Is someone better than no-one?

LegacyUser · 29-10-2012 08:04PM #1

Hi everyone,

Basically in a nutshell am so tired of being alone. I guess I am looking to vent and also to hear from others who may be in the same boat. I am 30s female and single. My last relationship was about 6 months ago. Though I knew there we were somewhat incompatible there was some closeness and nice stuff too. I expressed some doubt to the guy and he dumped me. It was kind of a shock. I thought he would want to work things out. My confidence took a hit and I made some bad choices in terms of dates I went on. tried online dating which just wasn;t for me.

I am attractive and sociable. I get invited to a lot of things despite most of my friends being coupled up or settled. I am just finding being on my own all the time getting to me. I am very independent and like my own space so have never before had a problem being single. Now I find that when I am arriving or leaving an event alone - I get really sad and empty. Went to a wedding alone last month where I didn;t know too many people there. It was an effort constantly trying to find someone to talk to etc. I often get frosty receptions from girlfriends of guys who might chat to me or whatever so am conscious that I don;t want to come across the wrong way like I am out to steal someone;s man. Not me at all. People make patronising comments or say things like I can;t understand why someone like you is single blah blah blah. The last time I was at a bar I started chatting to a guy when getting drinks and he said "am married" like I was some despardo - was just trying to be friendly and approachable.

I find weekends and holidays the worst. I miss my ex so much and now think I should not have expressed my doubts and maybe we would still be together and I wouldn't feel so alone.

Any input please. Thank you.

dellas1979 · 29-10-2012 09:15PM

The answer to your thread title is "Good God no".

You'd prefer to be with someone/in a relationship for company? That isnt really a right/good reason to be in a relationship. I dont think youre happy with yourself.

If you can be happy on your own, you wont want to settle. You'll only want the best for yourself, what ever and how ever long that takes.

You should look into how to be happy on your own.

Idle Passerby · 29-10-2012 09:23PM

No, someone is not better than no one.

You're only missing your ex now because your not liking being single but anyone whose reaction to some difficulties being broached is to dump and run would not have what it takes to be a decent partner.

Its disheartening to be painted by people as the poor single spinster but don't let their smug-marriedness or whatever rub off on you. Its far better to be by yourself and open to meeting someone than stuck with someone your unhappy with.

Your friendliness may be being interpreted as flirting by the men you chat to. Most people wouldn't be so arrogant to assume they're being chatted up to feel the need to announce that their married straight off the bat and secure girlfriends wouldn't be throwing dirty looks just because their boyfriend is talking to someone at a social gathering. So maybe your coming across a bit full on?

CarMe · 29-10-2012 11:29PM

Oh what a horrible response from that married man! If I thought my partner spoke to somebody like that for making conversation I would be horrified!
As for the women at weddings reacting to you frostily because their friendly husbands had a chat with you- you have to remind yourself how miserably insecure they must be in their "happy marriages"

To answer your question though, absolutely not. It's very lonely being in the wrong company, even just women on a totally different wavelength not just men you know?
I have no doubt you'll find the right man for you but until then do things you enjoy and continue being your friendly self because the only people that don't like happy people are miserable people

cafecolour · 31-10-2012 01:53AM

Yeah, I second/third/fourth - absolutely not.

Standard make new friends advice - join some organizations/societies/sports that interest you, etc. Really, make some new single, maybe younger friends (or recently separated friends), for some activities, keep close to your coupled friends for other activities.

curlzy · 31-10-2012 05:25PM

Fifth it. NO, somone is not better than no-one. You're probably just feeling a little down at the moment and that's why your brain is going there. You sounds smart, sure you know yourself that you shouldn't be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. Just give it time op and enjoy spending time with yourself until you find the right guy.

Buncha Fives · 31-10-2012 05:43PM

questionpls wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Basically in a nutshell am so tired of being alone. I guess I am looking to vent and also to hear from others who may be in the same boat. I am 30s female and single. My last relationship was about 6 months ago. Though I knew there we were somewhat incompatible there was some closeness and nice stuff too. I expressed some doubt to the guy and he dumped me. It was kind of a shock. I thought he would want to work things out. My confidence took a hit and I made some bad choices in terms of dates I went on. tried online dating which just wasn;t for me.

I am attractive and sociable. I get invited to a lot of things despite most of my friends being coupled up or settled. I am just finding being on my own all the time getting to me. I am very independent and like my own space so have never before had a problem being single. Now I find that when I am arriving or leaving an event alone - I get really sad and empty. Went to a wedding alone last month where I didn;t know too many people there. It was an effort constantly trying to find someone to talk to etc. I often get frosty receptions from girlfriends of guys who might chat to me or whatever so am conscious that I don;t want to come across the wrong way like I am out to steal someone;s man. Not me at all. People make patronising comments or say things like I can;t understand why someone like you is single blah blah blah. The last time I was at a bar I started chatting to a guy when getting drinks and he said "am married" like I was some despardo - was just trying to be friendly and approachable.

I find weekends and holidays the worst. I miss my ex so much and now think I should not have expressed my doubts and maybe we would still be together and I wouldn't feel so alone.

Any input please. Thank you.

Sometimes I read stuff on boards that is a carbon copy of the situation I find myself in... broke up with my ex GF out of the blue earlier in the year; quite similar situation where I tried to discuss a couple of concerns I had but she totally over reacted and that was that. I have been told 100 times "im better off without" and all that, but the lonliness since has been a killer and to make a bad situation worse there was never a worse time for me to be single.

Im over 30, tall and considered handsome (not in a big headed way) and would be outgoing, I got invited to 7 weddings this year, I declined two of the invites because I couldn't bare having to go on my own. At the other weddings I was haunted with people asking me why I on my own and trying to set me up with girls that were single and some of the weddings I didn't enjoy at all, at others I got quite drunk.

I have tried really hard to find someone but it hasn't happened for me yet, I sometimes wonder is it me because I have met a lot of really nice girls but none of them really caught my attention but I couldn't settle for someone who I wasn't very happy with because eventually it would wear me down and the relationship would end... you just have to be hopeful that what is for you wont pass you by, that my motto anyway!! I keep myself busy as much as possible and try and lucky enough I have a lot of friends who stand into me.

LegacyUser · 01-11-2012 04:59AM

No. You better off being on your own rather than being with someone you don't like, fancy or are using until someone better comes along. I know it is hard in your 30's or early 40's to be single when everyone else seems to be in a couple/married/ have children.
A few months ago some one I know started a relationship with this man who she knew for a while. It was very much a case that someone is better than no-one.
She wasted months of her life with the wrong man where if she stayed single she would have been in a position to meet someone who wanted the same things in life as she did.
I would take the advice on a previous posting and get involved with new groups or organisations which will help you make more friends.
I believe that you have to be happy in yourself and with your own life to meet someone.
Most people want to meet someone who wants the same as them and not someone who is very clingy. No one wants to feel that they are being used until something better comes along.

Fantacoke · 01-11-2012 10:40PM

questionpls wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Basically in a nutshell am so tired of being alone. I guess I am looking to vent and also to hear from others who may be in the same boat. I am 30s female and single. My last relationship was about 6 months ago. Though I knew there we were somewhat incompatible there was some closeness and nice stuff too. I expressed some doubt to the guy and he dumped me. It was kind of a shock. I thought he would want to work things out. My confidence took a hit and I made some bad choices in terms of dates I went on. tried online dating which just wasn;t for me.

I am attractive and sociable. I get invited to a lot of things despite most of my friends being coupled up or settled. I am just finding being on my own all the time getting to me. I am very independent and like my own space so have never before had a problem being single. Now I find that when I am arriving or leaving an event alone - I get really sad and empty. Went to a wedding alone last month where I didn;t know too many people there. It was an effort constantly trying to find someone to talk to etc. I often get frosty receptions from girlfriends of guys who might chat to me or whatever so am conscious that I don;t want to come across the wrong way like I am out to steal someone;s man. Not me at all. People make patronising comments or say things like I can;t understand why someone like you is single blah blah blah. The last time I was at a bar I started chatting to a guy when getting drinks and he said "am married" like I was some despardo - was just trying to be friendly and approachable.

I find weekends and holidays the worst. I miss my ex so much and now think I should not have expressed my doubts and maybe we would still be together and I wouldn't feel so alone.

Any input please. Thank you.

There are married couples together for forty years who feel lonely.
Get out and do interesting things.
Fill up your life with fun, friends, passion.
Then you'll find you won't be lonely and you will be much more likely to meet someone and have a relationship ...
Good luck

Fantacoke · 01-11-2012 10:44PM

questionpls wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Basically in a nutshell am so tired of being alone. I guess I am looking to vent and also to hear from others who may be in the same boat. I am 30s female and single. My last relationship was about 6 months ago. Though I knew there we were somewhat incompatible there was some closeness and nice stuff too. I expressed some doubt to the guy and he dumped me. It was kind of a shock. I thought he would want to work things out. My confidence took a hit and I made some bad choices in terms of dates I went on. tried online dating which just wasn;t for me.

I am attractive and sociable. I get invited to a lot of things despite most of my friends being coupled up or settled. I am just finding being on my own all the time getting to me. I am very independent and like my own space so have never before had a problem being single. Now I find that when I am arriving or leaving an event alone - I get really sad and empty. Went to a wedding alone last month where I didn;t know too many people there. It was an effort constantly trying to find someone to talk to etc. I often get frosty receptions from girlfriends of guys who might chat to me or whatever so am conscious that I don;t want to come across the wrong way like I am out to steal someone;s man. Not me at all. People make patronising comments or say things like I can;t understand why someone like you is single blah blah blah. The last time I was at a bar I started chatting to a guy when getting drinks and he said "am married" like I was some despardo - was just trying to be friendly and approachable.

I find weekends and holidays the worst. I miss my ex so much and now think I should not have expressed my doubts and maybe we would still be together and I wouldn't feel so alone.

Any input please. Thank you.

There are married couples together for forty years who feel lonely.
Get out and do interesting things.
Fill up your life with fun, friends, passion.
Then you'll find you won't be lonely and you will be much more likely to meet someone and have a relationship ...
Good luck

Oh yeah.., as for going alone to weddings? Change your thinking on that one... Your going to a party and you're single

you never know who you could meet.
Ignore the rudeness of some people and laugh it off with a "at least I'm not chained to your wife" lol and have a laugh ...
Life's short. Enjoy every minute, the best person to love is you

WaltKowalski · 01-11-2012 11:03PM

fab lady wrote: »

No. You better off being on your own rather than being with someone you don't like, fancy or are using until someone better comes along.

I'm not so sure about that.

I wonder are all the negative respondents in relationships?

Just because you don't love someone, doesn't mean you don't like them, can't be happy, sexually satisfied, or most importantly, not lonely.

Is loveless contentment better than loveless loneliness?

Gerry T · 02-11-2012 01:44AM

Don't compromise, not a good start. 30's is still very young - at either end ! Being single why not fill what spare time you have with things you havent yet done, join that tennis club or take up golf or hiking - what ever it is you would like to try that you have been promising yourself you would. I think thats a far better way to meet new people, especially when your not looking ! you might just find that spark your looking for. You wont find it if you dont broaden your social circle and I'm not a fan of the pub or club thing for finding that someone special.

LegacyUser · 02-11-2012 11:36PM

It's very easy to say 'Don't compromise and wait until you get what you are looking for'. When you are a long time single, however, no matter what kind of social life you have and now matter how positive you are, life can still feel extremely lonely in your thirties. Only those who have been single for a few years in their thirties know what I am talking about.

I would say that sometimes it is better to be with a partner than not to be with one, even if the situation isn't exactly as you would like it. It depends on the person. Some people are happy enough without a partner. Others, like me, are much happier with a partner, even a partner with shortcomings.

Single at the moment, but hopefully not for long...

Like WaltKowalski I would love to know how many of the people who responded are in relationships. I have done all the 'go out and meet people / start up a new hobby / do the stuff you wanted to do / put a smile on your face' thing! It only works for a while to fill in that void of not having a partner to share your life with.

WaltKowalski · 03-11-2012 09:58AM

There's a lot to be said for friendship and respect.

seeker11 · 03-11-2012 12:42PM

I think the grass is greener at the other side. If you are in an unhappy relationship then you think it would be great to be free of them and when you are single it would be just lovely to have someone to share things with.
You can have a great life in your thirties but being single can be so so lonely at times.

LegacyUser · 03-11-2012 12:48PM

One of the many problems with "settling" is the damage you do to the other person when someone you really do want to be with comes along.

Love, while personally satisfying, is beautiful because of its concern for and commitment to the other person.

People who settle are using their partner just to meet their own needs and the relationships are fundamentally selfish.

If you decide to settle you better be willing to stick with it if you want to maintain integrity.

I'd rather be single for my entire life than be with someone I wasn't in love with.

squonk · 05-11-2012 06:04PM

This is an interesting thread! I definitely think that being very happy single beats compromising in a relationship you're not getting everything you want from.

I'm in my 30's and am quite happily single. I think I found it more of a drag being single in my 20's for some reason. At this point in my life I've picked up a few dings and am happy with myself and know my strengths and weaknesses and what I can live with and what I can't. I'm happy in my own company and while I can see, and occasionally think, that it might be great to have somebody to share things with, it's not something I actually need.

Relationships are great when they work but a lot of work has to go into them as well. You really have to be sure that the person you're investing time and effort with in a relationship is going to provide you with things that you wouldn't get being without them.

I think if you have a need for relationships you'll wind up in them, either as flings or short or longer term arrangements. I think if you're happy with yourself and happy being single, it makes you far more picky about who you decide to start a relationship with.

While I know many very happy couples, it's not all been plain sailing for them all. Everybody has their ups and downs and when you're alone, it can be just yourself that you need to pick up, rather than having to pick your partner up along with you. On the flip side, you need to be a good source of support for yourself first and foremost as you don't have another half there to support you.

At the end of the day, you have to be a strong independent person to do long term singledom but I've never really seen it as a burden or something that's lacking in my life. In the cases where somebody has come along out of the blue, it's been great but when things do go wrong you have quite a wealth of strength to pull from to get back on your feet.

At the end of the day there isn't a right or wrong answer to this question as it depends on the individual and their needs. What suits me is likely a living hell for somebody else. Maybe I'll meet the right person some day and that's good, but maybe I won't but, right now, I'm not too put out that I haven't.

silenceisfoo · 07-11-2012 12:03AM

You need to get out and live some of your life.
Swear to you I would rather be sitting in a house with a puppy and a fish and a smile on my face than looking at some fool across the table for 40 years wondering what the hell they are doing there.
You had a break up, things are bad. Take 2 weeks to dwell on it, then pack all his stuff up and forget it because while you are off thinking about what might have been or could have everybody else is off living there lives.
And finally, delete his number. Texting your ex is so bad. Write the number down on a piece of paper and leave it somewhere but delete it from your phone. You do not want to be that woman who won't let go. It won't be intentional but at some point you may text. If you want to contact wait at least 24 hours to think it over.
Move on.

FrogMarch · 07-11-2012 12:08AM

OP - when you say you 'expressed some doubt' - what doubt(s) did you express exactly? Because, particularly in your 30's, something like "I'm not sure that this long distance relationship can survive in the long run" is very, very different to "I just don't know if I'm that into you" type of thing. The former being a legitimate doubt. The latter being an instant relationship killer if the other person has any self respect whatsoever.

Anyway, just to agree with nearly everyone else on the thread - no, being with the wrong person or 'settling' is never better than being single.

You should also be aware that most guys, by the time they hit their 30's and apart from the most inexperienced or desperate men, will be able to see right through you if you're 'settling' for them. So don't bother as it'll rarely end well.

therealme · 08-11-2012 12:57AM

OP, life is short, enjoy it and NEVER settle for something or somebody that doesn't make you 100% happy! You know when it is "right".
I'm single, early 30's, work hard and far from "settling"! Honestly, I think I'm a bit too selfish for a relationship/commitment - don't see that changing anytime soon!
I do hate attending weddings etc. alone & being asked why you are not in a relationship/married/whisked away years ago - I just reply, no man can keep me in the lifestyle I live - that stops any further questions

What will be, will be - soo many people in "happy" relationships cheat/break up - some are not always quite as happy as you think! Grass isn't always greener. Best of luck

WaltKowalski · 08-11-2012 08:55AM

therealme wrote: »

OP, life is short, enjoy it and NEVER settle for something or somebody that doesn't make you 100% happy!

So it's ok to be completey unhappy alone, but not maybe 90% happy in a relationship?

Happy is happy.

JustAThought · 08-11-2012 09:32AM

WaltKowalski wrote: »

So it's ok to be completey unhappy alone, but not maybe 90% happy in a relationship?

Happy is happy.

Theres a difference - a relationship is rarely all whizz-bang fantastic all the time -there are ups & downs + usually some trade off s to be made. I think what the OP intends is a relationship which is continouosly or fundamentally flawed or deeply apothetic or unhappy, and/ or loveless.
And no. I also dont think that " this" is worth having, even if the trade- off is that you are lonely while you are waiting for love.

Love, and all the laughter and happiness + shared memories and happy days that being in a good , mutually felt relationship is worth waiting for.
Even if the time invested in looking can be sometimes lo.ely, or peppered with jealousy, caution or thoughtlessness.

Hold in there. Its worth the wait, the gamble + all the bittersweet

LegacyUser · 08-11-2012 10:40AM

Having read , in one of the national papers yesterday, one womans experience of living the post Sex and the city lifestyle. She was talking about her single life in her 20's and 30's and all the nice men she met who were not perfect and who she passed on.. she is now in her 40's and, like a lot of her friends, is single. She appears to regret her choices and definitely regrets not giving the nice guys a chance.

My long winded point is that I dont think its always better to be single than in a loving relationship. Are you looking for mr perfect i.e. tick 50 impossible boxes or for a partner? i think, if you dont want to possibly live alone for the rest of your days then it may be the time to give a non-perfect guy a chance. Good luck Op

therealme · 08-11-2012 11:32AM

WaltKowalski wrote: »

So it's ok to be completey unhappy alone, but not maybe 90% happy in a relationship?

Happy is happy.

Personally, if I am not happy alone, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship! Relationships are never 100% happy all of the time - but the OP questions about being in a relationship pretty much "for the sake of it" - I dont think that would do the OP or partner any favours in the longrun and think that you should be with somebody because you really want to be!

Lux23 · 09-11-2012 11:47PM

Dissenting voice! wrote: »

It's very easy to say 'Don't compromise and wait until you get what you are looking for'. When you are a long time single, however, no matter what kind of social life you have and now matter how positive you are, life can still feel extremely lonely in your thirties. Only those who have been single for a few years in their thirties know what I am talking about.

I would say that sometimes it is better to be with a partner than not to be with one, even if the situation isn't exactly as you would like it. It depends on the person. Some people are happy enough without a partner. Others, like me, are much happier with a partner, even a partner with shortcomings.

Single at the moment, but hopefully not for long...

Like WaltKowalski I would love to know how many of the people who responded are in relationships. I have done all the 'go out and meet people / start up a new hobby / do the stuff you wanted to do / put a smile on your face' thing! It only works for a while to fill in that void of not having a partner to share your life with.

I agree to a certain extent especially as so many people are in relationships just so they aren't alone.

I am seeing someone now and I know in my heart that he probably won't be the right man for me but I am enjoying the companionship and spending time with him so what's the harm?

LegacyUser · 10-11-2012 12:36AM

The answer I'd give you in my early thirties is different to what I'd give you now that I'm pushing forty. Now that I'm the age I am, singledom's starting to get me down. I'm happy enough with my own company but it's not enough any more. I used to think that some day I'd meet someone and everything'd sort itself out. It didn't happen so here I am . Single, childless, on the shelf. Lonely. My friends are mostly parents now and understandably don't have the time they used to. I think if I met someone now who I liked well enough, even if he wasn't the love of my life, I'd settle. I'm looking into the abyss and realise I've missed the boat. I should've tried harder to meet someone when I had the chance. It's too late now.

FrogMarch · 10-11-2012 10:33AM

Lux23 wrote: »

so what's the harm?

Perhaps the harm is that he will fall in love with you and you're leading him on, knowing that there isn't a future for the two of you because you want something 'better'. If he's aware that you feel the way you do and he's okay with it, then that's okay I suppose.

WaltKowalski · 10-11-2012 11:22AM

FrogMarch wrote: »

Perhaps the harm is that he will fall in love with you and you're leading him on, knowing that there isn't a future for the two of you because you want something 'better'. If he's aware that you feel the way you do and he's okay with it, then that's okay I suppose.

Well the way I see it is that you've make a decision, and you stick by it.

seenitall · 10-11-2012 04:22PM

pippilongstockinggg wrote: »

The answer I'd give you in my early thirties is different to what I'd give you now that I'm pushing forty. Now that I'm the age I am, singledom's starting to get me down. I'm happy enough with my own company but it's not enough any more. I used to think that some day I'd meet someone and everything'd sort itself out. It didn't happen so here I am . Single, childless, on the shelf. Lonely. My friends are mostly parents now and understandably don't have the time they used to. I think if I met someone now who I liked well enough, even if he wasn't the love of my life, I'd settle. I'm looking into the abyss and realise I've missed the boat. I should've tried harder to meet someone when I had the chance. It's too late now.

Hi OP,

I'm also single and pushing forty so I just want to counter the above (IMO, incredibly unhealthy) perspective to you.

Settling isn't the answer. I used to feel very, very lonely, so lonely that I went into some horrible relationships against my better judgment and also, I settled as well. I went into one relationship in particular where I knew the guy was a nice, giving, caring guy, but seeing him never made me feel alive or special or in love, ever. What a big mistake that relationship was, and what a waste of time for both of us.

I believe everyone needs passion and butterflies when they are intimate with another person, and I believe deep down everyone knows when they are short-changing and fooling themselves, let alone the other person. Companionship is something you can have with a friend, OP, passion and giddiness is what you should have with a man - you know it.

If you want to feel suffocated and smothered and trapped in a relationship, I'll tell you the fastest way to get there: settle for a man who doesn't float your boat.

Settle for someone who doesn't rock your world and before long you will have turned into an irritable btch and your nice boyfriend will have turned into a suspicious worrywart.

You can trust me on this, OP, or you can try it out for yourself. I know for myself I am NEVER ever repeating that experience again. Even the loneliness is preferable by a mile!

Emme · 12-11-2012 02:19PM

pippilongstockinggg wrote: »

The answer I'd give you in my early thirties is different to what I'd give you now that I'm pushing forty. Now that I'm the age I am, singledom's starting to get me down. I'm happy enough with my own company but it's not enough any more. I used to think that some day I'd meet someone and everything'd sort itself out. It didn't happen so here I am . Single, childless, on the shelf. Lonely. My friends are mostly parents now and understandably don't have the time they used to. I think if I met someone now who I liked well enough, even if he wasn't the love of my life, I'd settle. I'm looking into the abyss and realise I've missed the boat. I should've tried harder to meet someone when I had the chance. It's too late now.

It isn't too late because there's nothing wrong with settling. Find somebody who get on with, who can be your best friend and maybe a spark will grow with time. Maybe it won't. Even so it's better than being alone for the rest of your life. I was single for most of my 30s because of work and study commitments and probably didn't try hard enough to meet someone. Or maybe I was just unlucky and didn't find anyone who wanted me. People that say you shouldn't settle are being idealistic. If you find somebody who's 70% right and they want to be with you grab them!

None of us are perfect and I wouldn't be so arrogant as to assume that I would meet somebody's requirements 100%. Especially now that I'm 41. If I'm lucky enough to find somebody who fits my requirements 70% I'd be happy, I'd even consider somebody who's 60% there. I wouldn't settle for anyone who's less than 60% right.

Nothing in life is perfect - we have to be pragmatic and those who are willing to adapt and compromise are often happier than the idealists.

Again, there's nothing wrong with settling so if you're with someone who you like give it a shot even if it's not picture perfect.

Emme · 12-11-2012 02:26PM

WaltKowalski wrote: »

There's a lot to be said for friendship and respect.

This is very true. You can have incredible passion and sparks flying with somebody but if they don't respect you it means nothing. Better to have fewer sparks but more trust, respect and most importantly friendship.

Is someone better than no-one?

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