Were You Afraid Of Your Parents?

Gee_G · 10-02-2013 06:45PM

As someone above said,the threat of the wooden spoon was enough for us most of the time!
My poor mother could have shouted until she was blue in the face but we knew we were in trouble when Dad was called! he very rarely even raised his voice to any of us but my god, if he ever did, that was enough to have us in tears!
We're all the best of friends now

10-02-2013 06:46PM

kfallon wrote: »

My Da did it to me a few times (prob no more than 3 or 4) when I was younger, the man was not a lazy parent, far from it in fact and I kinda resent your sweeping generalisations about people you know nothing about. was doing the 'bold' thing I was doing. It taught me right from wrong

Actually, I take that back, it's lazy parenting - as opposed to only done by lazy parents. There are lazy parents who don't smack too. The act of hitting a child because they couldn't be bothered dealing with the behavior, is lazy.

A man possibly four times your size thought it was OK to inflict violence on you. That's not right.

My name is URL · 10-02-2013 06:47PM

MCMLXXV wrote: »

I'm not condoning corporal punishment or child abuse but IMO it a lot of kids could benefit from a smack or two to keep them in line.

The problem is that too many people see that as license to abuse their bestowed right. I grew up in a very rough estate and know that when the wider society accepts something as normal, less people are likely to be concerned about others going too far.

My own opinion is that hitting a child is bad.. not because most people are bad; but because most people are less likely to see harm when something is widely accepted.

Rasheed · 10-02-2013 06:54PM

whoopsadaisydoodles wrote: »

That's my point though, it shouldn't take a smack. It's lazy parenting. If it worked, you'd only have to do it once, but that's not what happens.

In my experience, the definition of lazy parenting is giving in. Letting them have another biscuit, that packet of sweets at the till. That's when the rot sets in and that child grows up being spoilt and unafraid of consequences.

I can remember getting a smack on the arse twice (my brothers got more). It was usually the threat that worked though. It worked for us. We needed that bit of fear, not to be talked to or put in a corner. They're were 6 of us, more including neighbours running wild on big farms, in forests and bogs. The bolloxing we done was unreal. But more importantly, the messing we could have done, if not for the fear and humiliation of a slap, was huge too. It worked for us, but I you shouldn't call parents lazy for putting manners on us a different way than you had. Lazy is no manners at all.

Big Nasty · 10-02-2013 06:58PM

My name is URL wrote: »

The problem is that too many people see that as license to abuse their bestowed right. I grew up in a very rough estate and know that when the wider society accepts something as normal, less people are likely to be concerned about others going too far.

My own opinion is that hitting a child is bad.. not because most people are bad; but because most people are less likely to see harm when something is widely accepted.

Hitting a child is wrong for sure but if a child is acting up and ignoring repeated warnings and alternative punishments how else can you escalate the situation?

As a child I was very rarely smacked but the fear of it happening kept me in check and I feel I am the better person for it now.

kfallon · 10-02-2013 07:00PM

Deleted User wrote: »

Actually, I take that back, it's lazy parenting - as opposed to only done by lazy parents. There are lazy parents who don't smack too. The act of hitting a child because they couldn't be bothered dealing with the behavior, is lazy.

A man possibly four times your size thought it was OK to inflict violence on you. That's not right.

A man nearly 20 times the size of me decided to give me a life when nobody wanted me, he didn't have to but he did! He then proceeded to work his hole off to put me through school and ensure his 4 children had a good quality of life and both my parents were supportive of us in everything we wanted to do. I was also taught never to pass judgement on someone I never knew.

I wouldn't call that lazy parents or lazy parenting. My parents are my heroes, without them I have absolutely no idea where I would have ended up or how my life would have turned out. I hit the jackpot the day they took me home and I resent anyone trying to label them lazy. My last post on it cos I've no intention on having an argument with someone on the internet about the merits of my folks.

As with most things on internet forums, we'll agree to disagree

Rasheed · 10-02-2013 07:02PM

My name is URL wrote: »

The problem is that too many people see that as license to abuse their bestowed right. I grew up in a very rough estate and know that when the wider society accepts something as normal, less people are likely to be concerned about others going too far.

My own opinion is that hitting a child is bad.. not because most people are bad; but because most people are less likely to see harm when something is widely accepted.

Ah come on, there's a difference between hitting a child and a smack on the back of the legs.

wolfpawnat · 10-02-2013 07:09PM

As a child I remember throwing the mother of all temper tantrums, I was eight and went into a right huff. I got 6 lashes across the arse with a huge spatula, no force spared. Straightened me out to be frank. Sister was a few years younger than me, got nowhere near the same treatment. Guess which one of us turned out to be the more troublesome one, not me!!!!. My father didn't raise a hand to us, but he went through with any threat he made to take stuff off us.

As a mother I am seen by other parents in toddler groups as cruel. If my son misbehaves I take toys and sweets away, on occasion I will just put him in his buggy and walk out of a place and straight home, I allow him scream and don't buckle to his demands, if he says "I want" the answer he gets before the sentence is even finished "I want gets nothing." The result, please and thank you are used when he requests and gets something, "Please may I have" is what gets something. He says excuse me if he has to interrupt a conversation. So I am the cruel one, while their brats are horrible and mine more often than not gets compliments for being well behaved. Still nowhere near the discipline we got though, so he still has quite the cheeky streak.

Big Nasty · 10-02-2013 07:10PM

Rasheed wrote: »

Ah come on, there's a difference between hitting a child and a smack on the back of the legs.

And there's too many people that think a smack on the back of the legs is child abuse.

My name is URL · 10-02-2013 07:12PM

MCMLXXV wrote: »

Hitting a child is wrong for sure but if a child is acting up and ignoring repeated warnings and alternative punishments how else can you escalate the situation?

As a child I was very rarely smacked but the fear of it happening kept me in check and I feel I am the better person for it now.

If an adult is acting up or ignoring warnings should they be smacked too? Who defines what the acceptable level of belligerence is before you hit someone... or what the acceptable level of force / violence is when you do so?

People wouldn't get away with battering someone their own age because they were belligerent.. it should never be an excuse for hitting a child. Just my own opinion... and I'm not at all opposed to good parents using good judgement... just opposed to enabling some to do so through laws which should protect the integrity of kids rather than allow for others to remove that integrity.

Madam · 10-02-2013 07:17PM

My dad was a pussycat(never smacked any of us - four brothers and me), my mum for such a small woman had a real knack for that smack across the back of your knees you wouldn't believe who sore it was and how quickly it was done:eek:

Big Nasty · 10-02-2013 07:20PM

My name is URL wrote: »

If an adult is acting up or ignoring warnings should they be smacked too? Who defines what the acceptable level of belligerence is before you hit someone... or what the acceptable level of force / violence is when you do so?

People wouldn't get away with battering someone their own age because they were belligerent.. it should never be an excuse for hitting a child. Just my own opinion... and I'm not at all opposed to good parents using good judgement... just opposed to enabling some to do so through laws which should protect the integrity of kids rather than allow for others to remove that integrity.

Since when is a smack on the back of the legs battering?

Also if you have a child it is your responsibility to teach them right from wrong and good manners. It is not your responsibility to teach an adult on the street right from wrong - if they've grown up to be a scrote that's their parents fault IMO, not mine.

Scruffles · 10-02-2013 07:28PM

it really depends on the child whether a smack actualy works, those of us with classic autism; or intelectual disability [aka learning disability here] do not have the capacity to understand the association and why its being used.
was beaten every day by dad with his fists,slippers,hardback books,belts etc as his way of controling behavior and difficulties of mine but the only thing it ever created was to have no relationship with him what soever,we lived in the same house but was not aware of him and never recognised him as a dad until in twenties,the only time he interacted was to use his fists.mum had self medicated with alcohol when was a toddler as she coudnt cope and she had been blamed by the doctors for causing the disabilities so she never spoke to anyone for help, was neglected and felt totaly hated,more so by dad as mum never ever hit when not drunk.
didnt find out until diagnosed with it in twenties but as a toddler the neglect and lack of attachment with dad; and daily onslaught of physical abuse had triggered a lifelong severe condition called reactive attachment disorder.

some people really do think hitting does no harm because it done them no harm but not everyone has the same mentality to understand or deal with it.
there is much better ways of dealing with childrens behaviors now,jo whatshername from supernanny has shown some good ones on her 'extreme parenting' shows.

baaah · 10-02-2013 07:33PM

Madam wrote: »

My dad was a pussycat(never smacked any of us - four brothers and me), my mum for such a small woman had a real knack for that smack across the back of your knees you wouldn't believe who sore it was and how quickly it was done:eek:

You could be almost describing my situation ...small mam, soft dad! A little tap of the wooden spoon on the bottom administered by mum followed by a stern look from dad was enough to bring us back into line :-)

Rasheed · 10-02-2013 07:37PM

My name is URL wrote: »

If an adult is acting up or ignoring warnings should they be smacked too? Who defines what the acceptable level of belligerence is before you hit someone... or what the acceptable level of force / violence is when you do.

An adult had judgment, a child has little or none. Would I smack a naughty child in a supermarket? No, if course I wouldn't. The onus is on the parent to do whatever they need to do to discipline the child and teach right from wrong. This is to improve that child's judgement for later in life.

My name is URL · 10-02-2013 07:39PM

MCMLXXV wrote: »

Since when is a smack on the back of the legs battering?

Also if you have a child it is your responsibility to teach them right from wrong and good manners. It is not your responsibility to teach an adult on the street right from wrong - if they've grown up to be a scrote that's their parents fault IMO, not mine.

Well that's the point. Unless you can define what a 'smack on the back of the legs' is, and how forceful it might be; then nobody else can really say whether it's right or wrong objectively. Therefor it's better, imo.. to err on the side of caution and not resort to violence at all when it comes to children. I can't condone one person smacking their kid while decrying another for smacking theirs, and nor should the law attempt to do so.

Big Nasty · 10-02-2013 07:43PM

Scruffles wrote: »

it really depends on the child whether a smack actualy works, those of us with classic autism; or intelectual disability [aka learning disability here] do not have the capacity to understand the association and why its being used.
was beaten every day by dad with his fists,slippers,hardback books,belts etc as his way of controling behavior and difficulties of mine but the only thing it ever created was to have no relationship with him what soever,we lived in the same house but was not aware of him and never recognised him as a dad until in twenties,the only time he interacted was to use his fists.mum had self medicated with alcohol when was a toddler as she coudnt cope and she had been blamed by the doctors for causing the disabilities so she never spoke to anyone for help, was neglected and felt totaly hated,more so by dad as mum never ever hit when not drunk.
didnt find out until diagnosed with it in twenties but as a toddler the neglect and lack of attachment with dad; and daily onslaught of physical abuse had triggered a lifelong severe condition called reactive attachment disorder.

some people really do think hitting does no harm because it done them no harm but not everyone has the same mentality to understand or deal with it.
there is much better ways of dealing with childrens behaviors now,jo whatshername from supernanny has shown some good ones on her 'extreme parenting' shows.

I'm very sorry to hear this, this is abuse and way over the top.

Too much is too much in terms of discipline but no discipline at all is just as negligent as serious abuse IMO.

_Kaiser_ · 10-02-2013 08:03PM

Fully agree with the OP on this one - great thread btw

Put simply, I think parents today are afraid to be parents. Since the late 80s/early 90s, coinciding with the rise of global TV and media and then the Internet, parents have been conditioned to think that they're emotionally scarring a child by enforcing rules and instilling a basic sense of right from wrong and respect in them.

Then of course they hear the reports of kids suing their parents, or nosey do-gooders reporting others to social services.. any wonder then that the current generation of parents just plonk the kid in front of the TV and leave it to the schools to teach them more than just history and maths.

I'm not talking about beating kids black and blue for the slightest transgression by the way but I don't see anything wrong with a little fear/respect for your parents when you're growing up. It's the lack of this that has schools in chaos in some cases, old people being terrorised by gangs os 12-15 year olds that the Gardai can't/won't do anything about, and it only gets worse as they get older believe me.

All this PC do-goodery, nanny-state bulls*t has a lot to answer for!

wolfpawnat · 10-02-2013 11:28PM

Kaiser2000 wrote: »

Then of course they hear the reports of kids suing their parents, or nosey do-gooders reporting others to social services..

I'm not talking about beating kids black and blue for the slightest transgression by the way but I don't see anything wrong with a little fear/respect for your parents when you're growing up.

All this PC do-goodery, nanny-state bulls*t has a lot to answer for!

I had someone report me to social services for allowing my child tantrum and not give into it. I picked him up off the floor (we were at a outpatients Dept of a hospital) and there was a warfarin (sp?) clinic on, so he was in danger of a person tripping over him. But I did nothing to placate the tantrum (give in once and the game is up IMHO) Social Services laughed at the explanation. They told me not to even bother worrying, but they have to be seen to follow up complaints.

On another occasion there was a discussion on here about smacking children and I admitted on rare occasion to smacking mine. I was getting lasagne out of the oven and my son came over and tried to grab the garlic bread, which was still in the oven. I told him to get back, no good. I yelled at him to get back, no good. The lasagne was starting to get heavy and the heat was going through the towel and still he went for the bread, I had no choice, I had to smack his hand, not brutally, not with a crack that resounded around the room, but a smack. As far as some boardsies were concerned, I should have been lynched. I should never have touched him. I asked would they rather my son was left alone and was burnt by a 200-230 degree oven and left with scarring and a trip to Crumlin. Their attitude....."Oh well what you did was worse"

Some people need their head examined. He could have had permanent scars on his hand and horrible agony, instead two minutes later he was eating his food, no tears and watching TV. I know which I'd rather!!!

Pumpkinseeds · 10-02-2013 11:28PM

Usually the threat of the wooden spoon was enough to keep us in line. We very rarely had any physical punishment, when we did it would've been a few slaps on the bare back legs and it was always, always deserved. We were brought up to treat adults with respect, no back chat.

In our teens we would've been grounded if we were in trouble for something and our pocket money would have been stopped for anywhere between a week and a month. My dad was the operations manager of a business and I remember once when I was about 16, I honestly don't recall what I'd done wrong, but he brought me up to the factory that weekend and made me scrub both the womens and mens toilets:eek:

This current generation worries me, what with the general lack of manners and the serious attitude problems they have I dread to think of what kind of kids they'll spawn in years to come.

entropi · 10-02-2013 11:51PM

Senna wrote: »

The threat of the "wooden spoon" was enough to keep us in check:D

Or a length of Wavin...

Rasheed · 11-02-2013 12:05AM

Master of Nothing wrote: »

Or a length of Wavin...

I didn't hear about the wavin pipe in years!
Now the wavin pipe really was too savage for a child.

They even stopped the using of it in marts and factories because it was to harsh on animals.

Czarcasm · 11-02-2013 01:00AM

Rasheed wrote: »

I didn't hear about the wavin pipe in years!
Now the wavin pipe really was too savage for a child.

They even stopped the using of it in marts and factories because it was to harsh on animals.

The wavin pipe was a bitch alright, but worse "disciplinary" tools come to mind- fire shovels, a spade handle, hurleys, and when I'd remembered to hide all those, my old man had to settle for using his fists to beat me black and blue and pummelling my body til I was lying in a ball on the floor for a good hour, tingling all over, left to "think about what I'd done", which usually wasn't a whole lot, merely an excuse for my old man to use me as a punch bag for some stress relief after a hard day at work.

To call a clip round the ear "violence" for me is an exaggeration, I mean, obviously for some posters here a clip round the ear is physical assault, which is, in it's strictest definition, violence.

But for me violence is to beat somebody into submission, not to clip them round the ear to get them to cop the fcuk on. One has a level of malicious intent behind it, the other is just a quick disciplinary measure.

My child a bit old now for tantrums but when he was younger he was a proper little diva, he'd throw a tantrum at the drop of a hat because he didn't get this or he wasn't allowed do that. We were in dunnes stores one day and one minute he was helping with the shopping, the next he was kicking off and punching me because I wouldn't let him get sweets. I picked him up and over the shoulder and walked out. People staring thought I was kidnapping the child. I wasn't overly concerned with what they thought tbh as my thoughts were on taking him out of the situation and giving him a stern talking to outside. I did that and we went back in and finished our shopping.

Another time we were at a polling station and he kicked off because he wasn't allowed vote, so my wife took him outside and was giving him a stern talking to when a woman came up and said "leave him alone, sure you don't know but he might be autistic!". Bad choice of words really and I was willing to shrug off the opinion of a complete stranger. My wife wasn't though and tore through this woman for a shortcut, left her in no doubt that indeed her son wasn't autistic, but thanks for interfering.

Nowadays he's that bit older and when he misbehaves, we just ground him and take away his things. A simple "go to your room and bring me out your dvd player/sky box/netbook, etc", and because he's become quite the little stickler for rules himself, he understands that behaving in a responsible manner is the way to go about earning things and not just being given them because he wants them.

I'm not the perfect parent by a longshot, I don't think there's any such thing, because each individuals experiences and opinions are different, but I don't believe that using kid gloves on a child teaches them anything when they act out of order. Children don't have the reasoning mental capacity that adults do, and some children mature and develop at different stages, sometimes physical discipline is required, but I think any reasonable person would prefer if it wasn't.

There's still a world of a difference between that, which I would call discipline, and a malicious attack on a child, which I would call violence. You're never going to get everybody to agree on that though, especially on the internet where people offer opinions without knowing each others circumstances or backgrounds.

NegativeCreep · 11-02-2013 01:03AM

No I was never afraid of my parents. I don't really know why. I guess I just didn't care if they were mad at me or not. When they'd shout at me, I'd sit there silently and pretend they weren't there. Used to wreck their heads :pac:

xLexie · 11-02-2013 01:03AM

I was afraid of my mother she was very much the bad cop. My father? Not a fear of it. My dad was and still is one of my closest friends.

On the subject of smacking children, that's a big fat no from me. I just don't see how you can teach a child that it's wrong to smack other people when they do something to upset you, when you go and smack them for something they do. I dont have kids but if i did, i would lose it with anybody who raised their hand to my child, be it their father/grandparent/aunt/uncle/stranger.
I just feel very strongly about it and I am sure there's always a better option in disciplining. Take their toys, ground them, put them on time out, take away their treats, take them by the hand and lead them away from things you don't want them to do. I have absolutely no respect for any parent I see smacking their child, to me, there is nothing as stomach churning or vile.

GalwayGuy2 · 11-02-2013 01:10AM

Not to go down a new rabbit hole, but there are ways to mentally/emotionally abuse your children. Just throwing that out there:P

Jesus, give me a light cuff at the the side of the head rather than being screamed at for hours, being told your worthless, or the verbal version of not stopping until someone is begging for mercy.

kingtiger · 11-02-2013 01:18AM

my father was a manipulative, wife beating alcoholic who terrorised my childhood, while being a passenger throughout my younger years, I was scared ****less by the prick

until I lost that when at the age of 14 and I smashed his nose across his face when he came in drunk one night, he all of a sudden realised that he hadn't an easy target any more, he left over the months ahead and haven't spoken to the pr1ck in 10 years

so I was scared when I was young but not now

cloud493 · 11-02-2013 01:23AM

Not of my mum really, though I still have respect for her even now, since she can be a mighty fierce woman. My dad just used to kick the **** out of me for everything and nothing, so definitely.

Mardy Bum · 11-02-2013 01:24AM

Some parents are worst than their kids (who are also bad). Even highly qualified people are culpable so it is not a problem designated to one grouping in society.

When this is the case any intervention is a lost cause.

Zebra3 · 11-02-2013 04:14AM

Oh hai wrote: »

Somewhere between the last generation and this one respect has been completely lost. I'm not that ancient and I remember you'd sh1t yourself if you were given a telling off by a teacher or if a garda even looked at you.

Why would you sh*t yourself if someone who is meant to protect you would look at you?

This is the sort of crap that has lead to child rapists and their supporters getting away with vile crimes.

Also, shocking the amount of people on here condoning violence by adults against kids.

Any adult hitting a child should be jailed.

Pure scumbags. :mad:

Were You Afraid Of Your Parents?

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