I don't understand this

RossFixxxed · 21-01-2013 05:16PM

Provide a postal address and an apology and move on. It really seems like you are trying to live a Hollywood version of real life and that has been a big downfall. There's a term in psychology that eludes me at present where people's expectations get warped by media tropes.

You are still game playing, making a huge drama out of ordinary situations. As people get older they have less tolerance for this. I would be hovering around zero at this stage. Once I see/hear the 'well he knows that I think that he knows that she thinks that his brother said that I'm....' sort of thing I AM OUT immediately. I have no time for anything like that.

Blunter: he'd be mental to want to deal with any of that again. People aren't here to serve you. They are individual people with their own wants/needs/desires/likes/dislikes etc just like you. They don't like being jerked around and most won't waste time on it.

Get yourself a fellow drama queen, or work on growing up. Stop the excuses and reasons and have a look inwards. An honest one, warts and all. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself but commit to learning from this. The older you get the less this sort of thing will fly with people.

This is one of the few times a PI post makes me want to bang my head off the keyboard in frustration. Please try to see it from his point of view.

TL;DR: stop playing games. Grow up. Be honest with yourself. Empathise with people.

username123 · 21-01-2013 05:45PM

Personalissue0 wrote: »

bluewolf, I am too scared to call him. I will just text him my address, apologise for my behaviour and ask him if there's a chance he is willing to wipe the slate clean. If he says no, then I will let it go and hopefully learn from it.

Too scared to call him? Scared of what? That he wont answer? So what if he doesnt? That he will answer? Isnt that the point of ringing him? Why the unnecessary drama? Just ring.

All this business about texting and apologising and asking for a clean slate just comes off as more unnecessary drama and childish behaviour.

Treat people as you would like to be treated and try to be more true to yourself. You wont get into a nice relationship by pushing someone away and being a head wreck.

RossFixxxed · 21-01-2013 05:47PM

Personalissue0 wrote: »

bluewolf, I am too scared to call him. I will just text him my address, apologise for my behaviour and ask him if there's a chance he is willing to wipe the slate clean. If he says no, then I will let it go and hopefully learn from it.

I wouldn't even do that at this stage. Leave the poor guy alone. You will have to write the earrings off unless they have HUGE sentimental value. Text your address, and leave it at that. The fact you are scared to ring etc just suggests more drama again. Seriously leave the guy alone. It's dead in the water. Take a lesson and move on.

LegacyUser · 21-01-2013 05:59PM

RossFixxxed wrote: »

I wouldn't even do that at this stage. Leave the poor guy alone. You will have to write the earrings off unless they have HUGE sentimental value. Text your address, and leave it at that. The fact you are scared to ring etc just suggests more drama again. Seriously leave the guy alone. It's dead in the water. Take a lesson and move on.

I get it, I was unfair to him. I don't see how being scared to ring him constitutes more drama. Are you guys always so self assured and confident in your actions and thoughts? I am glad for you if you are but there's no need to make me feel worse than I already do about my actions. I was scared to ring him because if I were him I wouldn't want to give me another chance and the fact that I am to blame for this made it harder for me because I do want another chance.

I texted him. I apologised, I didn't mention starting again. I gave him my address. He responded and said I hadn't done anything wrong and I should stop being paranoid and he's just been busy.

wotsit · 21-01-2013 07:39PM

Personalissue0 wrote: »

I get it, I was unfair to him. I don't see how being scared to ring him constitutes more drama. Are you guys always so self assured and confident in your actions and thoughts? I am glad for you if you are but there's no need to make me feel worse than I already do about my actions. I was scared to ring him because if I were him I wouldn't want to give me another chance and the fact that I am to blame for this made it harder for me because I do want another chance.

I texted him. I apologised, I didn't mention starting again. I gave him my address. He responded and said I hadn't done anything wrong and I should stop being paranoid and he's just been busy.

Well done. Now all you have to do is make sure you don't compromise yourself by being FWB, and let him know that is why you apologised, for misleading him when you said that.
Friends with benefits is one sure way of getting used, it will lead to heartbreak if you're thinking it will lead to him respecting you, it won't.

You need a bit of work on your self confidence.

Overheal · 21-01-2013 08:38PM

Personalissue0 wrote: »

If I am honest with myself, I think it's because I always feel like the men who express any interest in me will finally come to their senses and see that I am not that pretty or that nice or that whatever and change their minds so I try to make a friendship connection if I really like them so that I don't get hurt and don't lose the connection. Obviously this has not worked.

I would like to change it but I don't really know how to stop over analysing or how to stop the drama. I don't even know what is the drama and what isn't.

Yes, that was obvious from your first post, even though the thread has mainly focused on your hot/cold interactions:

I am a young woman and I have been told by friends and family that I am personable, attractive and nice. I get a lot of attention from men but my problem is that even the keenest among them soon stops talking to me. What is it about me I wonder?

At home, I realised that I had left my earrings at his house so I texted him asking if he could mail them to me and he replied, '"I will give them to you in person when we next meet."

While I thought this was sweet, I didn't dwell too much on it because I was sure he was just saying that. Still, after this, we kept in touch, sometimes texting all through the day. We made plans to meet mid week but that fell through because I got so worried that he wouldn't fancy me the next time he saw me so I sent him a text saying that I had a plans with someone else and I couldn't make it. He jokingly asked if he should be jealous and I told him not at all. It was just a meet with a friend and nothing serious. We continued to text after this and I started to really like him. Because we got on so well, I started to get scared that if anything happened, I would lose him as a friend

All the familiar hallmarks of a crippling self confidence problem. The wrong inner monologue is winning your internal debates, telling you that people will suddenly change their mind about liking you from one day to the next, or convincing yourself that people are just saying things to take pity on you or something.

So there is something about you that you don't like, to the point where you think nobody else will like it about you either. I don't know you and I don't know what that something is. However, to borrow an old cliche', you have to love yourself first before anyone else can. Whatever it is, you have to come to realize it's entirely in your control to do something about it. For instance, if you have self confidence issues say about your weight, you have the option to truly come to acceptance with it (which is actually a great way to start gaining confidence - look at Kevin James' stand-up sometime) or you can get to the gym and get yourself in shape. Personally, I did both precisely in that order, coming to grips with it first and as I built genuine confidence in myself I went to the gym to get over the hurdle. Some things you won't be able to fix like that, in which case acceptance is your only option; ostensibly though, there is something you haven't reached acceptance with about yourself. You need to pinpoint that first.

Secondly, people are going to jump in and out of your life. That's life. It happens all the time. People die or move away or you move away or you have fallings out and thats just a part of life. Clearly you need to build up some emotional endurance around that. Some people get so wound up at an early age about a fear of rejection that they never try in the first place, for example. Eventually though you try, you have some missteps you get some of your feelings hurt but then you cauterize a little bit and you move on.

Getting your heart broken can hurt like a bitch but the key is realizing that if you let that control your life you're never going to be with anyone because there is always the chance things will not work out for some reason or another. Suck it up. Stop dipping your toes in already and just start swimming.

MissFlitworth · 21-01-2013 10:17PM

I think maybe some people who are replying to your post aren't aware of how dramatic the 'You're a headwrecker!' stuff is when loads of people pile on with it. Yes, what you did was annoying but you did it to someone you met once and only had text interaction with thereafter so it's hardly like you were sending mixed messages to your boyfriend of a year. So it didn't go well & it didn't go well because you threw every possible road block in your own way but you're not a bad person & that guy barely knows you so chances are you haven't done any lasting damage to him!

It may have been a horrible way to learn it but you've gotten yourself a bit of a life lesson, you can get just as badly hurt if you hold loads of yourself back and try and spend ages trying to wrangle things so that you close off every possible eventuality of getting hurt or someone not liking you as if you just go for it and see how a relationship or flirtation pans out for you. If someone asks you out chances are they like & fancy you, ok sometimes it won't work out, sometimes you'll meet up with a person you last saw with wine-blinkers on and either they or you just won't feel the spark but other times you're going to meet up with someone who fancies you like mad and wants to spend time with you. Either way you won't find out until you give yourself & the other person a chance! It may not be a go-er with this guy now but sure give it a whirl! If it doesn't work out chalk it down to experience and move in, don't beat yourself up over it, there are lots of other guys out there and if you're brave enough to follow through & actually meet up with them there's no reason you won't end up really happy.

LegacyUser · 21-01-2013 10:29PM

Overheal wrote: »

Yes, that was obvious from your first post, even though the thread has mainly focused on your hot/cold interactions:

All the familiar hallmarks of a crippling self confidence problem. The wrong inner monologue is winning your internal debates, telling you that people will suddenly change their mind about liking you from one day to the next, or convincing yourself that people are just saying things to take pity on you or something.

So there is something about you that you don't like, to the point where you think nobody else will like it about you either. I don't know you and I don't know what that something is. However, to borrow an old cliche', you have to love yourself first before anyone else can. Whatever it is, you have to come to realize it's entirely in your control to do something about it. For instance, if you have self confidence issues say about your weight, you have the option to truly come to acceptance with it (which is actually a great way to start gaining confidence - look at Kevin James' stand-up sometime) or you can get to the gym and get yourself in shape. Personally, I did both precisely in that order, coming to grips with it first and as I built genuine confidence in myself I went to the gym to get over the hurdle. Some things you won't be able to fix like that, in which case acceptance is your only option; ostensibly though, there is something you haven't reached acceptance with about yourself. You need to pinpoint that first.

Secondly, people are going to jump in and out of your life. That's life. It happens all the time. People die or move away or you move away or you have fallings out and thats just a part of life. Clearly you need to build up some emotional endurance around that. Some people get so wound up at an early age about a fear of rejection that they never try in the first place, for example. Eventually though you try, you have some missteps you get some of your feelings hurt but then you cauterize a little bit and you move on.

Getting your heart broken can hurt like a bitch but the key is realizing that if you let that control your life you're never going to be with anyone because there is always the chance things will not work out for some reason or another. Suck it up. Stop dipping your toes in already and just start swimming.

This post made me cry and inspired me at the same time.

You say you don't know me but you described how I feel down to a tee. I think the people who compliment me do it out of pity or because they can sense how much I hate myself and they feel sorry for me. Growing up, my mother told me almost every day that I am ugly, a waste of space and hard to love- it's hard to see myself any other way. The funny thing is now she constantly asks me why I have no confidence, saying, 'you're a pretty girl, why do you hide it?' I think she is riddled with guilt and compliments me to assuage said guilt. I am also terrified of rejection. I was dating a guy for a year and a half about a year and a half ago and I couldn't have sex or be intimate with him because I was afraid he would leave me. Every time he tried, I got a panic attack. In the end he left anyway.

Thank you Overheal. I knew most of this stuff already but your post struck a chord. I am going to concentrate on accepting and loving myself before I try to be with anyone else.

LegacyUser · 21-01-2013 10:41PM

MissFlitworth wrote: »

I think maybe some people who are replying to your post aren't aware of how dramatic the 'You're a headwrecker!' stuff is when loads of people pile on with it. Yes, what you did was annoying but you did it to someone you met once and only had text interaction with thereafter so it's hardly like you were sending mixed messages to your boyfriend of a year. So it didn't go well & it didn't go well because you threw every possible road block in your own way but you're not a bad person & that guy barely knows you so chances are you haven't done any lasting damage to him!

It may have been a horrible way to learn it but you've gotten yourself a bit of a life lesson, you can get just as badly hurt if you hold loads of yourself back and try and spend ages trying to wrangle things so that you close off every possible eventuality of getting hurt or someone not liking you as if you just go for it and see how a relationship or flirtation pans out for you. If someone asks you out chances are they like & fancy you, ok sometimes it won't work out, sometimes you'll meet up with a person you last saw with wine-blinkers on and either they or you just won't feel the spark but other times you're going to meet up with someone who fancies you like mad and wants to spend time with you. Either way you won't find out until you give yourself & the other person a chance! It may not be a go-er with this guy now but sure give it a whirl! If it doesn't work out chalk it down to experience and move in, don't beat yourself up over it, there are lots of other guys out there and if you're brave enough to follow through & actually meet up with them there's no reason you won't end up really happy.

He's been texting me back like nothing happened. It's just general conversation, nothing about me or him or how come we haven't talked in two weeks. He's a really nice person but I think that whatever chances I had with him, I destroyed with the back and forth. Yes, he's talking to me but I can feel from his texts that it's just because I got in touch. I just sent him a text that required no response and I think I will leave it at that.

The posters above are right. I felt a little attacked by some of the responses on here but they are right- I need to stop being so inward-looking and consider that I am not the only one who could get hurt and other people are not there to be my emotional props.

I honestly didn't know that that's what I was doing. I couldn't see beyond my own thought process. I will make a conscious effort to do so from now on. Thank you for the positive message.

a posse ad esse · 21-01-2013 11:12PM

This is not about being a "headwreck", I think it is more about your fear of rejection and your irrational beliefs consequently turn you to the "headwreck". What is about rejection that you fear most? You need to dispute these beliefs and look into some positives of rejection (believe me they exist). I really think how badly someone who handles rejection does hinder personal and interpersonal relationships and growth. I suggest speaking with a counsellor that specialises in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) would be really helpful for you.

As for this guy and dating in general, I honestly think it is best to take a step back until you figure this out in further detail with a counsellor.

Chara1001 · 21-01-2013 11:26PM

I think you've really taken in what people have said here, as difficult to read as it was- hats off to you OP it can't have been easy reading.
Home truths can hurt to hear, but you got sound and practical advice which will really help you out in the future if you take them on board, and it sounds as though you will- you got a difficult question that had been wrecking YOUR head answered.
Good luck and all the best

22-01-2013 12:03AM

Personalissue0 wrote: »

He's been texting me back like nothing happened. It's just general conversation, nothing about me or him or how come we haven't talked in two weeks. He's a really nice person but I think that whatever chances I had with him, I destroyed with the back and forth. Yes, he's talking to me but I can feel from his texts that it's just because I got in touch. I just sent him a text that required no response and I think I will leave it at that.

The posters above are right. I felt a little attacked by some of the responses on here but they are right- I need to stop being so inward-looking and consider that I am not the only one who could get hurt and other people are not there to be my emotional props.

I honestly didn't know that that's what I was doing. I couldn't see beyond my own thought process. I will make a conscious effort to do so from now on. Thank you for the positive message.

No need to be such a martyr. No one was killed, and you're still in contact. You obviously like him so text and ask him for a friendly drink sometime. If ye get on ye get on. If not you took a chance and no harm done. If he's not interested at least you know

Overheal · 22-01-2013 12:13AM

Personalissue0 wrote: »

This post made me cry and inspired me at the same time.

You say you don't know me but you described how I feel down to a tee. I think the people who compliment me do it out of pity or because they can sense how much I hate myself and they feel sorry for me. Growing up, my mother told me almost every day that I am ugly, a waste of space and hard to love- it's hard to see myself any other way. The funny thing is now she constantly asks me why I have no confidence, saying, 'you're a pretty girl, why do you hide it?' I think she is riddled with guilt and compliments me to assuage said guilt. I am also terrified of rejection. I was dating a guy for a year and a half about a year and a half ago and I couldn't have sex or be intimate with him because I was afraid he would leave me. Every time he tried, I got a panic attack. In the end he left anyway.

Thank you Overheal. I knew most of this stuff already but your post struck a chord. I am going to concentrate on accepting and loving myself before I try to be with anyone else.

My Dad did similar by putting me down about my weight issues. I still remember the most upsetting thing was when I was coming down with a chest infection; before we actually found out he just assumed the reason I was breathless and wheezing a lot was because I was too fat, he had a huge outburst at me for breathing too heavily at the dinner table. After the diagnoses, he never once acknowledged what he did or apologize. Even if you asked him today he'd get defensive about it. A year before that though when I started going to the gym as a school activity he complained about having to drive me there, so I quit promptly. Many years later I find it really disconcerting that this same person is trying to show interest or encouragement that I'm taking better care of myself. As for relationships I was always the oppossite way, where I'd try to get to intimate too quickly; probably both because I was afraid they'd change their mind about me before too long, but mainly because I was desperate for the kind of validation that I wasn't even giving myself. I have changed so much.

It takes less time and effort than you might imagine too, it's just about making the right kind of time and effort. Please trust me: you don't have to go looking for that other person, once you've started taking care of you, the way you deserve to be taken care of, they'll find you. And the special trick to that too is that even if it takes a while, its not going to matter to you by the time its all said and done, because you'll still be happy just being you and much to your surprise you won't need someone else to define your happiness.

Best of luck

I don't understand this

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