I was told I'm my father's biggest disappointment

1ZRed

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

Cavehill Red

His own response is his biggest disappointment, not you.

keith16

Well I'm proud of you!

MyPeopleDrankTheSoup

you should ring him now while you're drunk and confront him about it. and record the call and upload here

longshanks

Fuck it. It's his problem, don't worry yourself about it.

Czarcasm

We've all heard that from our parents at one time or another Izzy, eventually you just learn to laugh it off and take no notice.

Bad Santa

1ZRed wrote: »

the words passed onto me by someone else.

Ask yourself why the person that told you this, told you this.

If there is anything I have learned in life, it's that: they who gossip to you, will gossip about you.

phoenix999

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

For a drunk guy 1ZRed, you have very good grammar and punctuation. Good parents will love their children unconditionally. I would question the motives of the person who told you this? Parents always hope that their children will be more successful in life than they were themselves. You are a young and intelligent guy with your whole life ahead of you. Wouldn't do any harm to have a good chat with the old man. You might educate him a little.

fergiesfolly

Its odd to say but sometimes its the child that teaches the parent. Live your life, your way. He'll be proud of you when he's learnt the lessons of courage and self belief himself.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

His choice to be disappointed.

You are not your father and your life's role, whatever it may be, is not to please him. You've probably doen hundreds of things that would make most fathers proud.

Bronze Wolf

Are you disappointed in yourself? If not the problem does not lie with you.

You're gay, not a fcuking serial killer. No reason to feel guilty about it or apologise.

Don't think too much about this stuff when you're drunk, you won't be in the right frame of mind to see what's important in life.

SeantheMan

You are your own man, be happy in who you are.
Sexuality isn't a choice , be proud of yourself.
It's unfortunate that some people still think that way.

DEFTLEFTHAND

How could you be disappointed in a son for being who they are. I'd be wary of second hand sources though. It might have been a bit of a shock to your dad to find out you were gay but don't think that means he doesn't love you, you're his only child and if he did say that I don't think he meant it.

Ficheall

Should you be so quick to believe whoever told you this?
Perhaps you ought to give your father the benefit of the doubt.

Czarcasm wrote: »

We've all heard that from our parents at one time or another Izzy, eventually you just learn to laugh it off and take no notice.

I doubt that's the case for most people

brummytom

If you heard that off someone else, I'd take it with a pinch of salt tbh. He could have said he was disappointed he wouldn't have grandchildren or something, which would be fair enough, it's bound to be a shock to him.

But if he's disappointed in you purely because of your sexuality - which is a tiny, tiny part of who we are as people - then fúck him.

StinkyMunkey

Sorry ive never even met your father, and i dislike him already.

I have 2 sons, and as long as they are happy and healthy, i will always love them no matter what.

Being gay isnt a choice, people who think otherwise are retarded.

Keep being who your are mate, you sound like someone who deserves better.

Itwasntme.

Hearing a parent say something like this is difficult and it can be very damaging to one's self esteem. Find a non-confrontational way to broach the subject with your dad. Keep in mind that he may not have said it and even if he did, second hand information tends to be distorted.

Whatever it is, it's evident from your post that you need to have some sort of conversation with your dad. Tell him how you feel and how what you think he said makes you feel. Give him a chance to say his bit as well and if he actually says you're a disappointment, it's his loss and his problem, not yours.

Overheal

holy crap, after hours in rare form tonight.

OP many years ago I simply discovered that my parents may well be bigger disappointments to me than I to them. In addition to that you eventually just stop doing things simply to try and please them, because that always works out. Your old man is hardly perfect, and as his son I'm sure you are uniquely privy to an insight on many of those flaws. Recognize them and realize he is as fallible a human as anyone; if he thinks you're a disappointment then it's his loss regardless of whether he sees that he's wrong or not, further on.

On a side note, perhaps he hasn't quite placed a finger on it but he's perceptive to something being out of place about you. I'm not gay but I can only imagine living in the closet does nothing much for your confidence or self respect. It might be worth considering, in due time, to let your father know exactly who you are and he may be more proud of you for it (but that is not always the case, use your own judgement).

jimpump

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

Being gay is so 2007, get with the times bro

J, k btw

Ambient Occlusion

You have one life and one only. Do not linger on the ignorance of others regardless of who they are. You have one life to do what with you will, one life to enjoy, one life to live and love. Spare as much time for such a thought as the time that went into it, none.
You are one person of seven billion in a universe twice as old; the probability of even having been born is closer to impossible than possible. Do not spit on the chance you have been given. Forget such thoughts and never look back, not for anyone, not for anything. Your life is your own and no else's. Enjoy it while you can.

I hope that helps, or maybe even this, it helps me when I'm down.

the_syco

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else.

Ask yourself; how do they gain from telling you this, and if it drives a block between you and your dad, would said block please the person who gave you the info?

I call shannigans!

Where To

Rule #37 of Where To's guide to life.

Don't worry about things you have no control over.

1ZRed

I was just sitting looking at this and things were starting to become clearer to me. It wasn't told to me out of malice at all and it was a few lads that said it to me. I know what he's like and it's not at all out of realm of possibility that he said those exact words, so I believe it to be true.

He also doesn't know I am gay, I didn't mean to make that seem like the bases of his disappointment in me, but if he's disappointed in me for no real reason that I can think of, I'd hate to think what'd happen if he were to know I was gay. I just see that as an added nail in the coffin at this stage.

But no, it's grand really. I learned to be very much emotionally independent and self supportive a long time ago incase such a thing were to happen anyway, and I'm well able to survive if I were to lose everyone, which I don't think would fully happen. It made me grow up fast and I learned to tackle everything on my own but it made me strong as fuk as a result, so although the circumstances appear sh1t at best, I'm well able to handle them.

Again, this is just a drunken ramble so pay no heed to it. I only seem to be venting which I kind of need now. I'll most likely head off to bed anyway but I'll say thanks to the reassurance I got and I'll take my shiote talk to bed with me too! :pac:

SusieBlue

I'm sure any decent man would be proud to have you as a son.

His words only have power if you allow them - Hard as it is, try to ignore his negativity. You seem like a good person. Don't think that his unfounded disappointment is a reflection on you. His disappointment is clearly a reflection of himself, and he's taking it out on you.

So long as my children never intentionally set out to inflict hurt or pain on others, I will love them and be proud of them. Academic achievements and how much money you have in the bank mean little, when it comes down to it. Far more important to be happy and in good health. Your father sounds like the type of man that can't be pleased, like nothing is ever good enough.

Why is it so hard for parents to accept who their children are? It baffles me, it really does.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

1ZRed wrote: »

I was just sitting looking at this and things were starting to become clearer to me. It wasn't told to me out of malice at all and it was a few lads that said it to me. I know what he's like and it's not at all out of realm of possibility that he said those exact words, so I believe it to be true.

He also doesn't know I am gay, I didn't mean to make that seem like the bases of his disappointment in me, but if he's disappointed in me for no real reason that I can think of, I'd hate to think what'd happen if he were to know I was gay. I just see that as an added nail in the coffin at this stage.

But no, it's grand really. I learned to be very much emotionally independent and self supportive a long time ago incase such a thing were to happen anyway, and I'm well able to survive if I were to lose everyone, which I don't think would fully happen. It made me grow up fast and I learned to tackle everything on my own but it made me strong as fuk as a result, so although the circumstances appear sh1t at best, I'm well able to handle them.

Again, this is just a drunken ramble so pay no heed to it. I only seem to be venting which I kind of need now. I'll most likely head off to bed anyway but I'll say thanks to the reassurance I got and I'll take my shiote talk to bed with me too! :pac:

Shouldn't change anything.

If you have no idea of any valid reason why he would be disappointed in you (assuming he is - this may not be the case) then the most likliest possibliity is that there isn't one. Regardless of the gay thing, it sounds like it's all in his head, and his issue. Let him deal with it and live a life of bitterness if he chooses to do so - you get on with your own.

And don't worry about losign everyone. He's just one person. You have friends and friends, as they say, are the family you choose for yourself. G'night!

steddyeddy

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

Man I only know you from boards but by your posts you come across as an extremely intelligent and caring guy. Your dad just might not have the capability to tell his son he loves him.

Oranage2

Chin up bro, also Who would even tell you that your father said that, id watch out for that person anyway.

Difficult to know what to say, everyone is different and deals with things differently, i know i stopped caring what my parents thought when i was about 16. As long as you're happy with your life you shouldn't care what other people think, though easier said then done.

Witchie

As parents in some ways we project our hopes and dreams onto our kids. Some parents push their kids into show business or sport etc to live vicariously. Others just dream their son will play to a sold out 02 or in the Aviva stadium (for Monaghan United in a cup final) while allowing their child to follow their own path. Parents have somewhat unrealistic expectations sometimes and may be disappointed when their wee Johnny isnt the superstar they believed he would be but they never stop loving the child they have nurtured for many years.

Maybe your dad had such unrealistic expectations and needs to readjust and realise that he is the luckiest man alive to have a sweet caring loving son. Give him time and one day he will not only tell you but make you believe that you are his greatest achievement just the way you are.
X

NegativeCreep

You weren't put on the earth to please your narrow-minded father. Feck him and feck all those who look down on you because of your sexuality. You are a better person than they are.

Lionel Messy

**** your dad, op.

RidleyRider

Lionel Messy wrote: »

**** your dad, op.

You're an angry man:pac: This is the second thread I've seen you post angrily in and swear

Pottler

Ah sure your dad probably just got drunk one night and spouted a load of shyte he now regrets. I doubt he is dissapointed at all, he's probably dead proud of you. Sure people talk shyte when they've had a few. I do anyway. and you do...Besides, I tell my kids I'm dissapointed in them all the time, usually when I'm trying to guilt trip them to go out and get coal in or somthing. They usually just tell me to p155 off.:D

ToddyDoody

And the response is 'well you're my biggest disappointment'

up for anything

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

OP, it seems to me that you are reading something into what you were told that might not be there. Maybe what he actually said was something along the lines that his biggest disappointment was that you didn't trust him enough to tell him you are gay. Who told him that you're gay? Could it be the person who reported back to you that he said that you are his biggest disappointment?

I know that as my children grow older that the times I feel disappointed in them is when they don't trust me enough to tell me something personal. I feel that they should know that, yes I might go off on one momentarily with them over whatever it is that they've told me (and then again I may not) but that after that I will be 100% on their side and suck up what it is they have told me and be there for them.

Talk to your father, Red. No point in railing against something you have heard from someone else. You need to deal with it head on but calmly.

phoenix999 wrote: »

Good parents will love their children unconditionally.

No pressure, eh? It's a lovely thought that good parents will love their children unconditionally and not show any anger, disappointment, fear etc to them and for them but it doesn't take account of real life.

Parents are human and feel all sorts of emotions when their children tell them things or somebody else tells them things about their children. Anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, rage, ill will, etc. It doesn't mean that we don't love them and wouldn't lay down our lives for them. I love my children but they are the people with most capacity for hurting me and I would 't be human if I didn't show them that from time to time.

The difference is that once I've cooled down and taken my emotions in check that I am on their side and will do anything to help them.

For instance, if I have a child in college and I know for a fact that they haven't done a tap of work all year, have been out partying and just enjoying the freedom from home despite being told to cop on and they come home and tell me that they have failed their 1st year exams and are likely to fail the repeats am I supposed to react? With, 'It doesn't matter child, I love you unconditionally'. Not on your life!

I'd imagine I'd be furious, full of inner panic over how I am going to find the fees to pay for 1st year again (supposing they are on a grant) or the thought of having to cut back again to find an extra year's set of fees with no guarantee that it will be 'worth it' in the long run. My unconditional love would be shown in ways other than the romantic hug of immediate support and there theres. The fact that the child gets to stay at home over that summer, that I pull every string I possess to get them a summer job, that I find the money from somewhere for extra tuition to help them pass the repeats.

The parent child relationship is a two way street and children often forget that. I can see that as I've grown older in my relationship, and that of my siblings, with our parents. The amount of times we've expected them to take a revelation on the chin just because they are our parents and been disappointed because they didn't react the way we wanted them to react which was selfish of us.

Tipsy McSwagger

OP is going by hearsay and drunkenly makes a thread about how much of a bastard his father is, and his father doesn't even know he is gay? No offence but you seem to be an attention seeking drama queen.

md23040

Lionel Messy wrote: »

**** your dad, op.

Do you mean this as an adjective?

JupiterKid

Tipsy McSwagger wrote: »

OP is going by hearsay and drunkenly makes a thread about how much of a bastard his father is, and his father doesn't even know he is gay? No offence but you seem to be an attention seeking drama queen.

Despicable post - duly reported.

philologos

1ZRed wrote: »

And his own words at that, that I'm his biggest disappointment, the words passed onto me by someone else. I'm his only son and I hadn't even told him that I was gay, to add to whatvever disappointment he already felt.

I never did badly in school and I never fell short of the mark I set for myself, and I never thought I disappointed him, but obviously that wasn't enough. Anyway, I'm probably just venting, but honestly, why do that to your son? I don't see the point.

Yeah, I may be gay, but if any parent would feel disappointed with their own child being that way it's a horrible feeling you're going to put on them when they don't want to be that way to begin with and just stacks the guilt. I don't feel bad for something I can't, and couldn't help, and I'm ok with it now, but others mightn't ever see it that way.

All I ask is it worth it to some people to put their children through that even if it's something they didn't agree to in the first place? Surely the happiness of your child comes first?

Anyway, I'm drunk and probably talking nonsense so ignore all if you want

Perhaps you should ask him directly about it rather than taking hearsay?

Surely that's what you do if you want to show respect to him also.

Tipsy McSwagger

Would like to thank the moderator for giving me a red card in my previous post as it can be take that I am homophobic. There was no 'personal abuse' intended. I feel the OP went about this the wrong way.

AEDIC

1ZRed wrote: »

But no, it's grand really. I learned to be very much emotionally independent and self supportive a long time ago incase such a thing were to happen anyway, and I'm well able to survive if I were to lose everyone, which I don't think would fully happen.

Parents can get disappointed with themselves more than they do with their children, his disappointment might be with himself for some reason and he is outwardly projecting that.

There might though be an element of a concept called 'self fulfilling prophecy' in here (bold bit above)... you are expecting this reaction sooner or later so you might have been steering your relationships (subconsciously) in that direction by yourself.

Your father doesnt know you are gay... so that point is moot in this argument, you bring it up because you think that WILL be the reason that he is disappointed in you.... the way we feel about the emotions of ourselves and others can sometimes be a hugely confusing place... the opinions of another group (those people telling you this) dont help - even though they may or may not have the best of intentions.

You are a level headed guy, you seem strong enough to deal with this (whatever 'this' is), the question you might need to answer is...How much do I care about disappointing my father... the answer to that question might be quite revealing to you, and it will be the start of the answer you seek in the OP...

A conversation with your Dad is the starting point, no matter how tough that might be.

Good luck...be happy, and stay away from texts and Boards after gargle

i57dwun4yb1pt8

id first question the one who told yous motives

but remember that your father being so called dissappointed in you usually means hes diapapointed in himself really ( maybe he had hopes for you to do something he never could )

parents are the same nutjobs as the rest of us , they aren't the totally best qualified people to raise kids you know

Eve_Dublin

IZRed, if it means anything, you're one of my fave new posters on Boards. I think you're only a young fella but you're intelligent and you have your head screwed on. You're a breath of fresh air. I always like reading your posts.

Parents can say really stupid stuff. What I realised growing up was my parents are only human themselves and it took a huge weight off my own shoulders. My dad has said a few hurtful things in the past but I take it all now with a pinch of salt. I know he loves me essentially. Forget about it, man. What you think of yourself is the most important thing.

RossyG

You don't validation from or the endorsement of a bitter old bigot.

You can choose your friends, etc...

Abi

If I heard reliably that my father said something like that about me, I'd be on his doorstep asking what the fúck his problem was, and why wasn't I told this by him.

IZ, I think you need to speak to him. If you're saying that he has some other reason to be disappointed in you other than not knowing your gay, then you need to find out what this is. Confront him.

No parent should speak this way to their son or daughter, and worse still to someone else first.


Tip-top parenting Pops.

philologos

Abi wrote: »

If I heard reliably that my father said something like that about me, I'd be on his doorstep asking what the fúck his problem was, and why wasn't I told this by him.

IZ, I think you need to speak to him. If you're saying that he has some other reason to be disappointed in you other than not knowing your gay, then you need to find out what this is. Confront him.

No parent should speak this way to their son or daughter, and worse still to someone else first.


Tip-top parenting Pops.

There's no confirmation that the claims are even true. The OP hasn't heard this directly from his father, nor does he have any good confirmation that it was actually said.

By the by, it's also important to point out that at different junctures in every child / parent situation that disagreements will arise. How we handle this disagreement shows us the value that we put on the relationship I guess.

Gummy Panda

Could be hearsay.

But if its not, ride his best mate. That'll teach him.

Your dad is obviously gay. If there is anything I have learned from reading threads about homosexuality on boards.ie, is that any man who has even the slightest problem with gayness is a repressed gay who obviously loves the cock. You should bring him on a night out

RossyG

^ ...dressed as a Leather Daddy.

Abi

philologos wrote: »

There's no confirmation that the claims are even true. The OP hasn't heard this directly from his father, nor does he have any good confirmation that it was actually said.

Which is why I said reliably?

By the by, it's also important to point out that at different junctures in every child / parent situation that disagreements will arise. How we handle this disagreement shows us the value that we put on the relationship I guess.

Well I'll put it this way, if I confronted my father and he said yes he did say this, and he meant it, then it would be the last time I speak to him.

Like I said, I think he should speak to his father to find out where this has all come from.

King of Kings

my mother has repeatedly said that all her kids were a disappointment

it's important to realise that - when you consider their outlook on life- that can be complimentary, if if they don't intend the remark to be.

BrokenArrows

Your parents should unconditionally love you but that doesn't mean they need to like you.