Other half not invited to Wedding- rude to drop hints?

dukedalton

A guy who I was really good friends with in school (now over a decade ago) is getting married this year. I haven't seen much of him since we left school, but I was glad to receive an invite to his wedding.

As we don't see that much of each other anymore, he has only briefly been introduced to the girl I've been going out with for the last 18 months. However, I assume he has at least heard of her existence (through facebook if nothing else).

So the wedding invitation arrived a few weeks ago, but with only my name on it. Suffices to say my other half is not happy, and I've been getting it in the neck ever since I told her. So my question is this: would it be rude to drop a couple of hints to my friend as regards my relationship status? (I know they've probably got the figure for how many people they can afford to invite, but surely there will be some who won't be attending, therefore freeing up some space)? Or should I just accept that my friendship with him was part of my earlier life, and go to this wedding alone in memory of earlier times?

lazygal

I know of one couple who only invited "their" half of a couple to their wedding, with the excuse of being on a tight budget. They got a lot of declines. We checked before sending invites on people's relationship status and even if we didn't know the partner they were asked too. Either they didn't bother checking or have a rule about plus ones. I wouldn't ask if you can bring your partner unless you know it won't cause hassle to include her. Me, I wouldn't go to a wedding without my husband.

projectgtr

Id say its just a misunderstanding, surely you get a +1. Drop hints?!?!?!?!? Just man up and ask your mate, its not a big deal tbh.

hoodwinked

It probably would be rude to ask, what you could do is

a: politely decline,

b: go to the wedding/meal solo and ask your other half to join for the reception afterwards, im sure they won't mind her turning up once the formalities are done.

c: make contact with the friend maybe meet up and reconnect with the friend and see if he notices you now have an other half and you can ask him or maybe he'll late invites her.

d: go solo

if it was my husband who was invited to a childhood friends wedding without me, id have no problem letting him go solo and maybe joining him later on, or just staying home myself, maybe im an exception though


i was recently invited to his work collegues wedding with him, i knew nobody there and had only met the bride once at a work christmas party. it was awkward as hell at first as he felt he had to babysit me but luckily the girls really made an effort to include me. Ive seen so many people at weddings hanging back alone while their partners converse among friends, so bare in mind maybe he thought about it and thought she'd know no-one there but you,

Madam_X

If you won't have a clue of anybody at the wedding besides the groom, letting you bring a +1 would be fairer, so that you'd have company. But if you know people there, the marrying couple are under absolutely no obligation to reserve a place for a +1, especially when that person is a stranger.

I don't see why people in relationships should always be able to bring their partner if the couple marrying haven't a clue of them - just because they're their partner. Sometimes the partner would prefer not to go anyway.

woodchuck

Does it really matter if you go alone?

If I was invited to a wedding by someone who didn't know my OH very well it wouldn't bother me at all...

It could be a conscious decision to keep costs down. I wouldn't say anything, but that's just me.

lazygal

Madam_X wrote: »

If you won't have a clue of anybody at the wedding besides the groom, letting you bring a +1 would be fairer, so that you'd have company. But if you know people there, the marrying couple are under absolutely no obligation to reserve a place for a +1, especially when that person is a stranger.

I don't see why people in relationships should always be able to bring their partner if the couple marrying haven't a clue of them - just because they're their partner.

But you wouldn't ask only one half of a couple to a dinner party or a BBQ or any other social occasion surely? We wouldn't anyway, and the wedding described here sounds like on where you'd like your partner to be included.

hoodwinked

lazygal wrote: »

But you wouldn't ask only one half of a couple to a dinner party or a BBQ or any other social occasion surely? We wouldn't anyway, and the wedding described here sounds like on where you'd like your partner to be included.

BBq's and dinner partys are social events a wedding for some couples is more an intimate event, with close friends and family, i know ours was maybe theirs is too, we knew every person at our wedding if we didn't they weren't invited...

Madam_X

lazygal wrote: »

But you wouldn't ask only one half of a couple to a dinner party or a BBQ or any other social occasion surely?

Why not?
I see couples as two independent individuals, not two halves of a unit. If I'm friends with someone and don't know their partner, inviting their partner would be just inviting them for the sake of it. It wouldn't be a conscious decision, I just wouldn't think of it.

lazygal

hoodwinked wrote: »

BBq's and dinner partys are social events a wedding for some couples is more an intimate event, with close friends and family, i know ours was maybe theirs is too, we knew every person at our wedding if we didn't they weren't invited...

We had a small enough wedding, about ninety, but there's no way we'd have only asked one half of a couple. I know people who haven't included partners on invites and tbh its seen as rude by a lot of people, no matter what the reason.

lazygal

Madam_X wrote: »

Why not?
I see couples as two independent individuals, not two halves of a unit. If I'm friends with someone and don't know their partner, inviting their partner would be just inviting them for the sake of it. It wouldn't be a conscious decision, I just wouldn't think of it.

It wouldn't occur to me not to include someone's partner, there's friends and relatives of my husband I don't know at all, but I'd never not invite them. I've been to weddings alone, but people talk, not in a complimentary way, when a bride and groom think a person's partner doesn't deserve an invite.

Madam_X

Meh, let them talk that way. I don't know people who go on with that judgmental, unpleasant stuff thankfully. "What petty people think" isn't a good enough reason to feel forced to abide by some imaginery "rule". Honestly, it seems to be forgotten by many that the wedding is the bride and groom's day. I've heard of two examples this weekend of couples who want to get married abroad and have a small ceremony, then a party later on. And certain people who assumed there'd be a big wedding are raging and refusing to go to the party. Horribly selfish.

lazygal wrote: »

We had a small enough wedding, about ninety, but there's no way we'd have only asked one half of a couple. I know people who haven't included partners on invites and tbh its seen as rude by a lot of people, no matter what the reason.

Sense of entitlement IMO if they know plenty of people there and their partner is a stranger to those getting married. What's the problem with it? Are they that incapable of attending an event solo? I know cases of people really not wanting to go (usually the guy) because it's just a group of strangers to them or there's something else on that day they'd rather go to, but are under an "obligation" by their partner because... well just because.

Bottom line is: the only reason why people think it's essential that their partner be invited is because "It's just one of those things that are that way".

If those getting married are happy with everyone having a +1, that's very generous of them, but if they aren't, shouldn't be a problem.

How long should the couple be together? Would it be rude not to invite someone who's going out with the guest just a short while, like a matter of weeks/months?

Sam Kade

woodchuck wrote: »

Does it really matter if you go alone?

If I was invited to a wedding by someone who didn't know my OH very well it wouldn't bother me at all...

It could be a conscious decision to keep costs down. I wouldn't say anything, but that's just me.

Until your OH like the op's kicks up a fuss about it

Dietsquirt

I've encountered this problem myself, i'm getting married this year and I've sent some invites as a 'single invitation' and other invites as a '+1'. I've got subtle feedback saying 'is she invited too?' by text and in person. Why do people assume their partners are automatically invited? It confuses me. In fact a friend of mine this week, who i only sent an invite to (not to his partner) text me saying 'any ideas on hotels in the area, myself AND ****** need to book?!'. I don't really know how to handle the situation. I'm getting married abroad by the way.

Dietsquirt

hoodwinked wrote: »

It probably would be rude to ask, what you could do is

a: politely decline,

b: go to the wedding/meal solo and ask your other half to join for the reception afterwards, im sure they won't mind her turning up once the formalities are done.

c: make contact with the friend maybe meet up and reconnect with the friend and see if he notices you now have an other half and you can ask him or maybe he'll late invites her.

d: go solo

if it was my husband who was invited to a childhood friends wedding without me, id have no problem letting him go solo and maybe joining him later on, or just staying home myself, maybe im an exception though


i was recently invited to his work collegues wedding with him, i knew nobody there and had only met the bride once at a work christmas party. it was awkward as hell at first as he felt he had to babysit me but luckily the girls really made an effort to include me. Ive seen so many people at weddings hanging back alone while their partners converse among friends, so bare in mind maybe he thought about it and thought she'd know no-one there but you,

Really?? Turning up uninvited?
Maybe i'm alone on this one but i'd find this borderline rude.

lazygal

Dietsquirt wrote: »

I've encountered this problem myself, i'm getting married this year and I've sent some invites as a 'single invitation' and other invites as a '+1'. I've got subtle feedback saying 'is she invited too?' by text and in person. Why do people assume their partners are automatically invited? It confuses me. In fact a friend of mine this week, who i only sent an invite to (not to his partner) text me saying 'any ideas on hotels in the area, myself AND ****** need to book?!'. I don't really know how to handle the situation. I'm getting married abroad by the way.

You're just going to have to tell them their partner isn't invited, so there's no ambiguity.

woodchuck

Sam Kade wrote: »

Until your OH like the op's kicks up a fuss about it

Why would they even care about not going though? From the sounds of it they wouldn't know anyone apart from the OP? Certainly not the bride and groom anyway. I'd only be too happy to get out of going to a wedding of people I don't know :P

OP personally I wouldn't say anything to the couple. They've made their decision. You're just going to have to tell your OH in the nicest way possible to 'deal with it'

Senna

Dietsquirt wrote: »

I'm getting married abroad by the way.

Your getting married abroad but you don't want your friends to be able to travel over with their partners??? Most people who attend a wedding abroad will make a mini holiday (or even their yearly holiday) out of it.

Sam Kade

woodchuck wrote: »

Why would they even care about not going though? From the sounds of it they wouldn't know anyone apart from the OP? Certainly not the bride and groom anyway. I'd only be too happy to get out of going to a wedding of people I don't know :P

OP personally I wouldn't say anything to the couple. They've made their decision. You're just going to have to tell your OH in the nicest way possible to 'deal with it'

Same here.

Sam Kade

Senna wrote: »

Your getting married abroad but you don't want your friends to be able to travel over with their partners??? Most people who attend a wedding abroad will make a mini holiday (or even their yearly holiday) out of it.

Nothing stopping them traveling together and making a holiday of it and only the invited person going to the wedding

Dietsquirt

Senna wrote: »

Your getting married abroad but you don't want your friends to be able to travel over with their partners??? Most people who attend a wedding abroad will make a mini holiday (or even their yearly holiday) out of it.

So you're saying that the wedding abroad for some guests would be 'Mini Holiday' First, 'Wedding' Second? The bottom line here is numbers, we have a wedding budget and can't really afford to exceed it. We came up with a list of people we'd like to attend.

To avoid confusion, my close friends (who have partners) all got +1; mainly because myself or my fiancee know their partners quite/very well. I really don't understand why anyone would offer someone a +1 if they've never met their partners, or seen them once in the last few years??

dahamsta

18 months is nothing. And "getting it in the neck" about something as trivial as this doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

lazygal

Dietsquirt wrote: »

So you're saying that the wedding abroad for some guests would be 'Mini Holiday' First, 'Wedding' Second? The bottom line here is numbers, we have a wedding budget and can't really afford to exceed it. We came up with a list of people we'd like to attend.

To avoid confusion, my close friends (who have partners) all got +1; mainly because myself or my fiancee know their partners quite/very well. I really don't understand why anyone would offer someone a +1 if they've never met their partners, or seen them once in the last few years??

Because its polite and you avoid having to tell people that some people deserved a partner invite while others didn't? No matter what you do though, someone will be annoyed. We had no children at our wedding, didn't ask any, still had people asking if they were included, RSVP d with kids names etc.

lazygal

dahamsta wrote: »

18 months is nothing. And "getting it in the neck" about something as trivial as this doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

Is this a serious comment? My husband and I were married within 18 months of knowing each other!

goat2

if you dont want to go alone, then dont go, but i would not go and ask them to ask your girlfriend that they dont know, as far as they are concerned they dont know her,

it is hard on couples to keep numbers to a decent level, they have both families, grandparents, aunts, uncles, first cousins and maybe some of those cousins are married or have partners, when you fill in the blanks on both sides, i guess there are already about eighty people,
then factor in friends of the couple, the siblings friends, the parents friends, it is a whole lot of people, so it is easy to cut out people the couple and their families dont know.
it would just be easer to pop abroad with family and relatives and a few very close friends, a wedding and holiday, that would be the dream family wedding for me,
cut out the pressure

Sam Kade

lazygal wrote: »

Is this a serious comment? My husband and I were married within 18 months of knowing each other!

:eek:

dukedalton

dahamsta wrote: »

18 months is nothing. And "getting it in the neck" about something as trivial as this doesn't sound like much of a relationship.

Trolly McTroll Troll

Madam_X

lazygal wrote: »

Because its polite and you avoid having to tell people that some people deserved a partner invite while others didn't?

It's pretty straightforward why a partner wouldn't be invited - the people getting married don't know them from adam, whereas those partners who are invited are known by/friends of the marrying couple. Of course the latter are more deserving of an invite.
Surely what's polite is acknowledging the couple shouldn't feel pressurised into inviting people they don't know when the budget might be fairly stretched as it is. It would be an awful shame if someone is invited simply because the couple feel obliged to invite them rather than wanting them there.

hoodwinked

Dietsquirt wrote: »

Really?? Turning up uninvited?
Maybe i'm alone on this one but i'd find this borderline rude.

i was just throwing out options, but if im honest about it i have yet to meet a bride and groom who give a fiddlers fart about who turns up at 10pm after everything is done, when working in a hotel random tourists would join wedding parties at that hour, they'd ask the bride and groom and they always responded with work away...


i personally wouldn't go i'd be glad to miss it tbh, it means i don't have to spend the whole night getting to know people who are half drunk, and my husband wouldn't have to baby sit me and could have fun with his friends instead.

movingsucks

I had a very small wedding and as quite a few people were travelling we invited plus ones even though we didn't know a lot of them that well, so they wouldn't be travelling alone.
I have this page in one of my wedding albums of all the couples in our group of friends on the day and five years later only two of them are still together. So now there's like 7 or 8 guests out of 60 that I never even talk to now - some of them wouldn't know me or my husband if they saw us walking down the street five years on.
Sooooo I'm not sorry I invited them at the time or anything but I can see why some people wouldn't give a plus one to everyone.

To the OP I would just ask your friend straight out but it's possible your OH isn't included, 18 months is a significant about of time to be in a relationship BUT if you don't see someone very often they won't think of her that way, she's still relatively new to them. How many times have they met her, under what circumstances, one on one or everyone all in a group, would they pick her out in a crowd? They may have forgot.

Senna

Dietsquirt wrote: »

So you're saying that the wedding abroad for some guests would be 'Mini Holiday' First, 'Wedding' Second? The bottom line here is numbers, we have a wedding budget and can't really afford to exceed it. We came up with a list of people we'd like to attend.

To avoid confusion, my close friends (who have partners) all got +1; mainly because myself or my fiancee know their partners quite/very well. I really don't understand why anyone would offer someone a +1 if they've never met their partners, or seen them once in the last few years??

Can it not be a wedding and a holiday for some people, your wedding is not as important to other people as it is to you. If it was me and I wanted to go to the wedding, I'd be making it as part of my holiday for the year, it makes sense and that's what I have done in the past, I want to take a holiday each year, but I couldn't afford two trips abroad.
Asking people to travel abroad and then not invite their partner is just plain rude. You are inconveniencing them (financially also) by having a wedding that involves travel outside the country, the least you could do is spare a though for your guests.

CaliforniaDream

Dietsquirt wrote: »

So you're saying that the wedding abroad for some guests would be 'Mini Holiday' First, 'Wedding' Second? The bottom line here is numbers, we have a wedding budget and can't really afford to exceed it. We came up with a list of people we'd like to attend.

To avoid confusion, my close friends (who have partners) all got +1; mainly because myself or my fiancee know their partners quite/very well. I really don't understand why anyone would offer someone a +1 if they've never met their partners, or seen them once in the last few years??

Your post confuses me.

You're having a wedding abroad with a budget. Your numbers are limited. You're inviting close friends but not their partner if you've never met them.
How close are these friends if you've never met the partner?

I can understand if it's a new relationship but if your friend is with someone for a while, how have you not made an effort to meet their partner?

Asking someone to attend a wedding abroad but not invite their partner is really rude IMO.
It will be a holiday to many people and most people like to go on holidays with their partner.

Cerulean Chicken

God, my fiancé has been invited to so many weddings of people I don't know, I back out of half of them because of "work", I'm always wishing it was just him on the invite, and not me or plus 1! I often think God love the couple having to invite all these other halves that they don't know, my fiancé might have known the person 20 years before I came along, I've never met the friend just through circumstance, I have no interest in going, they have no interest in having me witness their marriage yet they have to invite me to be polite. He has often gone to weddings alone, and just RSVP'd to say he'd love to come but unfortunately I'm working (I know my working hours 2-12 months in advance).

I've been invited to weddings on my own before where I knew loads of friends so went alone no problem, I am now also invited to a wedding with my fiancé that he is groomsman at, and I know nobody but him, the groom and the other groomsman. So now I will be on my own at the church, the drinks reception (while they do photos), with strangers for the meal (which doesn't bother me as much as the first two). In this instance I would now have preferred if it was just him invited, other halves of bridal party members that don't know other guests are in for a long day.

BabysCoffee

OP, your options are to either attend on your own or don't go. It would be rude to ask to bring your partner.


On another note IMO, asking someone to a foreign wedding and not asking their partner (whether you know them or not) is the height of rudeness

reprazant

CaliforniaDream wrote: »

Your post confuses me.

You're having a wedding abroad with a budget. Your numbers are limited. You're inviting close friends but not their partner if you've never met them.
How close are these friends if you've never met the partner?

I can understand if it's a new relationship but if your friend is with someone for a while, how have you not made an effort to meet their partner?

Asking someone to attend a wedding abroad but not invite their partner is really rude IMO.
It will be a holiday to many people and most people like to go on holidays with their partner.

Why does it confuse you? I have some good friends who I have known for years, some even from childhood, who have partners I have barely met. When I meet up with friends, we don't always necessarily meet as couples, especially when people have children meaning that it is difficult and expensive for two people to go out.

You reasoning for it being rude is bizarre. You are having a wedding, it will be like a holiday to people and people go on holidays with their partner so it is rude not to invite the partner. Good for them except it is not a holiday for you, it is your wedding. If people want to use it for a holiday, good on them but it is not the purpose of the trip.

If somebody cannot afford to invite somebody, I find it rude to try and force the issue just so you can go on a holiday.

Necro

Senna wrote: »

Can it not be a wedding and a holiday for some people, your wedding is not as important to other people as it is to you. If it was me and I wanted to go to the wedding, I'd be making it as part of my holiday for the year, it makes sense and that's what I have done in the past, I want to take a holiday each year, but I couldn't afford two trips abroad.
Asking people to travel abroad and then not invite their partner is just plain rude. You are inconveniencing them (financially also) by having a wedding that involves travel outside the country, the least you could do is spare a though for your guests.

I love the last line - it just shows the sense of over-entitlement prevalent when it comes to weddings - why spare a thought for your guests? You're already paying for the meal and the entertainment for a night.

I would have thought that the privilege of being able to spend the day with people who are getting married would be enough. If you're going to whine about you OH not being invited? WHY GO???

Anyone would have thought it was the guests getting married...:rolleyes:

seamus

Necrominus wrote: »

I love the last line - it just shows the sense of over-entitlement prevalent when it comes to weddings - why spare a thought for your guests? You're already paying for the meal and the entertainment for a night.

I would have thought that the privilege of being able to spend the day with people who are getting married would be enough. If you're going to whine about you OH not being invited? WHY GO???

Anyone would have thought it was the guests getting married...:rolleyes:

I love the irony in this post. It's a "privilege" to get to spend the day at someone else's wedding. Lollers.

What about the bride and groom feeling privileged that they have people who care enough about them to spend significant amounts of their time and money celebrating the wedding?

Weddings are (or at least should be) about friendships; the bride and groom should feel honoured that to have people around them happy to celebrate the day, just as the guests should feel honoured to be considered so close to the couple that the couple want them there to celebrate that day.

On the partner/no partner thing, it depends I suppose. If everyone else's partners are invited and yours isn't just because the couple don't know them, then that's fairly ****.
If it's a very intimate affair it's not uncommon to go strictly friends only, and that's OK IMO. My wife was invited to the wedding of an old college friend of hers, who specifically rang up to apologise and clarify that the invite didn't extend to me.
Even in my case, it's not like I was a stranger, I'd met them plenty of times over the years, they'd come to our wedding, but we would never have considered eachother "friends".
And no, I wasn't pissed off at all, especially since they explained it was a very small and intimate wedding.

Necro

seamus wrote: »

I love the irony in this post. It's a "privilege" to get to spend the day at someone else's wedding. Lollers.

What about the bride and groom feeling privileged that they have people who care enough about them to spend significant amounts of their time and money celebrating the wedding?

Weddings are (or at least should be) about friendships; the bride and groom should feel honoured that to have people around them happy to celebrate the day, just as the guests should feel honoured to be considered so close to the couple that the couple want them there to celebrate that day.

On the partner/no partner thing, it depends I suppose. If everyone else's partners are invited and yours isn't just because the couple don't know them, then that's fairly ****.
If it's a very intimate affair it's not uncommon to go strictly friends only, and that's OK IMO. My wife was invited to the wedding of an old college friend of hers, who specifically rang up to apologise and clarify that the invite didn't extend to me.
Even in my case, it's not like I was a stranger, I'd met them plenty of times over the years, they'd come to our wedding, but we would never have considered eachother "friends".
And no, I wasn't pissed off at all, especially since they explained it was a very small and intimate wedding.

I actually agree with you, but the sense of self-entitlement on this thread about OH's attending/not attending is incredibly selfish. And whatever you feel, I think it IS a privilege to be invited to attend someone's wedding. It generally affirms that you are in fact considered friends of the couple(I know that is not always the case however).

Invitations and guest lists are currently a great source of ire for myself and my fiancé at present, but thankfully our friends and family are completely understanding of our budget so have put no pressure on us to include 'this person' or 'their partner whom we've never met'.

ElleEm

dukedalton wrote: »

A guy who I was really good friends with in school (now over a decade ago) is getting married this year. I haven't seen much of him since we left school, but I was glad to receive an invite to his wedding.

As we don't see that much of each other anymore, he has only briefly been introduced to the girl I've been going out with for the last 18 months. However, I assume he has at least heard of her existence (through facebook if nothing else).

So the wedding invitation arrived a few weeks ago, but with only my name on it. Suffices to say my other half is not happy, and I've been getting it in the neck ever since I told her. So my question is this: would it be rude to drop a couple of hints to my friend as regards my relationship status? (I know they've probably got the figure for how many people they can afford to invite, but surely there will be some who won't be attending, therefore freeing up some space)? Or should I just accept that my friendship with him was part of my earlier life, and go to this wedding alone in memory of earlier times?

So you were glad to recieve the invite to your old friend's wedding? The fact is, he is YOUR friend. You are only doubting this cos your girlfriend is going mad about it. I think she is being super selfish- he is your friend and it is his wedding. He obviously doesn't know her well enough to invite her to his special day, and he has that right. I think you should tell her to stop acting so bloody spoilt, and go yourself and have a great time.

Myself and my boyfriend are together nearly seven years, and although we have a lot of friends as a couple, we still have separate friends that may not know our partners, (friends from childhood, living abroad, etc.). If he got an invite to a friend's wedding alone, then that is the host's perogative. He would feel the same about me.

Once you are in a relationship, it does not mean that you automatically become half a person. I hate that phrase, "other half". I am a whole person, as is my boyfriend. We choose to spend our lives together, it is not a given that we come as a package.

ABajaninCork

I can see both sides.

I married 'abroad'; i.e here in Ireland and not London where I'm from. I did invite plus ones where we knew the couple were together for a while or married. A lot of the plus one's from the Irish side I hadn't even met before the wedding! One couple I invited, the husband backed out as he doesn't like to travel. However, the wife did call me before and asked if she could bring her niece as company for her. I happily agreed - We'd already budgeted for the couple, so as far as we were concerned it was just a change of name.

But I would never throw a strop if my husband was invited and I wasn't if I don't know the couple. I'd be happy for him to go off by himself to wish the happy couple well. Money's so tight now, you have to make every penny count. So I'd assume it would be for budgetary reasons and leave it at that.

OP - to me the choice is simple. Either you accept the invitation 'as is' or you decline it. I wouldn't embarrass the couple by asking for a +1.

Madam_X

Senna wrote: »

Can it not be a wedding and a holiday for some people, your wedding is not as important to other people as it is to you. If it was me and I wanted to go to the wedding, I'd be making it as part of my holiday for the year, it makes sense and that's what I have done in the past, I want to take a holiday each year, but I couldn't afford two trips abroad.
Asking people to travel abroad and then not invite their partner is just plain rude. You are inconveniencing them (financially also) by having a wedding that involves travel outside the country, the least you could do is spare a though for your guests.

Yeh you could make it your holiday and still go to the wedding on your own if the marrying couple haven't a clue who your partner is, you already know plenty of people there, and the budget is limited. The rest of your holiday would be with your partner.

CaliforniaDream wrote: »

I can understand if it's a new relationship but if your friend is with someone for a while, how have you not made an effort to meet their partner?

People don't need to "make an effort" to meet their friends' partners - if they're good friends, they'll meet them anyway.

It's not black and white though in fairness. Obviously there should be exceptions - e.g. a partner of a good friend who lives abroad, I think it would be only fair to invite the partner, and the people getting married would probably like to meet them anyway.
I think what's being referred to here is someone who's only seeing someone a short time and knows plenty at the wedding, or someone like the OP, who is a friend from a long time ago.

It's really unfair to guilt people getting married into doing something they'd rather not do but feel forced to do so - when it's their day.

Daisy M

I think people need to realise it is the bride and grooms perogative to decide whether or not they invite plus ones or not. But the bride and groom also need to realise that it is the invitees perogative as to whether or not they will attend if their partner has not been invited.

If I was invited to a wedding abroad without my husband then there is no way I would go it wouldnt matter whos wedding it was. A holiday abroad is a big treat in this house and no way would I attend if he wasnt invited.
To the person who suggested that the partner who wasnt invited could go with their partner for the holiday part and not attend the wedding, eh no way. Why should mu husband be expected to spend his holiday in a destination chosen by someone who would not even have him at their wedding, are guests expected to be doormats?

Madam_X

Why would people who don't know the marrying couple from adam want to go, especially when they know the marrying couple only feel pressured into inviting them?
Just to score points?

No need to worry anyway - the pushiest guests usually tend to get their way, due to sufficiently guilting the marrying couple. And of course their egos are all that matters, as opposed to the day of the two people getting married.

It amazes me how needy some adults are. On a week's holiday where there is a wedding: if the partner is not invited, they needn't worry. They'll see their partner again in a matter of hours. If they're particularly pushy, their partner will sneak off early.

Senna

Madam_X wrote: »

On a week's holiday where there is a wedding: if the partner is not invited, they needn't worry. They'll see their partner again in a matter of hours. If they're particularly pushy, their partner will sneak off early.

As the poster above you says "If I was invited to a wedding abroad without my husband then there is no way I would go it wouldnt matter whos wedding it was", and I think you'll find that is how most people would feel.
There is two distinctions here;
Wedding at home = Invited/don't invite who ever you want.
Wedding abroad = Invite partners or +1

To who ever said that not inviting partners to a wedding abroad was down to budget. You have picked a wedding abroad, you have chosen the most expensive option for your guests, why have you chosen the most awkward method of getting married if you cant even afford to invite your friends partners? A bit of forward thinking would go a long way.

dukedalton

The OP back again. Thanks for all the responses. I wasn't expecting that many!

I've decided to say nothing and just go myself. It will be less hassle in the long run, so I'll suck it up and go.

I understand what people are saying as regards the bride and groom only wanting people they know at their wedding, but personally, I think if you know someone well enough to ask them, it's not too much of a stretch to also ask the most important person in that persons life.

A couple of posters mentioned the money aspect. I generally give as a present the cost of the meal plus €100, so if it was me and one other, we would pay our way.

Ultimately I suppose it's different strokes for different folks.

Madam_X

Senna wrote: »

As the poster above you says "If I was invited to a wedding abroad without my husband then there is no way I would go it wouldnt matter whos wedding it was", and I think you'll find that is how most people would feel.
There is two distinctions here;
Wedding at home = Invited/don't invite who ever you want.
Wedding abroad = Invite partners or +1

To who ever said that not inviting partners to a wedding abroad was down to budget. You have picked a wedding abroad, you have chosen the most expensive option for your guests, why have you chosen the most awkward method of getting married if you cant even afford to invite your friends partners? A bit of forward thinking would go a long way.

I think anyone who won't know people at the wedding should be able to bring a +1. But those who do know people there shouldn't have the entitlement to bring a +1, unless they have a partner who is also known to the marrying couple.
Why, if the wedding is abroad and the guest knows people who'll be attending, should they get the right to bring their partner just because they're their partner, and the single people who know people there don't get to bring a +1? Special treatment for people with partners just because they're in a relationship?

dukedalton wrote: »

I think if you know someone well enough to ask them, it's not too much of a stretch to also ask the most important person in that persons life.

Why? What if the most important person in someone's life is their best friend or their child or a parent? Nobody would expect those people to be invited.

Senna

Someone said earlier about the "scene of entitlement" regarding weddings.
It works both ways, your wedding isn't anything special, its the same as every-other wedding that that couple have been to. Do you really think people should feel honoured to be invited to another wedding?? Do you really think it is some huge privilege that the guest should have to bend over backwards to accept?

The above is harsh but I think a bit of reality is needed here. The sad thing is, weddings are a lovely event, its how I make my living and it should be view equally from the B&G's perspective to the guests perspective. The B&G should be privileged that a guests wants to witness their big day and the guests should be privileged to be asked to share the day. Very sad that that seems lost on a lot of people in here.

Madam_X

Senna wrote: »

It works both ways, your wedding isn't anything special, its the same as every-other wedding that that couple have been to.

Agreed.

Do you really think people should feel honoured to be invited to another wedding?? Do you really think it is some huge privilege that the guest should have to bend over backwards to accept?

Absolutely not. Where does no +1 when the guest knows plenty there and the bride and groom don't know their partner at all come into this though?

weddings are a lovely event, its how I make my living and it should be view equally from the B&G's perspective to the guests perspective. The B&G should be privileged that a guests wants to witness their big day and the guests should be privileged to be asked to share the day. Very sad that that seems lost on a lot of people in here.

As per my question above.

I really cannot see how that indicates a lack of recognition that the B&G should feel grateful to guests for attending.
It's really not "sad". What's sad is that adults can't cope with going to a wedding, where they know people, without their partner.

The only reason people have a problem with it is: "It's the done thing" and questioning of it is alien to them.

Senna

Madam_X wrote: »

Absolutely not. Where does no +1 when the guest knows plenty there and the bride and groom don't know their partner at all come into this though?

Again, if its at home, no problem, invite who ever you want.
But abroad; you're looking at this from the invited persons perspective, i'm looking at it from the invited partners perspective. He/She is in this different country because that's where you have chosen to have your wedding, the partner knows no-one else in the country.

Madam_X wrote: »

As per my question above.

I really cannot see how that indicates a lack of recognition that the B&G should feel grateful to guests for attending.
It's really not "sad". What's sad is that adults can't cope with going to a wedding, where they know people, without their partner.

The only reason people have a problem with it is: "It's the done thing" and questioning of it is alien to them.

Again, I'm thinking of the non-invited partners who's yearly holiday is planned around your wedding and whether they want to go to the wedding or not, the least the B&G could do is invite them.

Madam_X wrote: »

.

The only reason people have a problem with it is: "It's the done thing" and questioning of it is alien to them.

Definitely not, everyday I'm trying to get B&G's to change from the usual pattern and be different. All I hear is "we have to do this, we have to do that, every wedding we been to has had X, so we must have X" and without putting the B&G off, I want them to change. Its their day, they choose how it goes, but the forefront of my mind is making the day enjoyable for their guests as much as it is enjoyable for themselves.

Daisy M

Madam_X wrote: »

Agreed.

Absolutely not. Where does no +1 when the guest knows plenty there and the bride and groom don't know their partner at all come into this though?

As per my question above.

I really cannot see how that indicates a lack of recognition that the B&G should feel grateful to guests for attending.
It's really not "sad". What's sad is that adults can't cope with going to a wedding, where they know people, without their partner.

The only reason people have a problem with it is: "It's the done thing" and questioning of it is alien to them.

For me it wouldnt be about been the done thing. It would be about a mutual respect. No one has said they cant cope without their partner there, its more that their partner their would make the day more enjoyable for them. There is no need to dramatise things and try and make out that people who would not like to be invited to a wedding without their partner are needy and clingy. Its similar to me asking what sort of friend you are when you would not like to make sure your friends attending your wedding will have the most enjoyable day possible.

Madam_X

Well yeh fair enough if you don't know other people there, but if a few of your friends were there, would that not be enough if the hypothetical bride and groom didn't wish to invite your husband because they don't know him at all and would prefer a small wedding just comprising friends and family?

It'd be your prerogative to get pissed off about it, but there is no onus on the bride and groom to invite him, nor do you have an entitlement to bring him.