Other half not invited to Wedding- rude to drop hints?

dukedalton · 27-01-2013 10:30PM #1

A guy who I was really good friends with in school (now over a decade ago) is getting married this year. I haven't seen much of him since we left school, but I was glad to receive an invite to his wedding.

As we don't see that much of each other anymore, he has only briefly been introduced to the girl I've been going out with for the last 18 months. However, I assume he has at least heard of her existence (through facebook if nothing else).

So the wedding invitation arrived a few weeks ago, but with only my name on it. Suffices to say my other half is not happy, and I've been getting it in the neck ever since I told her. So my question is this: would it be rude to drop a couple of hints to my friend as regards my relationship status? (I know they've probably got the figure for how many people they can afford to invite, but surely there will be some who won't be attending, therefore freeing up some space)? Or should I just accept that my friendship with him was part of my earlier life, and go to this wedding alone in memory of earlier times?

lazygal · 27-01-2013 10:35PM

I know of one couple who only invited "their" half of a couple to their wedding, with the excuse of being on a tight budget. They got a lot of declines. We checked before sending invites on people's relationship status and even if we didn't know the partner they were asked too. Either they didn't bother checking or have a rule about plus ones. I wouldn't ask if you can bring your partner unless you know it won't cause hassle to include her. Me, I wouldn't go to a wedding without my husband.

projectgtr · 27-01-2013 10:37PM

Id say its just a misunderstanding, surely you get a +1. Drop hints?!?!?!?!? Just man up and ask your mate, its not a big deal tbh.

hoodwinked · 27-01-2013 10:44PM

It probably would be rude to ask, what you could do is

a: politely decline,

b: go to the wedding/meal solo and ask your other half to join for the reception afterwards, im sure they won't mind her turning up once the formalities are done.

c: make contact with the friend maybe meet up and reconnect with the friend and see if he notices you now have an other half and you can ask him or maybe he'll late invites her.

d: go solo

if it was my husband who was invited to a childhood friends wedding without me, id have no problem letting him go solo and maybe joining him later on, or just staying home myself, maybe im an exception though

i was recently invited to his work collegues wedding with him, i knew nobody there and had only met the bride once at a work christmas party. it was awkward as hell at first as he felt he had to babysit me but luckily the girls really made an effort to include me. Ive seen so many people at weddings hanging back alone while their partners converse among friends, so bare in mind maybe he thought about it and thought she'd know no-one there but you,

Madam_X · 27-01-2013 10:48PM

If you won't have a clue of anybody at the wedding besides the groom, letting you bring a +1 would be fairer, so that you'd have company. But if you know people there, the marrying couple are under absolutely no obligation to reserve a place for a +1, especially when that person is a stranger.

I don't see why people in relationships should always be able to bring their partner if the couple marrying haven't a clue of them - just because they're their partner. Sometimes the partner would prefer not to go anyway.

woodchuck · 27-01-2013 10:51PM

Does it really matter if you go alone?

If I was invited to a wedding by someone who didn't know my OH very well it wouldn't bother me at all...

It could be a conscious decision to keep costs down. I wouldn't say anything, but that's just me.

lazygal · 27-01-2013 10:54PM

Madam_X wrote: »

If you won't have a clue of anybody at the wedding besides the groom, letting you bring a +1 would be fairer, so that you'd have company. But if you know people there, the marrying couple are under absolutely no obligation to reserve a place for a +1, especially when that person is a stranger.

I don't see why people in relationships should always be able to bring their partner if the couple marrying haven't a clue of them - just because they're their partner.

But you wouldn't ask only one half of a couple to a dinner party or a BBQ or any other social occasion surely? We wouldn't anyway, and the wedding described here sounds like on where you'd like your partner to be included.

hoodwinked · 27-01-2013 10:56PM

lazygal wrote: »

But you wouldn't ask only one half of a couple to a dinner party or a BBQ or any other social occasion surely? We wouldn't anyway, and the wedding described here sounds like on where you'd like your partner to be included.

BBq's and dinner partys are social events a wedding for some couples is more an intimate event, with close friends and family, i know ours was maybe theirs is too, we knew every person at our wedding if we didn't they weren't invited...

Madam_X · 27-01-2013 10:57PM

lazygal wrote: »

But you wouldn't ask only one half of a couple to a dinner party or a BBQ or any other social occasion surely?

Why not?

I see couples as two independent individuals, not two halves of a unit. If I'm friends with someone and don't know their partner, inviting their partner would be just inviting them for the sake of it. It wouldn't be a conscious decision, I just wouldn't think of it.

lazygal · 27-01-2013 10:59PM

hoodwinked wrote: »

BBq's and dinner partys are social events a wedding for some couples is more an intimate event, with close friends and family, i know ours was maybe theirs is too, we knew every person at our wedding if we didn't they weren't invited...

We had a small enough wedding, about ninety, but there's no way we'd have only asked one half of a couple. I know people who haven't included partners on invites and tbh its seen as rude by a lot of people, no matter what the reason.

lazygal · 27-01-2013 11:02PM

Madam_X wrote: »

Why not?
I see couples as two independent individuals, not two halves of a unit. If I'm friends with someone and don't know their partner, inviting their partner would be just inviting them for the sake of it. It wouldn't be a conscious decision, I just wouldn't think of it.

It wouldn't occur to me not to include someone's partner, there's friends and relatives of my husband I don't know at all, but I'd never not invite them. I've been to weddings alone, but people talk, not in a complimentary way, when a bride and groom think a person's partner doesn't deserve an invite.

Madam_X · 27-01-2013 11:03PM

Meh, let them talk that way. I don't know people who go on with that judgmental, unpleasant stuff thankfully. "What petty people think" isn't a good enough reason to feel forced to abide by some imaginery "rule". Honestly, it seems to be forgotten by many that the wedding is the bride and groom's day. I've heard of two examples this weekend of couples who want to get married abroad and have a small ceremony, then a party later on. And certain people who assumed there'd be a big wedding are raging and refusing to go to the party. Horribly selfish.

lazygal wrote: »

We had a small enough wedding, about ninety, but there's no way we'd have only asked one half of a couple. I know people who haven't included partners on invites and tbh its seen as rude by a lot of people, no matter what the reason.

Sense of entitlement IMO if they know plenty of people there and their partner is a stranger to those getting married. What's the problem with it? Are they that incapable of attending an event solo? I know cases of people really not wanting to go (usually the guy) because it's just a group of strangers to them or there's something else on that day they'd rather go to, but are under an "obligation" by their partner because... well just because.

Bottom line is: the only reason why people think it's essential that their partner be invited is because "It's just one of those things that are that way".

If those getting married are happy with everyone having a +1, that's very generous of them, but if they aren't, shouldn't be a problem.

How long should the couple be together? Would it be rude not to invite someone who's going out with the guest just a short while, like a matter of weeks/months?

Sam Kade · 27-01-2013 11:04PM

woodchuck wrote: »

Does it really matter if you go alone?

If I was invited to a wedding by someone who didn't know my OH very well it wouldn't bother me at all...

It could be a conscious decision to keep costs down. I wouldn't say anything, but that's just me.

Until your OH like the op's kicks up a fuss about it

Dietsquirt · 27-01-2013 11:10PM

I've encountered this problem myself, i'm getting married this year and I've sent some invites as a 'single invitation' and other invites as a '+1'. I've got subtle feedback saying 'is she invited too?' by text and in person. Why do people assume their partners are automatically invited? It confuses me. In fact a friend of mine this week, who i only sent an invite to (not to his partner) text me saying 'any ideas on hotels in the area, myself AND ****** need to book?!'. I don't really know how to handle the situation. I'm getting married abroad by the way.

Dietsquirt · 27-01-2013 11:12PM

hoodwinked wrote: »

It probably would be rude to ask, what you could do is

a: politely decline,

b: go to the wedding/meal solo and ask your other half to join for the reception afterwards, im sure they won't mind her turning up once the formalities are done.

c: make contact with the friend maybe meet up and reconnect with the friend and see if he notices you now have an other half and you can ask him or maybe he'll late invites her.

d: go solo

if it was my husband who was invited to a childhood friends wedding without me, id have no problem letting him go solo and maybe joining him later on, or just staying home myself, maybe im an exception though

i was recently invited to his work collegues wedding with him, i knew nobody there and had only met the bride once at a work christmas party. it was awkward as hell at first as he felt he had to babysit me but luckily the girls really made an effort to include me. Ive seen so many people at weddings hanging back alone while their partners converse among friends, so bare in mind maybe he thought about it and thought she'd know no-one there but you,

Really?? Turning up uninvited?
Maybe i'm alone on this one but i'd find this borderline rude.

lazygal · 27-01-2013 11:18PM

Dietsquirt wrote: »

I've encountered this problem myself, i'm getting married this year and I've sent some invites as a 'single invitation' and other invites as a '+1'. I've got subtle feedback saying 'is she invited too?' by text and in person. Why do people assume their partners are automatically invited? It confuses me. In fact a friend of mine this week, who i only sent an invite to (not to his partner) text me saying 'any ideas on hotels in the area, myself AND ****** need to book?!'. I don't really know how to handle the situation. I'm getting married abroad by the way.

You're just going to have to tell them their partner isn't invited, so there's no ambiguity.

woodchuck · 27-01-2013 11:25PM

Sam Kade wrote: »

Until your OH like the op's kicks up a fuss about it

Why would they even care about not going though? From the sounds of it they wouldn't know anyone apart from the OP? Certainly not the bride and groom anyway. I'd only be too happy to get out of going to a wedding of people I don't know :P

OP personally I wouldn't say anything to the couple. They've made their decision. You're just going to have to tell your OH in the nicest way possible to 'deal with it'

Senna · 27-01-2013 11:34PM

Dietsquirt wrote: »

I'm getting married abroad by the way.

Your getting married abroad but you don't want your friends to be able to travel over with their partners??? Most people who attend a wedding abroad will make a mini holiday (or even their yearly holiday) out of it.

Sam Kade · 27-01-2013 11:39PM

woodchuck wrote: »

Why would they even care about not going though? From the sounds of it they wouldn't know anyone apart from the OP? Certainly not the bride and groom anyway. I'd only be too happy to get out of going to a wedding of people I don't know :P

OP personally I wouldn't say anything to the couple. They've made their decision. You're just going to have to tell your OH in the nicest way possible to 'deal with it'

Same here.

Sam Kade · 27-01-2013 11:42PM

Senna wrote: »

Your getting married abroad but you don't want your friends to be able to travel over with their partners??? Most people who attend a wedding abroad will make a mini holiday (or even their yearly holiday) out of it.

Nothing stopping them traveling together and making a holiday of it and only the invited person going to the wedding

Dietsquirt · 27-01-2013 11:42PM

Senna wrote: »

Your getting married abroad but you don't want your friends to be able to travel over with their partners??? Most people who attend a wedding abroad will make a mini holiday (or even their yearly holiday) out of it.

So you're saying that the wedding abroad for some guests would be 'Mini Holiday' First, 'Wedding' Second? The bottom line here is numbers, we have a wedding budget and can't really afford to exceed it. We came up with a list of people we'd like to attend.

To avoid confusion, my close friends (who have partners) all got +1; mainly because myself or my fiancee know their partners quite/very well. I really don't understand why anyone would offer someone a +1 if they've never met their partners, or seen them once in the last few years??

dahamsta · 27-01-2013 11:49PM

18 months is nothing. And "getting it in the neck" about something as trivial as this doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

lazygal · 27-01-2013 11:51PM

Dietsquirt wrote: »

So you're saying that the wedding abroad for some guests would be 'Mini Holiday' First, 'Wedding' Second? The bottom line here is numbers, we have a wedding budget and can't really afford to exceed it. We came up with a list of people we'd like to attend.

To avoid confusion, my close friends (who have partners) all got +1; mainly because myself or my fiancee know their partners quite/very well. I really don't understand why anyone would offer someone a +1 if they've never met their partners, or seen them once in the last few years??

Because its polite and you avoid having to tell people that some people deserved a partner invite while others didn't? No matter what you do though, someone will be annoyed. We had no children at our wedding, didn't ask any, still had people asking if they were included, RSVP d with kids names etc.

lazygal · 27-01-2013 11:52PM

dahamsta wrote: »

18 months is nothing. And "getting it in the neck" about something as trivial as this doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

Is this a serious comment? My husband and I were married within 18 months of knowing each other!

goat2 · 27-01-2013 11:54PM

if you dont want to go alone, then dont go, but i would not go and ask them to ask your girlfriend that they dont know, as far as they are concerned they dont know her,

it is hard on couples to keep numbers to a decent level, they have both families, grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins and maybe some of those cousins are married or have partners, when you fill in the blanks on both sides, i guess there are already about eighty people,
then factor in friends of the couple, the siblings friends, the parents friends, it is a whole lot of people, so it is easy to cut out people the couple and their families dont know.
it would just be easer to pop abroad with family and relatives and a few very close friends, a wedding and holiday, that would be the dream family wedding for me,
cut out the pressure

Sam Kade · 27-01-2013 11:56PM

lazygal wrote: »

Is this a serious comment? My husband and I were married within 18 months of knowing each other!

:eek:

dukedalton · 28-01-2013 12:03AM

dahamsta wrote: »

18 months is nothing. And "getting it in the neck" about something as trivial as this doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

Trolly McTroll Troll

Madam_X · 28-01-2013 12:09AM

lazygal wrote: »

Because its polite and you avoid having to tell people that some people deserved a partner invite while others didn't?

It's pretty straightforward why a partner wouldn't be invited - the people getting married don't know them from adam, whereas those partners who are invited are known by/friends of the marrying couple. Of course the latter are more deserving of an invite.
Surely what's polite is acknowledging the couple shouldn't feel pressurised into inviting people they don't know when the budget might be fairly stretched as it is. It would be an awful shame if someone is invited simply because the couple feel obliged to invite them rather than wanting them there.

hoodwinked · 28-01-2013 12:10AM

Dietsquirt wrote: »

Really?? Turning up uninvited?
Maybe i'm alone on this one but i'd find this borderline rude.

i was just throwing out options, but if im honest about it i have yet to meet a bride and groom who give a fiddlers fart about who turns up at 10pm after everything is done, when working in a hotel random tourists would join wedding parties at that hour, they'd ask the bride and groom and they always responded with work away...

i personally wouldn't go i'd be glad to miss it tbh, it means i don't have to spend the whole night getting to know people who are half drunk, and my husband wouldn't have to baby sit me and could have fun with his friends instead.

movingsucks · 28-01-2013 01:07AM

I had a very small wedding and as quite a few people were travelling we invited plus ones even though we didn't know a lot of them that well, so they wouldn't be travelling alone.
I have this page in one of my wedding albums of all the couples in our group of friends on the day and five years later only two of them are still together. So now there's like 7 or 8 guests out of 60 that I never even talk to now - some of them wouldn't know me or my husband if they saw us walking down the street five years on.
Sooooo I'm not sorry I invited them at the time or anything but I can see why some people wouldn't give a plus one to everyone.

To the OP I would just ask your friend straight out but it's possible your OH isn't included, 18 months is a significant about of time to be in a relationship BUT if you don't see someone very often they won't think of her that way, she's still relatively new to them. How many times have they met her, under what circumstances, one on one or everyone all in a group, would they pick her out in a crowd? They may have forgot.

Senna · 28-01-2013 01:55AM

Dietsquirt wrote: »

So you're saying that the wedding abroad for some guests would be 'Mini Holiday' First, 'Wedding' Second? The bottom line here is numbers, we have a wedding budget and can't really afford to exceed it. We came up with a list of people we'd like to attend.

To avoid confusion, my close friends (who have partners) all got +1; mainly because myself or my fiancee know their partners quite/very well. I really don't understand why anyone would offer someone a +1 if they've never met their partners, or seen them once in the last few years??

Can it not be a wedding and a holiday for some people, your wedding is not as important to other people as it is to you. If it was me and I wanted to go to the wedding, I'd be making it as part of my holiday for the year, it makes sense and that's what I have done in the past, I want to take a holiday each year, but I couldn't afford two trips abroad.
Asking people to travel abroad and then not invite their partner is just plain rude. You are inconveniencing them (financially also) by having a wedding that involves travel outside the country, the least you could do is spare a though for your guests.

Other half not invited to Wedding- rude to drop hints?

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