Why do people still have expensive weddings?

oldyouth wrote: »

There's a saying around these parts, "When you're in a hole, stop digging"

What hole exactly am I digging? Within the family was referring to my immediate family i.e. my parents and sisters. I would trust my sisters to 100% to not disclose private affairs outside of the home, however I would not even discuss most things when them hence the "maybe sometimes" statement.

I'm being made out to be all sorts because I think cash is an ideal gift and its nothing to be ashamed of to give it or receive it. Yet some of the posters who think they are too good for cash and would go as far as to turn it down obviously can't trust even their immediate family how could they when they find it so hard to believe that people don't go around disclosing private matters.

I would certainly not swap any of the gifts I've received in the past for anything the anti-cash brigade have put forward, nor will I stop giving it as a present or be "embarrassed :rolleyes:" to receive it for a present.

oldyouth wrote: »

I don't think you are listening to what is being said. It has nothing to do with cash per se, it is your attitude towards it. You expect cash/presents even though you are a grown adult, there appears to be a minimum level that you deem acceptable and if anyone falls below that you will a) tell all and sundry within your circle or b) bear a grudge and reek revenge.

If you are in the fortunate position of having generous and affluent friends and family, please take that and appreciate it for what it is. However, if others have different circumstances or (more importantly) have different concepts as to what is an appropriate gift, then that should be accepted without question. Never, EVER, should it be the subject of gossip at the next available coffee morning by a group of Stepford Wives

Exactly. It's not the cash (which I have no problem with in itself), it's the attitude towards it.

oldyouth wrote: »

I don't think you are listening to what is being said. It has nothing to do with cash per se, it is your attitude towards it. You expect cash/presents even though you are a grown adult, there appears to be a minimum level that you deem acceptable and if anyone falls below that you will a) tell all and sundry within your circle or b) bear a grudge and reek revenge.

If you are in the fortunate position of having generous and affluent friends and family, please take that and appreciate it for what it is. However, if others have different circumstances or (]more importantly) have different concepts as to what is an appropriate gift[/B], then that should be ]accepted without question]. Never, EVER, should it be the subject of gossip at the next available coffee morning by a group of Stepford Wives

For a start the only thing I actually said I expected presents for from anyone outside my immediate family were my 21st and if I ever get married. How expecting presents at either of them is anything out if the ordinary I don't understand as I've never ever come across a person who didn't get presents at both.

As it has always been the done thing to exchange presents in my family at birthdays, Christmas and grads etc again I don't see how I'm doing anything wrong here by expecting to get something. I never said anything about an acceptable level of gift in this situation, though we always try to give a gift which is useful to the other person so it may be money or a gift but I am happy with what ever I get and would never feel aggrieved.

The only situations where I actualy hinted at acceptable level were 21st's and weddings. I said 21 euro for a 21st as that's the traditional gift and never came across anyone saying otherwise before this thread and I said a decent figure at a wedding, I didnt actually say a number as that would depend on many factors like how close the person is to you etc, however I don't see the value in giving gifts other than cash which was what my main point was.

I have no problem with people who cannot afford to give much/anything however as far as the bit in bold is concerned for a person who can afford to give I believe this "different concept of an appropriate gift" is just a cover for being a bit stingy.

Greentopia wrote: »

It would've been like asking for an entrance fee to the party-in poor taste.

I never saw anyone asking for anything its just the done thing. I'm not talking about a small group of friends either. my friends are spread out over a fair bit of two counties and all would have had the same idea for a 21st so I'm not taking about tradition from a small area or anything. I never felt like I was paying an entrance fee when I was giving my friends there 21st cars and present and I must have had about 12 21st's to attend in the space of a year at one stage.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

But you seem to expect that you should come out of it with money just because it's your 21st????
Why???.

Who doesn't expect present for their birthday? Presents are often money hence you would expect money. You make it sound like I created the whole thing. This is how things were done before I was anywere near 21 and things haven't changed since I turned 21 either.

Greentopia wrote: »

Even though the whole idea of a birthday celebration with friends and family should not have anything to do with money or the expectation of it. Nice indeed. :rolleyes:

See above, who doesn't expect presents for their birthday, obviously for you money isn't a popular gift but from my experience its is one of the main gifts I have received for any occasion where a present was being given.

rainbowtrout wrote: »

It would strike me that you would open a gift and rather than be happy with what you got, you would size it up and your appreciation of it would be measured by what you perceived the person should give you based on their financial standing.

You would be very wrong if you think the above. I have never done anything like this.

Zoundz wrote: »

My question has to be *why* is a 21st a big birthday?! Really?! Congratulations on not dying before that age?! I've never understood 'big' birthdays though... seems silly to me. No-one gets major gifts from me on so called 'big' birthdays - I can't afford them, and I don't get the point. Close family get the usual well thought out gift that I know they will love and treasure.

xx

Everyone around me makes a big deal out of 21st's. 30th's, 40th's and 60th's also result in big partys but none on the scale of a 21st. I think it originates from a time when people only became an adult at 21. But the tradition of it being a big celebration has obviously lived on longer in some places than others.

Greentopia wrote: »

Indeed. And it's only a measure of how reckless, dysfunctional and entitled people like her friend is with money that £30/£40 (€35/47) is considered stingy as a wedding gift and €200/€300 from people on normal incomes seems perfectly reasonable.

Nothing to do with English stingyness, which in my experience and dealings with them and having English friends I've never found to be the case anyway.

I'm a he not a her