Settle or Single?

lahalane

(Assuming that a relationship is something that you strive for to some degree in your life)
If you couldn't find the right partner for you, would you rather live the rest of your life single or just be with somebody for the sake of it?

For those of you who are lucky enough to have found the right partner, please don't feel obliged to mention this fact, I don't like to cringe when it is this warm. It kind of stings my forehead? Just put yourself in the situation of never having found the right person and answer accordingly.

I don't think I'd like being lonely but I would have to go for that option because I'd feel guilty being in a relationship with someone if I didn't really love them. No point in two people being miserable.

Merkin

Well I think there can't be anything more lonely or isolating than being in a relationship with someone you don't love for the sake of it. Why would you bother?

Mr Benevolent

TL;DR: Should I use my own hand or someone else's?

wuzziwig

Merkin wrote: »

Well I think there can't be anything more lonely or isolating than being in a relationship with someone you don't love for the sake of it. Why would you bother?

I 100% agree.

I'm in the middle of an extremely difficult separation from my DH at the moment and it's the most stressful, upsetting thing I've ever gone through so that's more than likely affecting my answer here but I'd rather stay single than just settle for someone.

The Backwards Man

Que sera sera.

SebBerkovich

Single - so i can play computer games anytime i want!

WumBuster

When Im 40 i'll settle for someone 20 years younger

Sirsok

Depends how good lookin the other half was...if average I'd rather be single

EdCastle

WumBuster wrote: »

When Im 40 i'll settle for someone 20 years younger

Really? At mid thirties, couldn't ever see myself dating anyone in their early to mid 20's again, more hassle than it's worth to be honest... like dealing with adults who still think like kids.

podgemonster

I'm mid 40's Single life suits me, don't have many friends, freak out all of my potential partners. I am very socially awkward and accident prone. Spend my free time shopping, doing exams, going to the beach, going to a school science convention, attending church, playing mini golf, driving in my mini, going to the cinema, eating out and redecorating. I even send myself cards at Christmas too just to hang them up on the wall.

There were highlights i suppose, like when holidaying in american i was mistaken for an art expert and accidently made wreck of a priceless Whistlers Mother painting, oh the fun i had.

miguelk

Do the people who find "the right partner" have moment when the realise this is the one....or perhaps instead they have a moment when they realise "I can't do any better"....

So in that sense, doesn't everyone "settle" in the end?

WumBuster

EdCastle wrote: »

Really? At mid thirties, couldn't ever see myself dating anyone in their early to mid 20's again, more hassle than it's worth to be honest... like dealing with adults who still think like kids.

Well that depends really. Some people in their early 20's can be quite mature, some arent.

lahalane

miguelk wrote: »

Do the people who find "the right partner" have moment when the realise this is the one....or perhaps instead they have a moment when they realise "I can't do any better"....

So in that sense, doesn't everyone "settle" in the end?

Well for the purpose of this question let's assume that people who think they won't do better are settling and the people who find the one are with the person they love more than anyone else, so they aren't just doing it for the sake of it, they're in love.

Henlars67

I'm 30 and single and plan on staying that way. Don't like relationships.

What annoys me is people saying 'you just didn't meet the right one yet' and people who can't understand why I don't want to meet someone and settle down.

I know it's what most people do but it isn't for everyone, yet other people just won't accept that and think that there is something wrong with me for having that attitude.

I don't like the idea of being obliged to attend, weddings, family functions etc with someone, or even the idea of putting time and effort into a relationship.

Stay single and have one night stands.

Sauve

If you're not happy in yourself and in being single, then you'll likely not be any happier in a relationship.
" Settling" for the sake of having someone to argue with for 40 years doesn't appeal to me at all.

Spudmonkey

podgemonster wrote: »

I'm mid 40's Single life suits me, don't have many friends, freak out all of my potential partners. I am very socially awkward and accident prone. Spend my free time shopping, doing exams, going to the beach, going to a school science convention, attending church, playing mini golf, driving in my mini, going to the cinema, eating out and redecorating. I even send myself cards at Christmas too just to hang them up on the wall.

There were highlights i suppose, like when holidaying in american i was mistaken for an art expert and accidently made wreck of a priceless Whistlers Mother painting, oh the fun i had.

You have a teddy for company anyway so you're grand!

scotchannie

happily single can't be bothered with all the stress of having to answer to someone else... loving the freedom of being able to do what i want when i want without the hassle that comes with relationships... :-)

vitani

podgemonster wrote: »

I'm mid 40's Single life suits me, don't have many friends, freak out all of my potential partners. I am very socially awkward and accident prone. Spend my free time shopping, doing exams, going to the beach, going to a school science convention, attending church, playing mini golf, driving in my mini, going to the cinema, eating out and redecorating. I even send myself cards at Christmas too just to hang them up on the wall.

There were highlights i suppose, like when holidaying in american i was mistaken for an art expert and accidently made wreck of a priceless Whistlers Mother painting, oh the fun i had.

I actually think Mr Bean has a great life. He's always off doing something interesting.

As for the question, single for me. It can get lonely at times but I can't imagine anything worse than settling for someone I'm not in love with.

Mr.Prodston

Well it depends on who the person you'd be settling with was....


....Hoping nobody notices I didn't really answer the question

ruthiepie

I'm quite happily single at the moment, have seen plenty of people around me settle for someone cos they cannot handle being single. Really doesn't bother me that much, actually I quite like my own company!! I don't think the day will ever come where I think that settling for someone I don't love would be the better option. I think I'd rather just stay single and get loads of cats. I wouldn't be known as the single one then, just the creepy cat lady!!! :pac:

Hoop66

I found someone who'd put up with me. I know when I'm well off, so I wouldn't really call it settling.

jaffacakesyum

I'm always single. I'm young at the moment so I have fun and it's grand, I'm not too fussed at the moment. However, being terminally single isn't great, so if I couldn't find someone I loved I'd probably settle. I don't think I'd want to be single til I'm 80 years old. It would be horrible to be alone all your life. And I have loads of friends, lots of hobbies, am quite sociable. But for me there's a difference between having great friends and family, and having somebody you can sleep next to every night. For me anyway, I know everybodys different. But I definitely couldn't hack being along my whole life. 21 years is hard enough :pac:

That said, it wouldn't be fair on the other person, so it would have to be a mutually agreed "we don't love each other but enjoy each others company" thing :pac:

Legs.Eleven

Some people presume people they know have settled. Some people presume everyone in a relationship has settled and is miserable. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We know fook all about how other people's relationships are working beyond the small bit of time we spend with them socially.

H3llR4iser

In all fairness, "settling" with somebody just for the sake of not being alone is just about the worst mistake that anybody can ever do.

Learn to be "enough for yourself", so to speak, and you'll also learn to properly appreciate when you are not by yourself.

looking_around

I think most people who settle end up breaking up eventually.

But then we can only really speak for ourselves.

I don't know, truly. If you get along well enough and care for the person you're with. Maybe settling is better than to keep looking for someone who might be "perfect" for you.

Part of me wants to say, never settle...But then, I think, I might currently be settling, myself so umm..yeah

SmilingLurker

Single. Right person or not at all.

Settle means restricting who you might meet, and is far too much heartache.

hatrickpatrick

A relationship is not something I strive for unless it's the right one, and I'd definitely rather be single than with someone I wasn't actually in love with.

I've never really understood those who put more emphasis on the fact of being in a relationship or its status than on the person its with. I'd run a mile from such a person if I found myself dating one in fact. A related phenomenon is the 'marriage ultimatum' you hear about these days - surely if someone takes the view that they can dump their partner and find someone else, and that matters more than being with the person they love, that says a lot about how they view relationships in general?

I'd want to be with someone because she loves me, and not because "I'll do" or because she needs the security of a relationship. Can't imagine anything more lonely or depressing.

Daith

Single. I don't think I could settle but it's not fun when the majority of your friends are not single. The lads holidays turns into trips away with their partners. Which is of course fine but yeah it can get lonely.

hatrickpatrick

H3llR4iser wrote: »

In all fairness, "settling" with somebody just for the sake of not being alone is just about the worst mistake that anybody can ever do.

Learn to be "enough for yourself", so to speak, and you'll also learn to properly appreciate when you are not by yourself.

Dear God this. This so much.
I have one friend who's pretty much never been single since she was 15, now in her early twenties. A few months ago we had a conversation just after her bf had dumped her and she was bored out of her mind, and came to the realization that she literally couldn't think of anything she enjoyed doing, even just heading to the cinema or a concert or something like that - she was so used to being with someone all the time that she had absolutely no life of her own, her entire life for the last half a decade had revolved around doing "relationshippy stuff". So as you can imagine, she ended up in a string of horrible relationships because being single was scarier than being with a gobsh!te.

Apart from the whole "some girls are masochists who are attracted to guys who treat them like crap" stereotype I honestly think this is a big factor in why some people stay in relationships when all their friends and family can see that it's abusive and they're utterly miserable - they don't know how to be single, how to live just for themselves, and so the idea of not having someone is actually worse than the idea of being with someone who makes them feel like sh!te.

Depressing stuff, but a bit of an eye opener all the same. Explains so much of what I once thought was unexplainable.

Celly Smunt

Economic marriage is the way to go.2 people,no love,living together like roomates with the economic benefits (taxes,loans,mortgage) etc etc.Legally married yet socially single.Its the way forward.When gay marriage comes in my mate and I are going to get married.

EdCastle

WumBuster wrote: »

Well that depends really. Some people in their early 20's can be quite mature, some arent.

I disagree.

Maturity comes with life experience, early and mid 20's just don't have that, most are fresh out of school and the rest are trying to find their way.

The face and mind reveal all, maturity can't be bluffed.

1ZRed

I don't think I'd like to be single all my life but fcuk being in a relationship just for the sake of it. It'd only destroy your chances of finding someone you'd actually want to settle down with and you'd be more unhappy.

The sense of security in knowing that at least you were in a relationship wouldn't be worth it.

I'd say single all the way if that was my only other option!

Real Life

im 24 and i honestly dont know. ive never had a serious relationship and i always say id rather be single. People often dismiss me saying one day you will meet someone etc. but i like being alone. i always have been that way, i like doing what i want when i want and not having anyone to answer to.

sunflower27

I always settled in the past, but am seriously happy single and at 40 in no hurry to change that at all. I think settling is desperate and sad. Make your own life, your own fun. Relying on someone else to do that for you is never good.

I know a few people that married young and have sweet FA in common now. Am glad I am not trapped by family commitments to someone I no longer love. As said already, it is a very lonely existence and a waste of a life.

DoozerT6

Genuine question: if you've never had a relationship (like me), if someone DOES finally come along, how do you know if they're really the one for you, or you're just 'settling' out of loneliness?

And even if someone does consciously 'settle' for someone out of loneliness or some other reason, as long as there is genuine affection, mutual respect, and nobody gets hurt, then what harm, really. If you're 50 and still searching for someone, why not just 'love the one you're with', as the song goes..

Full disclosure: I am a lonely singleton who has seriously considered the above scenarios.

sunflower27

DoozerT6 wrote: »

Genuine question: if you've never had a relationship (like me), if someone DOES finally come along, how do you know if they're really the one for you, or you're just 'settling' out of loneliness?

And even if someone does consciously 'settle' for someone out of loneliness or some other reason, as long as there is genuine affection, mutual respect, and nobody gets hurt, then what harm, really. If you're 50 and still searching for someone, why not just 'love the one you're with', as the song goes..

Full disclosure: I am a lonely singleton who has seriously considered the above scenarios.

Wouldn't having someone hanging around you all the time that you are not overly bothered about be annoying/depressing as well?

Go and enjoy your life and be open to the idea of meeting lots of people. Searching for someone can be a sign of desperation so don't put out those vibes. I enjoy my friends and my own company as well. Having someone around me I was not mad about would drive me crazy.

December2012

There's a big difference between "settling" and adjusting your expectations.

looking_around

DoozerT6 wrote: »

Genuine question: if you've never had a relationship (like me), if someone DOES finally come along, how do you know if they're really the one for you, or you're just 'settling' out of loneliness?

And even if someone does consciously 'settle' for someone out of loneliness or some other reason, as long as there is genuine affection, mutual respect, and nobody gets hurt, then what harm, really. If you're 50 and still searching for someone, why not just 'love the one you're with', as the song goes..

Full disclosure: I am a lonely singleton who has seriously considered the above scenarios.

Thats what I think, if there is some fondness, and some kind of 'love'. Than is settling such a bad idea?
Is there really "that much thats better?

And from the majority of posters, they seem to like being single so that "they can do their own thing".
I'm in a relationship, I do my own thing, and do not answer to my partner. He doesn't answer to me either.

PingO_O

pmcmahon wrote: »

Economic marriage is the way to go.2 people,no love,living together like roomates with the economic benefits (taxes,loans,mortgage) etc etc.Legally married yet socially single.Its the way forward.When gay marriage comes in my mate and I are going to get married.

Lol :pac:

Captain Chaos

looking_around wrote: »

And from the majority of posters, they seem to like being single so that "they can do their own thing".
I'm in a relationship, I do my own thing, and do not answer to my partner. He doesn't answer to me either.

It's not that. It's the if I do this she'll be pissed etc. If I forget this, or don't do something a certain way or forget something. It's too much stuff to constantly to worry about and stress over.

I can't and don't do relationships, just too much hard work. Having to chase them, woo them, constantly try to impress them then after that the comfort zone and then worry about all the above. God I feel stressed just thinking about it. I really just don't get the concept of them. I just prefare to be on my own and avoid human contact as much as I can really.

Captain Chaos

pmcmahon wrote: »

Economic marriage is the way to go.2 people,no love,living together like roomates with the economic benefits (taxes,loans,mortgage) etc etc.Legally married yet socially single.Its the way forward.When gay marriage comes in my mate and I are going to get married.

You have a point there. The tax and benefit system favours couples and hockies single joes.

looking_around

Captain Chaos wrote: »

It's not that. It's the if I do this she'll be pissed etc. If I forget this, or don't do something a certain way or forget something. It's too much stuff to constantly to worry about and stress over.

I can't and don't do relationships, just too much hard work. Having to chase them, woo them, constantly try to impress them then after that the comfort zone and then worry about all the above. God I feel stressed just thinking about it. I really just don't get the concept of them. I just prefare to be on my own and avoid human contact as much as I can really.

But thats what I mean, I don't get "pissed" when my partner doesn't do something. And he doesn't get annoyed at me when I do.
Gosh, I have so many times reorganized rooms..and he's just like "where's "xxx" now?" But not like, seriously bothered.
We don't expect things from eachother.

But it's nice, to have someone to cuddle with at night.
To know, that this one person will be there for you ..and you'll be there for them. If needed.
It's nice to live with someone. (when you're NOT just cleaning up after them)
Simply, it's nice to "belong".

DoozerT6

looking_around wrote: »

But it's nice, to have someone to cuddle with at night.
To know, that this one person will be there for you ..and you'll be there for them. If needed.
It's nice to live with someone. (when you're NOT just cleaning up after them)
Simply, it's nice to "belong".

This is what I want most of all. Someone who chose ME, above anybody else, to be with. I've never had that.

OneArt

I think I'd rather settle for marrying my best friend. Romantic love/attaction seems to be a short-term thing at best designed to lead to procreation. Anyone I've ever liked I've only romantically liked for less then a year and then they started to bug me. I don't think I'd be able to have a lifelong partner that I'd be able to love all the time. I think the best bet is to just become life partners with a best mate (romantic or non-romantic, makes no difference). Just for the sake of having someone there whose company you enjoy, someone to do things with and grow old with.

I think romantic love is horribly overrated. Give me a stable, life-long friendship over marriage any day.

looking_around

DoozerT6 wrote: »

This is what I want most of all. Someone who chose ME, above anybody else, to be with. I've never had that.

remember, you have to choose them too .

But, I'll repeat, that I think I've more settled for "equal fondness", then outright "love".
And I think this might be the case for the majority of relationships, of course, not everyone will see that as settling either.

As for "never having that", Doozer. Meet people, but for the sake of meetting them/having a laugh NOT looking for dates, will open that up more.
Because when we're looking for dates, we hide our worst selves, and therefore somewhat change which can make it hard to find someone who 'matches.'

Captain Chaos

looking_around wrote: »

But it's nice, to have someone to cuddle with at night.
To know, that this one person will be there for you ..and you'll be there for them. If needed.
It's nice to live with someone. (when you're NOT just cleaning up after them)
Simply, it's nice to "belong".

All that, above. It just does not register with me. I just don't see why, the need to "be there" and "belong". I just don't get it at all, it's like I'm missing that part of the brain that has all that stuff in it. Why be or put yourself in that situation all the time instead of just going day to day by one's self. I go days without coming into contact or speaking to another person and I manage life fine.

The thoughts of someone else there all the time fills me with terror and dread.

Esoteric_

EdCastle wrote: »

I disagree.

Maturity comes with life experience, early and mid 20's just don't have that, most are fresh out of school and the rest are trying to find their way.

The face and mind reveal all, maturity can't be bluffed.

How do you know that people in their early to mid 20s don't have life experience? I'm 24, and while I don't want this to turn into a píssing contest, I probably have more life experience than people in their mid 30s, barring marriage. I'm also far from 'fresh out of school,' I did my Leaving Cert seven years ago.

Maturity cannot be bluffed, at any age. I know men in their 30s and 40s who are more childish than my 20 year old sister. Life experience doesn't come at a specific age, it comes as events happen that mould and shape the adult that you become.


As for the 'single or settle' question - I'm more than happy to be single or in a relationship. I don't need another person to make me happy, but they can add to the happiness I already feel. I'd probably get a bit lonely if I were single forever, but there's no way I'd put any man through the misery of being stuck with me if I were to just 'settle' for somebody.

looking_around

Captain Chaos wrote: »

All that, above. It just does not register with me. I just don't see why, the need to "be there" and "belong". I just don't get it at all, it's like I'm missing that part of the brain that has all that stuff in it. Why be or put yourself in that situation all the time instead of just going day to day by one's self. I go days without coming into contact or speaking to another person and I manage life fine.

The thoughts of someone else there all the time fills me with terror and dread.

Well, 1. They're not here all the time.
2. It's just one person. I generally avoid people. And seeing "a friend" once a month is more than enough.

But at nights, there is something about cuddling into someone.

It's like, I'm still going "day by day" by myself. I haven't changed anything major, we eat together(sometimes) and do our own thing in the same room.
And that, that's just nice.
And we pool our wages, which also makes life a little bit easier

A0

Sinttle.

pharmaton

OneArt wrote: »

I think I'd rather settle for marrying my best friend. Romantic love/attaction seems to be a short-term thing at best designed to lead to procreation. Anyone I've ever liked I've only romantically liked for less then a year and then they started to bug me. I don't think I'd be able to have a lifelong partner that I'd be able to love all the time. I think the best bet is to just become life partners with a best mate (romantic or non-romantic, makes no difference). Just for the sake of having someone there whose company you enjoy, someone to do things with and grow old with.

I think romantic love is horribly overrated. Give me a stable, life-long friendship over marriage any day.

I remember being 21 and my best friend saying this to me too, we were flatmates and it was just more comfortable and perfect live in situation than any romantic relationship we ever had between us, we figured we'd just grow old together. (we semi raised a child between us too, who is now all grown up and a model individual.
It must have started a pattern because I've ended up feeling that way with friendships generally, even to the point of them being the only kind of "loving" relationship I've really known so I'd happily settle for a best friend relationship too. They are kinder and more natural to me than romantic/marriage/settling to make babies type of relationships and I can't imagine ever wanting one of those.

IM0

no such thing as the right partner for you, there is no mrs/mr right, all relationships are about dealing, the main thing is you find one whose plus' outweigh their minus' half the fun is the journey not the destination. almost everyone will settle, or rather know when they are onto a good thing and stick with it. and anyone who is still looking for 'mr right' needs to lower their standards of perfection in a potential partner Id say