is of course fine but yeah it can get lonely.

hatrickpatrick · 29-05-2013 04:53PM

H3llR4iser wrote: »

In all fairness, "settling" with somebody just for the sake of not being alone is just about the worst mistake that anybody can ever do.

Learn to be "enough for yourself", so to speak, and you'll also learn to properly appreciate when you are not by yourself.

Dear God this. This so much.
I have one friend who's pretty much never been single since she was 15, now in her early twenties. A few months ago we had a conversation just after her bf had dumped her and she was bored out of her mind, and came to the realization that she literally couldn't think of anything she enjoyed doing, even just heading to the cinema or a concert or something like that - she was so used to being with someone all the time that she had absolutely no life of her own, her entire life for the last half a decade had revolved around doing "relationshippy stuff". So as you can imagine, she ended up in a string of horrible relationships because being single was scarier than being with a gobsh!te.

Apart from the whole "some girls are masochists who are attracted to guys who treat them like crap" stereotype I honestly think this is a big factor in why some people stay in relationships when all their friends and family can see that it's abusive and they're utterly miserable - they don't know how to be single, how to live just for themselves, and so the idea of not having someone is actually worse than the idea of being with someone who makes them feel like sh!te.

Depressing stuff, but a bit of an eye opener all the same. Explains so much of what I once thought was unexplainable.

Celly Smunt · 29-05-2013 04:55PM

Economic marriage is the way to go.2 people,no love,living together like roomates with the economic benefits (taxes,loans,mortgage) etc etc.Legally married yet socially single.Its the way forward.When gay marriage comes in my mate and I are going to get married.

EdCastle · 29-05-2013 05:08PM

WumBuster wrote: »

Well that depends really. Some people in their early 20's can be quite mature, some arent.

I disagree.

Maturity comes with life experience, early and mid 20's just don't have that, most are fresh out of school and the rest are trying to find their way.

The face and mind reveal all, maturity can't be bluffed.

Settle or Single?

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