I was told I'm my father's biggest disappointment

Pottler · 19-01-2013 07:28AM

Ah sure your dad probably just got drunk one night and spouted a load of shyte he now regrets. I doubt he is dissapointed at all, he's probably dead proud of you. Sure people talk shyte when they've had a few. I do anyway. and you do...Besides, I tell my kids I'm dissapointed in them all the time, usually when I'm trying to guilt trip them to go out and get coal in or somthing. They usually just tell me to p155 off.:D

ToddyDoody · 19-01-2013 08:22AM

And the response is 'well you're my biggest disappointment'

up for anything · 19-01-2013 09:31AM

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

OP, it seems to me that you are reading something into what you were told that might not be there. Maybe what he actually said was something along the lines that his biggest disappointment was that you didn't trust him enough to tell him you are gay. Who told him that you're gay? Could it be the person who reported back to you that he said that you are his biggest disappointment?

I know that as my children grow older that the times I feel disappointed in them is when they don't trust me enough to tell me something personal. I feel that they should know that, yes I might go off on one momentarily with them over whatever it is that they've told me (and then again I may not) but that after that I will be 100% on their side and suck up what it is they have told me and be there for them.

Talk to your father, Red. No point in railing against something you have heard from someone else. You need to deal with it head on but calmly.

phoenix999 wrote: »

Good parents will love their children unconditionally.

No pressure, eh? It's a lovely thought that good parents will love their children unconditionally and not show any anger, disappointment, fear etc to them and for them but it doesn't take account of real life.

Parents are human and feel all sorts of emotions when their children tell them things or somebody else tells them things about their children. Anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, rage, ill will, etc. It doesn't mean that we don't love them and wouldn't lay down our lives for them. I love my children but they are the people with most capacity for hurting me and I would 't be human if I didn't show them that from time to time.

The difference is that once I've cooled down and taken my emotions in check that I am on their side and will do anything to help them.

For instance, if I have a child in college and I know for a fact that they haven't done a tap of work all year, have been out partying and just enjoying the freedom from home despite being told to cop on and they come home and tell me that they have failed their 1st year exams and are likely to fail the repeats am I supposed to react? With, 'It doesn't matter child, I love you unconditionally'. Not on your life!

I'd imagine I'd be furious, full of inner panic over how I am going to find the fees to pay for 1st year again (supposing they are on a grant) or the thought of having to cut back again to find an extra year's set of fees with no guarantee that it will be 'worth it' in the long run. My unconditional love would be shown in ways other than the romantic hug of immediate support and there theres. The fact that the child gets to stay at home over that summer, that I pull every string I possess to get them a summer job, that I find the money from somewhere for extra tuition to help them pass the repeats.

The parent child relationship is a two way street and children often forget that. I can see that as I've grown older in my relationship, and that of my siblings, with our parents. The amount of times we've expected them to take a revelation on the chin just because they are our parents and been disappointed because they didn't react the way we wanted them to react which was selfish of us.

Tipsy McSwagger · 19-01-2013 09:53AM

OP is going by hearsay and drunkenly makes a thread about how much of a bastard his father is, and his father doesn't even know he is gay? No offence but you seem to be an attention seeking drama queen.

md23040 · 19-01-2013 09:57AM

Lionel Messy wrote: »

**** your dad, op.

Do you mean this as an adjective?

JupiterKid · 19-01-2013 10:07AM

Tipsy McSwagger wrote: »

OP is going by hearsay and drunkenly makes a thread about how much of a bastard his father is, and his father doesn't even know he is gay? No offence but you seem to be an attention seeking drama queen.

Despicable post - duly reported.

philologos · 19-01-2013 10:13AM

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

Perhaps you should ask him directly about it rather than taking hearsay?

Surely that's what you do if you want to show respect to him also.

Tipsy McSwagger · 19-01-2013 10:15AM

Would like to thank the moderator for giving me a red card in my previous post as it can be take that I am homophobic. There was no 'personal abuse' intended. I feel the OP went about this the wrong way.

AEDIC · 19-01-2013 10:41AM

1ZRed wrote: »

But no, it's grand really. I learned to be very much emotionally independent and self supportive a long time ago incase such a thing were to happen anyway, and I'm well able to survive if I were to lose everyone, which I don't think would fully happen.

Parents can get disappointed with themselves more than they do with their children, his disappointment might be with himself for some reason and he is outwardly projecting that.

There might though be an element of a concept called 'self fulfilling prophecy' in here (bold bit above)... you are expecting this reaction sooner or later so you might have been steering your relationships (subconsciously) in that direction by yourself.

Your father doesnt know you are gay... so that point is moot in this argument, you bring it up because you think that WILL be the reason that he is disappointed in you.... the way we feel about the emotions of ourselves and others can sometimes be a hugely confusing place... the opinions of another group (those people telling you this) dont help - even though they may or may not have the best of intentions.

You are a level headed guy, you seem strong enough to deal with this (whatever 'this' is), the question you might need to answer is...How much do I care about disappointing my father... the answer to that question might be quite revealing to you, and it will be the start of the answer you seek in the OP...

A conversation with your Dad is the starting point, no matter how tough that might be.

Good luck...be happy, and stay away from texts and Boards after gargle

i57dwun4yb1pt8 · 19-01-2013 10:59AM

id first question the one who told yous motives

but remember that your father being so called dissappointed in you usually means hes diapapointed in himself really ( maybe he had hopes for you to do something he never could )

parents are the same nutjobs as the rest of us , they aren't the totally best qualified people to raise kids you know

Eve_Dublin · 19-01-2013 11:42AM

IZRed, if it means anything, you're one of my fave new posters on Boards. I think you're only a young fella but you're intelligent and you have your head screwed on. You're a breath of fresh air. I always like reading your posts.

Parents can say really stupid stuff. What I realised growing up was my parents are only human themselves and it took a huge weight off my own shoulders. My dad has said a few hurtful things in the past but I take it all now with a pinch of salt. I know he loves me essentially. Forget about it, man. What you think of yourself is the most important thing.

RossyG · 19-01-2013 11:53AM

You don't validation from or the endorsement of a bitter old bigot.

You can choose your friends, etc...

Abi · 19-01-2013 11:56AM

If I heard reliably that my father said something like that about me, I'd be on his doorstep asking what the fúck his problem was, and why wasn't I told this by him.

IZ, I think you need to speak to him. If you're saying that he has some other reason to be disappointed in you other than not knowing your gay, then you need to find out what this is. Confront him.

No parent should speak this way to their son or daughter, and worse still to someone else first.

Tip-top parenting Pops.

philologos · 19-01-2013 12:01PM

Abi wrote: »

If I heard reliably that my father said something like that about me, I'd be on his doorstep asking what the fúck his problem was, and why wasn't I told this by him.

IZ, I think you need to speak to him. If you're saying that he has some other reason to be disappointed in you other than not knowing your gay, then you need to find out what this is. Confront him.

No parent should speak this way to their son or daughter, and worse still to someone else first.

Tip-top parenting Pops.

There's no confirmation that the claims are even true. The OP hasn't heard this directly from his father, nor does he have any good confirmation that it was actually said.

By the by, it's also important to point out that at different junctures in every child / parent situation that disagreements will arise. How we handle this disagreement shows us the value that we put on the relationship I guess.

Gummy Panda · 19-01-2013 12:04PM

Could be hearsay.

But if its not, ride his best mate. That'll teach him.

19-01-2013 12:06PM

Your dad is obviously gay. If there is anything I have learned from reading threads about homosexuality on boards.ie, is that any man who has even the slightest problem with gayness is a repressed gay who obviously loves the cock. You should bring him on a night out

RossyG · 19-01-2013 12:08PM

^ ...dressed as a Leather Daddy.

Abi · 19-01-2013 12:21PM

philologos wrote: »

There's no confirmation that the claims are even true. The OP hasn't heard this directly from his father, nor does he have any good confirmation that it was actually said.

Which is why I said reliably?

By the by, it's also important to point out that at different junctures in every child / parent situation that disagreements will arise. How we handle this disagreement shows us the value that we put on the relationship I guess.

Well I'll put it this way, if I confronted my father and he said yes he did say this, and he meant it, then it would be the last time I speak to him.

Like I said, I think he should speak to his father to find out where this has all come from.

King of Kings · 19-01-2013 12:30PM

my mother has repeatedly said that all her kids were a disappointment

it's important to realise that - when you consider their outlook on life- that can be complimentary, if if they don't intend the remark to be.

BrokenArrows · 19-01-2013 12:34PM

Your parents should unconditionally love you but that doesn't mean they need to like you.

Abi · 19-01-2013 12:41PM

King of Kings wrote: »

my mother has repeated said that all her kids were a disappointment

"Yeah, after a disappointing upbringing" I would have said just as quick.

Its not acceptable to say this kind of shít to your kids, ffs.

BrokenArrows wrote: »

Your parents should unconditionally love you but that doesn't mean they need to like you.

What the actual fúck?!

Parts of this thread is very worrying..

AEDIC · 19-01-2013 01:15PM

Abi wrote: »

"Yeah, after a disappointing upbringing" I would have said just as quick.

Its not acceptable to say this kind of shít to your kids, ffs.

What the actual fúck?!

Parts of this thread is very worrying..

Sorry Abi but some of what you are saying I dont agree with (not saying its wrong for you... just it would be wrong for me)

I dont think its constructive at all to respond to 'you are a dissapointment' with 'yeah well you are a disappointment more'

Why is it not acceptable for parents to say this yet in your anticipated response it seems acceptable for you to spitefully retort with the same thing?? Sorry I just dont get it...

If after a normal, calm and logical adult conversation about the subject of the disappointment and an open and frank discussion (without the yeah but no buts) there is still no common ground then perhaps it is time to have some distance. But at least then its not done in the cauldron heat and fury of an all out spite fest...?

Again I say I am not telling you what is right for you...only you can decide that.... I would just find it hard to respond in that way...

bobwilliams · 19-01-2013 01:33PM

Abi wrote: »

"Yeah, after a disappointing upbringing" I would have said just as quick.

Its not acceptable to say this kind of shít to your kids, ffs.

What the actual fúck?!

Parts of this thread is very worrying..

Can you edit your post and remove the word 'actual' please.It doesn't belong there.

To the OP,tell him to head the actual fluck on.

df1985 · 19-01-2013 01:45PM

did your dad find out only recently OP? it can take a while for older generations to come around, he probably has a perception of gay people or a stereotype in his mind - give it a while and you yourself will have completely changed his view.

Im an oky son too, but never told my parents before the passed away, but can empathise with that feeling of pressure as the only son - in time you're happiness will be more important to him than what expectations he had for you.

Chin up

19-01-2013 01:51PM

My father recently said he was disappointed in me - because he knows I'm capable of doing better.
Context is everything.

Tombi! · 19-01-2013 01:56PM

I know you were hammered when you said it but it honestly could mean anything.
Being his biggest disappointment might not be about you. He could about himself. Maybe he meant in a "I wish I could have been better to him" and it's a reflection on him and that's why it bothers him.

Or the people who told you could have just missed the point completely. Just go talk to him. Worse case scenario you find out that he's not as good to you as you thought and that's that. Better than wondering what was meant by it and everytime you drink you'll still wonder

philologos · 19-01-2013 02:00PM

Abi wrote: »

Which is why I said reliably?

It depends on what you think is reliable. I'm quite skeptical by nature, and generally don't believe anything 100% unless it is confirmed by the individual in question.

Abi wrote: »

Well I'll put it this way, if I confronted my father and he said yes he did say this, and he meant it, then it would be the last time I speak to him.

The question is is a mere disappointment or disagreement enough to cause several broken years in your relationship with your parents or other family members. I think some of the most tragic things I hear of is when people have spent years ignoring another family member. It's years wasted where you could be spending better times with them.

Is the disagreement worth it? I wouldn't think so. Even if my parents and family members strongly disagreed with elements of my identity, I would still bear with them because years without being with them is much worse than them having a disagreement with me on a certain topic.

Abi wrote: »

Like I said, I think he should speak to his father to find out where this has all come from.

Yeah, except I wouldn't advise doing it in the way you advised because he mightn't have said it.

It shouldn't be a "confrontation" unless you know for sure that that is what was said.

Then again, I am coming from the belief which says that one should honour their mother and father, family is more important to me than whether or not they disagree with me or are disappointed with elements of how I live.

bluecode · 19-01-2013 02:08PM

You think that's bad, Buzz Aldrin's father was actually disappointed in him for only being the second man on the moon. True story. Let's face it sometimes you cannot please some people ever.

I'm fairly sure my Father was disappointed in me. But he had every right to be. If I wasn't so good at failing. I wouldn't be good at anything.:o But he was no great shakes either so it was probably inherited. :P

Don't worry about it. Such are the slings and arrows of life.

Kirby · 19-01-2013 02:13PM

Abi wrote: »

Well I'll put it this way, if I confronted my father and he said yes he did say this, and he meant it, then it would be the last time I speak to him.

Jaysus your avatar makes more sense now. You must love riding those high horses so much.

Seriously, people say mean crap to each other. Sometimes good people say things they don't mean. If you act that dramatically every time somebody says something you don't like, you will end up alone.

1ZRed · 19-01-2013 03:47PM

Wow, AH has a known reputation for being a harsh place for things like this but I wasn't expecting these sort of responses at all. Thanks for that and it seemed to prove it's image wrong

I think last night was the result of too much whiskey and that makes me think, so it lead to this. Honestly though things are grand now and that's the way they are, I'd made my peace with that a good while ago but stuff like this can drag it up, but it's not a big deal.

I'm not normally a guy to open up about this sort of thing as it makes me uncomfortable, and I'm cursing that feckin' whiskey now, so if a mod could help me out and lock this, it would be appreciated.

Thanks again for the responses, I really didn't expect the "don't be a dick" guideline to work to this level in fairness :pac:

I was told I'm my father's biggest disappointment

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