I don't understand this

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I have a personal query for which I would appreciate different perspectives. I apologise in advance for the lengthy post.

I am a young woman and I have been told by friends and family that I am personable, attractive and nice. I get a lot of attention from men but my problem is that even the keenest among them soon stops talking to me. What is it about me I wonder? I realise that you cannot diagnose my problem because you don't know me so I will tell you a little about the last man I was 'sort of' seeing (I use the phrase very very loosely) and maybe that will give you some idea of my situation.

I met Xman on a night out a couple of weeks before Christmas. I was waiting for a cab and so was he. He started talking to me while we waited and the conversation went on for another hour. He isn't really my type but he was funny and smart so I thought I would give him a chance. He asked me to come home with him and even though I am not normally spontaneous, I decided to take the risk. We went back to his house, fooled around a little, chatted some more and then finally fell asleep. We didn't have sex although it got pretty intense. When I was leaving in the morning, he asked for my number and I gave it to him.

At home, I realised that I had left my earrings at his house so I texted him asking if he could mail them to me and he replied, '"I will give them to you in person when we next meet."

While I thought this was sweet, I didn't dwell too much on it because I was sure he was just saying that. Still, after this, we kept in touch, sometimes texting all through the day. We made plans to meet mid week but that fell through because I got so worried that he wouldn't fancy me the next time he saw me so I sent him a text saying that I had a plans with someone else and I couldn't make it. He jokingly asked if he should be jealous and I told him not at all. It was just a meet with a friend and nothing serious. We continued to text after this and I started to really like him. Because we got on so well, I started to get scared that if anything happened, I would lose him as a friend so I told him that I really like him as a friend and that even if we were to have sex we should probably just be friends with benefits- that way we can keep the friendship and not have the pressure of a relationship. He seemed to like the idea and even though we hadn't made plans to meet yet, we talked everyday, sometimes well into the night. After a while though, the frequency of the conversations started to wane. Then I noticed that he mostly texted me late at night when he wanted to talk about sex or stuff relating to sex. Then the texts stopped being so frequent. Then he stopped responding immediately to my texts and would sometimes go days without saying anything. Before Christmas, he called me while out (I had stayed in) and said he wanted to come over to my place. His actual words were, 'let's ****.' Obviously, I didn't want to be a booty call so I said no. He then said, "don't say I didn't try." He went home for the holidays and I didn't hear from him until almost three weeks later when I texted and told him I was worried about him since I didn't know if he was okay. He replied a few days later saying he had lost his phone over the holidays. We talked again but I could feel that something had changed and I told him so. He told me to not over analyse and that everything was fine. We exchanged a few sporadic texts after this and then I asked him if he wanted to meet for a meal as mates. I told him that I didn't want the FWB arrangement that we had talked about before Christmas and I just wanted to get to know him and spend some time with him as friends. He said it sounded tempting and he would get back to me. That was the last I heard from him.

I have since texted him thrice with no response . That was about a couple of weeks back and I won't text him again. I am not sure what I did wrong but obviously he doesn't like me anymore.

I guess my question is, is it me or should I stop worrying and it could have been anything and it was out of my control?

Op,

I told him that I really like him as a friend and that even if we were to have sex we should probably just be friends with benefits

so then he agrees and you change your mind again:

Obviously, I didn't want to be a booty call so I said no

I think you need to be clearer what you want, stop cancelling dates last minute with excuses if you're actually interested, stop saying you only want sex then deciding you don't want that either, and sending very mixed signals.
You repeatedly made it clear you weren't interested in him and he backed off accordingly.
If you want to make friends with people, meet them as friends, not as date - sex - nothing but maybe let's be friends until I change my mind again. If you want a boyfriend, don't say "let's just be friends".

CaraMay

Op you have been really messing him around. Do you want to be just his f-buddy or do you want a relationship?

banie01

OP, I agree with the previous posters.
From what you outlined ye met, had a nice a night and then you proceeded to send a whole bunch of mixed signals.
You couldn't make up your mind on when ye would meet again let alone what type of relationship it would be treated as.
And thinking that what happened could go from

We went back to his house, fooled around a little, chatted some more and then finally fell asleep. We didn't have sex although it got pretty intense.

to this

Because we got on so well, I started to get scared that if anything happened, I would lose him as a friend

Is incredibly niave!
Ye met, ye hooked up....Then after keeping in contact and this bloke assuming that this was developing, and not into a friendship.
You cancel a meeting/date....start discussing sex and the effect it would have on this friendship and why it might be a bad idea...
And now you are confused when he hasn't contacted you?
To my mind at least its fairly obvious why...
He doesn't want a friend, he may have wanted a girlfriend.
But he certainly doesn't want someone who blows hot and cold and can go from wanting sex to wanting friendship to wanting nothing and all the way around again.
You made it clear you didn't want a relationship with him and he backed off.
What should he have done?
Accepted the "friendzone" when considering the circumstances of how ye met, he would likely never have considered it as a friendship but more a potential relationship.
Even your description of

the last man I was 'sort of' seeing (I use the phrase very very loosely)

is very misleading....
You had a hookup and then strung him along while trying to make your mind up on what you wanted.
I know this is going to come across as blunt and crass.
But.
If your OP is a good outline of the way this situation developed, then what did you expect him to do?
Wait for you to make up your mind, while you played games? Cancelling a meeting, wanting sex, not wanting sex, lets not a harm our friendship, all this after hooking up in the 1st place?
He most likely assumed, you were either playing games or stringing him along and he likely wanted neither of those.
Take Bluewolfs advice.

I think you need to be clearer what you want, stop cancelling dates last minute with excuses if you're actually interested, stop saying you only want sex then deciding you don't want that either, and sending very mixed signals.
You repeatedly made it clear you weren't interested in him and he backed off accordingly.
If you want to make friends with people, meet them as friends, not as date - sex - nothing but maybe let's be friends until I change my mind again. If you want a boyfriend, don't say "let's just be friends".

Because I'll be honest speaking as a man, I would have cut contact with you even sooner than he did and so would a lot of other guys I know.

Personalissue0

Personalissue0 wrote: »

"don't say I didn't try."

He was right.

Sorry OP, but the problem isn't out of your control. You actively pushed him away, and messed him around quite a bit.

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree with the other posters, you sent him so many mixed signals.

Did I read your post right and you actually only met face to face once?

CaraMay

You ask why men stop talking to you. Do you treat them all like this - with mixed messages and cancelling dates? If so, there is your answer.

MikeCork2009

I have to agree with the other posters. You messed this guy about too much and he got tired of it and moved on.

I think you should have been clear about what you wanted from the outset and hopefully you can learn from this case and not make the same mistakes next time.

Merkin

I'm geniuinely puzzled as to why your thread title is "I don't understand this".

Are you genuinely that naive and unaware of the consequences of your behaviour? Do you mind me asking what age you are? Also, what is it that you are looking for? Would you like to meet a nice guy and have a boyfriend or are you just looking for some fun and someone dependable for casual sex? You'd really want to make up your mind.

Also, I'm perplexed as to why you'd think you'd ruin a "friendship" by going on a date with someone you'd been exchanging texts with a wet week. This does not define a friendship. What a strange way to view the world. This situation has been entirely of your own making with you leading this man along, giving out mixed signals, being dismissive of his advances and ultimately lying to him.

If this type of situation is recurrent then I'd take some time out entirely to work on what it is you want exactly and also try and have a think about how your behaviour impacts on other people. I am sorry to be harsh but I only say that because you seem so frighteningly unaware of your own behaviour and the way you interact with people and what impact that has. You might not have the maturity just yet to conduct a relationship and that's fine. Better to establish that now then fling yourself from one disaster to another and perpetually wondering why they keeping going awol.

ElleEm

I agree with the other posters.
You seemed to confusing him with your "let's meet up", "I can't meet up", "let's be f!ck buddies", "I don't wanna be f!ck buddies", "let's be friends".
It just seems like a lot of drama for nothing.
You were never friends with him, you started your relationship as an intimate one, so how did you think you would start/ maintain a friendship with him?

Chalk this one down to experience.

Noone (normal!) likes drama. Next time you meet a guy, you will either like him or not. If you like him, go on a date with him. Be honest and don't wonder "does he like me? Does he still fancy me?" etc. If he likes you he will be with you, if he doesn't, he won't.

Wibbs

Personalissue0 wrote: »

I guess my question is, is it me or should I stop worrying and it could have been anything and it was out of my control?

Generally it takes two to tango, but in this case and in my humble of course it was you and pretty much the majority of it was well in your control.

Given it seems this isn't the first time and appears to be a consistent thing

I get a lot of attention from men but my problem is that even the keenest among them soon stops talking to me.

and you want to change this, then you have to take some ownership of the problem.

In this case buy your description, there were a lot of mixed signals coming from your end, his signals were in direct response to those. While I wouldn't particularly worry about it, I would as I said take ownership of the situation rather than fall back on the "out of my control/it was fate/etc" stuff, learn from it, find out what you actually want from romantic/sexual relationships and apply that to your life going forward, or you'll be stuck in the loop you find yourself in now.

AnonoBoy

You seem to be saying things like "I really starting liking him" based on only texts.

From my reading of it you've only met this guy in person once? And since then you've gone from thinking you really liked him and being nervous about him not fancying you to you dismissing him as a partner to thinking you wanted him as a friend but nothing more to thinking you wanted him as a friend with benefits.

To be honest it's no wonder he's stopped texting you. You're all over the shop with regards to what you want and I would think he's completely bemused as to what's going on.

If you'd met up with him for a drink without all of the pre-planning of what you were going to define your relationship as then maybe you'd be a lot further down the road now and both of ye would have a much clearer idea of what was going on.

Stop over-analysing things.

Sometimes you just need to go with things and see what happens.

Think about this: If you had actually gone through with the initial date that you cancelled, you might have discovered a great new friend, a fantastic partner or discovered that the spark wasn't there and decided to not see each other again. But the thing is, you'd know by now or at least you'd be someway towards knowing.

Stop with all the texting nonsense and actually get out and meet people face to face. That's the only way you can really judge what someone is like and what you want your relationship with them to be.

RossFixxxed

To be blunt I didn't want to finish reading your post about it let alone be the guy in that situation. He must be a patient man, I would have run a mile away.

It should be clear by now you caused the situation, and you have control over these situations. This isn't fun advice but you need to do it: Take a long hard look at yourself and wonder is it men who are wrong, or your behaviour and attitude?

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Op,


so then he agrees and you change your mind again:


I think you need to be clearer what you want, stop cancelling dates last minute with excuses if you're actually interested, stop saying you only want sex then deciding you don't want that either, and sending very mixed signals.
You repeatedly made it clear you weren't interested in him and he backed off accordingly.
If you want to make friends with people, meet them as friends, not as date - sex - nothing but maybe let's be friends until I change my mind again. If you want a boyfriend, don't say "let's just be friends".

When you put it like that, you're right, it does look like I was sending mixed signals but I didn't see it that way at the time. Our conversations swung from FWBs type texts to 'just friends' to the serious kind so I was constantly wondering which direction we were taking. I didn't want to freak him out by letting him know I liked him and wanted to see him in a potential boyfriend capacity which is why I suggested the FWB option. I also initiated the texts more often than not, so I wasn't sure if he liked me and I didn't want to risk telling him how I really felt about the situation in the event he rejected me.

You didn't have to let him know anything via text, you just had to show up on the already-arranged date. Stop texting so much, definitely stop over analysing, and if you like someone, go on a date with them. Take it from there.
This:

I didn't want to freak him out by letting him know I liked him and wanted to see him in a potential boyfriend capacity which is why I suggested the FWB option

was swinging way too hard in the opposite direction.

Now you know for next time. You are not friends with someone you've just met and are intending to date, there is no friendship there, so don't try acting like there is. Keep it simple.

CaraMay

Don't suggest a scenario eg FWB if you don't want it. Ask for what you want and if you don't get it move on....

ElleEm

Personalissue0 wrote: »

When you put it like that, you're right, it does look like I was sending mixed signals but I didn't see it that way at the time. Our conversations swung from FWBs type texts to 'just friends' to the serious kind so I was constantly wondering which direction we were taking. I didn't want to freak him out by letting him know I liked him and wanted to see him in a potential boyfriend capacity which is why I suggested the FWB option. I also initiated the texts more often than not, so I wasn't sure if he liked me and I didn't want to risk telling him how I really felt about the situation in the event he rejected me.

That just sounds like you were both getting to know each other better. You started off being intimate (obviously not sexually, but you know what I mean), so that's obviously why the texts were of a FWB nature- cos that's where you started. Then I would imagine the texts got less sexualised and more friendly cos you are learning more about each other.

You have to look at it from his perspective, you knocked him back twice (date and the booty call), and he STILL text you, even though you hadn't a clue what you wanted. I'm sure he has moved on, looking to find someone who is less "work".

I know all the replies may seem a bit harsh here, but please take something from it. Just be clearer in your intentions.

Merkin

Personalissue0 wrote: »

When you put it like that, you're right, it does look like I was sending mixed signals but I didn't see it that way at the time. Our conversations swung from FWBs type texts to 'just friends' to the serious kind so I was constantly wondering which direction we were taking. I didn't want to freak him out by letting him know I liked him and wanted to see him in a potential boyfriend capacity which is why I suggested the FWB option. I also initiated the texts more often than not, so I wasn't sure if he liked me and I didn't want to risk telling him how I really felt about the situation in the event he rejected me.

Aside from all the unncessary drama and headmelting carry-on, you might also want to examine why you have invested so much time and emotional energy into something casual and to someone you merely met once drunk on a night out. You only exchanged a few texts with him and yet you "liked him" and were viewing him as a "potential boyfriend". This was apparently all gleaned from a few texts. Maybe that's another reason (on top of everything else) why they are going awol unfortunately.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I'm geniuinely puzzled as to why your thread title is "I don't understand this".

Are you genuinely that naive and unaware of the consequences of your behaviour? Do you mind me asking what age you are? Also, what is it that you are looking for? Would you like to meet a nice guy and have a boyfriend or are you just looking for some fun and someone dependable for casual sex? You'd really want to make up your mind.

Also, I'm perplexed as to why you'd think you'd ruin a "friendship" by going on a date with someone you'd been exchanging texts with a wet week. This does not define a friendship. What a strange way to view the world. This situation has been entirely of your own making with you leading this man along, giving out mixed signals, being dismissive of his advances and ultimately lying to him.

If this type of situation is recurrent then I'd take some time out entirely to work on what it is you want exactly and also try and have a think about how your behaviour impacts on other people. I am sorry to be harsh but I only say that because you seem so frighteningly unaware of your own behaviour and the way you interact with people and what impact that has. You might not have the maturity just yet to conduct a relationship and that's fine. Better to establish that now then fling yourself from one disaster to another and perpetually wondering why they keeping going awol.

Thank you for the response- I appreciate it. I genuinely didn't see it how everyone here seems to be saying it was. I am in my late twenties. I would prefer a boyfriend but because I don't have much dating experience, sometimes I think it would be better if I tried just dating for a while so I can get some experience which is what I was trying to do with this. Although now that I have read the responses, it's obvious I need to step back and reassess myself first before getting into anything.

I didn't think I was sending him mixed signals. I just didn't want to freak him out by saying I liked him especially not knowing what he wanted.

I've met people before with whom I've had such a strong instant connection where I knew we would be life long friends. I am not saying this is the case with Xman but I really liked talking to him and I didn't want that to end so even though I was also attracted to him, because I wasn't sure if he was attracted to me, I decided that the friend option would be the safer route if I wanted to keep talking to him.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for the responses. It's hard to hear that I'm a 'headmelt' but I guess I needed to hear it. I didn't think I was one of those people . I don't want to be. If I am honest with myself, I think it's because I always feel like the men who express any interest in me will finally come to their senses and see that I am not that pretty or that nice or that whatever and change their minds so I try to make a friendship connection if I really like them so that I don't get hurt and don't lose the connection. Obviously this has not worked.

I would like to change it but I don't really know how to stop over analysing or how to stop the drama. I don't even know what is the drama and what isn't.

Sleepy

Stop trying to justify your actions with your insecurities.

Do you know how happy couples get together? They take a chance on each other. No strategising, game playing, trying to define things before it's time for the "are we exclusive?" conversation, no holding back in case they get hurt etc. etc. etc.

Basically: forget everything womens magazines, Hollywood movies or novels have told you about "how to get a man". Just go out and meet people and see which ones you want to spend more time around and see if they're open to that. If they are, don't play hard to get, don't let silly hang-ups talk you out of meeting up with them.

What would be the worst thing that could have happened on that date you were supposed to go on? He didn't fancy you sober (or vice versa), he let you down politely (or vice versa) and you never saw each other again?

Wouldn't that be preferable to having known you've utterly messed him around? To having a text "relationship" with someone that amounts to little more than one of those "Chat and Date" services you see advertised by scantily clad women on late-night television?

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote: »

Stop trying to justify your actions with your insecurities.

Do you know how happy couples get together? They take a chance on each other. No strategising, game playing, trying to define things before it's time for the "are we exclusive?" conversation, no holding back in case they get hurt etc. etc. etc.

Basically: forget everything womens magazines, Hollywood movies or novels have told you about "how to get a man". Just go out and meet people and see which ones you want to spend more time around and see if they're open to that. If they are, don't play hard to get, don't let silly hang-ups talk you out of meeting up with them.

What would be the worst thing that could have happened on that date you were supposed to go on? He didn't fancy you sober (or vice versa), he let you down politely (or vice versa) and you never saw each other again?

Wouldn't that be preferable to having known you've utterly messed him around? To having a text "relationship" with someone that amounts to little more than one of those "Chat and Date" services you see advertised by scantily clad women on late-night television?

I was just saying what I thought might be the reason for the trend in my relationships with men- I didn't say that my actions were justified and neither was I condoning them.

Thanks for the advice.

username123

Personalissue0 wrote: »

....so I try to make a friendship connection if I really like them so that I don't get hurt and don't lose the connection. Obviously this has not worked.

Totally headwrecking behaviour. You meet someone who you view as a potential 'romantic' partner and after some initial physical contact you tell them you only want to be friends - and shut them down.

If they wanted to only be friends they wouldnt have put the moves on you in the first place, you are simply insulting them to tell them they are now in the friend zone after you have had physical contact with them.

You are making excuses for your own issues. Stop trying to protect yourself so much and be open to romantic relations with people and you may find that relationships are not such hard work. All the over analysing, projecting, self protecting, head wrecking behaviour is simply unnecessary.

ViveLaVie

Personalissue0 wrote: »

Thank you for the response- I appreciate it. I genuinely didn't see it how everyone here seems to be saying it was. I am in my late twenties. I would prefer a boyfriend but because I don't have much dating experience, sometimes I think it would be better if I tried just dating for a while so I can get some experience which is what I was trying to do with this. Although now that I have read the responses, it's obvious I need to step back and reassess myself first before getting into anything.

I didn't think I was sending him mixed signals. I just didn't want to freak him out by saying I liked him especially not knowing what he wanted.

I've met people before with whom I've had such a strong instant connection where I knew we would be life long friends. I am not saying this is the case with Xman but I really liked talking to him and I didn't want that to end so even though I was also attracted to him, because I wasn't sure if he was attracted to me, I decided that the friend option would be the safer route if I wanted to keep talking to him.

I don't understand how your actions make any kind of logical sense to you. You liked him and he was texting you. He'd already been intimate with you and made it clear he wanted to meet up. You agreed and arranged a time - and then you blew him off and said you had made alternative plans instead. How on earth can you rationalise that you did this because you liked him? These are the actions of a disinterested person. Do you not realise how rude that was?

Then you told him you wanted to be friends with benefits - and said you did this because you wanted a relationship. That makes no sense! Why would you stunt the development of a proper relationship for a casual sexual arrangement if you really just want the proper relationship?

Then, when he tried to initiate the friends with benefits arrangement that you said you wanted, you got offended and shut him down!

And then you said you wanted to be just friends. Can you not see how his head must have been absolutely wrecked by you at this point?

Your problem is you worry too much about looking foolish so you sabotage any potential relationship before they can. Try to relax and just go on the date the next time. Enjoy it for what it is and don't over think it!

Merkin

Thank you for the response- I appreciate it. I genuinely didn't see it how everyone here seems to be saying it was. I am in my late twenties. I would prefer a boyfriend but because I don't have much dating experience, sometimes I think it would be better if I tried just dating for a while so I can get some experience which is what I was trying to do with this. Although now that I have read the responses, it's obvious I need to step back and reassess myself first before getting into anything.

I'm shocked that you weren't aware that it was your own behaviour turning these men away but I guess you must have had some inkling to have motivated you to post here in the first place! In trying to get that experience you refer to above you have sabotaged it for yourself by over-thinking it and making it into a drama it didn't need to be. Experience is organic and comes through putting yourself out there and taking the good with the bad. You have (with your lack of experienced) second guessed every choice at every juncture (badly) and in the process ruined it for yourself.

I didn't think I was sending him mixed signals. I just didn't want to freak him out by saying I liked him especially not knowing what he wanted.

Again I think this might be your lack of experience being apparent but Whooooaaaaaaa there for a minute. You had a fumble with a guy, exchanged a few texts and then you're talking about liking him and wondering what he wants. :eek: It's wayyyy too early to be even thinking about things like that. You should have gone on the date with him and see what happens. And what about what YOU want? You simply cannot make a judgement on someone based on a few hours in their company and on a few late night texts. Do you think that perhaps you are also blindsided by the fact that you really desperately want to meet someone? You're investing too much in this considering you only met the guy fleetingly.

I've met people before with whom I've had such a strong instant connection where I knew we would be life long friends.

I've met people too where I've struck up an instant rapport. However a lifelong friendship comes from being through the wars with someone, knowing them at their very worst and proving to be loyal when the chips are down. Again, you seem to be investing a disproportionate amount of energy into these "instant" connections which leads me to wonder if you've not been watching too many romcoms and are confusing life with reality.

I am not saying this is the case with Xman but I really liked talking to him and I didn't want that to end so even though I was also attracted to him, because I wasn't sure if he was attracted to me, I decided that the friend option would be the safer route if I wanted to keep talking to him.

This is proposterous. How on earth were you to know if he was attracted to you if you turned him down when he asked you out? That's warped reasoning and that's why I think you really need to be very clear on what it is you want before engaging with another guy.

If you want to meet someone you have to give it time. You meet someone where there is a mutual attraction and you SEE WHAT HAPPENS. Above all you don't play mindgames as that will have any sane person with a shred of dignity and self-preservation running a mile. You sound like a nice girl albeit hugely misguided and naive so if you want to meet someone you need to wipe the slate clean and stop trying to play games where none need to be played. Stop with the texting. If someone asks you out go out with them. Don't send guess it. And if you want to see them again and they ask say yes please, that would be lovely. There doesn't NEED to be the drama.

Ando's Saggy Bottom

To be blunt OP any man I know would run a mile if treated in the contradictory and confusing way you treated this chap. You need to take a look at why you're acting this way.

LegacyUser

ViveLaVie wrote: »

I don't understand how your actions make any kind of logical sense to you. You liked him and he was texting you. He'd already been intimate with you and made it clear he wanted to meet up. You agreed and arranged a time - and then you blew him off and said you had made alternative plans instead. How on earth can you rationalise that you did this because you liked him? These are the actions of a disinterested person. Do you not realise how rude that was?

Then you told him you wanted to be friends with benefits - and said you did this because you wanted a relationship. That makes no sense! Why would you stunt the development of a proper relationship for a casual sexual arrangement if you really just want the proper relationship?

Then, when he tried to initiate the friends with benefits arrangement that you said you wanted, you got offended and shut him down!

And then you said you wanted to be just friends. Can you not see how his head must have been absolutely wrecked by you at this point?

Your problem is you worry too much about looking foolish so you sabotage any potential relationship before they can. Try to relax and just go on the date the next time. Enjoy it for what it is and don't over think it!

I have read this post and Merkins and others down the line about three times now and arranged in such a logical sequence, I don't even know how I thought my actions made sense but at the time, I thought they did. I feel really bad now. I really liked him too.

eI know everyone here is asking how I can like someone I met once and that it was too soon, but I was not drunk that night, I had had one or two drinks over a period of 7 hours and he wasn't drunk either. Also, I stayed at his place until 11 am. We got up pretty early and just stayed in bed chatting and fooling around. It wasn't like we had a conversation for an hour, slept and then I left immediately after getting up. There was no awkwardness in the morning and it felt really natural.

I need to get out of my head and stop being self centered. It's going to be hard to break the habit as this has been happening for a few years now. I am tempted to call him and apologise and see if he would be willing to go on a date with me but that is probably an even worse idea. He still has my earrings which were a present from a really close friend and I will eventually have to get them back. Should I use that as an excuse to talk to him or just let it go?

ElleEm

Personalissue0 wrote: »

I have read this post and Merkins and others down the line about three times now and arranged in such a logical sequence, I don't even know how I thought my actions made sense but at the time, I thought they did. I feel really bad now. I really liked him too.

eI know everyone here is asking how I can like someone I met once and that it was too soon, but I was not drunk that night, I had had one or two drinks over a period of 7 hours and he wasn't drunk either. Also, I stayed at his place until 11 am. We got up pretty early and just stayed in bed chatting and fooling around. It wasn't like we had a conversation for an hour, slept and then I left immediately after getting up. There was no awkwardness in the morning and it felt really natural.

I need to get out of my head and stop being self centered. It's going to be hard to break the habit as this has been happening for a few years now. I am tempted to call him and apologise and see if he would be willing to go on a date with me but that is probably an even worse idea. He still has my earrings which were a present from a really close friend and I will eventually have to get them back. Should I use that as an excuse to talk to him or just let it go?

Again, you're getting into games and stuff. Getting your earrings back should be the full focus of the reason you contact him, as that is what you want. Text him and give him your address for posting the earrings to. If he wants to take it further, then that is great, but right now, he probably thinks that you're a bit of a drama queen who has messed him around.

He is likely think that you left the earrings on purpose to ensure further contact (I have seen/ heard this being done A MILLION times with jewelry/make up/ coats,etc.), and that the earrings make a good "excuse" for you to contact him. That is the sort of "head- melter" stuff people are referring to on this thread.

Send him a short, to- the- point text asking him to post the earrings and leave it at that.

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe call him, one last time. Apologise for your behaviour and ask him if he's still willing to meet up.

Promise him: no more messing about.

It might work out, it might not..but as it stands it's definitely not going to work, so you have nothing to lose.

If it doesn't work out with this guy, it might work out with the next.

Just relax, and enjoy things for the moment that they are - if they progress, that's a bonus!

I'd suggest it if you could manage to ring - RING - and say you're calling for 2 reasons, one is the earrings, one is to apologise for your behaviour, you weren't playing games, and you don't know what you were thinking. The chances of you getting a date with him now are almost certainly zero, but you can try ask for a date and if he'd be willing to wipe the slate clean if you like. Do NOT under any circumstances say the word "friend" if you do!

Looking for earrings as an "excuse to talk to him" is going to come across as more game playing and that you're not actually interested in getting them back.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

I'd suggest it if you could manage to ring - RING - and say you're calling for 2 reasons, one is the earrings, one is to apologise for your behaviour, you weren't playing games, and you don't know what you were thinking. The chances of you getting a date with him now are almost certainly zero, but you can try ask for a date and if he'd be willing to wipe the slate clean if you like. Do NOT under any circumstances say the word "friend" if you do!

Looking for earrings as an "excuse to talk to him" is going to come across as more game playing and that you're not actually interested in getting them back.

Thanks bluewolf, Big Bag of Chips, ElleEm and everyone else. ElleEm, I didn't mean for that to sound like I want to play more games. I don't, I never did. But how else am I supposed to contact him without coming off as a crazy person if I've texted thrice with no response?

bluewolf, I am too scared to call him. I will just text him my address, apologise for my behaviour and ask him if there's a chance he is willing to wipe the slate clean. If he says no, then I will let it go and hopefully learn from it.

Thanks again everyone.

RossFixxxed

Provide a postal address and an apology and move on. It really seems like you are trying to live a Hollywood version of real life and that has been a big downfall. There's a term in psychology that eludes me at present where people's expectations get warped by media tropes.

You are still game playing, making a huge drama out of ordinary situations. As people get older they have less tolerance for this. I would be hovering around zero at this stage. Once I see/hear the 'well he knows that I think that he knows that she thinks that his brother said that I'm....' sort of thing I AM OUT immediately. I have no time for anything like that.

Blunter: he'd be mental to want to deal with any of that again. People aren't here to serve you. They are individual people with their own wants/needs/desires/likes/dislikes etc just like you. They don't like being jerked around and most won't waste time on it.

Get yourself a fellow drama queen, or work on growing up. Stop the excuses and reasons and have a look inwards. An honest one, warts and all. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself but commit to learning from this. The older you get the less this sort of thing will fly with people.

This is one of the few times a PI post makes me want to bang my head off the keyboard in frustration. Please try to see it from his point of view.

TL;DR: stop playing games. Grow up. Be honest with yourself. Empathise with people.

username123

Personalissue0 wrote: »

bluewolf, I am too scared to call him. I will just text him my address, apologise for my behaviour and ask him if there's a chance he is willing to wipe the slate clean. If he says no, then I will let it go and hopefully learn from it.

Too scared to call him? Scared of what? That he wont answer? So what if he doesnt? That he will answer? Isnt that the point of ringing him? Why the unnecessary drama? Just ring.

All this business about texting and apologising and asking for a clean slate just comes off as more unnecessary drama and childish behaviour.

Treat people as you would like to be treated and try to be more true to yourself. You wont get into a nice relationship by pushing someone away and being a head wreck.

RossFixxxed

Personalissue0 wrote: »

bluewolf, I am too scared to call him. I will just text him my address, apologise for my behaviour and ask him if there's a chance he is willing to wipe the slate clean. If he says no, then I will let it go and hopefully learn from it.

I wouldn't even do that at this stage. Leave the poor guy alone. You will have to write the earrings off unless they have HUGE sentimental value. Text your address, and leave it at that. The fact you are scared to ring etc just suggests more drama again. Seriously leave the guy alone. It's dead in the water. Take a lesson and move on.

LegacyUser

RossFixxxed wrote: »

I wouldn't even do that at this stage. Leave the poor guy alone. You will have to write the earrings off unless they have HUGE sentimental value. Text your address, and leave it at that. The fact you are scared to ring etc just suggests more drama again. Seriously leave the guy alone. It's dead in the water. Take a lesson and move on.

I get it, I was unfair to him. I don't see how being scared to ring him constitutes more drama. Are you guys always so self assured and confident in your actions and thoughts? I am glad for you if you are but there's no need to make me feel worse than I already do about my actions. I was scared to ring him because if I were him I wouldn't want to give me another chance and the fact that I am to blame for this made it harder for me because I do want another chance.

I texted him. I apologised, I didn't mention starting again. I gave him my address. He responded and said I hadn't done anything wrong and I should stop being paranoid and he's just been busy.

wotsit

Personalissue0 wrote: »

I get it, I was unfair to him. I don't see how being scared to ring him constitutes more drama. Are you guys always so self assured and confident in your actions and thoughts? I am glad for you if you are but there's no need to make me feel worse than I already do about my actions. I was scared to ring him because if I were him I wouldn't want to give me another chance and the fact that I am to blame for this made it harder for me because I do want another chance.

I texted him. I apologised, I didn't mention starting again. I gave him my address. He responded and said I hadn't done anything wrong and I should stop being paranoid and he's just been busy.

Well done. Now all you have to do is make sure you don't compromise yourself by being FWB, and let him know that is why you apologised, for misleading him when you said that.
Friends with benefits is one sure way of getting used, it will lead to heartbreak if you're thinking it will lead to him respecting you, it won't.

You need a bit of work on your self confidence.

Overheal

Personalissue0 wrote: »

If I am honest with myself, I think it's because I always feel like the men who express any interest in me will finally come to their senses and see that I am not that pretty or that nice or that whatever and change their minds so I try to make a friendship connection if I really like them so that I don't get hurt and don't lose the connection. Obviously this has not worked.

I would like to change it but I don't really know how to stop over analysing or how to stop the drama. I don't even know what is the drama and what isn't.

Yes, that was obvious from your first post, even though the thread has mainly focused on your hot/cold interactions:

I am a young woman and I have been told by friends and family that I am personable, attractive and nice. I get a lot of attention from men but my problem is that even the keenest among them soon stops talking to me. What is it about me I wonder?

At home, I realised that I had left my earrings at his house so I texted him asking if he could mail them to me and he replied, '"I will give them to you in person when we next meet."

While I thought this was sweet, I didn't dwell too much on it because I was sure he was just saying that. Still, after this, we kept in touch, sometimes texting all through the day. We made plans to meet mid week but that fell through because I got so worried that he wouldn't fancy me the next time he saw me so I sent him a text saying that I had a plans with someone else and I couldn't make it. He jokingly asked if he should be jealous and I told him not at all. It was just a meet with a friend and nothing serious. We continued to text after this and I started to really like him. Because we got on so well, I started to get scared that if anything happened, I would lose him as a friend

All the familiar hallmarks of a crippling self confidence problem. The wrong inner monologue is winning your internal debates, telling you that people will suddenly change their mind about liking you from one day to the next, or convincing yourself that people are just saying things to take pity on you or something.

So there is something about you that you don't like, to the point where you think nobody else will like it about you either. I don't know you and I don't know what that something is. However, to borrow an old cliche', you have to love yourself first before anyone else can. Whatever it is, you have to come to realize it's entirely in your control to do something about it. For instance, if you have self confidence issues say about your weight, you have the option to truly come to acceptance with it (which is actually a great way to start gaining confidence - look at Kevin James' stand-up sometime) or you can get to the gym and get yourself in shape. Personally, I did both precisely in that order, coming to grips with it first and as I built genuine confidence in myself I went to the gym to get over the hurdle. Some things you won't be able to fix like that, in which case acceptance is your only option; ostensibly though, there is something you haven't reached acceptance with about yourself. You need to pinpoint that first.

Secondly, people are going to jump in and out of your life. That's life. It happens all the time. People die or move away or you move away or you have fallings out and thats just a part of life. Clearly you need to build up some emotional endurance around that. Some people get so wound up at an early age about a fear of rejection that they never try in the first place, for example. Eventually though you try, you have some missteps you get some of your feelings hurt but then you cauterize a little bit and you move on.

Getting your heart broken can hurt like a bitch but the key is realizing that if you let that control your life you're never going to be with anyone because there is always the chance things will not work out for some reason or another. Suck it up. Stop dipping your toes in already and just start swimming.

MissFlitworth

I think maybe some people who are replying to your post aren't aware of how dramatic the 'You're a headwrecker!' stuff is when loads of people pile on with it. Yes, what you did was annoying but you did it to someone you met once and only had text interaction with thereafter so it's hardly like you were sending mixed messages to your boyfriend of a year. So it didn't go well & it didn't go well because you threw every possible road block in your own way but you're not a bad person & that guy barely knows you so chances are you haven't done any lasting damage to him!

It may have been a horrible way to learn it but you've gotten yourself a bit of a life lesson, you can get just as badly hurt if you hold loads of yourself back and try and spend ages trying to wrangle things so that you close off every possible eventuality of getting hurt or someone not liking you as if you just go for it and see how a relationship or flirtation pans out for you. If someone asks you out chances are they like & fancy you, ok sometimes it won't work out, sometimes you'll meet up with a person you last saw with wine-blinkers on and either they or you just won't feel the spark but other times you're going to meet up with someone who fancies you like mad and wants to spend time with you. Either way you won't find out until you give yourself & the other person a chance! It may not be a go-er with this guy now but sure give it a whirl! If it doesn't work out chalk it down to experience and move in, don't beat yourself up over it, there are lots of other guys out there and if you're brave enough to follow through & actually meet up with them there's no reason you won't end up really happy.

LegacyUser

Overheal wrote: »

Yes, that was obvious from your first post, even though the thread has mainly focused on your hot/cold interactions:

All the familiar hallmarks of a crippling self confidence problem. The wrong inner monologue is winning your internal debates, telling you that people will suddenly change their mind about liking you from one day to the next, or convincing yourself that people are just saying things to take pity on you or something.

So there is something about you that you don't like, to the point where you think nobody else will like it about you either. I don't know you and I don't know what that something is. However, to borrow an old cliche', you have to love yourself first before anyone else can. Whatever it is, you have to come to realize it's entirely in your control to do something about it. For instance, if you have self confidence issues say about your weight, you have the option to truly come to acceptance with it (which is actually a great way to start gaining confidence - look at Kevin James' stand-up sometime) or you can get to the gym and get yourself in shape. Personally, I did both precisely in that order, coming to grips with it first and as I built genuine confidence in myself I went to the gym to get over the hurdle. Some things you won't be able to fix like that, in which case acceptance is your only option; ostensibly though, there is something you haven't reached acceptance with about yourself. You need to pinpoint that first.

Secondly, people are going to jump in and out of your life. That's life. It happens all the time. People die or move away or you move away or you have fallings out and thats just a part of life. Clearly you need to build up some emotional endurance around that. Some people get so wound up at an early age about a fear of rejection that they never try in the first place, for example. Eventually though you try, you have some missteps you get some of your feelings hurt but then you cauterize a little bit and you move on.

Getting your heart broken can hurt like a bitch but the key is realizing that if you let that control your life you're never going to be with anyone because there is always the chance things will not work out for some reason or another. Suck it up. Stop dipping your toes in already and just start swimming.

This post made me cry and inspired me at the same time.

You say you don't know me but you described how I feel down to a tee. I think the people who compliment me do it out of pity or because they can sense how much I hate myself and they feel sorry for me. Growing up, my mother told me almost every day that I am ugly, a waste of space and hard to love- it's hard to see myself any other way. The funny thing is now she constantly asks me why I have no confidence, saying, 'you're a pretty girl, why do you hide it?' I think she is riddled with guilt and compliments me to assuage said guilt. I am also terrified of rejection. I was dating a guy for a year and a half about a year and a half ago and I couldn't have sex or be intimate with him because I was afraid he would leave me. Every time he tried, I got a panic attack. In the end he left anyway.

Thank you Overheal. I knew most of this stuff already but your post struck a chord. I am going to concentrate on accepting and loving myself before I try to be with anyone else.

LegacyUser

MissFlitworth wrote: »

I think maybe some people who are replying to your post aren't aware of how dramatic the 'You're a headwrecker!' stuff is when loads of people pile on with it. Yes, what you did was annoying but you did it to someone you met once and only had text interaction with thereafter so it's hardly like you were sending mixed messages to your boyfriend of a year. So it didn't go well & it didn't go well because you threw every possible road block in your own way but you're not a bad person & that guy barely knows you so chances are you haven't done any lasting damage to him!

It may have been a horrible way to learn it but you've gotten yourself a bit of a life lesson, you can get just as badly hurt if you hold loads of yourself back and try and spend ages trying to wrangle things so that you close off every possible eventuality of getting hurt or someone not liking you as if you just go for it and see how a relationship or flirtation pans out for you. If someone asks you out chances are they like & fancy you, ok sometimes it won't work out, sometimes you'll meet up with a person you last saw with wine-blinkers on and either they or you just won't feel the spark but other times you're going to meet up with someone who fancies you like mad and wants to spend time with you. Either way you won't find out until you give yourself & the other person a chance! It may not be a go-er with this guy now but sure give it a whirl! If it doesn't work out chalk it down to experience and move in, don't beat yourself up over it, there are lots of other guys out there and if you're brave enough to follow through & actually meet up with them there's no reason you won't end up really happy.

He's been texting me back like nothing happened. It's just general conversation, nothing about me or him or how come we haven't talked in two weeks. He's a really nice person but I think that whatever chances I had with him, I destroyed with the back and forth. Yes, he's talking to me but I can feel from his texts that it's just because I got in touch. I just sent him a text that required no response and I think I will leave it at that.

The posters above are right. I felt a little attacked by some of the responses on here but they are right- I need to stop being so inward-looking and consider that I am not the only one who could get hurt and other people are not there to be my emotional props.

I honestly didn't know that that's what I was doing. I couldn't see beyond my own thought process. I will make a conscious effort to do so from now on. Thank you for the positive message.

a posse ad esse

This is not about being a "headwreck", I think it is more about your fear of rejection and your irrational beliefs consequently turn you to the "headwreck". What is about rejection that you fear most? You need to dispute these beliefs and look into some positives of rejection (believe me they exist). I really think how badly someone who handles rejection does hinder personal and interpersonal relationships and growth. I suggest speaking with a counsellor that specialises in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) would be really helpful for you.

As for this guy and dating in general, I honestly think it is best to take a step back until you figure this out in further detail with a counsellor.

Chara1001

I think you've really taken in what people have said here, as difficult to read as it was- hats off to you OP it can't have been easy reading.
Home truths can hurt to hear, but you got sound and practical advice which will really help you out in the future if you take them on board, and it sounds as though you will- you got a difficult question that had been wrecking YOUR head answered.
Good luck and all the best

121212

Personalissue0 wrote: »

He's been texting me back like nothing happened. It's just general conversation, nothing about me or him or how come we haven't talked in two weeks. He's a really nice person but I think that whatever chances I had with him, I destroyed with the back and forth. Yes, he's talking to me but I can feel from his texts that it's just because I got in touch. I just sent him a text that required no response and I think I will leave it at that.

The posters above are right. I felt a little attacked by some of the responses on here but they are right- I need to stop being so inward-looking and consider that I am not the only one who could get hurt and other people are not there to be my emotional props.

I honestly didn't know that that's what I was doing. I couldn't see beyond my own thought process. I will make a conscious effort to do so from now on. Thank you for the positive message.

No need to be such a martyr. No one was killed, and you're still in contact. You obviously like him so text and ask him for a friendly drink sometime. If ye get on ye get on. If not you took a chance and no harm done. If he's not interested at least you know

Overheal

Personalissue0 wrote: »

This post made me cry and inspired me at the same time.

You say you don't know me but you described how I feel down to a tee. I think the people who compliment me do it out of pity or because they can sense how much I hate myself and they feel sorry for me. Growing up, my mother told me almost every day that I am ugly, a waste of space and hard to love- it's hard to see myself any other way. The funny thing is now she constantly asks me why I have no confidence, saying, 'you're a pretty girl, why do you hide it?' I think she is riddled with guilt and compliments me to assuage said guilt. I am also terrified of rejection. I was dating a guy for a year and a half about a year and a half ago and I couldn't have sex or be intimate with him because I was afraid he would leave me. Every time he tried, I got a panic attack. In the end he left anyway.

Thank you Overheal. I knew most of this stuff already but your post struck a chord. I am going to concentrate on accepting and loving myself before I try to be with anyone else.

My Dad did similar by putting me down about my weight issues. I still remember the most upsetting thing was when I was coming down with a chest infection; before we actually found out he just assumed the reason I was breathless and wheezing a lot was because I was too fat, he had a huge outburst at me for breathing too heavily at the dinner table. After the diagnoses, he never once acknowledged what he did or apologize. Even if you asked him today he'd get defensive about it. A year before that though when I started going to the gym as a school activity he complained about having to drive me there, so I quit promptly. Many years later I find it really disconcerting that this same person is trying to show interest or encouragement that I'm taking better care of myself. As for relationships I was always the oppossite way, where I'd try to get to intimate too quickly; probably both because I was afraid they'd change their mind about me before too long, but mainly because I was desperate for the kind of validation that I wasn't even giving myself. I have changed so much.

It takes less time and effort than you might imagine too, it's just about making the right kind of time and effort. Please trust me: you don't have to go looking for that other person, once you've started taking care of you, the way you deserve to be taken care of, they'll find you. And the special trick to that too is that even if it takes a while, its not going to matter to you by the time its all said and done, because you'll still be happy just being you and much to your surprise you won't need someone else to define your happiness.

Best of luck