My sister (also bridesmaid) decides she cant afford to come to our wedding.

loveisdivine · 20-02-2013 03:07PM #1

Apologies in advance if this is a little long. I just wanted to get some opinions on this.

So were getting married September this year. My sister and her family have known about the wedding for at least a year at this stage.
My sister is my bridesmaid, my 2 niece's are flower girls and my nephew and brother in law will be there too. They live in England, as do the rest of my family.

About 3 months ago she started making comments about how much its going to cost for the 5 of them to come over for the wedding. She wanted to get the ferry but apparently its too much, so they were going to fly.

Well today I got a text to say that the family member who usually looks after their dogs cant do it this time, so they are going to have to pay for kennels now too.
I replied saying that the venue welcomes pets, so they could always bring them along. She brushed that idea off.

She then went on to tell me how its going to cost them £1200 to attend the wedding and listed all the things they would have to pay for.

So me trying not to put pressure on her said that if it was going to be too much they could just come to the civil ceremony (being held a few days before our handfasting). I thought it might somehow work out cheaper for them.
She said she will look into it.

To be honest I'm really disappointed. She's my only sibling and we were very close growing up, right up until I moved here. It wont be the same without them there on the day. But I also dont want to put pressure on them.

Also, I'm a bit annoyed. Her main reason for not coming is money. I find this hard to believe as they are quite well off. They bought a motorhome recently that cost tens of thousands of pounds and a puppy that cost them 2k.
I know its their money and they can do whatever they want with it and they dont have to answer to me.
But it is my wedding and they have had well over a year to save for it.

Am I being a bridezilla by getting annoyed by this?

D3PO · 20-02-2013 03:20PM

i think your right to be annoyed to be honest.

Moneys tight for everybody but i mean could your sister not come over on her own ? What 50 quid return for a flight maybe as shes the birdesmaid im sure her dress, makeup and hair are being paid by you. Im sure theres an option of staying in somebodies house if your reception is clsoe to where oy ulive or a cheap b&b for maybe 30 quid a night.

she could come over for less than 150 euro if she wanted to.

Nobody knows other peopls personal circumstances in terms of finance but if there shelling out 2 grand on a dog then its fair game to be miffed at the i cant come its too expensive excuse.

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 03:28PM

in my opinion (and I dont mean to sound horrible) - but it's your wedding and it's between you and your partner.

If you expect anyone to travel a distance (fly,ferry for example) in my opinion you should subsidise (spelt wrong) her travel costs.

I believe that when your a bridesmaid you cant exactly leave the wedding venue like the guests and head home, the wedding party normally meet for breakfast the next morning and help the bride get organised etc so the bridesmaids rooms, extensive travel etc should be considered.

It's lovely that your getting hitched - congratulations.. but I was a bridesmaid, had to travel to another country etc by the time I added everything up I was absolutely skint and I did try save for it but life throws expenses all the time that we dont expect.

If you really want someone there, you have to consider it as an option.

I won't get married for example, and expect family to fork out. I'll do my best to make sure it's not too expensive to join the happy time and everyone can be relaxed and enjoy.

Cushie Butterfield · 20-02-2013 03:29PM

Just tell her that you understand completely & that it's perfectly fine with you if she comes by herself. The money you 'll save with three less guests would actually pay for her flight, so you could offer to do that. Get someone else's kids as flowergirls.

loveisdivine · 20-02-2013 03:34PM

Well it wouldnt cost much for just her to come, the venue has accommodation and its only €38 per person. I cant see it happening though. She doesnt really like to leave her husband to look after all the kids on his own for long.

I think really she doesnt want to come. I think the money thing is just an excuse. I dont know why she wouldnt want to come though.

She at least could have said something sooner. We already went bridesmaid dress shopping togerther and bought dresses for her and my other bridesmaid.

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 03:34PM

your not a bridezilla by the way !!!

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 03:39PM

loveisdivine wrote: »

Well it wouldnt cost much for just her to come, the venue has accommodation and its only €38 per person. I cant see it happening though. She doesnt really like to leave her husband to look after all the kids on his own for long.

I think really she doesnt want to come. I think the money thing is just an excuse. I dont know why she wouldnt want to come though.

She at least could have said something sooner. We already went bridesmaid dress shopping togerther and bought dresses for her and my other bridesmaid.

Why don't you ask her outright? tell her you don't think it's the money... be honest, ask if everything is ok. she may have alot on her mind, something may be up? or she may be just genuinely not up for it? ask her in the nicest way when she has time to talk. If she insists on the cash and you don't have to lend/give theres not alot you can do.

Just enjoy your day - thats the main thing.

pooch90 · 20-02-2013 03:40PM

Sadderday, I don't think it's too much to expect your sister to attend your wedding!
If my sister was getting married, I'd go to the ends of the earth to be there, especially if it was just the 2 of us in the family.
I'd go ballistic!

loveisdivine · 20-02-2013 03:40PM

I understand its a lot of money for people to spend. I also understand if some people cant make it for money reasons. Its different because its my sister though. And because she's only saying it now, after we have bought her dress and my neice's are excited to be flower girls.

I wouldnt have anyone else's kids as flower girls. Its not really a traditional wedding and I was only having flower girls because I wanted them to be involved somehow.

Unfortunately as literally all of my family live in England I can't afford to subsidise all their travel and it would be unfair to pay for some people and not others.

loveisdivine · 20-02-2013 03:44PM

Sadderday wrote: »

Why don't you ask her outright? tell her you don't think it's the money... be honest, ask if everything is ok. she may have alot on her mind, something may be up? or she may be just genuinely not up for it? ask her in the nicest way when she has time to talk. If she insists on the cash and you don't have to lend/give theres not alot you can do.

Just enjoy your day - thats the main thing.[/QUOTE

Yes it might be a good idea to ask. I only received these texts this morning so I will give it a few days to see what the outcome is of them possibly attending the civil ceremony instead. If she says no to that too then I will see if something else is up.

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 03:46PM

pooch90 wrote: »

Sadderday, I don't think it's too much to expect your sister to attend your wedding!
If my sister was getting married, I'd go to the ends of the earth to be there, especially if it was just the 2 of us in the family.
I'd go ballistic!

As would I!!, But I would not expect my sister to fork out and revolve holidays, kids, planning etc around a big day that I chose to have,
you invite people and if they want to be there they will. You should never expect too much from a sibling- everyone has their lives & everything that goes with it. Fair enough it would be lovely for all you love to attend but if your getting married that cannot be allowed impact on your day.
Would you really want someone sitting there on your special day if they just do not want to be there??

You cannot be angry for anyone not being able to make it to the day, thats not a positive view of your wedding day, thats not what it's about.

eviltwin · 20-02-2013 03:46PM

Its odd someone would just change their mind so suddenly like this. Is this out of character for her? Could there be something going on in her personal life that means she can't or won't go? I think you need to have a chat, leave emotion out of it if you can and ask her.

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 03:47PM

loveisdivine - look something is up... you got dresses together and all. you need to talk to her. good luck.

Beruthiel · 20-02-2013 03:49PM

loveisdivine wrote: »

Also, I'm a bit annoyed. Her main reason for not coming is money.

I wouldn't expect anyone to travel to my wedding if they couldn't afford it.
Sure, I would invite them, but, if they said they couldn't afford it, then that would be fine and the end of it.
I certainly would not expect them to jump through hoops for me.
She should want to come of her own accord, even if it meant coming alone. She doesn't want to or she would have suggested that option herself.

So, if she cannot come, ask her to confirm that as you will need to find another bridesmaid.
Don't loose any sleep over it.
It's really no big deal.

crusher000 · 20-02-2013 03:52PM

Is there someone she dis likes ? Tell her you picked them instead for brides maid and see how quickly see comes over. (messing by the way).

You said they had a motor home. Could they not all pack into it and the dog and come over by ferry. Can't be that expensive otherwise let her come on her own. 3 days is the most she'd be gone the husband can't be that helpless.

Babooshka · 20-02-2013 03:56PM

Sadderday wrote: »

in my opinion (and I dont mean to sound horrible) - but it's your wedding and it's between you and your partner.

If you expect anyone to travel a distance (fly,ferry for example) in my opinion you should subsidise (spelt wrong) her travel costs.

I believe that when your a bridesmaid you cant exactly leave the wedding venue like the guests and head home, the wedding party normally meet for breakfast the next morning and help the bride get organised etc so the bridesmaids rooms, extensive travel etc should be considered.

It's lovely that your getting hitched - congratulations.. but I was a bridesmaid, had to travel to another country etc by the time I added everything up I was absolutely skint and I did try save for it but life throws expenses all the time that we dont expect.

If you really want someone there, you have to consider it as an option.

I won't get married for example, and expect family to fork out. I'll do my best to make sure it's not too expensive to join the happy time and everyone can be relaxed and enjoy.

I agree that it's expensive, but this is family...who have had so much notice that, to be honest, I'd be very annoyed too, if they started backing out closer to the date. It's a bit of a non excuse if they're not suddenly financially impacted upon like losing jobs or something. You only have one family, if you can't be there for them when they're getting married then there are issues to be honest...how often do you ask family members to fork out in your honour in life apart from your wedding. Obviously paying for the dress and other items and even contributing to one night's accom wouldn't be out of order, but in the main, it isn't asking too much, just once in life to ask people to spend some money, I am sure enough people/family have asked the OP to weddings and she has paid out a lot of money to attend in the past too.

loveisdivine wrote: »

Well it wouldnt cost much for just her to come, the venue has accommodation and its only €38 per person. I cant see it happening though. She doesnt really like to leave her husband to look after all the kids on his own for long.

I think really she doesnt want to come. I think the money thing is just an excuse. I dont know why she wouldnt want to come though.

She at least could have said something sooner. We already went bridesmaid dress shopping togerther and bought dresses for her and my other bridesmaid.

That is very cheap accommodation....I'd be as p'd off as you are too. Have you offered to subsidise any accommodation for her on her own, and, as someone else said, get other kids as pageboys etc... I think it's fair enough to be a bit peeved, they had plenty of forewarning, and telling you how expensive it all is, when she is a bridesmaid, is not on. You are getting married and have enough to be wprrying about without the guilt trip too. Fair enough if you'd sprung it on her with three months to the wedding but you didn't. Don't get me wrong, I know stuff happens in life that people can't control, but it isn't bride-zillla-ish to expect your nearest and dearest to come to your wedding and happily do so providing it isn't costing them the earth and it sounds to me like you made sure it wouldn't cost the earth...so, no, you're not being unreasonable at all.

Corkbah · 20-02-2013 03:56PM

Sadderday wrote: »

in my opinion (and I dont mean to sound horrible) - but it's your wedding and it's between you and your partner.

If you expect anyone to travel a distance (fly,ferry for example) in my opinion you should subsidise (spelt wrong) her travel costs.

I believe that when your a bridesmaid you cant exactly leave the wedding venue like the guests and head home, the wedding party normally meet for breakfast the next morning and help the bride get organised etc so the bridesmaids rooms, extensive travel etc should be considered.

It's lovely that your getting hitched - congratulations.. but I was a bridesmaid, had to travel to another country etc by the time I added everything up I was absolutely skint and I did try save for it but life throws expenses all the time that we dont expect.

If you really want someone there, you have to consider it as an option.

I won't get married for example, and expect family to fork out. I'll do my best to make sure it's not too expensive to join the happy time and everyone can be relaxed and enjoy.

The highlighted point above I have an issue with .... we will be inviting people from USA, Canada, England, Belgium, France, Italy and many different parts of the country to our wedding....if people cannot afford to attend thats their problem, not ours !! No way are we assisting various relations to attend our wedding - they have been told many months in advance of the wedding where and when its on so its upto them to figure out their finances and either choose to attend or not.

Some relations simply cant make it due to mobility/old age issues (in their 90's and living in a home) - should we move our wedding closer to them to accomodate them ??

A wedding is a celebration of a marriage - relations, family, friends are invited to celebrate, they do not have to ...but the fact they are given an invite suggests they were thought of.

as regards the OP ... I'd be pi$$ed and would ask the bridesmaid (sister) if everything is ok ? most people make the effort if they can, but there must be other issues in the background here - something which she may not want to discuss with you - but no harm in asking.

maybe she is annoyed at not being "maid of honour/chief bridesmaid" or does not get along with another bridesmaid etc etc ...

is she able to make the hen celebrations ?

D3PO · 20-02-2013 04:04PM

Saaderday and others who say dont get annoyed if somebody cant travel from abroad due to cost, I agree in general BUT this is an exception to the rule.

Saying you cant afford it is a reasonable reason fair enough, but saying you cant afford it after shelling out on a new motor home and 2 grand on a dog when you only live in engalnd quite simply is BS (again assuming no recent big life changes like a redundancy etc)

The OP's sister is basically saying Im happy to shell out 2 grand on a dog but Im not assed spending a few hundred quid to go to your wedding. When somebody puts a dog before their sister theres something seriously wrong with the situation.

loveisdivine · 20-02-2013 04:05PM

Thanks for all the replies.

It isnt totally out of character as such. She does have a tendency to make excuses not to attend family events sometimes. But not normally something this 'big'. If its not something thats directly for her, the husband and the kids then she will often say they cant afford it.

But shes been helping me plan this for months now. Discussing dress options for the girls, talking about a hen night, buying a bridesmaid dress. So its thrown me that suddenly its too expensive.

I'm traveling over to England for a bit of hen night, just a few of us out for dinner. Its not set in stone yet. I'm sure she would still attend that.

We have always been very close. Best friends. We went through a lot together with my mother which created quite a bond.

Theres only one reason I can think of why she wouldnt go and thats because she possibly feels awkward becuase I havent invited my mother, because I no longer really talk to her. But my sister does. So maybe she feels uncomfortable because of that?

Edit - forgot to say, her initial plan was for them all to come over in their new motor home. but apparently that also was going to be too expensive because of the cost of the ferry and then paying for a campsite with electric hook up for a couple of nights.

D3PO · 20-02-2013 04:14PM

loveisdivine wrote: »

We have always been very close. Best friends. We went through a lot together with my mother which created quite a bond.

Theres only one reason I can think of why she wouldnt go and thats because she possibly feels awkward becuase I havent invited my mother, because I no longer really talk to her. But my sister does. So maybe she feels uncomfortable because of that?

.

Really should have mentioned this earlier as this may very well be the issue. You absolutly need to talk to her in a non agressive manner and get to the bottom of it as the cannot afford thing based on what you ahve said jsut doesnt hold any weight.

loveisdivine · 20-02-2013 04:18PM

I didnt mention it because she's always been very matter of fact about how she completely understands why I didnt invite her. She supported me in my decision not to invite her.

So if she had an issue with it I would have thought she would have said so, instead of saying that she didnt.

The reason I said it could be that, is because i can literally think of nothing else.

I'm gonna have to ask her and see.

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 04:19PM

Corkbah wrote: »

The highlighted point above I have an issue with .... we will be inviting people from USA, Canada, England, Belgium, France, Italy and many different parts of the country to our wedding....if people cannot afford to attend thats their problem, not ours !! No way are we assisting various relations to attend our wedding - they have been told many months in advance of the wedding where and when its on so its upto them to figure out their finances and either choose to attend or not.

Some relations simply cant make it due to mobility/old age issues (in their 90's and living in a home) - should we move our wedding closer to them to accomodate them ??

A wedding is a celebration of a marriage - relations, family, friends are invited to celebrate, they do not have to ...but the fact they are given an invite suggests they were thought of.

as regards the OP ... I'd be pi$$ed and would ask the bridesmaid (sister) if everything is ok ? most people make the effort if they can, but there must be other issues in the background here - something which she may not want to discuss with you - but no harm in asking.

maybe she is annoyed at not being "maid of honour/chief bridesmaid" or does not get along with another bridesmaid etc etc ...

is she able to make the hen celebrations ?

This is your point:
they have been told many months in advance of the wedding where and when its on so its upto them to figure out their finances and either choose to attend or not.

So if they choose not to, the suffer your rath is that it?

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 04:21PM

D3PO wrote: »

Really should have mentioned this earlier as this may very well be the issue. You absolutly need to talk to her in a non agressive manner and get to the bottom of it as the cannot afford thing based on what you ahve said jsut doesnt hold any weight.

I would consider this an issue yes. Discuss it with her.

westies4ever · 20-02-2013 04:23PM

Corkbah wrote: »

The highlighted point above I have an issue with .... we will be inviting people from USA, Canada, England, Belgium, France, Italy and many different parts of the country to our wedding....if people cannot afford to attend thats their problem, not ours !! No way are we assisting various relations to attend our wedding - they have been told many months in advance of the wedding where and when its on so its upto them to figure out their finances and either choose to attend or not.

Some relations simply cant make it due to mobility/old age issues (in their 90's and living in a home) - should we move our wedding closer to them to accomodate them ??

A wedding is a celebration of a marriage - relations, family, friends are invited to celebrate, they do not have to ...but the fact they are given an invite suggests they were thought of.

as regards the OP ... I'd be pi$$ed and would ask the bridesmaid (sister) if everything is ok ? most people make the effort if they can, but there must be other issues in the background here - something which she may not want to discuss with you - but no harm in asking.

maybe she is annoyed at not being "maid of honour/chief bridesmaid" or does not get along with another bridesmaid etc etc ...

is she able to make the hen celebrations ?

very 'bridezilla' post. bit scarey in fact!

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 04:24PM

westies4ever wrote: »

very 'bridezilla' post. bit scarey in fact!

double that, here here

loveisdivine · 20-02-2013 04:28PM

Ok so i just spoke to her there.
I asked her directly if there was anything other reason why they might not attend and is it because of me not inviting my mum.
She replied "No not at all, so stop stressing"

solerina · 20-02-2013 04:29PM

I think she is being rediculous..if they can afford a fancy motor home and a 2k puppy then they can afford to come to the wedding...your right to be annoyed OP in my opinion and your not being a bridezilla !!!

Corkbah · 20-02-2013 04:42PM

Sadderday wrote: »

This is your point:
they have been told many months in advance of the wedding where and when its on so its upto them to figure out their finances and either choose to attend or not.

So if they choose not to, the suffer your rath is that it?

no, if they choose not to attend ... they don't attend .... they miss out on the celebrations.

I'm not going to pay for someone to attend my wedding (apart from the best man/bridesmaid and both sets of parents) .... A wedding is expensive enough without having to part-pay your guests to attend.

as regards the elderly/less mobile people mentioned above - we discussed the idea of travelling to them the following day (its approx 350miles of a round trip) ...just so we can share the day with them - but they are an exception as they are in early/mid 90's and would love to attend but may physically not be able to.

Corkbah · 20-02-2013 04:45PM

westies4ever wrote: »

very 'bridezilla' post. bit scarey in fact!

do you think the bride and groom should pay for guests to travel from overseas ?

have you ever paid for a wedding ? I can only speak for my own circumstances and our wedding is expensive enough without having to pay or part pay for guests.

hotel alone for 100 people is around €8K ...and thats just the meal !!

D3PO · 20-02-2013 04:53PM

Sadderday wrote: »

This is your point:
they have been told many months in advance of the wedding where and when its on so its upto them to figure out their finances and either choose to attend or not.

So if they choose not to, the suffer your rath is that it?

I dont think thats a fair comparrison. The OP's sister has shelled out thousands and thousands on luxury items recently. Essentially saying that her sisters wedding isnt as important as trivial things.

Thats far removed than the OP' sister cannot go because of serious financial pressure due to sickness, unemployment etc.

If an Uncle or Aunt cant go fair enough, but a sibling in England who has spent a fortune on non essential items using the I cant afford it card is unreasonable.

At least the sister should have the balls to actually say I dont want to come Im just not bothered instead of hiding behind a wall of crap. Personally Id be more pissed off about being lied to than them not actually attending.

Sadderday · 20-02-2013 05:00PM

Corkbah wrote: »

no, if they choose not to attend ... they don't attend .... they miss out on the celebrations.

I'm not going to pay for someone to attend my wedding (apart from the best man/bridesmaid and both sets of parents) .... A wedding is expensive enough without having to part-pay your guests to attend.

as regards the elderly/less mobile people mentioned above - we discussed the idea of travelling to them the following day (its approx 350miles of a round trip) ...just so we can share the day with them - but they are an exception as they are in early/mid 90's and would love to attend but may physically not be able to.

Her sister is her bridesmaid. That was my point when I mentioned subsidising it. You arent going to fork out for every single person attending. but when your bridesmaid sister says she cannot afford it, you would most likely cover her costs and that of the flower girls etc etc

My sister (also bridesmaid) decides she cant afford to come to our wedding.

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