My sister (also bridesmaid) decides she cant afford to come to our wedding.

Electric Sheep · 20-02-2013 09:32PM

pwurple wrote: »

It would be except the poster being responded to did nothing of the sort. They said " they have been told many months in advance of the wedding where and when its on so its upto them to figure out their finances and either choose to attend or not."

How is that a summons?

Total bitchiness calling someone a bridezilla for behaving perfectly normally.

That's fine, except that there seems to be a problem on the bride's end with the choosing not to attend. I understand why in terms of the bridesmaids dresses, but apart from that I see nothing wrong with choosing not to attend any wedding for any reason.

pwurple · 20-02-2013 10:39PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

That's fine, except that there seems to be a problem on the bride's end with the choosing not to attend. I understand why in terms of the bridesmaids dresses, but apart from that I see nothing wrong with choosing not to attend any wedding for any reason.

You are not talking about the same thing as I am. The clue was in the post i actually quoted. I am referring to westie calling corkbah a bridezilla on this thread for saying that she finds it weird to pay for a guests travel. There was no problem there on that brides part with people chosing to attend or not, hence the bridezilla jab being out of line imho.

The OP has a sister who was going to the wedding but has now backed out... giving a line of fairly weird excuses about dog sitters and electricity for camper vans. She said she is disappointed, and will offer to help financially. I don't see anything remotely bridezillaish in that either.

loveisdivine · 21-02-2013 10:38AM

Wow thats been lots of replies since I was last on yesterday!

Just to clarify, the bridesmaid dress has been purchased but the flower girls have not. We have been looking and actively trying to find them, but as of yet we hadnt found anything we all liked.

It would seem, after speaking to her again last night, they are now considering coming to the civil ceremony a few days before the wedding. They want to fly in the early morning, and fly home in the evening so they dont have to pay for kennels or anything.

I told her that obviously we want them there on the Saturday but I'd rather have them at the civil ceremony than nothing at all.

I can understand people saying "move on" "its no big deal" however we are a small family and very close so it is very unexpected that they wouldnt come.
I can only offer them a small amount financially to help, not really enough to make a difference to their overall cost.

The day will go on without them. But I will notice them not being there. Its a small wedding and I was looking forward to enjoying the night with them too. Not dancing with my sister at my wedding reception will feel strange.

I figure theres one of 2 things going on. Either they really cant come for some unknown financial reason. In which case I shouldnt push it, because its not fair to put pressure on them. Or, they really dont want to come and theres no point trying to push them into it if they dont want to be there.

Gatica · 21-02-2013 10:57AM

How far apart are the ceremony and the celebrations? Maybe they couldn't afford to either travel back and forth twice, or stay over for the gap in the between the two.
It seems unfair of her to put this on you after having engaged with you on wedding plans and allowing you to pay for her dress. Maybe something serious and unforeseen has come up suddenly on them, and she's embarrassed to tell you about it or it could be the husband's secret in which case she won't have the right to reveal to you.

On your side though, honesty is the best thing. Tell her how you feel and how much it would mean to you if she was there. Could she fly over night before the wedding/early morning of and you could help her out with the overnight accommodation and then she could fly back morning after? Show her that you're willing to support her if she wants to come. She might take you up on the offer or maybe it really is some other non-financial thing that she cannot tell you about.

Either way, while you'll miss her there, remember that the important thing about that day was your and your partner's commitment to each other.

westies4ever · 21-02-2013 11:09AM

pwurple wrote: »

It would be except the poster being responded to did nothing of the sort. They said " they have been told many months in advance of the wedding where and when its on so its upto them to figure out their finances and either choose to attend or not."

How is that a summons?

Total bitchiness calling someone a bridezilla for behaving perfectly normally.

pwurple wrote: »

You are not talking about the same thing as I am. The clue was in the post i actually quoted. I am referring to westie calling corkbah a bridezilla on this thread for saying that she finds it weird to pay for a guests travel. There was no problem there on that brides part with people chosing to attend or not, hence the bridezilla jab being out of line imho.

The OP has a sister who was going to the wedding but has now backed out... giving a line of fairly weird excuses about dog sitters and electricity for camper vans. She said she is disappointed, and will offer to help financially. I don't see anything remotely bridezillaish in that either.

I used the term 'bridezilla' as the intial paragraph of corkbadh's post comes across as a bit aggressive IMHO. Sick of this 'its all about me' crap over wedding days; have had my fill of them tbh. Im just giving an opinion, no need to call me a bitch.

Ironically, OP is coming across as being fairly calm, whether her sister comes or not, her (sister) behaviour is certainly a little odd whatever the occasion was.

Sadderday · 21-02-2013 11:15AM

westies4ever wrote: »

I used the term 'bridezilla' as the intial paragraph of corkbadh's post comes across as a bit aggressive IMHO. Sick of this 'its all about me' crap over wedding days; have had my fill of them tbh. Im just giving an opinion, no need to call me a bitch.

Ironically, OP is coming across as being fairly calm, whether her sister comes or not, her (sister) behaviour is certainly a little odd whatever the occasion was.

I agree and also - Corkbadh mentioned 'i'll send out invites and those that can't make it - it's their loss'

Thats bridezilla right there... if someone does not want to go -THEIR LOSS,

If someone CANNOT go - give them the benefit of the doubt, it's your day, not theirs... hardly anyone else's loss if they cant make it is it, come on now.....

loveisdivine · 21-02-2013 11:40AM

Gatica wrote: »

How far apart are the ceremony and the celebrations? Maybe they couldn't afford to either travel back and forth twice, or stay over for the gap in the between the two.

Either way, while you'll miss her there, remember that the important thing about that day was your and your partner's commitment to each other.

Civil is Wednesday, wedding is Saturday. But they were never coming to both, I wouldnt expect that or want it. The civil was supposed to just be us and parents as we didnt want to make a big deal over it. As far as we are concerned the Saturday is our wedding day.

Hurmf · 21-02-2013 12:03PM

Maybe she or the husband got invited to another wedding on the same day & she prefers to or has to attend it (could be husbands family) & she didn't want to tell the op

Corkbah · 21-02-2013 03:17PM

loveisdivine wrote: »

The day will go on without them. But I will notice them not being there. Its a small wedding and I was looking forward to enjoying the night with them too. Not dancing with my sister at my wedding reception will feel strange.
.

Sadderday wrote: »

I agree and also - Corkbadh mentioned 'i'll send out invites and those that can't make it - it's their loss'

Thats bridezilla right there... if someone does not want to go -THEIR LOSS,

If someone CANNOT go - give them the benefit of the doubt, it's your day, not theirs... hardly anyone else's loss if they cant make it is it, come on now.....

please Sadderday ...explain the difference between the two highlighted posts ...I dont see my comment as being Bridezilla at all ...its simply a case of, if they cant make it... thats their business, I'll be getting on with my wedding ...ie. the day will go on without them !!

Are you calling the OP a bridezilla too ?

Sadderday · 21-02-2013 03:21PM

The OP has not made such a negative comment on someone not being able to make it to their wedding.

It's not their loss Corkbah if they can't make it. Thats a rude comment to make about those invited that cannot attend.

The day will go on, but it seems like you have a negative somewhat 'fcuk them' mentality about those that just cannot make it. If they cant make, they just cant make it, it doesn't have to be anybodys loss.

It doesn't seem right to me to make such a negative statement about those you would wish to have at your wedding.

Corkbah · 21-02-2013 03:28PM

so ... you don't see any similarities between the highlighted posts ?

and you dont want to respond to the question asking if you are calling the OP a bridezilla, I have asked you and you avoid the question and attack me saying that I'm taking a "fcuk them" mentality to it.

if someone cannot attend my wedding I'm not going to get hung up on it, its their decision not to attend and our celebrations will go on without them ...ergo... a "the day will go on without them" attitude ...which is the same as the OP (you still calling me a Bridezilla ?...and the OP ?)

the fact that guests were invited shows we want them to attend (given the costs involved we have had to cut numbers already ... I've cut ALL cousins in favour of friends so I've cut around 40 people from my side of the invitees) - if they cannot make it or choose not to go.... there's nothing I can do and nothing I'm willing to do to facilitate them, my(our) day will go ahead and we will celebrate our marriage - its that simple really.

Sadderday · 21-02-2013 03:39PM

I said it at the start of the thread that the OP does not come across as a bridezilla... sure scroll back and see. You need to take a chill pill.

I'm not attacking you and your way of thinking but you are coming across as argumentative and a little rude.

All this time reading this thread (check back) I have been as open minded and some of your points I actually agree with... But you are hell bent on having your way evident in your very 1st post.

You quoted on my post:

'The highlighted point above I have an issue with .... we will be inviting people from USA, Canada, England, Belgium, France, Italy and many different parts of the country to our wedding....if people cannot afford to attend thats their problem, not ours !! No way are we assisting various relations to attend our wedding - they have been told many months in advance of the wedding where and when its on so its upto them to figure out their finances and either choose to attend or not.

Some relations simply cant make it due to mobility/old age issues (in their 90's and living in a home) - should we move our wedding closer to them to accomodate them ??

A wedding is a celebration of a marriage - relations, family, friends are invited to celebrate, they do not have to ...but the fact they are given an invite suggests they were thought of.

as regards the OP ... I'd be pi$$ed and would ask the bridesmaid (sister) if everything is ok ?'

Beginning a response to my post wiht 'I have an issue with this....' just shows that your going be difficult on this thread. Noone else had posted in such a manner. We werent trying to outdo each other, just offer advice based on our experiences to the OP, so I don't know what your problem is exactly. Re read your post & try post something useful and dignified instead of defensive.

With all due respect we are becoming increasingly agro with each other, so I'm going to make an effort to agree to disagree with you in order to put an end to it. Up to you.

Hoop66 · 21-02-2013 03:42PM

I notice, OP, that you use the word "handfasting". Does this mean that you're having a Wiccan wedding? If so, is your sister also Wiccan, or is there a possibility that she is put off by an "alternative" ceremony?

I shoudl point out that I'm not against alternative ceremonies at all, all for them in fact!

westies4ever · 21-02-2013 03:50PM

Corkbah wrote: »

do you think the bride and groom should pay for guests to travel from overseas ?

have you ever paid for a wedding ? I can only speak for my own circumstances and our wedding is expensive enough without having to pay or part pay for guests.

hotel alone for 100 people is around €8K ...and thats just the meal !!

I think if its improtant enough to have some one there and they cant afford it, I'd certainly offer to help. I dont think thats the issue for OP, she already said that shes subsidising accomodation for her sister. I suspect money isnt the issue here.

Yes i'm married seven years now. I spent about €1k on my wedding including a bbq in my parents back garden for family and friends. Asked people not to give presents. Being married was important to me and not the wedding day. A wedding can be as cheap or expensive as you want it to be.

I dont meant to be blunt but your posts are coming across as pretty pushy.

loveisdivine · 21-02-2013 03:53PM

Perhaps I should have left the word 'bridezilla' out of my original post!

Hoop- it is an alternative wedding but I am not Wiccan and neither is the sis. She would be into "alternative" stuff too though so shouldn't be an issue.

Today I have spoken to our dad to let him know the situation, as her decision does have some bearing on his plans too.
He's as dumbfounded as I am to be honest.
We're going to leave it a week or so and then he will approach the subject with her. See if she will give him any more info as to what's going on.

Corkbah · 21-02-2013 03:53PM

I'm annoyed by your calling me a bridezilla .... when my opinion is very similar to the OP.

your initial post that caused my response said that the OP should pay(subsidise) the guest (bridesmaid and her family) because they were travelling from abroad and had indicated they had financial issues.... I responded by disagreeing with your opinion to offer to pay (subsidise) the guests travelling from abroad.

yet you saw it clear to call me a "Bridezilla" because I wont pay for guests who cannot afford or choose not to attend our wedding...as I have said in my earlier posts, if guests choose or cannot attend for whatever reason - its their loss , the party will go on without them, I'm not going to get worked up over a non-attendance.

In regards to elderly grandparents who are unable to attend we have provisionally agreed that should they still be alive at the time of our wedding that we will make the effort to see them the following day - which means making a 300-350km round trip in one day.

you have repeatedly avoided the question that I've asked your opinion is that my post was "bridezilla-ish" but yet when I point out that its the same opinion as the OP you try to roll back and say you weren't calling the OP a bridezilla !!

you have offended me by calling me a bridezilla - which is why I have repeatedly responded in this thread....personally I have no issue with you but your comments are hurtful as I cannot see a difference between the attitude that I'm taking and that of the OP - I asked you can you see a similarity between our attitudes and you ignore my question !

reprazant · 21-02-2013 04:01PM

westies4ever wrote: »

I used the term 'bridezilla' as the intial paragraph of corkbadh's post comes across as a bit aggressive IMHO. Sick of this 'its all about me' crap over wedding days; have had my fill of them tbh. Im just giving an opinion, no need to call me a bitch.

In all fairness, you can't complain about someone giving an opinion you don't agree with and then complain about that person giving their opinion on what you wrote.

westies4ever · 21-02-2013 04:06PM

reprazant wrote: »

In all fairness, you can't complain about someone giving an opinion you don't agree with and then complain about that person giving their opinion on what you wrote.

I'm not complaining

Sadderday · 21-02-2013 04:08PM

Corkbah wrote: »

I'm annoyed by your calling me a bridezilla .... when my opinion is very similar to the OP.

your initial post that caused my response said that the OP should pay(subsidise) the guest (bridesmaid and her family) because they were travelling from abroad and had indicated they had financial issues.... I responded by disagreeing with your opinion to offer to pay (subsidise) the guests travelling from abroad.

yet you saw it clear to call me a "Bridezilla" because I wont pay for guests who cannot afford or choose not to attend our wedding...as I have said in my earlier posts, if guests choose or cannot attend for whatever reason - its their loss , the party will go on without them, I'm not going to get worked up over a non-attendance.

In regards to elderly grandparents who are unable to attend we have provisionally agreed that should they still be alive at the time of our wedding that we will make the effort to see them the following day - which means making a 300-350km round trip in one day.

you have repeatedly avoided the question that I've asked your opinion is that my post was "bridezilla-ish" but yet when I point out that its the same opinion as the OP you try to roll back and say you weren't calling the OP a bridezilla !!

you have offended me by calling me a bridezilla - which is why I have repeatedly responded in this thread....personally I have no issue with you but your comments are hurtful as I cannot see a difference between the attitude that I'm taking and that of the OP - I asked you can you see a similarity between our attitudes and you ignore my question !

Take a look back, it was actually a different person that had called you a bridezilla in the first instance.

I agreed after you tried to shame down my opinion on this post. it's my opinion. Differs from yours no need to start responding with your issues on my opinion.

IN MY OPINION, i would want to consider my close family/friends and their travel arrangments because as I mentioned I was bridesmaid at a wedding before out of the country and it was a major strain on my finances although I had a great day, it would have been easier with financial ease and I have learned from the experience and would like to ensure my close friends and family can attend with ease as much as possible.

I had noted this as an option for the OP since her sister cited money problems as the issue, that is all.

There is no need to get so worked up about the term bridezilla. Sure we all get called it at sum stage... and besides, you offended me when you began your response to my post with 'this is my issue' -

I don't see the similarity between you and the OP. The OP has taken all points on board without patronising the person's very first post.

To add, I think you including older members that won't make it is a good idea. Could be done after the honeymoon with pics and stuff.

reprazant · 21-02-2013 04:10PM

westies4ever wrote: »

I'm not complaining

Oh, ok sorry. I thought you were when you said this:

Im just giving an opinion, no need to call me a bitch.

Both of you gave an opinion which neither of you liked. Imo, saying someone is acting like a bridezilla is pretty much the same as saying someone is acting like a bitch.

Corkbah · 21-02-2013 04:10PM

westies4ever wrote: »

I think if its improtant enough to have some one there and they cant afford it, I'd certainly offer to help. I dont think thats the issue for OP, she already said that shes subsidising accomodation for her sister. I suspect money isnt the issue here.

Yes i'm married seven years now. I spent about €1k on my wedding including a bbq in my parents back garden for family and friends. Asked people not to give presents. Being married was important to me and not the wedding day. A wedding can be as cheap or expensive as you want it to be.

I dont meant to be blunt but your posts are coming across as pretty pushy.

Can I ask how you managed to do it so cheaply ? did you have a traditional wedding ?

Dress,
suit hire, (groom, Bestman, both dad's)
cake,
food for meal
wedding rings
photographer
cost of priest/clergyman
flowers (church, venue, bridal party, and bouquet)
notice to state (€200)
Wedding invites
and a lot of other optional extras. (like favours, videographer, car rental, RSVP Cards, Save the Date cards etc etc)

I have a big family ...my OH's family is not as big but equally as important, so guests had to be limited on my side due to numbers/cost - hotel is charging €80 per head for the meal - so that alone is costing us around €8K nevermind the many other expenses.

As regards the OP I think everyone suspects its not a money issue but my issue is the attitude that the OP should offer to pay or subsidise her travel and accomodation costs, As regards our wedding we have been looking to cut corners but simply can't as we have loads of family/friends who we want in attendance - if they can make it ... thats fine, if they can't ... it means our costs are down ...but we still celebrate with those that can make it.

Weathering · 21-02-2013 04:14PM

Soz but she's being a total b1tch babea. How about proposing that she comes over on her own r with a friend for company. If she still declines drop her

Sadderday · 21-02-2013 04:15PM

Corkbah wrote: »

Can I ask how you managed to do it so cheaply ? did you have a traditional wedding ?

Dress,
suit hire, (groom, Bestman, both dad's)
cake,
food for meal
wedding rings
photographer
cost of priest/clergyman
flowers (church, venue, bridal party, and bouquet)
notice to state (€200)
Wedding invites
and a lot of other optional extras. (like favours, videographer, car rental, RSVP Cards, Save the Date cards etc etc)

I have a big family ...my OH's family is not as big but equally as important, so guests had to be limited on my side due to numbers/cost - hotel is charging €80 per head for the meal - so that alone is costing us around €8K nevermind the many other expenses.

As regards the OP I think everyone suspects its not a money issue but my issue is the attitude that the OP should offer to pay or subsidise her travel and accomodation costs, As regards our wedding we have been looking to cut corners but simply can't as we have loads of family/friends who we want in attendance - if they can make it ... thats fine, if they can't ... it means our costs are down ...but we still celebrate with those that can make it.

NOT 'SHOULD OFFER TO PAY OR SUBSIDISE TRAVEL & ACCOMODATION>>>... BUT COULD OFFER'

It was option, advice - based on other peoples opinions and ways of life. I dont know why this has turned into an argument.

Corkbah · 21-02-2013 04:25PM

Sadderday wrote: »

Take a look back, it was actually a different person that had called you a bridezilla in the first instance.

I agreed after you tried to shame down my opinion on this post. it's my opinion. Differs from yours no need to start responding with your issues on my opinion.

westies4ever wrote: »

very 'bridezilla' post. bit scarey in fact!

Sadderday wrote: »

double that, here here

your post was the very next one - please explain to me how you agreed AFTER I tried to "shame down your opinion" and while I'm on that I didn't try to "shame down your opinion" I disagreed with your opinion and cited my reason - your opinion was to offer to pay/subsidise anyone travelling from abroad if they say they are suffering financially ... you didn't say just pay for the bridesmaid and her family you were (as I understand it) referring to anyone travelling from abroad who told you they couldn't make it due to financial reasons.

westies4ever wrote: »

I don't see the similarity between you and the OP. The OP has taken all points on board without patronising the person's very first post.
.

no offence intended to you but the wording you are using is quite derogatory - you accuse me of trying to shame down your opinion and imply that my post is patronising.

I highlighted two sentences which in my opinion are very similar one says if someone cant make it thats their loss, the other says if someone cant make it the party will go on ....not much of a difference in my opinion - they are both pretty similar.

Sadderday · 21-02-2013 04:45PM

OK, this stops here. You're dragging up sentences from posts made yesterday in order to try 'win' this argument when i told you we should agree to disagree.

Now by the sound of things you didnt try to offend me and I know that I was not intending on offending you or anyone else for that matter.

You need to realise that you came into this thread in the most impolite way. I had made a post for the OP offering thoughts, advice and opinion when you entered quoting my post and beginning wiht 'this is my issue' - it was an argumentative way to enter a thread and you hadn't explored any positivity in my post therefore making me feel that you had shot down my opinion.

In fairness, if I were planning to wed again and abroad for example I would factor my parents travel costs and hotel, my brothers and sisters and if it were possible for me to offer some kind contribution to close friends I would to. If I won the lotto of course everyone would have all expenses paid and thats what I would love but I know that is not feasible and its a bit unrealistic to assume that I had told the OP that she should pay for everyones travel when clearly that would be impossible for most working class. Im sure that your in agreement though that if your sister is bridesmaid and struggling financially (i know this is not the case here) you would consider that & try ensure the wedding runs smooth with her travel arrangements... and obviously if your parents retire in spain and are coming back for your wedding day as they are your parents you will ensure that they have a nice room and you would most likely look after their flights (rather than them forking out of their pension)

Thats all I had in mind when writing earlier. I should have taken time to word it better.

I dont think its fair on the OP to hijack this thread with our disagreement - therefore I think we should leave it here.

westies4ever · 21-02-2013 04:48PM

im out of here as well - there is a quote in corkbadhs last post attributed to me that I didnt even write!

Sadderday · 21-02-2013 05:03PM

westies4ever wrote: »

im out of here as well - there is a quote in corkbadhs last post attributed to me that I didnt even write!

Sorry, that was actually a highlight from one of my posts.

michellie · 21-02-2013 05:11PM

My boyfriends only brother got married in america, our 2 year old daughter was flower girl. It cost us a bloody fortune over €1500 in flights and another €800 accomodation.

But it was his brother, we had to do it. We had a lovely time, unfortunatly the marraige hasnt lasted.

loveisdivine · 21-02-2013 06:27PM

michellie wrote: »

My boyfriends only brother got married in america, our 2 year old daughter was flower girl. It cost us a bloody fortune over €1500 in flights and another €800 accomodation.

But it was his brother, we had to do it. We had a lovely time, unfortunatly the marraige hasnt lasted.

Believe me I understand the cost factor. I mean my BIL to be and his wife and child are coming from Canada! But there are 3 brothers and they have all paid their own travel expenses to attend each others wedding, so they dont mind paying to come to ours.

Id love to offer to subsidise her travel costs but I cant just magic the money from nowhere. We have already cut corners, like not having a professional photographer. No professional make up and hair etc.
We also tried to go with a venue that has good value accommodation.

On top of all of that I really dont think money is the actual issue.

Hopefully my dad will be able to dig a little deeper and see what the issue really is. If they simply dont want to come then fine. I wouldnt really understand that but I cant force them to come.

Toots · 21-02-2013 07:53PM

Enough of the bickering already. Keep the thread on topic.

My sister (also bridesmaid) decides she cant afford to come to our wedding.

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